THIS story is different!

[Hot Coco]

This is just a vent:

 

I've read a few posts where the posters say that their stories are different. It has a twist or is unique in some way. But if you look at them closely they're pretty much ALL the same! And before anyone starts bashing me, I'm including my own. Nothing new about mine either but when I deep into it I thought it was so different, so unique, so special.

 

It's like all the MM read from the same script...even down to the "no sex with the W" I've posted about this elsewhere. My MM said that too even though there was NO chance of a physical relationship. It's hilarious.

 

To me all of our stories are really the same story. No one's is really unique or different.

 

Bottom line:

 

They all tell us what we want to hear.

They all talk to us like no one else has really ever talked to us.

They all make us feel special (but it's really an illusion)

Most will tell you they're trying to leave their families but never really do

They all want their cake and eat it too

They all lie

 

So how are any of our stories "different?" They're really not. Where it counts, that is the bottom line, they're all really remarkably similar.

 

I think that's where many of delude ourselves. When we think that somehow OUR situation is different. It rarely is.

 

Ok, done venting. Anyone agree with me? What about you guys who think your stories really ARE different? How are your stories really different? And I'm not saying they're NOT, I just think most ARE the same.

[Hot Coco]

To be fair and to not put ALL the blame on OM/OW....what about us?

 

We may all be different people BUT, we are ALL:

 

Selfish to one degree or another

Egotistical

Maybe a bit insecure and lacking in self-esteem

Weak

 

And there are probably other things we have in common but I figure, those are enough!

[whichwayisup]

To each person, their situation is unique and different, even though to all of us, it's more or less the same, just different players involved. The end result is the same, alot of pain, broken hearts and overall sadness.

[brubaker2004]

how are we egotistical yet at the same time a bit insecure and lacking in self-esteem?

[Hot Coco]

I understand what you're saying brubaker. Those traits are kind at the opposite ends of the spectrum. I don't know about you, but I'm not a black and white type person. Most people are pretty complex. We're not all one thing OR the other. We can be egotistical AND be lacking in self-esteem at the same time.

 

Are you ever generous at times and selfish at other times? Or are you ALWAYS either one or the other? Are you ALWAYS a good person OR always a bad person? Or are you sometimes one way and sometimes the other way?

[Katch22]

Hey Coco

Well until I started to read all of the different stories I thought mine was different too!! BUT it's not, there are some angles that make mine alittle more complex like the w is mentally ill and it doesn't allow for him to make a normal break like he would hope for!! The more I read the more I realize that the

 

Bottom line:

 

They all tell us what we want to hear.

They all talk to us like no one else has really ever talked to us.

They all make us feel special (but it's really an illusion)

Most will tell you they're trying to leave their families but never really do

They all want their cake and eat it too

They all lie

 

But God do I miss him!! I'm trying this NC thing and see how it works but not completely just for several days at a time because we are still have prior commitments together just like most all of his co-workers and friends know all about me and I'm the one that he does all of his things with. But when It comes right down to it he's still there with them and I'm left to be mother and father to my daughter while he's still playing hubby & daddy.

[Sunset]

The main idea I find fascinating is that these men 'make us feel special' many with only words, whilst the actions treat us like dirt.

 

They must go to a special cakee school to learn it. The serial cakers surely must be laughing to themselves as they move from woman to woman - often having a few on the go without the OWs knowing, trying the same lines out seeing which ones work and which don't whilst they perfect their skills.

 

I am not saying all do but I reckon a lot talked about on this forum fit the scenario.

[Katch22]

I didn't want to believe that my MM was like everyother MM but the more I read the more I realized I was played for a fool..!!! So I just ended it! I sent him a text message since I can't call cause he's with her and I can't email cause she right there. But I did it I was making every excuse in the book why i couldn't but I felt that I was no better then Him.

 

 

Thanks for all of this it touched me more then anyone could ever know!

[Hot Coco]

Sunset, what you said here is KEY:

 

"The main idea I find fascinating is that these men 'make us feel special' many with only words, whilst the actions treat us like dirt."

 

That is SO true across the board I think. I mean think about it. Just by definition of this kind of relationship they're always cheating on US! (Yes, even if they tell you they're not sleeping with their wives!) Even in my situation which was an online affair only. The beautiful words never really matched up with the actions. I won't give examples of that because it's boring.

 

I stil think that when they're with OW/OM they're really not who they are in their "real life" for the most part. I'm not saying that applies to ALL MM but it does to many I think. Besides, speaking for myself I would NEVER want to marry someone who did this...yup, even though I did. (Call me a hypocrite if you want. Just being honest) At least I've stopped. I couldn't imagine my H doing what I did. And I just would NEVER and yes, I'm saying NEVER, marry or be involved with anyone who cheated. (Well, ok, it would have to be unusual circumstances at least and not a pattern) I've dated plenty in my single life and RAN from those types...and I managed to run from MM too.

 

Katch, you're not realling doing NC. I've leaned on here that you're either doing it or you're not. You said you're "trying" it but not "completely"

 

Also, I wanted to say that my H's ex-wife is bi-polar. Did that give him a reason to cheat? NO! He divorced her before he started dating. So I don't think that's a good excuse for him. And she used to threaten suicide. I think I read, that his W did this??? Was that your situation or maybe it was someone else. But yes, my H's ex-wife did pull that. She was a bully and very manipulative. Funny thing is we're best of friends now! We even take vacations with her. But it wasn't always that way. Took a lot of work. Anyway, I digress...you make some good points.

[Katch22]

I didn't want to believe that my MM was like everyother MM but the more I read the more I realized I was played for a fool..!!! So I just ended it! I sent him a text message since I can't call cause he's with her and I can't email cause she right there. But I did it I was making every excuse in the book why i couldn't but I felt that I was no better then Him.

 

 

Thanks for all of this it touched me more then anyone could ever know!

[Hot Coco]

That's so great Katch! Good for you! What a change from your last post I read from you!

 

You know this board has helped me so much too. It's really given me the support I need to stop my actions. If H ever found out what I was doing, our marriage would probably be over. A family would be split up and I'd lose the love of my life. I was almost caught so many time too.

 

I realize your situation is different but it takes guts to end these kinds of things. I mean when your emotions are involved and you think you're in love (and maybe some of us really ARE) well, it's hard.

 

But now, you're leaving yourself open to meet your real love. Someone just for you!

 

You've probably inspired so many others today without even knowing it. Come on here when you feel weak and want to cave in. That's what I'm going to do anyway.

[Mz. Pixie]

The stories are all the same but sometimes the OM's are different.

 

Some of them don't accept responsibility but when the details of the A came out, my OM went to his wife and admitted that it was all his doing, he pursued me and everything. Many of them blame it on the women. She has forgiven us both and he's working on his marriage. I am happy for them because it was never my intention for any of it to happen.

[allaboutchoices]

HotCoco,

as you might have already noticed, many OW post here and with time most realize that yes, the MM do follow certain patterns and the stories, feelings about the A and emotions after the B/U are very similiar in many cases. In many posts you could see replies such as: "Are you talking about my MM or yours".

That's what LS is great for! People learn and realize things.

[Katch22]

So I did it. I decided that the only way to do this right was to do the NC. I wrote to him

 

I don't want to be the other woman anymore.

We can't talk about our future anymore because you

don't want to lead me on and you don't have the heart to tell

me that you guys are gonna work things out.

We can't talk about you guys cause it just aggrevates us.

So all that's left for us is SEX, and I don't want all the Bonds, feeling, and

the love that we had to be downgraded just to SEX.

 

I love you & I'm not mad.

I just want more then the occasional F*CK that I get.

I know that the holidays are coming and that is your base on why it is

what it is. But if I was the one you couldn't live without you would

do anything to be with me and I don't see that anymore. I used to

see that!! So good bye and I will always be YOUR GIRL but not this way anymore.

 

Then after I got the conformation that he recieved the text messages.

I called him and left a voice mail saying that I know that you got the messages but there was something else I needed to say to you. I don't feel the way I used to feel about you or about us. I'm not sure what I ever saw in you or in us but it's not the same. I"m sure that I will see you around and I sure we will talk from time to time but that's all for now I have nothing else to say to you. Good Bye.

 

So then tonight I got home and checked my email and he sent me one!!

IT SAID "Wow!!! That hurt." He knows me well enough that if he would have called me I wouldn't have answer his call. So instead he emails me knowing that I couldn't help but open it and read it!! So instead of calling him I called my best friend and she was laughing at me when she realized that it only took 3 little words from him to put back into a tailspin. She was laughing with me more then at me if you know What I mean!!

[newbby]

hotcoco,

people here realise all the time that their situation is no different. everybody of course WANTS to believe their story is different, but the support here and non judgementalness (most of the time) gives many people the strength they need to break away.

[Katch22]

Hot Coco,

I would love to talk to you more about your H ex-wife illness's but not now maybe in a few weeks. Right now I'm not strong enough but in a few weeks I will be but I'm still learning about her illness and will pass it on to him. They've been together for 13 yrs since he was 19 she is all he has ever known and he's sometimes is more like a scared puppy dog of the unknown. If that makes any sense. But I'm trying to not respond to his email. Damn it I'm gonna try this NC thing for sure.

[Katch22]

Hey Hot Coco

I would love to talk to you about your H-exw illness but not now! I'm not strong enough too. I'm still gonna learn more about her illness and pass it on to him but just not now in a few weeks when I'm stronger.... See he has been with her for 13 yrs since he was 19 but she is 7 yrs older then him. She is all he has ever known, she has raised him, and he is scared of the unknown(he cowards like a beaten puppy dog)when she is around. She can munipulate him more then anyone in this world could and it makes me sick to watch it!!! I'm gonna stick to this NC thing as long as possible even when I get some info I want to pass along to him I will just text message him to pick it up from our meeting place!! So thanks for your support!!

[Hot Coco]

I get it Newbbye...you didn't like this post of mine either. Makes no difference to me, but I'm sorry you didn't get the whole point of this thread. The fact is that you will NEVER get any point I ever make. And you will NEVER like or agree with anything I have to say. That's obvious by now. I accept that. No problem, dear.

[Hot Coco]

Katch, I think I answered you in another post. Keep up the good work! And thanks for the kind words.

[allaboutchoices]

HotCoco,

Newbby made the same point I did few posts before that one. She wasn't attacking you or anything. The point was that people end up here when they are usually desperate and hurting, and post before they read many other posts. We all felt our story was different, then we kept on reading and posting just to realize that yes, many stories are indeed the same.

Newby said that reading through it helps to realize that. If you follow some posters, you will see how they later admitted that their story was similiar or the same to other stories indeed

[heyitsmichele]

Hey guys....

 

I do think a lot of MM tell us what we want to hear. But I also think there has to be some truth to what they say? somewhere in there...some affairs last for years, and there has to be at least some love there right? So, I had been waiting for almost TWO years for my MM to leave his W. When he showed up at my doorstep ready to make it work with me and MOVE IN I didnt want it anymore. I was shaking in my boots. We put his clothes in my closet. We unpacked his stuff in my dresser drawers. When it came down to it, as much as I loved him I could not do it. TRUST is a huge issue. GUILT that you were the ruin of a marriage with kids....and now I just wonder if I have just been addicted to the chase this entire time? Are OW /OM addicted to trying and trying to make something YOURS that you can't completely have. If it ever did work out would both people be unhappy?? So now he's back with W, but she knows I said he couldn't stay with me, and that I told him I could never be in a happy committed relationship with him because of the baggage. Part of me thinks I did it for the rush of it all..the sneaking around was so exciting....and so passionate......But..can you OW really really picture the rest of your life with MM. Close your eyes and really imagine what that life would really be like. That is exactly what I did when I realized I could never make it work out with him. I miss him very much, and I just saw him when I picked up my daughter. He looks so sad. But I think we were over before we ever began. Just things to think about:)

[Katch22]

Well GF,

All of my closest friends have told me that for so long now!! They all told me that once he moved in with me they would give 3-6 months And I would be b*tching to them that I wanted him out!! I couldn't see that when they were saying it but now that I've started with NC I don't see him as my night in shinning armour.I see it more like he's an A**hole on a J*ckass!! But he's trying to get my attention but it's just not good enough. Right now I refuse to speak to him I'm not answer his calls, voicemails, or emails. He hasn't done any of those things since everything blew up last month and now in less then 48 he's doing it all, but the only way I will speak to him is if he comes and finds me. And then the only thing I have to say is GET TO STEPPIN OR SHE(W) NEEDS TO GET TO STEPPIN other wise we have nothing to discuss.

[newbby]

thanks allaboutchoices,

yes that is what i was trying to say. that people on here have or do come to that realisation just by reading other peoples stories and feeling strong enough through the support offered to break through any lingering denial.

it wasnt an attack at all, i dont really understand why you think i am attacking you or dislike you. the only thing i have disagreed with you about are some of the things you say or seem to say that nobody has any remourse but yourself or nobody realises the mess they are in. when in fact i am absolutely certain that everybody both feels remourse and realises the mess they are in, otherwise they would not be in here asking for support and help. this does not mean i dislike you or am attacking you, just disagreeing with you.

[newbby]

heyitsmichelle,

i completely agree with you there. i can only speak for myself in that i had commitment issues before mm, and when he was initially pursuing me was very freaked by it. i didnt conciously choose the relationship because there was no worry of having to commit but in retrospect i realise that had he ever left to be with me i would not have handled that at all. the chase too is very addictive and it is so easy to love somebody who doesnt really demand much of you. in many ways you get to see the best side of mm. lately i have seen the other side and its not pretty.

[Hot Coco]

I've never EVER said I'm the only one who has remorse. When did I say that? Please show me that. I said SOME people haven't expressed it. SOME. Some means not ALL. I think you really did misunderstand me.

 

And sorry if I misunderstood you.