Should I Trust Him?

[juless]

So I have been seeing a guy since November. He was actually hitting up me and my good friend when we first got together and "didn't realise we were friends." Anyway, we finally became official in February. He asked me to be his girlfriend right after I had moved away for uni, so we live about 2.5 hours away from each other and try to see each other every weekend.

Prior to us being official, so about from November - February, we were seeing each other all the time and were basically acting like a couple. Anyway, he went away mid January for about a week for a trip. When he came back from this trip I told him I was very nervous when he went away and directly asked him if he got with anyone. He denied this and I believed him. However, he has just told me that he did in fact sleep with another girl during this trip. I don't know why but this has really upset me because I thought I meant more to him. I understand we weren't official at the time and he has told me he was confused about what we were when he went away but I feel wary to trust him at the moment. I feel I have developed feelings for a guy based on something that isn't true. And it hurts more that he lied so easily to my face about it. He also told me that he cheated in his last relationship and didn't tell his ex girlfriend. 

He's apologised and we have had a discussion about it but now I feel I have trust issues and am constantly thinking about whether or not he is being loyal to me. I don't know what to do.  

[NYAG]

I would tell him where to go. You may not have been official then but he was interested in you and yet he still found the opportunity and drive to sleep with someone else. The question is, if you decide to stay with him will you ever stop wondering where he is (whether it's long distance or not)? If the answer is no, walk away. Trust has to come first and if you haven't got it, you don't have a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, juless said:

, he went away mid January for about a week for a trip. , he has just told me that he did in fact sleep with another girl during this trip. 

Sorry this happened. End it. There's no point risking STDS with someone who claims you're exclusive yet sleeps around.

Enjoy your campus life. Distance relationships are frustrating and pointless anyway 

Dump him and start dating some decent guys at University.

[Sun Seeker]

He could have continued to keep it a secret but decided to tell you instead. You were not official in January, he did nothing wrong by sleeping with someone else.

Why would he not? He most likely saw it as a last opportunity to have some no strings fun before things get serious with you. Better he got it out of his system before you became official.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

. Better he got it out of his system before you became official.

I disagree with these hair splitting technicalities about "official". He sleeps around and he's no hero because he told her after they were already sleeping together.

I believe she should simply dump him. Lots of guys on campus to date in person, who don't play the "but we weren't exclusive" game.

[Sun Seeker]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

I disagree with these hair splitting technicalities about "official". He sleeps around and he's no hero because he told her after they were already sleeping together.

I believe she should simply dump him. Lots of guys on campus to date in person, who don't play the "but we weren't exclusive" game.

I disagree with nearly every post you make on this forum so ok.

Fact is they were not exclusive so he's entitled to sleep with who he wants, whether you agree with it or not. Otherwise why even bother ever becoming official.

[elaine567]

The problem here is not really about being "official". It is about how he was acting like they were a couple and seeing each other all the time and the fact he said he was completely faithful but then he blew the whole thing up by saying he was not faithful but had slept with another girl in January...
Trust is a huge thing and without trust all is null and void. 
Anyone who pulls the "but we were not official" card when all pointed to being a couple is being disingenuous and therefore untrustworthy.
Here he also lied and he pulled the "but we were not official" card and that is probably unforgiveable.

[Indigo Night]

It really doesn't matter if they were "official" or not. She feels the way she feels, and most people can understand  why. Being hurt by his actions isn't wrong juless. Trust is so fragile in the early stages of a new relationship. 

Juless, only you know how likely you are to trust him after what has happened. Did he cheat on you? Technically, no. Does that change how it made you feel when he lied to you, and then told you he had sex with someone? I sincerely doubt it.

It might have been one last wild night for him. Who knows. If you had done the same thing, would he be telling you, "Since we weren't official, no harm done," or would he be hurt and mad, and understandably so?

Troubled waters this early in a, now long distance, relationship don't tend to bode well for the future. 

Good luck to you juless. I hope you are able to resolve the situation, and move on. With, or without him.

[d0nnivain]

It's not about whether he was "allowed" to be with another woman because you two weren't official.  It's about the fact that he LIED to you.  

Here's the thing.  You never should have asked.  Frankly it was none of your business because you were not official.  You also should have assumed that he was with other women on that trip.  A single young guy on a trip is gonna have fun.  That's what college boys do, especially ones that were simultaneously hitting on you & your friend when you 1st met. 

Still when you were foolish enough to ask, he owed you the truth, even if he did not owe you fidelity at that point.  Instead he lied.  In your shoes it would have hurt to know that he was with another girl but at least I would have been able to derive comfort knowing he was honest.  So to answer your initial Q, no you can't trust him.  Without trust you have zero foundation for a relationship. 

Say good bye to this boy back home.  Stay on campus for  the weekends for the rest of the semester.  I'm sure there are tons of cute guys at your school.  

Edited April 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Stay on campus for  the weekends for the rest of the semester.  I'm sure there are tons of cute guys at your school.  

Make the most of your university life.
Do not waste it hankering after long distance people.
Long distance rarely works so it is literally a waste of time.
Get a guy you can see and cuddle and have fun with every night if you want, not some guy you will always wonder what he is really up to...

[Alpacalia]

You seem disappointed because you had a different view of the relationship than he did.

Knowing he slept with someone else after you've been dating for a while will feel like a slap in the face.

If he was unsure about the state of your relationship, that could have been addressed. Instead, he decided to have sex with someone else to work through his uncertainty before discussing the nature of your relationship.

Combined with this:

8 hours ago, juless said:

He also told me that he cheated in his last relationship and didn't tell his ex girlfriend. 

Seems like a pattern.

You'll have to be realistic about whether or not it's something you're willing to overlook.

[Stupidkupid]

Whenever I see a post with this kind of a title I think "No, you shouldn't" before even reading it. 

Position still stands. He lied. 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, juless said:

He also told me that he cheated in his last relationship and didn't tell his ex girlfriend. 

I glossed over this sentence until somebody else pointed it out.  Granted he didn't cheat on you because you two were not official but the combo indicates that fidelity isn't his strong suit.  

Proceed at your own risk with extreme caution 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Seems like a pattern. You'll have to be realistic about whether or not it's something you're willing to overlook.

Agree. There's too many honest decent guys out there you can date who don't need to swim around (during covid, no less) in every woman's body fluids until (he decides) to make it "official".

End it. You'll dodge a bullet (and avoid some STDs and covid risks).

[IslandSanctuary]

You are just setting yourself up for more of this in the future. I'm a faithful guy, and I would never do this - I don't think someone capable of being faithful for a lifetime would do this. On top of that he lied about it at first. Kick to the curb, keep your self esteem intact. Cry about it a little and feel bad for a few weeks then move on and feel strong. 

[smackie9]

This guy gave you warning...he cheated in his last relationship...he's a serial cheater. toss this guy back into the sea.