Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) I was in a relationship with a MM from work for a year. He told me he loved me he has not been sleeping with his wife for years due to her being unwell years ago and I know this is true as his friends from work have told him to leave her as well. He’s basically her carer runs after her ass and does everything just to keep the peace. He wants to leave he says but can’t because he doesn’t want to be the big bad person says he wishes she would just leave him as she’s no happy either. He said he loves everything about me and he’s more emotional with me rather than sex he never pushes for it he wants to hug n kiss me and talk. He’s seen me every day since we started seeing each other he’s never with her. We see each other walking the dogs all the time. I’ve had few meltdowns as he’s never told me where it’s going he said he doesn’t want casual as we are too serious with each other and he doesn’t want to lose me so I asked him the other day finally are you leaving her or staying??? He said he wants to leave but doesn’t want to be the bad person. So I ended it there and then and was heartbroken. It’s been a day and he’s not contacted me. I’ll need to see him in work im devastated and secretly hoping he misses me that much he will message and say he will leave her. He said he will never ever find anyone like me again and he loves me so much. I feel empty. Anyone been through similar? Ps he’s 51 and I’m 37 so his kids are grown up but he still doesn’t want them to hate him. Edited April 29, 2021 by Scotgirl84 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Also wanted to say during this affair I have separated with my OH we have not slept together the whole time and before I met MM we were not getting on so I’ve made steps to leave him as I wasn’t happy prior. We have 3 young children so it’s only been a couple of months since he moved out and quite raw think OH thinks we will get back but I don’t want to go back. I feel as if I can’t move on from MM as I’m so in love with him and we are so good together if he just got the guts to walk and leave her. I was hoping me ending it will give him the push to realise what he’s lost as he said without me he’s got nothing as I’m the only thing that makes him happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Pretty typical affair. Sorry but nothing special here. Your MM isn’t going to leave his wife. If you read through the threads here this happens all the time. It you were so good together why does he choose his wife over you? That is what he’s doing. Right now you’re in Denial that this wasn’t just an affair but that’s all it is. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 59 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Also wanted to say during this affair I have separated with my OH we have not slept together the whole time and before I met MM we were not getting on so I’ve made steps to leave him as I wasn’t happy prior. We have 3 young children so it’s only been a couple of months since he moved out and quite raw think OH thinks we will get back but I don’t want to go back. I feel as if I can’t move on from MM as I’m so in love with him and we are so good together if he just got the guts to walk and leave her. I was hoping me ending it will give him the push to realise what he’s lost as he said without me he’s got nothing as I’m the only thing that makes him happy. I am sorry but this is an old story on this forum. Married woman in an affair, leaves husband for a married man (MM) as she loves him sooooo much, but the MM does not want to leave, and doesn't. He instead stalls or makes excuses, sometimes for literally years, if the woman will put up with it... Men often choose married women to have affairs with as it makes it simple. He is not leaving, she is not leaving and all is hunky dory. THEN she decides to leave the husband and it is all spoiled. Suddenly he is under pressure to leave too and because that was never his intention, he doesn't like it. You are trying to emotionally blackmail this man into leaving but instead of running to you he has gone dark, which is really not surprising. Men in their 50's rarely leave of their own volition, they usually have too much to lose. Even those who do, some will end up back in the marital home eventually as pressure to go back home increases from kids and the wife. What will likely happen is because you love him, you will eventually reach out, you will grow to accept him not leaving as you do not want to lose him. He will be happy, you not so much... My advice, cut your losses and run. Trying to monkey branch onto a MM especially one with a sick and dependent wife, is almost always a bad idea. You are only there to make his marriage more bearable... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 This is all too true I am in denial he made me feel special. He spent all his free time with me as she was happy not to spend time with him and let him run after her. I hope he will miss me though as nothing in his life will change only thing he doesn’t have now is me making his s*** marriage more bearable. It’s so hard though honestly as I feel I’ve been strung along and fell deeply in love with him and he made me feel as if I was special I do believe he does love me with the way he was with me and how he couldn’t go a day without seeing me. But I couldn’t keep this going on as I wanted more from him. It hurts knowing I’ll need to see him in work every single day and knowing I won’t ever kiss or hold him again. So wish this hadn’t happened it’s a horrible situation and I hated the person I became through this with lies and sneaking about. It was like an obsession it still is. I was addicted to him. Ended up on tablets from the doctor for anxiety as I am torn apart. Does this get easier???? I feel as if I don’t want anyone else but him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 And just to add he knew I was leaving my OH from very beginning as I was upfront and he said he was also in a dead end marriage no connection at all. He has been refraining from doing anything with her at all as he said it’s all a facade their life is just for show and loads of other people have told me this too. He has been living like this for years. He did say when I ended it he knows he has to sort his life out as he’s no happy and wants more from a relationship. He said she won’t change so nothing will change with their relationship. I suppose I’m hoping he realises this and what he’s lost and he will do the right thing for his happiness and end it with her and come get me. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Drop the hopium pipe. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 It’s so so hard. But I know it’s right thing to do for myself to walk away end his fun and my misery Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Time and time again, we get OWs in here who have the same exact story. And there is ALWAYS a line in there about, "I'm know he isnt lying because his friends say x too." And we have the lines about the wife doesn't care about him because obviously he spends all his free time. All you know for certain is this man is a cheating liar. Thay is the only thing you can bank on. Is this someone you want to really start a life with? How could you trust him? Tale as old as time. I dont want to be harsh because to you this is all new and unique as you haven't been engaging in affairs or coming to message boards to learn about them.... but seriously nothing you wrote here is different than anything any other OW has said. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 I know it’s same old story but we all work together and his friends and co workers have said he’s been miserable for years but scared to make the move he’s just put on a face and tried to do right thing. They have told him to leave also. He said he’s with her out of some sort of misplaced loyalty cos she took ill years ago I honestly don’t know what to believe but I did feel he loved me and he made me feel it. I know I’m a total mug but it hurts so bad. It really does. Know it’s all my fault for getting involved I honestly thought he would leave at some point. I overthink it all and make myself miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Only thing keeping me sane is the fact he’s lost his fun by losing me and he will be miserable no more excitement no more I love yous or physical affection from me Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Don't worry he will likely be back at some point. Finding an OW is hard as so many women will tell him to go back to his wife and not bother them, so he will be back at your door. He will try to get the fun and frolics back without the commitment. He will try to reel you back in... OR he is one of these guys who finds an affair too stressful so he is kind of pleased you pulled the plug and took the pressure off him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 No I think you are right Elaine he will come back as his fun is gone this will make me feel so much better and stronger as I will reject him. I want him to hurt like me so I can get over it Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: No I think you are right Elaine he will come back as his fun is gone this will make me feel so much better and stronger as I will reject him. I want him to hurt like me so I can get over it Yes you need to move on from this. You don't really need this kind of hassle in your life. An ailing ex wife if he did in fact leave, will always make him feel guilty and will always have a pull on him. He is also so much older, in 10 years he will be 61, in 20, 71 whilst you will be so much younger. Do you really want to be his carer in the last good years of your life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Thanks Elaine honestly appreciate it I know he’s just got me so hooked on him he’s everything that I wanted in a guy and everything my husband wasn’t so I was vulnerable. I honestly pray he comes running back so I can stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 Me saying that this is not unique is not to meant to diminish your pain, at all. Because it doesn't matter how common or what you did or didn't do to lead you there, the pain is still there and it doesn't change the amount of it. You need to change your thought patterns about this man. Is he really everything you wanted in a man? He is cheating on the woman he vowed to love forever. One he promised fidelity forever. If all the things he claims are true, do you want a spineless man that just takes it? You and his friends hear his side, I would be willing to bet the story is quite different from the other side. So stop thinking about this man as some amazing guy you are missing out on because he is with someone else. He is not a catch. Period. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 I know. I do believe him though that his life is s*** with her but I agree he is being spineless and taking it all to look like the big family guy. He is staying there and hurting himself. Not my problem tbh. I offered him love respect attention and loyalty and yet he said he couldn’t make the decision he prayed that she would kick him out. She never will cos he runs after her ass and just keeps the house ticking over. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He wants to leave he says but can’t because he doesn’t want to be the big bad person says he wishes she would just leave him as she’s no happy either. It’s the old - I’m desperately unhappy, but I’m going to wait for her to be the bad guy and make the decision to end the marriage. Grown men don’t do this. And yet, so many MM say this because they are so unbelievably conflict avoidant. Rather than take charge of their own lives and leave their marriage if they are unhappy, they involve themselves with another - they use another - to meet their emotional and/or sexual needs and at what cost to the other? The truth is, nobody forces this man to stay in his marriage. It doesn’t actually matter how long it’s been since they’ve had sex or how awful she treats him, he stays because he choses to stay. And as such... you should chose to end it if you want to find a relationship with a man who is actually available to be with you. This isn’t your guy... Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Thanks Bailey that’s exactly it in a nutshell he will need to live with his decision and what he’s lost with me. I need to keep telling myself this. I know he’s unhappy I know nothing will change at home till he grows a set and does something about it he will always be a pushover to her. She won’t change. And he’s lost someone who loved him unconditionally and showed him this over the year. I just hope he decides to make a move for his own happiness Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: So stop thinking about this man as some amazing guy you are missing out on because he is with someone else. He is not a catch. No, he is most definitely not a catch. I’m sure that you are a lovely person and I don’t want to dismiss your experience in this relationship in any way... but, his words of love and affirmation are pretty meaningless if he choses to stay in his marriage. He is essentially using you to prop up his marriage, as a distraction, as his own form of emotional support... and that’s not fair. That’s not kind. He may never make the decision to leave his marriage, and that’s his choice. Divorce is expensive, there is a lot of family history here - while he may not be entirely “happy,” he may have done a cost benefit analysis and decided that it was not worth leaving... so he’s prepared to do what is required to keep his family intact. Many people do this - what he needs to do is own his decision. Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 It’s so hard spent every single day with him for a year heard from him morning noon and night via texts we were so loving together so much chemistry and laughs. It’s tearing me apart knowing I’ll never hold him again but I’ve got to see him daily in work knowing this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Only thing that keeps me going is knowing he will be feeling the same now I’ve ended it Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: I was in a relationship with a MM from work for a year. He told me he loved me he has not been sleeping with his wife for years due to her being unwell years ago and I know this is true as his friends from work have told him to leave her as well. He’s basically her carer runs after her ass and does everything just to keep the peace. He wants to leave he says but can’t because he doesn’t want to be the big bad person says he wishes she would just leave him as she’s no happy either. He said he loves everything about me and he’s more emotional with me rather than sex he never pushes for it he wants to hug n kiss me and talk. He’s seen me every day since we started seeing each other he’s never with her. We see each other walking the dogs all the time. I’ve had few meltdowns as he’s never told me where it’s going he said he doesn’t want casual as we are too serious with each other and he doesn’t want to lose me so I asked him the other day finally are you leaving her or staying??? He said he wants to leave but doesn’t want to be the bad person. So I ended it there and then and was heartbroken. It’s been a day and he’s not contacted me. I’ll need to see him in work im devastated and secretly hoping he misses me that much he will message and say he will leave her. He said he will never ever find anyone like me again and he loves me so much. I feel empty. Anyone been through similar? Ps he’s 51 and I’m 37 so his kids are grown up but he still doesn’t want them to hate him. I echo what everyone said above. Tale as old as time. Also, look at the way you speak about his wife and refer to her, there is contempt there for a woman you don't know and it's wrong. He has made you believe he is mistreated and 'woe is me' where as he is having his dinner cooked for him, his underwear washed and his house cleaned by his wife and he has you pandering to his sexual needs. I say this as an ex-OW. Stop now, get counselling and block him in every conceivable way. It is the only way to move past it as the pain is very real (whether right or wrong) and I'm sorry for that, and actually, it isn't a matter of just stopping thinking about him. You don't control your brain to that extent but you can help it. One, by knowing he can't contact you. Therefore you won't be constantly wondering if he might. As an FYI I am a similar age to you (a little older) and my MM same age difference. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 She honestly does nothing I know this. He’s stressed out doing everything he’s scared to leave cos she’s so dependent on him. People in my work who know her have told me same thing. If this was the case and she was loving and looked after him I wouldn’t have stayed I know there is genuinely nothing between them. He finishes work at comes out to meet me every night and she’s in her bed when he’s home he’s always without her only cooks cleans takes dog out does shopping and spends all his free time with me. As for sex we’ve never had a night of sex we’ve messed about in the car couple of times it’s mainly emotional he has never forced sex on me at all he says he values me more than that and loves me wants to book something to spend a night together soon we’ll before I ended it that was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 26 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: I echo what everyone said above. Tale as old as time. Also, look at the way you speak about his wife and refer to her, there is contempt there for a woman you don't know and it's wrong. He has made you believe he is mistreated and 'woe is me' where as he is having his dinner cooked for him, his underwear washed and his house cleaned by his wife and he has you pandering to his sexual needs. I say this as an ex-OW. Stop now, get counselling and block him in every conceivable way. It is the only way to move past it as the pain is very real (whether right or wrong) and I'm sorry for that, and actually, it isn't a matter of just stopping thinking about him. You don't control your brain to that extent but you can help it. One, by knowing he can't contact you. Therefore you won't be constantly wondering if he might. As an FYI I am a similar age to you (a little older) and my MM same age difference. What did you end up doing? Did you end it? Did he try and contact you again? Did you give him an ultimatum? Link to post Share on other sites
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