Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Or...maybe they know exactly how much hurt their dad has caused their family, and they're trying to hold him accountable. They know him far, far better than you do. So does his wife. Don't forget that. 

You need to stop falling for this man's Poor Me schtick. He is not the victim he's pretending to be. 

Very very true 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Very very true 

Funny thing is I met him last night and read him his character told him if it’s that bad he’s a mug for staying and I said maybe he just enjoys playing the victim to justify his cheating. He wasn’t amused. He then said maybe his wife isn’t going near him cos it’s her meds she doesn’t mean it. I said well why cheat on her then??? He’s like I don’t know. He then said he loved me and meant everything he said 

[Stupidkupid]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Funny thing is I met him last night and read him his character told him if it’s that bad he’s a mug for staying and I said maybe he just enjoys playing the victim to justify his cheating. He wasn’t amused. He then said maybe his wife isn’t going near him cos it’s her meds she doesn’t mean it. I said well why cheat on her then??? He’s like I don’t know. He then said he loved me and meant everything he said 

Why does any of this matter?

Hes lying to you. But even if he's not, which is super unlikely, it doesn't matter does it. Because he has told you he's not going to be with you. He can't leave. That is what he has told you.

And he has cheated at least 1 other time before with a different woman to you. Telling her exactly the same crud as he is telling you.

Each time you contact him, he contacts you or you meet him you feed the temporary hormonal buzz and his ego.

[BaileyB]

Quote

I know I honestly won’t contact him I’ll stay strong 

 

Quote

Funny thing is I met him last night 

Your resolve lasted 48 hours? 

15 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I said maybe he just enjoys playing the victim to justify his cheating. He wasn’t amused. He then said maybe his wife isn’t going near him cos it’s her meds she doesn’t mean it.

He doesn’t like being held accountable for his actions. Imagine that.

What did you gain from this meeting Scotgirl? Are you in, or out? 

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[Snakesalive]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Funny thing is I

Where’s the fun? You’ve had an endorphin /dopamine rush —all drug user experience a come down ...

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Funny thing is I met him last night and read him his character told him if it’s that bad he’s a mug for staying and I said maybe he just enjoys playing the victim to justify his cheating. He wasn’t amused. He then said maybe his wife isn’t going near him cos it’s her meds she doesn’t mean it. I said well why cheat on her then??? He’s like I don’t know. He then said he loved me and meant everything he said 

You need to stop trying to reason with him. 

He does not care. He does what serves him. Your feelings are not that important to him. Neither are his wife's. The sooner your realize this, the better. He's been a cheater for years, Scotgirl. You're not his first OW, and you won't be the last. 

[Scotgirl84]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

Your resolve lasted 48 hours? 

He doesn’t like being held accountable for his actions. Imagine that.

What did you gain from this meeting Scotgirl? Are you in, or out? 

Absolutely nothing but an insight to what he’s really like. His mask was slipping. He didn’t like hearing the truth getting his character read. I ended it and said we can just be friends

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to stop trying to reason with him. 

He does not care. He does what serves him. Your feelings are not that important to him. Neither are his wife's. The sooner your realize this, the better. He's been a cheater for years, Scotgirl. You're not his first OW, and you won't be the last. 

I know I think the more I hear from all your experience the more it’s actually sinking in. He’s not what I actually imagined he’s not that person I thought he was 

[Scotgirl84]

4 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Where’s the fun? You’ve had an endorphin /dopamine rush —all drug user experience a come down ...

I didn’t cry this time I was strong gave him a hug and left said we can be civil as we work together and left it at that 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

His mask was slipping. He didn’t like hearing the truth getting his character read. I ended it and said we can just be friends

So it's over until it's not over? 😉

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

So it's over until it's not over? 😉

Nah it’s defo got to be over cos you are all right. I’ll save myself further heartache further down the line if I end it now 

[Scotgirl84]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So it's over until it's not over? 😉

Even if I was too weak to end it....he will trust me he didn’t look pleased now I’m asking questions 

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Nah it’s defo got to be over cos you are all right.

Quote

Even if I was too weak to end it....he will trust me he didn’t look pleased now I’m asking questions 

And there is the caveat. The contradiction.

“I ended it, but I didn’t end it... I was too weak.” 

You may not realize it Scotgirl, but you are still playing games. You are deliberately provoking the man now to get him to respond to you. “Prove me wrong!” Or, at the very least, HE can end it because “I’m too weak.” 

If you chose to stay in this affair, own it. The only thing keeping YOU in this relationship, is you. 

With kindness, it’s a little self righteous to “read his character” when you are quite literally rowing in the same boat. 

 

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

And there is the caveat. The contradiction.

“I ended it, but I didn’t end it... I was too weak.” 

You may not realize it Scotgirl, but you are still playing games. You are deliberately provoking the man now to get him to respond to you. “Prove me wrong!” Or, at the very least, HE can end it because “I’m too weak.” 

If you chose to stay in this affair, own it. 

With kindness, it’s a little self righteous to “read his character” when you are quite literally rowing in the same boat. 

 

I know I’m totally failing miserably here at being strong and owning my decision which I know should be the right one! He doesn’t care about me deep down honestly I’m a total fool. Why did I not follow my head and end this before it began!!! Never ever follow my heart again head and gut rules 

[Starswillshine]

A few random thoughts to add here since reading through this thread:

1. The best revenge is living your best life. 
2. One day you will stop allowing him to benefit from you. I remember the moment with my ex, he wanted me to go on this extravagant trip that he planned for us. It was a bucket list for me. I REALLY wanted to go. BUT.... that would have allowed him to "feel good" about checking that off for me. It felt icky to keep giving him that benefit. (We were officially separated but he was trying hard to get me back).  
3.  You will never have a "gotcha" moment with him; and you will only find frustration trying. 
4. His explanations won't make sense to a rational person because it is all lies. 
5. My ex husband made me sound like a jealous wife because I was uncomfortable with how he interacted with women. FACT: He was a serial cheat, and although, I didn't know it at the time, my concerns were completely VALID. So yes.... cheating husbands usually bring out the worst in their spouses. 
6. My daughter was a teenager when his affairs surfaced. She is now grown. I have since forgiven my ex and we have a decent co-parenting relationship/friendship; however, she still hates her dad. It doesn't matter what I do to try to repair their relationship, it isn't happening (partly because he is still being himself). The hurt to children, even adult ones, can be just as deep as it is for the spouse. For some men/women, that is a hard pill to swallow. 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 4/29/2021 at 6:12 AM, Marc878 said:

Drop the hopium pipe.

I was trying to mentally sum up my response, but dang, Marc put it perfectly here--succinct and straight to the point.

You said you went on tablets to manage your anxiety over this. Don't you think that should have been enough for this man to have made a change? If he cared that much for you, if he were ever going to leave her for you, wouldn't he have done it so that your mental health wouldn't have to suffer? He didn't because he values his own comfort and security over your health. Never forget that.

What about you? Do you also value his comfort and security over your health? You have so far. Your tactic is not going to work to get him to leave. He doesn't value you enough to leave our else he would have already. 

Now, the worst thing you can do is go back on your word and get back together with him. That will teach him that you are so desperate to have him, to the point of sacrificing yourself to such a degree, that he can respect you less and give you even less, and you will still follow him like a lost puppy. 

You're at high risk for going back. No, you need to get control over yourself. Do not go back. Instead, do the hard work of making this break permanent. You have to value yourself more than you have in the past. One step at a time. Do not go back!

Edited May 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[NYAG]

On 5/1/2021 at 10:34 PM, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I’m totally failing miserably here at being strong and owning my decision which I know should be the right one! He doesn’t care about me deep down honestly I’m a total fool. Why did I not follow my head and end this before it began!!! Never ever follow my heart again head and gut rules 

That's my new rule. Never follow my heart. It only gets me in trouble.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 5/1/2021 at 4:43 PM, Scotgirl84 said:

Funny thing is I met him last night and read him his character told him if it’s that bad he’s a mug for staying and I said maybe he just enjoys playing the victim to justify his cheating. He wasn’t amused. He then said maybe his wife isn’t going near him cos it’s her meds she doesn’t mean it. I said well why cheat on her then??? He’s like I don’t know. He then said he loved me and meant everything he said 

Oops, I should have read the whole thread before responding. 

Dear dear Scotgirl, forget focusing on him, his motives, etc. Start focusing on you. Get yourself out of this mess. This man will NEVER EVER give you what you want. He will, however, string you along on his terms for as long as you allow it. 

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Oops, I should have read the whole thread before responding. 

Dear dear Scotgirl, forget focusing on him, his motives, etc. Start focusing on you. Get yourself out of this mess. This man will NEVER EVER give you what you want. He will, however, string you along on his terms for as long as you allow it. 

I agree with this. I think that focusing on him and his motivations for why he does what he does is just making excuses for him. And by making excuses for him, you are making excuses for why you are still in contact with him/seeing him etc. Focus on your excuses, why are you still making space for him. Why do you feel that you need to be treated like this? And by that same token that means you are keeping the situation going. The only person who can break an affair is the person on the receiving end, not the married person. If you carry on like this, nothing will change. Work out why you feel you need to operate at his level and change it. You can always do better.

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

I agree with this. I think that focusing on him and his motivations for why he does what he does is just making excuses for him. And by making excuses for him, you are making excuses for why you are still in contact with him/seeing him etc. Focus on your excuses, why are you still making space for him. Why do you feel that you need to be treated like this? And by that same token that means you are keeping the situation going. The only person who can break an affair is the person on the receiving end, not the married person. If you carry on like this, nothing will change. Work out why you feel you need to operate at his level and change it. You can always do better.

I know this is very true. Update I have met him spoke to him and I told him I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual.  He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Thoughts? 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free. I said let’s just be casual. I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses.

In other words, you’ve decided not to end the affair but to escalate the affair. There’s not a hope that you will be able to keep it casual. Women can rarely keep it casual, and you already have feelings for the man. You’ve made it clear, his feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t really matter what he wants, whether he wants to be physical or not. You are in charge now and you set the terms. But, it’s just another game that you play - to either get him to do what you want or to punish him. And that’s disturbing. You think you have control, but you don’t. Your anger is making the decisions right now and if you follow through with this scheme, you’ve guaranteed that this will hurt even more when it eventually ends. Good luck to you. 

Girl, you need to find yourself a counsellor this week because this is insane. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual.  He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Thoughts? 

My thoughts are that you are fooling nobody but yourself with this plan, OP. 

You're not making good choices. You might think you look strong and independent with this half-baked idea, but the truth is that it just makes you look like you have egg on your face and don't mean a word you said about ending this affair. 

This is silly and going to bring you more pain. 

 

[vla1120]

On 4/29/2021 at 7:28 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

No I think you are right Elaine he will come back as his fun is gone this will make me feel so much better and stronger as I will reject him. I want him to hurt like me so I can get over it 

Wanting him to hurt is not the right reason for rejecting him. Reject him because he won't leave his wife and commit to you. As everyone else has said, he's fed you the very typical my-marriage-is-broken-we-sleep-in-separate-rooms-I-can't-leave-her-and-be-the-bad-guy lines we've all heard over and over on this forum.

I just read your update. Nope. That's not a healthy attitude. Break it off with no contact. Otherwise, it looks a bit like you're planning to toy with him and string him along, hoping he eventually gives you what you really want. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by vla1120

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, vla1120 said:

Wanting him to hurt is not the right reason for rejecting him. Reject him because he won't leave his wife and commit to you. As everyone else has said, he's fed you the very typical my-marriage-is-broken-we-sleep-in-separate-rooms-I-can't-leave-her-and-be-the-bad-guy lines we've all heard over and over on this forum.

I know I’m trying my best to stay strong and take control of it and thinking the best way is to gently pull away from him but get stronger each day as I withdraw from him. I’m no wanting to hurt him or myself but think if I be honest tell him I’m looking about then and actually get a distraction then I will grow stronger each day. 

[Scotgirl84]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

In other words, you’ve decided not to end the affair but to escalate the affair. There’s not a hope that you will be able to keep it casual. Women can rarely keep it casual, and you already have feelings for the man. You’ve made it clear, his feelings don’t matter. It doesn’t really matter what he wants, whether he wants to be physical or not. You are in charge now and you set the terms. But, it’s just another game that you play - to either get him to do what you want or to punish him. And that’s disturbing. You think you have control, but you don’t. Your anger is making the decisions right now and if you follow through with this scheme, you’ve guaranteed that this will hurt even more when it eventually ends. Good luck to you. 

Girl, you need to find yourself a counsellor this week because this is insane. 

I know I honestly just wanted to pull away gently and tell him I’m no taking it anymore but still want to see him until I’m strong enough to move on