Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[vla1120]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I’m trying my best to stay strong and take control of it and thinking the best way is to gently pull away from him but get stronger each day as I withdraw from him. I’m no wanting to hurt him or myself but think if I be honest tell him I’m looking about then and actually get a distraction then I will grow stronger each day. 

The best way for you to grow stronger is to cut him out completely. It's really the only way you are truly going to heal. 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, vla1120 said:

The best way for you to grow stronger is to cut him out completely. It's really the only way you are truly going to heal. 

I believe I will soon honestly I’m feeling more confident about it right now I’m not strong enough or ready to say goodbye 

[Stupidkupid]

26 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this is very true. Update I have met him spoke to him and I told him I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual.  He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Thoughts? 

Are you sure you want our thoughts? You've ignored all of them so far.

You offered to still see and have sex with him. I don't get how you can't see that nothing has changed. You are sounding worryingly delusional. I don't mean for that to sound cruel but I would be interested to know how you anticipate meetind a good, decent partner while you continue to entertain this man.

From experience, you will string along really good men because they are keeping you busy but all you want is MM.

My advice from throughout stands. No contact and, quickly, therapy.

[Stupidkupid]

4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I’m trying my best to stay strong and take control of it and thinking the best way is to gently pull away from him but get stronger each day as I withdraw from him. I’m no wanting to hurt him or myself but think if I be honest tell him I’m looking about then and actually get a distraction then I will grow stronger each day. 

Again. From experience. This does not work.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I honestly just wanted to pull away gently and tell him I’m no taking it anymore but still want to see him until I’m strong enough to move on 

How does this help you to move on - to become even more involved with the man? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I believe I will soon honestly I’m feeling more confident about it right now I’m not strong enough or ready to say goodbye 

Confident women don't offer no-strings sex to married men they're in love with, Scotgirl. 

What you're displaying with this plan is the opposite of confidence and strength. And that is why this plan will fail spectacularly. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I’m trying my best to stay strong and take control of it and thinking the best way is to gently pull away from him but get stronger each day as I withdraw from him.

This sounds like a desperate attempt by a desperate woman to try and hold onto a relationship that is over. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What you're displaying with this plan is the opposite of confidence and strength. And that is why this plan will fail spectacularly. 

It will fail spectacularly. This plan shows her weakness, not confidence and strength.

A strong and confident woman would kick this man to the curb and live her best life without him. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

It will be interesting to see if this new “plan” will actually lead him to end it with you. 

Most men in this circumstance would not turn down no strings attached sex. But this, is starting to look like you’ve lost it OP and that may just scare him away. You are looking a little unstable right now and as such, you could become a threat to his marriage. Will be interesting to see if this is enough to make this man reconsider. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

34 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Again. From experience. This does not work.

Did you do this too? 

[Scotgirl84]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It will be interesting to see if this new “plan” will actually lead him to end it with you. 

Most men in this circumstance would not turn down no strings attached sex. But this, is starting to look like you’ve lost it OP and that may just scare him away. You are looking a little unstable right now and as such, you could become a threat to his marriage. Will be interesting to see if this is enough to make this man reconsider. 

Maybe this is what I need him to shake it off then I know it’s done 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Maybe this is what I need him to shake it off then I know it’s done 

Why not actually demonstrate the strength and confidence that you are trying to portray and just end it? If you don’t feel strong enough, fake it until you make it. At the very least, push pause and don’t speak to or meet the man until you have seen the counsellor and things look different different with some time and some space. 

You have criticized the man for his inability to end his marriage. You have criticized his words when he has told you that he is waiting for his wife to end the marriage. And yet, here you are... doing the very same thing. 

It’s like Henry Ford said, “'Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.” 

Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this is very true. Update I have met him spoke to him and I told him I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual.  He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Thoughts? 

🤢🤢🤢

So basically you told him you are managing down your expectations for him. "Hey, I'll still let you use me for sex while I pretend like I'm trying to move on, in desperate hope you will feel the pain I've been feeling and magically give me the relationship I want. Plus, I'm requiring less of you to boot."

He can see your words are meaningless because you don't back them up with actions. You are actually making this an even better proposition for him and a worse one for yourself. You would have been better off keeping the status quo since it's abundantly apparent you have no intention to extract yourself from your own self-demise.

This is going to get worse for you. The consequences are real and you are throwing yourself into them like you want to make yourself suffer more.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you soooo self-loathing? This is incredibly self-destructive behavior and you deceive yourself wildly. 

You need to listen up to those who have walked the path you are on!

Edited May 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Last sentence

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this is very true. Update I have met him spoke to him and I told him I’m moving on but we can still be friends see each other when I’m free and when I get serious with someone then we can call it a day. I said I’m no hanging about anymore waiting. I’ve cried my last tear. I said let’s just be casual.  He didn’t seem pleased said we are more than casual but had to agree to it. I said I’m pulling back my feelings and taking a new view on it. He was kinda lost for words he said so we won’t still see each other the way we did? I said no we can’t but we can catch up now and again I said but I’d prefer it was for sex rather than emotional stuff like chat hugs n kisses. I said might as well get something out it. He said I didn’t want us just to be about sex. I said well that’s all you can offer I’m afraid so I’ll find someone who can give me whole package and when I do I’ll let you know I’m moving on. He seemed so shocked and kinda taken aback cos I’ve said I’m basically using him until I find someone else. But he said he loves me so much and wants to see me as much as I can give. Thoughts? 

You can't be casual, you can't be friends. You are just trying to prolong it. Don't worry about him. When you're gone, he'll find another. They always do.

[Starswillshine]

Wait.... 

So you have went on about how he says it isnt about sex for him. And then you tell us you have only had sex with you in the back of his car. As if that means that he isnt into just having sex with you? 

Now you are offering him only sex. And he played you like a fiddle.... he got exactly what he wants meanwhile you are losing more and more of your own sef respect. 

Sad. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Starswillshine
Spelling error

[Scotgirl84]

15 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

🤢🤢🤢

So basically you told him you are managing down your expectations for him. "Hey, I'll still let you use me for sex while I pretend like I'm trying to move on, in desperate hope you will feel the pain I've been feeling and magically give me the relationship I want. Plus, I'm requiring less of you to boot."

He can see your words are meaningless because you don't back them up with actions. You are actually making this an even better proposition for him and a worse one for yourself. You would have been better off keeping the status quo since it's abundantly apparent you have no intention to extract yourself from your own self-demise.

This is going to get worse for you. The consequences are real and you are throwing yourself into them like you want to make yourself suffer more.

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you soooo self-loathing? This is incredibly self-destructive behavior and you deceive yourself wildly. 

You need to listen up to those who have walked the path you are on!

Aw god honestly I don’t know anymore I thought I was taking control with this and things would get better for me I’d be stronger. I’ve totally made an arse of the situation now you put it like that 

[Scotgirl84]

6 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Wait.... 

So you have went on about how he says it isnt about sex for him. And then you tell us you have only had sex with you in the back of his car. As if that means that he isnt into just having sex with you? 

Now you are offering him only sex. And he played you like a fiddle.... he got exactly what he wants meanwhile you are losing more and more of your own sef respect. 

Sad. 

It’s me that’s instigated sex the few times we had it. I’ve told him he needs to give me more time now but just to meet for sex instead of lovey dovey meet ups to talk hug n kiss which is what he seems to want to do 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’ve told him he needs to give me more time now but just to meet for sex

Again, how is this going to help you to let go and move on?

Edited May 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, NYAG said:

You can't be casual, you can't be friends. You are just trying to prolong it. Don't worry about him. When you're gone, he'll find another. They always do.

This is accurate...because OP, your purpose in his life is to fill a void. You need to lose the idea that you are his special princess, his singular exception. He already told you he's done this before. You can trust he learned how to improve his OW game from his prior experience(s).

This is a man who selfishly uses women to fill the needs in his life. He does not show concern about meeting their emotional needs or respecting them...look at his actions, not his words. Just like replacing faulty parts in a machine, he will replace an other woman (that's you) when she ceases to go along with his program.

You can believe he's gotten better at it with his past affair(s). You can't trust there has only been one other because this man is a cheater. Cheaters lie because they are dishonest, withholding characters. They think of their own needs with little concern for others.

Deny it all you want, but that is what you are dealing with here. 

[Scotgirl84]

7 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Wait.... 

So you have went on about how he says it isnt about sex for him. And then you tell us you have only had sex with you in the back of his car. As if that means that he isnt into just having sex with you? 

Now you are offering him only sex. And he played you like a fiddle.... he got exactly what he wants meanwhile you are losing more and more of your own sef respect. 

Sad. 

I know you think I am daft I am totally making an arse of it I know but I do believe him when he says he loves me. We can’t all assume he’s no genuine in his feelings I feel and see how he is with me. He’s in a s*** situation he’s no leaving and that’s the way it is. Unless she walks on him. He said we’ve built up this relationship through Covid and we have grew close and inseparable but it’s too difficult for him to just walk away 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I honestly just wanted to pull away gently and tell him I’m no taking it anymore but still want to see him until I’m strong enough to move on 

This is such a bad idea but I fear you’ll only admit that yourself in time . 

Affairs are built on lies deception and delusion -right now the person you’re deluding and lying to the most is  you 

 Maybe the catalyst will be When  you’re really at rock bottom -when you blow up the lives of his family and yours -when his wife  finds out, when his kids are angry and you’re on the receiving end of it . Or when you wake up one day and really hate yourself for enabling this situation to continue and actually get worse . You have an opportunity to move on -to give your full energy to someone who is free -this won’t happen while you are in this ridiculous position. If you really wanted to let go you would -because you’d truly had enough IMO  you’re not their yet .
 

All affairs have one thing in common they’re temporary but the impact they have on everyone can last forever 

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Again, how is this going to help you to let go and move on?

Cos in the meantime I’ll find someone else to chat to just for a distraction then I’ll realise he’s not what I want and need 

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

This is such a bad idea but I fear you’ll only realise that in time : When  you’re really at rock bottom -when you blow up the lives of his family and yours -when his wife  finds out, when his kids are angry and you’re on the receiving end of it . Or when you wake up one day and really hate yourself for enabling this situation to continue and actually get worse . You have an opportunity to move on -to give your full energy to someone who is free -this won’t happen while you are in this ridiculous position. If you really wanted to let go you would -because you’d truly had enough IMO  you’re not their yet .
 

All affairs have one thing in common they’re temporary but the impact they have on everyone can last forever 

 

If he was genuinely happy at home and wanted to stay then he would end it with me now cos he’s not caring about getting caught most of the time. He told me now Covid is settling we will have loads more time together cos she will be out doing things with her mates and he will be able to make plans with me. 

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

This is such a bad idea but I fear you’ll only realise that in time : When  you’re really at rock bottom -when you blow up the lives of his family and yours -when his wife  finds out, when his kids are angry and you’re on the receiving end of it . Or when you wake up one day and really hate yourself for enabling this situation to continue and actually get worse . You have an opportunity to move on -to give your full energy to someone who is free -this won’t happen while you are in this ridiculous position. If you really wanted to let go you would -because you’d truly had enough IMO  you’re not their yet .
 

All affairs have one thing in common they’re temporary but the impact they have on everyone can last forever 

 

He gets mad and upset when I say we are just an affair he said no we are not we are much more than that 

[lana-banana]

4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Cos in the meantime I’ll find someone else to chat to just for a distraction then I’ll realise he’s not what I want and need 

Finding someone else won't do anything for you. As long as you are attempting to use external influences for internal validation this cycle will continue. You have to demand better and do better for yourself.