Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Finding someone else won't do anything for you. As long as you are attempting to use external influences for internal validation this cycle will continue. You have to demand better and do better for yourself.

I have no other option now I’ll just need to try and distance myself from him and stop being reliant on him for company and start filling in my time without him 

[lana-banana]

5 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He gets mad and upset when I say we are just an affair he said no we are not we are much more than that 

Of course he says this. Would you have agreed to any of this if HE were the one saying it was only about sex? 

You wouldn't do this if he said it was meaningless. He tells you it's not meaningless so you keep offering it (without any work on his part!) When he insists it's more, you become willing to give it to him even when it's so much less than what you want. This is basic psychology.

Edited May 3, 2021 by lana-banana

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Of course he says this. Would you have agreed to any of this if HE were the one saying it was only about sex? 

You wouldn't do this if he said it was meaningless. He tells you it's not meaningless so you keep offering it (without any work on his part!) When he insists it's more, you become willing to give him less. This is basic psychology.

He isn’t pushing for sex though never has which confused me said he wanted to have a proper night away 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Aw god honestly I don’t know anymore I thought I was taking control with this and things would get better for me I’d be stronger. I’ve totally made an arse of the situation now you put it like that 

Yep, it is like you showed up to a gun fight with a butter knife while yelling, "I'm going to get you good with this butter knife." Two seconds later you're lying dead on the ground from bullet wounds. That is you in this situation.

You can never change the script as an OW meaning you can't make the MM behave or act the way you want him to.

Your only choice is to keep putting up with everything on his terms or walk away. That is it. 

True strength is walking away, cutting all contact, providing no additional explanations, eliminating all manners that MM can break no contact, and never looking back. Everyone knows that is what true strength looks like, including MM. Anything besides is you twisting in the wind, exposing your desperation to have crumbs at any cost to you. What does that communicate about your belief about your own worth? Examine that question carefully...MM and all others will treat you based on the value you established for yourself. 

Edited May 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Of course he says this. Would you have agreed to any of this if HE were the one saying it was only about sex? 

You wouldn't do this if he said it was meaningless. He tells you it's not meaningless so you keep offering it (without any work on his part!) When he insists it's more, you become willing to give him less. This is basic psychology.

I can tell it does mean something though he’s defo in love with me you can’t fake that with touch body language and what he says and does. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Cos in the meantime I’ll find someone else to chat to just for a distraction then I’ll realise he’s not what I want and need 

Oh, you are planning to monkey branch from one man to another. 

Why not go to counselling and learn to stand on your own? Why not focus on yourself, do some introspection, and learn how to be self reliant such that you won’t invite these kind of men who offer nothing but unhealthy relationships into your life? 

[lana-banana]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

He isn’t pushing for sex though never has which confused me said he wanted to have a proper night away 

He doesn't need to push for sex when you keep throwing it at him. He tells you it's really love = you offer him sex. The more he piles it on, the more willing you are to have sex. Got it?

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Yep, it is like you showed up to a gun fight with a butter knife while yelling, "I'm going to get you good with this butter knife." Two seconds later you're lying dead on the ground from bullet wounds. That is you in this situation.

You can never change the script as an OW meaning you can't make the MM behave or act the way you want him to.

Your only choice is to keep putting up with everything on his terms or walk away. That is it. 

True strength is walking away, cutting all contact, providing no additional explanations, eliminating all manners that MM can break no contact, and never looking back. Everyone knows that is what the strength looks like, including MM. Anything besides is you twisting in the wind, exposing your desperation to have crumbs at any cost to you. What does that communicate about your brief about your own worth? Examine that question carefully...MM and all others will treat you based on the value you established for yourself. 

I know but I’m basically saying we can use each other until I find someone else and told him I’m withdrawing emotionally and proactively looking about now 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Oh, you are planning to monkey branch from one man to another. 

Why not go to counselling and learn to stand on your own? Why not focus on yourself, do some introspection, and learn how to be self reliant such that you won’t invite these kind of men who offer nothing but unhealthy relationships into your life? 

Yes I am doing that too defo 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

He doesn't need to push for sex when you keep throwing it at him. He tells you it's really love = you offer him sex. The more he piles it on, the more willing you are to have sex. Got it?

But he doesn’t take me up on my offer of sex he basically would rather cuddle me and kiss me and hear about my day 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I do believe him when he says he loves me. We can’t all assume he’s no genuine in his feelings I feel and see how he is with me. He’s in a s*** situation he’s no leaving and that’s the way it is.

If I had a quarter for every OW who made this same statement only to learn when they do gather the courage and strength to end it exactly how wrong they were...

[Snakesalive]

4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

If he was genuinely happy at home and wanted to stay then he would end it with me now cos he’s not caring about getting caught most of the time

Sorry but he’s telling you what he wants to hear and I think I when you  look back over your thread you will see that -you’re choosing what to believe and being selective . It really doesn’t  matter if he’s genuinely happy at home -what should matter to you is your happiness -you’re clearly genuinely not happy otherwise you wouldn’t be here.  
Im Afraid talk is cheap actions are what counts -“ he’s not caring about getting caught -most of the time -what does that even mean? 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

But he doesn’t take me up on my offer of sex he basically would rather cuddle me and kiss me and hear about my day 

Not all MM are scumbags he may well be in a situation he can’t escape he genuinely might love me but is torn between me and his Family these things do happen 

[BaileyB]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

But he doesn’t take me up on my offer of sex he basically would rather cuddle me and kiss me and hear about my day 

Nobody said he wasn’t getting something out of this affair too. 

Perhaps, having been caught once he is attempting to put a different boundary in place. Perhaps he thinks he is not really “cheating” if he doesn’t have sex with you. 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, Snakesalive said:

Sorry but he’s telling you what he wants to hear and I think I when you  look back over your thread you will see that -you’re choosing what to believe and being selective . It really doesn’t  matter if he’s genuinely happy at home -what should matter to you is your happiness -you’re clearly genuinely not happy otherwise you wouldn’t be here.  
Im Afraid talk is cheap actions are what counts -“ he’s not caring about getting caught -most of the time -what does that even mean? 

He is open when he kisses and cuddles me in public where he can be seen 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Nobody said he wasn’t getting something out of this affair too. 

Perhaps, having been caught once he is attempting to put a different boundary in place. Perhaps he thinks he is not really “cheating” if he doesn’t have sex with you. 

Possibly that’s it tbh 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Nobody said he wasn’t getting something out of this affair too. 

Perhaps, having been caught once he is attempting to put a different boundary in place. Perhaps he thinks he is not really “cheating” if he doesn’t have sex with you. 

I can’t just go and block him now after everything I said yest 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Not all MM are scumbags he may well be in a situation he can’t escape he genuinely might love me but is torn between me and his Family these things do happen 

You are doubling down on this argument again? 

I thought you agreed the other day that he is an adult, capable of making his own decisions and accepting responsibility for his decisions. Nobody keeps him trapped in a marriage he does not want. 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I can’t just go and block him now after everything I said yest 

I’ll just need to lie to him and say I’m chatting to someone and I’m thinking of going on a date 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, BaileyB said:

You are doubling down on this argument again? 

I thought you agreed the other day that he is an adult, capable of making his own decisions and accepting responsibility for his decisions. Nobody keeps him trapped in a marriage he does not want. 

I know but I genuinely believe he does love me 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I can’t just go and block him now after everything I said yest 

Sure you can. Tell him that you have really been struggling (he is well aware of this, I’m sure because your behavior has been erratic) but you have decided that you do need to end this affair. Tell him you wish him well. And block him.

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

You are doubling down on this argument again? 

I thought you agreed the other day that he is an adult, capable of making his own decisions and accepting responsibility for his decisions. Nobody keeps him trapped in a marriage he does not want. 

I don’t even know what to think anymore I thought I was getting somewhere with this and you are all right I’m doing it to try make him panic and maybe re think his decision incase he loses me 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Sure you can. Tell him that you have really been struggling (he is well aware of this, I’m sure because your behavior has been erratic) but you have decided that you do need to end this affair. Tell him you wish him well. And block him.

But then I’ve went crazy again. 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know but I genuinely believe he does love me 

I believe that you do. I’m sorry to say, that does not make it fact. 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

But then I’ve went crazy again. 

Tbh I should never ever have contacted him again shoulda left it. He said he’s been sick no sleeping his stomach hurting and ill at the fact of no seeing me again