Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Snakesalive]

@scotgirl84 did I read In an earlier post he might be moving jobs? Had this come out of the blue? 

[Scotgirl84]

22 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s playing games just like you! He is likely waiting for you to cave. He knows you will give in - how does he know that? Because you previously told him that it was over and then you called him up - you are back in! Your word is meaningless, you have showed him that you don’t mean what you say. 

Yeah he did tease me and say yeah we will see about that when I said I’m pulling out emotionally he said you’ll no resist me. Carrying on. But you are right. I’ll stay off my messages and just keep him at arms length slowly easing away 

[Scotgirl84]

18 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

@scotgirl84 did I read In an earlier post he might be moving jobs? Had this come out of the blue? 

No he was thinking about it recently to another department 

[Scotgirl84]

35 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

@Scotgirl84can I ask what’s the age difference between you? 

9 years 

[Stupidkupid]

The way you think this will play out is wrong. It just doesn't work like that.

Frankly, it doesn't work in normal relationships as a rule (just slowly withdrawing) and it certainly doesn't work here.

I saw you say above that it would destroy him if you just cut him off. Can I just ask, are you serious? To put it into perspective.

Here is a man, to which you mean little enough that he stays in his self described miserable marriage rather than be with you, that has had at least one previous affair (suspect more, un-detected). Who has committed nothing more than a string of platitudes. Who already has a home, a family. What about this scenario makes you think that you, his second (third, maybe fourth) other woman, would be the one to destroy himby your absence?

Sure, he may be upset. Probably annoyed. His ego will be bruised, I guess a part of him would miss your fawning over him. But he has a wife and a family and a home and... well, an abundance of women he can try his thing with.

You are not even his first, what makes you think he won't temporarily grieve the end of the affair and then move onto his next? He clearly did that with you.

It is arrogant for any of us to believe that another person could not survive us leaving them. 

The MM in my case once said he thought leaving his wife would destroy her. I told him it was arrogant and ridiculous. Without meaning to be rude, thats what it is.

And, if that is the case it is way too codependant to be a healthy and fulfilling relationship anyway.

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

The way you think this will play out is wrong. It just doesn't work like that.

Frankly, it doesn't work in normal relationships as a rule (just slowly withdrawing) and it certainly doesn't work here.

I saw you say above that it would destroy him if you just cut him off. Can I just ask, are you serious? To put it into perspective.

Here is a man, to which you mean little enough that he stays in his self described miserable marriage rather than be with you, that has had at least one previous affair (suspect more, un-detected). Who has committed nothing more than a string of platitudes. Who already has a home, a family. What about this scenario makes you think that you, his second (third, maybe fourth) other woman, would be the one to destroy himby your absence?

Sure, he may be upset. Probably annoyed. His ego will be bruised, I guess a part of him would miss your fawning over him. But he has a wife and a family and a home and... well, an abundance of women he can try his thing with.

You are not even his first, what makes you think he won't temporarily grieve the end of the affair and then move onto his next? He clearly did that with you.

It is arrogant for any of us to believe that another person could not survive us leaving them. 

The MM in my case once said he thought leaving his wife would destroy her. I told him it was arrogant and ridiculous. Without meaning to be rude, thats what it is.

And, if that is the case it is way too codependant to be a healthy and fulfilling relationship anyway.

Yes that’s too true I never meant it like I said I just meant he will be upset and hurt but like you say he isn’t making any sacrifices for me either why do I care???

[Stupidkupid]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yes that’s too true I never meant it like I said I just meant he will be upset and hurt but like you say he isn’t making any sacrifices for me either why do I care???

I know we're all probably coming across as a bit brutal. But we have all either been there, been the betrayed spouse or seen it on here a hundred times.

Him being upset... so what? He will get over it. Just like he did last time 

Your only responsbility right now is to yourself. At the moment, you're letting you down a little bit

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

So why does he accept it then? If it’s not serving him a purpose he wants emotional connection more than the sex? 

It is absolutley serving him a purpose:

No-strings sex. Continued attention. 

Your little deal actually probably works great for him, despite what he wants you to believe. You're not as emotionally-important to him as he is to you. So cutting out the emotional side of it isn't as dramatic and difficult fo him to deal with as you hope it is. He tells you that so you feel sorry for him and continue to stick around. 

You need to wake up and see how much he's playing you. 

[Scotgirl84]

29 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I know we're all probably coming across as a bit brutal. But we have all either been there, been the betrayed spouse or seen it on here a hundred times.

Him being upset... so what? He will get over it. Just like he did last time 

Your only responsbility right now is to yourself. At the moment, you're letting you down a little bit

I know you are honestly helps cos yous have been through this thanks for the support. I will do this 

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It is absolutley serving him a purpose:

No-strings sex. Continued attention. 

Your little deal actually probably works great for him, despite what he wants you to believe. You're not as emotionally-important to him as he is to you. So cutting out the emotional side of it isn't as dramatic and difficult fo him to deal with as you hope it is. He tells you that so you feel sorry for him and continue to stick around. 

You need to wake up and see how much he's playing you. 

What is he is a bit genuine though? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

What is he is a bit genuine though? 

What if?

He's not yours to date. He's another woman's husband, and not avilable to you. It makes zero difference if he's a bit genuine, as long as he is married to someone else. It's not going anywhere, and it's very clear he doesn't want it to. 

He wants to be her husband a lot more than he wants to be your boyfriend. 

[Scotgirl84]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What if?

He's not yours to date. He's another woman's husband, and not avilable to you. It makes zero difference if he's a bit genuine, as long as he is married to someone else. It's not going anywhere, and it's very clear he doesn't want it to. 

He wants to be her husband a lot more than he wants to be your boyfriend. 

Ok thanks 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Ok thanks 

These things happen I’m afraid and I’ll ensure it won’t ever happen again I’ve learned my lesson trust me 

[spiderowl]

I don't agree that you do not mean anything to the MM.  You do and he will miss you.  He wanted love and affection, some sex, but probably more than anything wanted to revive the feeling of being wanted, adored and in love.  It is important to his ego that you fall in love with him.  I know this because I have had discussions with MMen online and realised it was not just about sex for them (though it depends on the guy).

HOWEVER, women are the ones who end the most marriages, not the men.  Both men and women have affairs.  He is most likely to stay with his wife.  She is:

- his history

- his security (he can go home to 'mum' at the end of the day, like a kid playing out with his friends)

- his direction - some men go for dominant women, they like to be told what to do, they like the security of knowing someone else is in charge at home.  It makes them feel that they are not the one ultimately responsible for everything.  He may complain about it but it matters to him that he keeps that security

- his refuge from the outside world

- the woman who will stand by him even if he has affairs.

His kind of emotional involvement is not likely to be the same as yours.  You are thinking ahead of ways to be with him, how he could leave his wife and start a new life with you, etc.  He is thinking how much fun it is to have your love and attention while still having the security of home.

If you hang on to him, in any way, with the idea of gradually withdrawing from him and dating others, you will hit the problem of still being emotionally attached to him.  You are likely to find other men are not as attractive or smell right, because you are still 'bonded' to him.  You need to go through the process of detaching emotionally and physically in order to really feel free.  It doesn't all happen at a conscious level, so don't blame yourself for not being strong or finding this horrendously painful and difficult.  It is necessary for you to disengage completely, for your own sake, and you will get there once you realise that.

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[jah526]

3 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I don't agree that you do not mean anything to the MM.  You do and he will miss you.  He wanted love and affection, some sex, but probably more than anything wanted to revive the feeling of being wanted, adored and in love.  It is important to his ego that you fall in love with him.  I know this because I have had discussions with MMen online and realised it was not just about sex for them (though it depends on the guy).

Wow. Sorry, I don’t want to hijack this thread, but lightbulb moment for me. Wondered for a long time why he was always asking me if I loved him. Now I know.

I think the next step is realizing that he actually wants that from his wife but for whatever reason feels he can’t get it. So you become the substitute.

[Scotgirl84]

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I don't agree that you do not mean anything to the MM.  You do and he will miss you.  He wanted love and affection, some sex, but probably more than anything wanted to revive the feeling of being wanted, adored and in love.  It is important to his ego that you fall in love with him.  I know this because I have had discussions with MMen online and realised it was not just about sex for them (though it depends on the guy).

HOWEVER, women are the ones who end the most marriages, not the men.  Both men and women have affairs.  He is most likely to stay with his wife.  She is:

- his history

- his security (he can go home to 'mum' at the end of the day, like a kid playing out with his friends)

- his direction - some men go for dominant women, they like to be told what to do, they like the security of knowing someone else is in charge at home.  It makes them feel that they are not the one ultimately responsible for everything.  He may complain about it but it matters to him that he keeps that security

- his refuge from the outside world

- the woman who will stand by him even if he has affairs.

His kind of emotional involvement is not likely to be the same as yours.  You are thinking ahead of ways to be with him, how he could leave his wife and start a new life with you, etc.  He is thinking how much fun it is to have your love and attention while still having the security of home.

If you hang on to him, in any way, with the idea of gradually withdrawing from him and dating others, you will hit the problem of still being emotionally attached to him.  You are likely to find other men are not as attractive or smell right, because you are still 'bonded' to him.  You need to go through the process of detaching emotionally and physically in order to really feel free.  It doesn't all happen at a conscious level, so don't blame yourself for not being strong or finding this horrendously painful and difficult.  It is necessary for you to disengage completely, for your own sake, and you will get there once you realise that.

 

This is exactly what I need to do. Slow process but pull away bit by bit I can do this thanks 

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

This is so true. I feel as if I’m so needy and need him there till I replace him 

When you speak of need, it sounds like you're using him like some sort of crutch or drug, in which case, replacing him would mean adopting a new crutch or drug. There's nothing about love in that action. Rather, it's all about using another human being to fill a gaping hole in your life so that you dont have to think about it. What you need to do, instead, is stop using drugs/crutches altogether and deal with that gaping hole once and for all.

12 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

What do you think would have the best response? Blocking him would destroy him I think and I am not strong enough to completely cut him off. 

I don't for a second believe it would destroy him. I think his ego would be bruised for a bit then he'd replace you with someone else because, at the end of the day, he simply needs to feel heard/seen. Someone else can play the same role just as well. He's already broken the taboo of stepping out on his wife, so it wouldn't be that hard to do it with someone else.

Even if you were right, my thoughts would be "So what if it would destroy him? What you're doing right now is destroying you." Why do you prefer to sacrifice your well-being for his? Why do you prefer to give your children an emotionally battered and bruised version of yourself? (Even if you're hiding this stuff from them, you're not being the best person you can be in your relationships with them because of what this affair is doing to your self esteem.)

Edited May 4, 2021 by Acacia98

[elaine567]

This stepping away gradually is what many do before a break up.
They do it on the down low, they try to get it all sorted out in their head and when they feel more detached, they spring it on their partner.
By that time, they have done their grieving, any indecisive moments are behind them and it is then clear sailing into clear waters minus the partner...
Here it is not the same.
Here Scotgirl's MM is not coming up to expectations. he has in effect rejected her.
What she wants, he is not prepared to give

She loves him heart and soul but he refuses to leave his wife. This is essentially a forced break up.
She does not want to break up but feels she has to as it is going nowhere otherwise.

However she is not detached and cool as a cucumber, she is still invested, Hoping against hope he will come around and do her bidding.
He is the dumper, he is the one in control, as one word from him will make or break this relationship.
As the dumpee, the OP is in a bad position.
Still madly in love, she wants to make it right.

Offering  herself as a friend with benefits is just a ploy to keep it going, to get her fix but to punish  him at the same time, as she knows sex is not what he wants from her.
She is in no place to find a new man, nor will she be whilst this man is in her life.
No-one who is in love, still invested, attached can ever be just friends with the object of their desire because it hurts too much.
All one can do in the face of rejection and it IS rejection here, is to walk away, make a clean break.

OR she can accept the status quo, accept he is never leaving and carry on business as usual.... but at what price?

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Aw god honestly I don’t know anymore I thought I was taking control with this and things would get better for me I’d be stronger. I’ve totally made an arse of the situation now you put it like that 

He is in control of you, that's clear from an outsiders point of view. His game is working.

Edited May 4, 2021 by NYAG
wrong word

[ExpatInItaly]

Just a question, Scot, but what are you going to do if his wife finds out and he cuts you off without any warning?

[Scotgirl84]

9 hours ago, jah526 said:

Wow. Sorry, I don’t want to hijack this thread, but lightbulb moment for me. Wondered for a long time why he was always asking me if I loved him. Now I know.

I think the next step is realizing that he actually wants that from his wife but for whatever reason feels he can’t get it. So you become the substitute.

Yes I am the substitute defo I agree with that one 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just a question, Scot, but what are you going to do if his wife finds out and he cuts you off without any warning?

Take it on the chin and desk with it certainly wouldn’t beg him 

[Scotgirl84]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

When you speak of need, it sounds like you're using him like some sort of crutch or drug, in which case, replacing him would mean adopting a new crutch or drug. There's nothing about love in that action. Rather, it's all about using another human being to fill a gaping hole in your life so that you dont have to think about it. What you need to do, instead, is stop using drugs/crutches altogether and deal with that gaping hole once and for all.

I don't for a second believe it would destroy him. I think his ego would be bruised for a bit then he'd replace you with someone else because, at the end of the day, he simply needs to feel heard/seen. Someone else can play the same role just as well. He's already broken the taboo of stepping out on his wife, so it wouldn't be that hard to do it with someone else.

Even if you were right, my thoughts would be "So what if it would destroy him? What you're doing right now is destroying you." Why do you prefer to sacrifice your well-being for his? Why do you prefer to give your children an emotionally battered and bruised version of yourself? (Even if you're hiding this stuff from them, you're not being the best person you can be in your relationships with them because of what this affair is doing to your self esteem.)

Totally agree with what you say I need to put my words into actions 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Take it on the chin and desk with it certainly wouldn’t beg him 

I meant from an emotional standpoint, really. 

Would you be able to handle it? 

[BaileyB]

You are quiet today Scot. Are you doing ok?