Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You are quiet today Scot. Are you doing ok?

Hi yes sorry been working. My meds are kicking in and feeling a bit better. Still been replying to his messages and listening to his woes via text but not seen him and not asked to see him. He’s just been saying he misses me etc. I honestly know I sound weak but I feel bit stronger now I’m not being as reliant on him and starting to build my life back up on my own without depending on him and trying to arrange to meet him. This is progress for me. 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You are quiet today Scot. Are you doing ok?

Think I am actually getting bored with it all deep down. Excitement has gone with it now it’s like the high has gone. It was always exciting at the thought of actually being with him one day in the future now I know he’s never going to make that happen and I’m just his dumping ground for his problems and woes I’m kinda thinking what’s the point in investing anything into it tbh??? I’m no getting anything but misery back 

[Stupidkupid]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Think I am actually getting bored with it all deep down. Excitement has gone with it now it’s like the high has gone. It was always exciting at the thought of actually being with him one day in the future now I know he’s never going to make that happen and I’m just his dumping ground for his problems and woes I’m kinda thinking what’s the point in investing anything into it tbh??? I’m no getting anything but misery back 

Block him and move on with your life.

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Stupidkupid said:

Block him and move on with your life.

I wish I could 

[Stupidkupid]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I wish I could 

No-one here can help you if you can't help yourself.

The thing is, youre going to ve telling this same tale ib 6 months. Maybe even years. And he'll still be with his wife and you'll still be this side issue he has to deal with sometimes.

Every day you waste on him is a day you're getting older, a day you lose that you could ve committing to a man who wants to be with you and only you.

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Stupidkupid said:

No-one here can help you if you can't help yourself.

The thing is, youre going to ve telling this same tale ib 6 months. Maybe even years. And he'll still be with his wife and you'll still be this side issue he has to deal with sometimes.

Every day you waste on him is a day you're getting older, a day you lose that you could ve committing to a man who wants to be with you and only you.

I promise I won’t I’m getting stronger with this 

[Stupidkupid]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I promise I won’t I’m getting stronger with this 

You don't have to promise me anything, this is your life.

But i have been there. Maybe you'll be different to other women who have been where you are, but ira ststistically unlikely. Particularly given how this has gone this past week.

[czanclus]

I am here, a mere member with a measly 60ish total posts, to declare I read this entire discussion. All 15 pages of it. Yay.

While I cannot offer first-hand insight as either the "OW" or the "BS" of a cheating spouse, I can speak from experience of what it's like to be a single mom to one child after a failed relationship.

On that note, I see that very little text was spent addressing a very serious side-effect of this affair. In fact, I believe only one reader mentioned it - you have 3 young (probably under the max age of 12?) kids. How do you even have time for this forum, let alone mental space for processing such a humiliating heartache? You are not Madonna, or Angelina Jolie, or Kate Beckinsale, I'm sure, but are you financially OK with this arrangement? Are you getting custody and child support that will see that they are properly housed, fed, educated? I know USA is brutal in terms of making it as a single mom (unless you're Madonna who doesn't even live there these days and whose kids are young adults :P), even with a fairly regular child support check. Your country is probably more socially kind? But still... this is going to be a huge undertaking with three kids. Not to scare you, but please focus your energy on preparing for that and on making as much sure as you can that their relationship with their dad is enabled to develop naturally and in a positive way.

Forget this pathetic loser. Forgive yourself for indulging your vanities. We all have a deep need to feel special and loved. There are more dignified ways. Good luck.

[Scotgirl84]

14 minutes ago, czanclus said:

I am here, a mere member with a measly 60ish total posts, to declare I read this entire discussion. All 15 pages of it. Yay.

While I cannot offer first-hand insight as either the "OW" or the "BS" of a cheating spouse, I can speak from experience of what it's like to be a single mom to one child after a failed relationship.

On that note, I see that very little text was spent addressing a very serious side-effect of this affair. In fact, I believe only one reader mentioned it - you have 3 young (probably under the max age of 12?) kids. How do you even have time for this forum, let alone mental space for processing such a humiliating heartache? You are not Madonna, or Angelina Jolie, or Kate Beckinsale, I'm sure, but are you financially OK with this arrangement? Are you getting custody and child support that will see that they are properly housed, fed, educated? I know USA is brutal in terms of making it as a single mom (unless you're Madonna who doesn't even live there these days and whose kids are young adults :P), even with a fairly regular child support check. Your country is probably more socially kind? But still... this is going to be a huge undertaking with three kids. Not to scare you, but please focus your energy on preparing for that and on making as much sure as you can that their relationship with their dad is enabled to develop naturally and in a positive way.

Forget this pathetic loser. Forgive yourself for indulging your vanities. We all have a deep need to feel special and loved. There are more dignified ways. Good luck.

Thanks. I work and luckily I am able to support the kids financially. This has honestly not affected my children at all they have a great relationship with their dad as do I we are very civil. It’s early days but seems to be working they are much happier spending time alone with each parent. I have found this forum by chance and tbh it’s helping me hearing all your opinions and experiences I am getting stronger and I will come through this. I know I’m not taking direct advice to the block but I am handling it best way I can and I will update you all on my journey thanks agai. For the support. 

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

This has honestly not affected my children

Except that their mother is clearly distracted, heartbroken, and feeling such anxiety that she requires medication. 

With kindness Scot, you are fooling yourself if you think this doesn’t affect your children. They may not know or understand what is happening, but heir mother is not happy and healthy right now. That absolutely affects them, directly or indirectly. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Except that their mother is clearly distracted, heartbroken, and feeling such anxiety that she requires medication. 

With kindness Scot, you are fooling yourself if you think this doesn’t affect your children. They may not know or understand what is happening, but heir mother is not happy and healthy right now. That absolutely affects them, directly or indirectly. 

I’m on tablets due to my marriage breakdown too and feeling isolated and down and guilt think it’s all affected me in some way but no one would tell I honestly put a face on everyday 

[Arrangrl62]

He ain’t going to leave her . End of. 
sorry but you have to hear this 

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, czanclus said:

I am here, a mere member with a measly 60ish total posts, to declare I read this entire discussion. All 15 pages of it. Yay.

While I cannot offer first-hand insight as either the "OW" or the "BS" of a cheating spouse, I can speak from experience of what it's like to be a single mom to one child after a failed relationship.

On that note, I see that very little text was spent addressing a very serious side-effect of this affair. In fact, I believe only one reader mentioned it - you have 3 young (probably under the max age of 12?) kids. How do you even have time for this forum, let alone mental space for processing such a humiliating heartache? You are not Madonna, or Angelina Jolie, or Kate Beckinsale, I'm sure, but are you financially OK with this arrangement? Are you getting custody and child support that will see that they are properly housed, fed, educated? I know USA is brutal in terms of making it as a single mom (unless you're Madonna who doesn't even live there these days and whose kids are young adults :P), even with a fairly regular child support check. Your country is probably more socially kind? But still... this is going to be a huge undertaking with three kids. Not to scare you, but please focus your energy on preparing for that and on making as much sure as you can that their relationship with their dad is enabled to develop naturally and in a positive way.

Forget this pathetic loser. Forgive yourself for indulging your vanities. We all have a deep need to feel special and loved. There are more dignified ways. Good luck.

This is such a thoughtful and considered response from a different perspective.

And as @BaileyB rightly points out @Scotgirl84, your children are being affected by this. They've also gone through the divorce that has you on mental health medication.

When I was a child my parents divorced and I remember lots of it well. Mostly, I remember being worried about my mom. And i also remember a relationship she had after her divorce and she got her. I remember her sadness. Trust me. Your kids are not oblivious to this. They feel and sense it. The emotionally energy you are wasting on this man, your children deserve.

In my therapy, at the end of my A actually went over my mom after ger divorce and we discussed how I had mentally become an adult much earlier than I should have as I felt I waa protecting mt brother, because for a period my mom needed all of hee emotions to survive for herself. So during that period she met all of our physical needs but couldn't quite protect us emotionally.

[BaileyB]

22 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

When I was a child my parents divorced and I remember lots of it well. Mostly, I remember being worried about my mom. And i also remember a relationship she had after her divorce and she got her. I remember her sadness. Trust me. Your kids are not oblivious to this. They feel and sense it. The emotionally energy you are wasting on this man, your children deserve.

In my therapy, at the end of my A actually went over my mom after ger divorce and we discussed how I had mentally become an adult much earlier than I should have as I felt I waa protecting mt brother, because for a period my mom needed all of hee emotions to survive for herself. So during that period she met all of our physical needs but couldn't quite protect us emotionally.

This. Kids are often more insightful than we adults given them credit. I remember times in my childhood when my parents were under stress. I may not always have known why, but I knew when they were struggling.

I also think back to times in my life when I was struggling. I too thought at the time that I put on a good mask - the best I could at the time - but I think we tend to overestimate how well we do. It’s usually pretty transparent to those we know and love whence are not doing well.

[Scotgirl84]

17 hours ago, Arrangrl62 said:

He ain’t going to leave her . End of. 
sorry but you have to hear this 

I know this I honestly do 

[Arrangrl62]

2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this I honestly do 

Let it go and give yourself time to get over it. You will . 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, Arrangrl62 said:

Let it go and give yourself time to get over it. You will . 

I know it’s just so difficult 

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Your kids are not oblivious to this. They feel and sense it. The emotionally energy you are wasting on this man, your children deserve.

Absolutely. 

My partener's father was a lifelong cheater. Had more than one long-term affair on his mom. And he watched his mom cry, questio her value, drive herself crazy wondering where his dad was and why he didn't want to be at home with them. It ripped her apart, and forever changed the dynamic between my partner and his parents. 

I realize you're on the other side of this OP, but your children are not clueless. They will pick up on your distress. And maybe you could have some consideration for this man's wife and family, even if he doesn't. What you're doing is wrong on every level. Where did you own morals disappear to? 

[Scotgirl84]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Absolutely. 

My partener's father was a lifelong cheater. Had more than one long-term affair on his mom. And he watched his mom cry, questio her value, drive herself crazy wondering where his dad was and why he didn't want to be at home with them. It ripped her apart, and forever changed the dynamic between my partner and his parents. 

I realize you're on the other side of this OP, but your children are not clueless. They will pick up on your distress. And maybe you could have some consideration for this man's wife and family, even if he doesn't. What you're doing is wrong on every level. Where did you own morals disappear to? 

I don’t even know tbh suppose I’ve believed him that she doesn’t want him so it makes me not feel guilty for her 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I don’t even know tbh suppose I’ve believed him that she doesn’t want him so it makes me not feel guilty for her 

And that was exactly his intention with these sob stories- to get you to toss your own moral compass out the window and give yourself permission to have an inappropriate relationship with a married man. 

[Scotgirl84]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And that was exactly his intention with these sob stories- to get you to toss your own moral compass out the window and give yourself permission to have an inappropriate relationship with a married man. 

Yeah but others have said it too 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yeah but others have said it too 

So?

Unless they are at home with them, they can't presume to know what really goes on behind closed doors, or how much his infidelities have directly contributed to their dysfunction. He is good at painting himself the victim. You have yet to really understand this.  And even if their marriage is a mess, it still does not give you the right to help yourself to another woman's husband. 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

So?

Unless they are at home with them, they can't presume to know what really goes on behind closed doors, or how much his infidelities have directly contributed to their dysfunction. He is good at painting himself the victim. You have yet to really understand this.  And even if their marriage is a mess, it still does not give you the right to help yourself to another woman's husband. 

I know I totally get that and it’s something I would never ever have done or condoned but here I am in this mess I’ve got myself into through falling in love and allowing this to happen. If I thought for one second he would never leave her then I woulda left it alone. I genuinely believed he wanted to leave 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

If I thought for one second he would never leave her then I woulda left it alone. I genuinely believed he wanted to leave 

I genuinely believe that you genuinely believed him.

Is that who you want to be? The woman waiting to benefit from the breakup of another woman’s marriage? 

27 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yeah but others have said it too 

Regardless of whatever is happening in his marriage, he has the right to file for divorce - he does not have the right to have an affair. He does not have the right to betray his wife. And he does not have the right to involve you in his marriage. 

His excuses mean nothing. His promises mean nothing. They are just words. Easily said, meaningless unless they are backed up with actions. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’ve believed him that she doesn’t want him so it makes me not feel guilty for her 

He is not yours to take. 

You believed that she didn’t want him, which meant he was yours to have. But, that’s not true. 

Whether she wants him or doesn’t want him, they are married and he sleeps under the same roof as the woman every night. He has chosen to stay. The rest is meaningless. Just wishes and hopes... He has chosen to stay in his marriage. 

And as such, you need to get out. For your own sake, you need to leave them alone. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB