Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

I know this deep down but I’m addicted to seeing him it’s bad I know and karma will get me 

[BaileyB]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this deep down but I’m addicted to seeing him it’s bad I know and karma will get me 

The karma has already got you. You are miserably stuck in a dead end relationship that makes you depressed, anxious, and utterly miserable. That’s bad karma. 

Yes, you are addicted to seeing him, it doesn’t mean that you should stay in your addiction. Quitting smoking is hard, it doesn’t mean that you should continue smoking until you die of heart disease or cancer. Quitting drinking is hard, it doesn’t mean that you should drink yourself silly until you lose your job, your family leaves you, and you die of cirrhosis. 

If you chose to stay in your addiction that is your choice. Just know, it only becomes harder and more painful to quit the longer you stay. And, there is no happiness to be found in addiction. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this deep down but I’m addicted to seeing him it’s bad I know and karma will get me 

I don't know about "karma" (although, hey, you already are breaking up your family here) but if you think you're "addicted" to this person/situation, research limerence on the web as you may have this and (if you're not familiar with it) it can be a real issue for folks who are "in love with the wrong person" etc. Not saying you have this, that would be for you to determine, but perhaps...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

[Scotgirl84]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I don't know about "karma" (although, hey, you already are breaking up your family here) but if you think you're "addicted" to this person/situation, research limerence on the web as you may have this and (if you're not familiar with it) it can be a real issue for folks who are "in love with the wrong person" etc. Not saying you have this, that would be for you to determine, but perhaps...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

That’s defo me! I read it 

[Stupidkupid]

Hey @Scotgirl84 I hope you're doing okay.

I just wanted to re-iterate that no-one is giving you a hard time because they don't care. They're doing it because, oddly, they do care. 

Many of us are speaking to you from experience and the pain that goes with that. 

You keep saying you're addicted (see @mark clemson post above ref limerence) and then asking if therapy is really necessary. I'd say addicts get help. But also, addicts have to realise they need help and until you recognise the situation for what it is (he's using you to make his marriage better so he can survive it, to feed his emotional and/or physical needs, to feed his ego) you will remain in this limbo. And it hurts.

And that hurt doesn't improve, in fact, it changes you. It changed me.

Until you realise that when he says he can't leave his wife that he means it, whether the reason is true or not, and you need to start being honest with yourself. Properly, really honest with yourself. Therapy helps a lot with this. Sometimes its not comfortable but my goodness is it helpful.

If you are honest with yourself you will realise the following are all true:

• You are hurting yourself and you are complicit in damaging his wife. 
• You hold his wife in contempt because it serves your purpose to, not because she has done anything wrong to you. She does not deserve it. You believe the things that he/ people say about her because you need to believe that to continue to the affair and tell yourself its not bad. It is bad. 
• MM lie to people. To you. To his wife. To his friends. Lies.
• You will not meet someone else who helps you to draw away, for two fundamental reasons. 1) you are 'in love' with MM so you cannot commit yourself emotionally to another man, no matter how good they are. 2) this is not an unwitting man's job for you and it is unfair to draw someone else into your emotional s*** show. The men that want to be with you don't deserve this.
• You want him to be with you even though you have offered him an alternative arrangement. If this were not true, you would not pine for contact nor would you continue to speak negatively of his wife and family. You would not re-iterate his claims of love nor would you even encourage them from him. So the idea that you are comfortable with a sex only arrangement until you meet someone is a lie to yourself to help you get through it. Stop lying to yourself. It's bad enough that he is lying to you.
• You are not yourself. You are (most likely) withdrawn and lying to the people who care for you because you can't be completely honest with them (family and friends) about your behaviour here.
• You are affecting your children, even if not deliberately. 

I repeat. You need to block him everywhere, get therapy and move on with your life.

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Hey @Scotgirl84 I hope you're doing okay.

I just wanted to re-iterate that no-one is giving you a hard time because they don't care. They're doing it because, oddly, they do care. 

Many of us are speaking to you from experience and the pain that goes with that. 

You keep saying you're addicted (see @mark clemson post above ref limerence) and then asking if therapy is really necessary. I'd say addicts get help. But also, addicts have to realise they need help and until you recognise the situation for what it is (he's using you to make his marriage better so he can survive it, to feed his emotional and/or physical needs, to feed his ego) you will remain in this limbo. And it hurts.

And that hurt doesn't improve, in fact, it changes you. It changed me.

Until you realise that when he says he can't leave his wife that he means it, whether the reason is true or not, and you need to start being honest with yourself. Properly, really honest with yourself. Therapy helps a lot with this. Sometimes its not comfortable but my goodness is it helpful.

If you are honest with yourself you will realise the following are all true:

• You are hurting yourself and you are complicit in damaging his wife. 
• You hold his wife in contempt because it serves your purpose to, not because she has done anything wrong to you. She does not deserve it. You believe the things that he/ people say about her because you need to believe that to continue to the affair and tell yourself its not bad. It is bad. 
• MM lie to people. To you. To his wife. To his friends. Lies.
• You will not meet someone else who helps you to draw away, for two fundamental reasons. 1) you are 'in love' with MM so you cannot commit yourself emotionally to another man, no matter how good they are. 2) this is not an unwitting man's job for you and it is unfair to draw someone else into your emotional s*** show. The men that want to be with you don't deserve this.
• You want him to be with you even though you have offered him an alternative arrangement. If this were not true, you would not pine for contact nor would you continue to speak negatively of his wife and family. You would not re-iterate his claims of love nor would you even encourage them from him. So the idea that you are comfortable with a sex only arrangement until you meet someone is a lie to yourself to help you get through it. Stop lying to yourself. It's bad enough that he is lying to you.
• You are not yourself. You are (most likely) withdrawn and lying to the people who care for you because you can't be completely honest with them (family and friends) about your behaviour here.
• You are affecting your children, even if not deliberately. 

I repeat. You need to block him everywhere, get therapy and move on with your life.

Excellent post and absolutely truth in every point . People in affairs behave selfishly and deceitfully -some of the biggest lies are to ourself .  I’m not that person and I’m sure that’s the sane for you and others - I did not believe my actions in the affair were selfish -I had a warped belief that I had a right to be happy and he was my happy -I didn’t believe I was fooling or lying to myself -I could explain and rationalise everything -of course he would take drugs to cope with his marriage of course he would have a three some to get the spark back in his marriage 😱😳 

we are living proof we can turn this around -the. Journey of detaching and healing is hard but worth every step

@scotgirl84  I wish I could fast forward 3 months and show you 2 version of your life -if you stay in the affair and how your life would be out of it -believe me the decision you need to take now would be obvious ....

Edited May 6, 2021 by Snakesalive

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

That’s defo me! I read it 

The best thing to do to reduce the limerence, from what I understand, will be to make it more or less impossible to see him. Not sure if that's feasible for you, but that has a decent chance of helping. Barring that you'll just have to wait it out (probably a minimum of several months).

Time in nature (at least 10 min/day) should help a little as this boosts serotonin, but it doesn't fix it, just helps "take the edge off". Other things that a normal, healthy person enjoys, such as hobbies, fun, socializing, productive work, reading, TV shows you like, etc, etc will also help. Basically you want to keep your spirits up as much as possible. Exercising outdoors for example, might be a good practice to get into. Spending time with your children. "Achievements" - which means different things to different people, will presumably help boost your mood as well. Research things that boost the "happy chemicals" in your brain and implement as many of them as is reasonably feasible into your lifestyle.

Do NOT expect to feel this way about the next BF (when that eventually comes around, I'm assuming you will divorce perhaps incorrectly). Strong limerence is associated with dysfunctional "can't have" situations, so you actually don't get limerence overly strongly in a normal, healthy relationship. Also apparently your brain gradually adjusts (by growing fewer dopamine receptors) somewhat similarly to developing tolerance to a drug. You should have reasonable expectations for normal levels of "intensity" of attraction - all of which should be perfectly good and satisfying if you find a good BF.

Edited May 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[Scotgirl84]

10 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Hey @Scotgirl84 I hope you're doing okay.

I just wanted to re-iterate that no-one is giving you a hard time because they don't care. They're doing it because, oddly, they do care. 

Many of us are speaking to you from experience and the pain that goes with that. 

You keep saying you're addicted (see @mark clemson post above ref limerence) and then asking if therapy is really necessary. I'd say addicts get help. But also, addicts have to realise they need help and until you recognise the situation for what it is (he's using you to make his marriage better so he can survive it, to feed his emotional and/or physical needs, to feed his ego) you will remain in this limbo. And it hurts.

And that hurt doesn't improve, in fact, it changes you. It changed me.

Until you realise that when he says he can't leave his wife that he means it, whether the reason is true or not, and you need to start being honest with yourself. Properly, really honest with yourself. Therapy helps a lot with this. Sometimes its not comfortable but my goodness is it helpful.

If you are honest with yourself you will realise the following are all true:

• You are hurting yourself and you are complicit in damaging his wife. 
• You hold his wife in contempt because it serves your purpose to, not because she has done anything wrong to you. She does not deserve it. You believe the things that he/ people say about her because you need to believe that to continue to the affair and tell yourself its not bad. It is bad. 
• MM lie to people. To you. To his wife. To his friends. Lies.
• You will not meet someone else who helps you to draw away, for two fundamental reasons. 1) you are 'in love' with MM so you cannot commit yourself emotionally to another man, no matter how good they are. 2) this is not an unwitting man's job for you and it is unfair to draw someone else into your emotional s*** show. The men that want to be with you don't deserve this.
• You want him to be with you even though you have offered him an alternative arrangement. If this were not true, you would not pine for contact nor would you continue to speak negatively of his wife and family. You would not re-iterate his claims of love nor would you even encourage them from him. So the idea that you are comfortable with a sex only arrangement until you meet someone is a lie to yourself to help you get through it. Stop lying to yourself. It's bad enough that he is lying to you.
• You are not yourself. You are (most likely) withdrawn and lying to the people who care for you because you can't be completely honest with them (family and friends) about your behaviour here.
• You are affecting your children, even if not deliberately. 

I repeat. You need to block him everywhere, get therapy and move on with your life.

Every Single point you have made is true I completely understand this and appreciate your views and experiences...yet I’m still continuing to go along with this?? What is wrong with me? I do know that I feel stronger but still playing along with this game it’s not good. 

[Snakesalive]

56 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Every Single point you have made is true I completely understand this and appreciate your views and experiences...yet I’m still continuing to go along with this?? What is wrong with me? I do know that I feel stronger but still playing along with this game it’s not good. 

So stay in the situation-you have to be ready to detach  and  maybe it’s just not time for you .  Despite whet you’ve said I think you’re passively not actively listening . 
You have no idea what his wife or family are capable of if they find out about you -if you’re comfortable after all that’s been said In putting  your family at risk keep on the path you’re treading . Maybe  a D Day has to happen to bring this to a conclusion -just be careful  what you wish for....
 

[Stupidkupid]

11 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

So stay in the situation-you have to be ready to detach  and  maybe it’s just not time for you .  Despite whet you’ve said I think you’re passively not actively listening . 
You have no idea what his wife or family are capable of if they find out about you -if you’re comfortable after all that’s been said In putting  your family at risk keep on the path you’re treading . Maybe  a D Day has to happen to bring this to a conclusion -just be careful  what you wish for....
 

I do wonder... but he got caught before with someone else and it didn't stop him, although the unpleasantness of a D Day might help @Scotgirl84.

D Day, not matter when they come or how, are horrible. Even when the D Day occurs because MM/MW confesses. Trust me when I tell you, having the BS/ wife calling you and e-mailing you is not fun. At all. Worse than that, I suspect, is the usual throwing under the bus by MM. "It was all her, she is mentally disturbed, she is making it up, we are just friends and she keeps harassing me, she's stalking me, she instigated it, she chased me, she won't let me go. she's a siren" 

It will all be your fault, he will tell her he doesn't care about you in that way. Of course he doesn't love you, he has no idea where you got that idea. 

Oh, you've got evidence have you Scotgirl? Meaningless because, like you, she WANTS to believe him. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Oh, you've got evidence have you Scotgirl? Meaningless because, like you, she WANTS to believe him. 

She wants to believe him in much the same way that you do. 

We’ve got evidence that he is not a good man and this is not a good relationship for you but you want to believe otherwise - how are we doing convincing you to ditch this man and move on? I would say, not very well... 

You believe what you want to believe. You still want to trust him more than you want to believe/trust us. She will do the same. Don’t fool yourself. She’s already done it once, she may well do it again. 

The second time she discovers him will either be one step too far... Or, he will throw you under the bus and she will believe him. It’s a risky venture, D-Day. And yes, you best be careful what you wish for.

Edited May 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

She wants to believe him in much the same way that you do. 

We’ve got evidence that he is not a good man and this is not a good relationship for you but you want to believe otherwise - how are we doing convincing you to ditch this man and move on? I would say, not very well... 

You believe what you want to believe. You still want to trust him more than you want to believe/trust us. She will do the same. Don’t fool yourself. She’s already done it once, she may well do it again. 

The second time she discovers him will either be one step too far... Or, he will throw you under the bus and she will believe him. It’s a risky venture, D-Day. And yes, you best be careful what you wish for.

I know this is true. I do want to listen I want to be strong I want to move on. I’m just trying to do it slowly and try get stronger each day. I think completely cutting him off will destroy me. I am seeing him less and filling in my time more and growing bit more confident. I am also doing more things concentrating on things outside him work and my children and leisure. I can do this but in a slow way. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I can do this but in a slow way. 

Take a look around this forum, Scotgirl. 

See how many OW that approach actually worked for. I think what's going to happen is that you will stay engaged in this until he starts to pull away. And that will destroy you even more. 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Take a look around this forum, Scotgirl. 

See how many OW that approach actually worked for. I think what's going to happen is that you will stay engaged in this until he starts to pull away. And that will destroy you even more. 

I think me pulling away is actually taking effect on him I swear it please bare with me on it. He’s really ill at the thought of losing me he said it’s making him think about things and stuff he needs to do 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I think me pulling away is actually taking effect on him I swear it please bare with me on it. He’s really ill at the thought of losing me he said it’s making him think about things and stuff he needs to do 

I know there is the stereotypical mm who says all this but I do believe him I really do he’s miserable honestly and just stuck in a rut needs to get the confidence to do it and be happy 

[Stupidkupid]

5 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know there is the stereotypical mm who says all this but I do believe him I really do he’s miserable honestly and just stuck in a rut needs to get the confidence to do it and be happy 

I don't know what to say to you anymore. I want to help, we all do, but its clear you don't want to/ aren't ready to hear it.

He probably is bothered by you pulling away. So, he's telling you what he knows you need to hear to get you to be all in again. And you will be. Then the excuses start again.

I. Have. Been. There.

In fact, the only way to move past this is to drop him like a stone. No contact. Out of his life altogether. He can come back to you when hes divorced. 

If you haven't met anyone you still actually like anything about him, you could consider it.

But he won't leave. If anything, you make it easier for him to stay.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

In fact, the only way to move past this is to drop him like a stone. No contact. Out of his life altogether. He can come back to you when hes divorced. 

But he won't leave. If anything, you make it easier for him to stay.

Yup! 

He may be distressed with the anticipated demise of this relationship, but he will get over it. So will you. 

[Scotgirl84]

39 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I don't know what to say to you anymore. I want to help, we all do, but its clear you don't want to/ aren't ready to hear it.

He probably is bothered by you pulling away. So, he's telling you what he knows you need to hear to get you to be all in again. And you will be. Then the excuses start again.

I. Have. Been. There.

In fact, the only way to move past this is to drop him like a stone. No contact. Out of his life altogether. He can come back to you when hes divorced. 

If you haven't met anyone you still actually like anything about him, you could consider it.

But he won't leave. If anything, you make it easier for him to stay.

I know you speak sense and from experience I honestly believe him then I come to this listen to you all and have my doubts. It’s no good. And you are right I cut him completely off then if he’s leaving that’s when he would do something about it. I’m still here making his life more bearable 

[Juliette82]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time breaking away from this man! I havent told my story here yet.My head hasn't been screwed back on till yesterday.. It isn't quite the same as yours but none the less mine was married and this is what my end result was! Could be your fate too regardless if he says he may have to work towards doing something about it or not! 

So today marks 2 weeks I've been NC with my xMM. Blocked him right away. No social media, no stalking! 100% sticking firm to this! And let me tell you it's hard as hell to do but I believe it's absolutely necessary or your gonna lose your mind! 

It has been so hard! Like near panic attack moments, never experienced those before. Scared me! And at this moment I can say it would be absolutely unbearable if he was still trying to contact me or vice versa.. Don't meet, dont call/text him! Please just don't! Your feelings are clouding your judgment as are his WORDS and you won't make the right decisions for yourself esp if you are feeling weak, vulnerable and needing reassurance. I was promised the moon and stars, marriage, kids, all of it, but all I got was a broken heart and a complete mind **** 😖

We ended things the day they were to sign divorce papers. I was under the impression they both wanted out. Told me he loved me before he went in that office and said "He NEEDED this"

Then my world came crashing down on me so fast! She had "changed her mind" that day and told him if he wants a divorce he has to fight her for it. Suprise! HE CAVED! Is gonna move back home, reconcile and go to MC. I couldn't believe what I was hearing come out of his mouth! They had already been separated living apart, talked with their family/children about it and working towards selling assets. After their meeting with the lawyer the excuses/reasons came pouring out of his mouth of why he's going back(common theme ive seen here)🤮. Whether legit reasons or not doesn't matter he made his decision to go back and I had to accept it was over! Same moment he said how much he loves me and how this outcome isn't what he wants but he's "trapped" now. Please, He's a grown man! 🙄  He even said for me to always remember that he loves and cares so much for me as he's balling his eyes out🙄 🤮🤮 I'm disgusted by this! Idk if that is mind games but that really messes ones head up!

It takes everything I have inside of me each day to get through the day. I have a great support system and there are no secrets about my situation with family and friends, but man do I struggle sometimes. 🥴 some days effin suck and some are just barley manageable. Give it time!! That's what I keep telling myself anyways.

So to reiterate what im trying to get to you see is at this point you really should get out of the situation and go NC. It's gonna hurt like hell but do it!!! This is the one thing that our fellow loveshackers have said over and over again. I swear it truly works and I can attest to that as I used it after past breakups. 

 This has shook me to my core! I loved that man and believed he did me too. We both swore we couldn't live live a day without each other and look here I am living without him! Im still a complete mess though and picking up the pieces but the fog is slowly lifting.

My xMM is possibly already back home living the life he chose. I try not to think if he's happy or not. He knows he hurt me admitted it and apologized but no way I can continue being apart of his life in any way!!!

So I wish you the best of luck and will pray that you can truly move away from this nightmare of a situation. I really hate to see anyone else living in this misery.

Juliette💛

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Juliette82 said:

He made his decision to go back and I had to accept it was over! Same moment he said how much he loves me and how this outcome isn't what he wants but he's "trapped" now. Please, He's a grown man! 🙄

He is a grown man. 

He chose to please her, not you. 

I’m sorry. I hope this is the beginning of a new future for you. It hurts like hell now but best you know now than years down the road... when you own a home with this man, possibly have children together. His wife wants him - she is welcome to have him! 

[Juliette82]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He is a grown man. 

He chose to please her, not you. 

I’m sorry. I hope this is the beginning of a new future for you. It hurts like hell now but best you know now than years down the road... when you own a home with this man, possibly have children together. His wife wants him - she is welcome to have him! 

I complety get what your saying! Thanks for saying that, helped so much!

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I think me pulling away is actually taking effect on him I swear it please bare with me on it. He’s really ill at the thought of losing me he said it’s making him think about things and stuff he needs to do 

Oh dear. 

You are going to wind up in a world of pain here. The denial and self-delusion is deep. 

[Poppy47]

11 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I think me pulling away is actually taking effect on him I swear it please bare with me on it. He’s really ill at the thought of losing me he said it’s making him think about things and stuff he needs to do 

So what??? He will make a train wreck out of your life.  YOu should not care what he is feeling. YOu should be considering your own health and well being.

I know it will be useless to say this but Block everything, do not offer an explanation and walk away asap.  Never look back.  YOu need to cut him out of your life completely before you will get stronger.

YOu will never go anywhere while you dither around with him.  

Poppy

[Scotgirl84]

7 minutes ago, Poppy47 said:

So what??? He will make a train wreck out of your life.  YOu should not care what he is feeling. YOu should be considering your own health and well being.

I know it will be useless to say this but Block everything, do not offer an explanation and walk away asap.  Never look back.  YOu need to cut him out of your life completely before you will get stronger.

YOu will never go anywhere while you dither around with him.  

Poppy

What happens is he’s actually genuine though??? I know majority aren’t but I do believe him I mean he’s no getting sex from me and he wants to see me every single day. That’s got to count for something. I can tell he does love me with the way he holds me listens to me and looks at me 

[Scotgirl84]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh dear. 

You are going to wind up in a world of pain here. The denial and self-delusion is deep. 

I honestly feel he’s genuine but just stuck in a rut and scared to make the leap which is understandable tbh it’s all he’s known