Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Snakesalive]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I honestly feel he’s genuine but just stuck in a rut and scared to make the leap which is understandable tbh it’s all he’s known 

Ok let’s look at this a different way .Let’s say he is genuine and he does leave her  -what them? How do you see the future for you? 

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Ok let’s look at this a different way .Let’s say he is genuine and he does leave her  -what them? How do you see the future for you? 

We would start a proper relationship when dust settles a bit 

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

We would start a proper relationship when dust settles a bit 

Have you discussed that with him?
Would he want that?

To me he sounds incredibly weak, can't leave, can't lose you... what can he do?

[Scotgirl84]

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Have you discussed that with him?
Would he want that?

To me he sounds incredibly weak, can't leave, can't lose you... what can he do?

He said if she finished with him which he said she isn’t happy they are both miserable then he will leave and come get me. He is weak can’t seem to make the break. He said he isn’t confused he knows he wants me but just doesn’t want to hurt people. 

[elaine567]

Ok so if she kicks him out, he will run to you... wow aren't you the lucky one...
He is not choosing you, he is using you as a back up plan in case she decides to end the marriage...

[Scotgirl84]

22 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok so if she kicks him out, he will run to you... wow aren't you the lucky one...
He is not choosing you, he is using you as a back up plan in case she decides to end the marriage...

He wants marriage to end but he isn’t strong enough to walk 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

What happens is he’s actually genuine though??? I know majority aren’t but I do believe him I mean he’s no getting sex from me and he wants to see me every single day. That’s got to count for something. I can tell he does love me with the way he holds me listens to me and looks at me 

If he was genuine he would have left his wife ages ago. Can't you see that? He's using you.

[Stupidkupid]

4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He wants marriage to end but he isn’t strong enough to walk 

He's weak and pathetic, what a catch.

[Aether]

38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I honestly feel he’s genuine but just stuck in a rut and scared to make the leap which is understandable tbh it’s all he’s known 

If it's all he's known then trust me, he won't leave.  Mine said these very words to me, he gave me the impression that he was "trapped", he was, but he kept himself there by choice because "it's all he knows".  He was back and forth, in and out, all over the place for an entire year while I gave away more and more of myself.  It was crazy making, 

I'll tell you what happened in the end, he was caught with someone other than me (I'm not supposed to know this, he didn't tell me, the information made it's way to me via others).  He attempted to get me to spend the night with him AFTER this happened and after he ended things (it didn't happen obviously, I refused to put us through that) I haven't seen him in 3 months (I've been furloughed), we haven't spoken for just over 2.  IT IS HARD, but once you get some distance and the fog starts to clear things will begin to look different.

I didn't end it, he did.  He wasn't cruel, very far from it.  He had to go into counselling after he was discovered apparently (again, he didn't tell me this, I knew he was having counselling but for childhood trauma and drinking), he wanted to sort his life out (he's a trainwreck of a man), meaning he wanted to be there for his family.  I accepted this and hoped that he would in fact get the healing that he so desperately needed because despite the head****,  I loved the bloke, still do, that's why I wished him well and let him go, not only for his sake but for MINE.

It's slow, it's hard and it hurts like hell but it does get easier I can promise you that.  I never would have made the progress I have had I not been furloughed, it was a blessing in disguise in a way.

I'll tell you something else, when I first came here I thought very much like you, that I could handle it, I still believe that I could have back then, but he pulled me back in and we had a great few months where we became closer than ever and that made the end all the more painful.  Lesson learned the hard way, don't be like me, listen to these people.

[Scotgirl84]

14 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

If he was genuine he would have left his wife ages ago. Can't you see that? He's using you.

Using me for what though? 

[Aether]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Using me for what though? 

Sometimes all they want is attention.

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Aether said:

Sometimes all they want is attention.

True. It’s a catch 22. I’m slowly pulling away though maybe that’s why he’s panicking 

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I honestly feel he’s genuine but just stuck in a rut and scared to make the leap which is understandable tbh it’s all he’s known 

But he's is not your project that needs fixing.

[Scotgirl84]

14 minutes ago, NYAG said:

But he's is not your project that needs fixing.

I know this but I want to be with him 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know this but I want to be with him 

But he doesn't really want to be with you, else he would be.
His job now is to keep you on board whilst he stays married.

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

But he doesn't really want to be with you, else he would be.
His job now is to keep you on board whilst he stays married.

I’m not so sure his life is pretty miserable. He said he doesn’t want to lose me and end up back stuck there with nothing miserable 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’m not so sure his life is pretty miserable. He said he doesn’t want to lose me and end up back stuck there with nothing miserable 

Of course he doesn't want to lose you, you make his life more bearable. He wants to maintain both.
BUT when it comes down to  you vs staying married he chooses to stay married, you already proved that.
 

[Scotgirl84]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Of course he doesn't want to lose you, you make his life more bearable. He wants to maintain both.
BUT when it comes down to  you vs staying married he chooses to stay married, you already proved that.
 

Yes I do know this. I’m in denial I’m thinking longer we spend together then hopefully he will not want to lose me and then make the decision to leave. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

We would start a proper relationship when dust settles a bit 

Do you geuinely believe he wouldn't cheat on you eventually, too? That's what he does and you would incredibly naive to believe he wouldn't do it to you when he gets bored of you. Don't fool yourself into thinking you two would have a great relationship. He's not cut out for it. 

He isn't leaving his marriage, though. You need to get used to that idea. This is a total dead-end. 

Edited May 8, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you geuinely believe he wouldn't cheat on you eventually, too? That's what he does and you would incredibly naive to believe he wouldn't do it to you when he gets bored of you. 

He isn't leaving his marriage, though. You need to get used to that idea. This is a total dead-end. 

I do trust him tbh cos he will get what’s he’s lacked in his marriage with me affection time and company and sex 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I do trust him

Huge mistake right here. 

[Scotgirl84]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Huge mistake right here. 

I don’t even know anymore tbh 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

I don’t even know anymore tbh 

Yes, you do. 

You just don't want to see it, because it feels good to be desired. My strong sense is that you didn't think he were interested in you (and thus made you feel wanted and "special"), you would not be so fixated on him at all. 

He's essentially told you that you are Plan B. His wife and marriage are more important than you. If they weren't, he wouldn't be telling you that he will come to you if she ends it. Scotgirl, this man is being blatant that you are not his first choice. She is. It doesn't matter why. You are his fall-back plan. 

Where is your self-esteem?

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, you do. 

You just don't want to see it, because it feels good to be desired. My strong sense is that you didn't think he were interested in you (and thus made you feel wanted and "special"), you would not be so fixated on him at all. 

He's essentially told you that you are Plan B. His wife and marriage are more important than you. If they weren't, he wouldn't be telling you that he will come to you if she ends it. Scotgirl, this man is being blatant that you are not his first choice. She is. It doesn't matter why. You are his fall-back plan. 

Where is your self-esteem?

Do you honestly think he’s playing a game?? Do you think there could be some genuine truth in what he’s saying though? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Do you honestly think he’s playing a game?? Do you think there could be some genuine truth in what he’s saying though? 

Absolutely, yes. It's obvious. 

And no, I don't think he's being genuine. Sure, he likes your attention and companionship. But it's nowhere near as important to him as this whole thing is to you.