Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know I know but I’m scared I’m peaking too early we’ve no even had sex yet properly in a room 

He's probably terrible in bed and doesn't want you to figure that out. 

You need to wake up. 

[Stupidkupid]

Sigh.

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He says he thinks about me 24/7 misses me so much and loves me???

But... not enough to actually leave his marriage for you.

 

7 hours ago, Stupidkupid said:

Your presence in his life actually helps him to stay in his marriage. The absolute opposite of what you think is happening.

Exactamundo...

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

But... not enough to actually leave his marriage for you.

 

Exactamundo...

Right I’ve booked a night out with my pals so I’ll get over him just got to get back to normality and my old self and my old life. I value all your advice I do and I will do this 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Right I’ve booked a night out with my pals so I’ll get over him just got to get back to normality and my old self and my old life. I value all your advice I do and I will do this 

Everything yous say is so right I 100% know this I’m in denial 

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Right I’ve booked a night out with my pals so I’ll get over him just got to get back to normality and my old self and my old life.

One night isn’t going to do the trick.

The best, the only, way to get back to normality and get back to your own self is to go no contact - which you don’t want to do because you are afraid he will leave and it will be done. 

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

One night isn’t going to do the trick.

The best, the only, way to get back to normality and get back to your own self is to go no contact - which you don’t want to do because you are afraid he will leave and it will be done. 

I’ll fade away from him slowly but surely 

[Scotgirl84]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

One night isn’t going to do the trick.

The best, the only, way to get back to normality and get back to your own self is to go no contact - which you don’t want to do because you are afraid he will leave and it will be done. 

I actually sound manic btw and I’m far from it ha ha I’m just going through a really tough time with separation and falling in love with a married man during one of the strangest times of our lives Covid. It’s just been such a strain 

[Poppy47]

13 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

What happens is he’s actually genuine though??? I know majority aren’t but I do believe him I mean he’s no getting sex from me and he wants to see me every single day. That’s got to count for something. I can tell he does love me with the way he holds me listens to me and looks at me 

AGain I say to you"So What".  He might love you and you might love him but it doesn't alter anything. He is married and will stay so.  Love does not mean that he will leave his marriage or his wife for you. If he did you would be faced with monumental problems that would destroy you both.

It seems you are determined to blindly carry on.  Have you read the stories here?  This site is littered with broken hearts and the stories and pretty much the same.  He loves me but he can't leave his marriage.  Yes he can, he doesn't want to.  He wants to have you and the marriage. He wants it all while you get nothing.

POppy.

[Scotgirl84]

14 minutes ago, Poppy47 said:

AGain I say to you"So What".  He might love you and you might love him but it doesn't alter anything. He is married and will stay so.  Love does not mean that he will leave his marriage or his wife for you. If he did you would be faced with monumental problems that would destroy you both.

It seems you are determined to blindly carry on.  Have you read the stories here?  This site is littered with broken hearts and the stories and pretty much the same.  He loves me but he can't leave his marriage.  Yes he can, he doesn't want to.  He wants to have you and the marriage. He wants it all while you get nothing.

POppy.

Yip that’s true. I’ll break it off. In my own way and time very very soon 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I actually sound manic btw and I’m far from it ha ha I’m just going through a really tough time with separation and falling in love with a married man during one of the strangest times of our lives Covid. It’s just been such a strain 

No, it sounds like you are having a really difficult time ending this relationship.

Why exactly, is difficult to understand because from the outside looking in this seems like a no-brainer. Your response that you are going to slowly limit contact and distance from the man is total BS to anyone who’s ever been through something similar or read any posts on this site. People say this time and again and it doesn’t work. It’s just like the old - I’m going to end it but we want to stay “friends.” Covid has been hard for everyone. I wouldn’t use that as an excuse to stay in a bad relationship. You continue to make excuses to stay involved with this man and for what - so you can have sex with him in a bed and not a car? No, you continue to hold out hope that he will decide to leave his wife and decide to become a part of your life - be careful what you wish for...

Edited May 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Its called hope.
She wants him and is determined to get him.

Like so many OWs she thinks she is the better deal.
She is the younger, more exciting, more compassionate, more sexy, more interesting, more compatible model.
The person he is bound to choose, the person he will be happiest with.
BUT he has other ideas.
Yes he wants such a person in his life, who wouldn't? but he is not prepared to ditch his wife and family for her.
His OW may push, she may blackmail, she may even be successful, but she then has a man who will likely grow to resent her for splitting up his family.
Men in affairs are in affairs for a reason and that reason is usually not to find a wife replacement, he already has one of those and he likely does not want another one.

@Scotgirl84
If he wanted a divorce he would have left and filed as soon as you expressed any serious interest.
As it is he is not leaving, please listen to him, he knows what he wants, bulldozing him into leaving will not end well.
I don't think forcing a guy to leave his wife for you will be very validating or satisfying when you sit back later and think about it..
Surely it would be better to have a guy who loves you so much it is his decision to leave of his own volition, not because you pushed him  into doing it.

[Scotgirl84]

57 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Its called hope.
She wants him and is determined to get him.

Like so many OWs she thinks she is the better deal.
She is the younger, more exciting, more compassionate, more sexy, more interesting, more compatible model.
The person he is bound to choose, the person he will be happiest with.
BUT he has other ideas.
Yes he wants such a person in his life, who wouldn't? but he is not prepared to ditch his wife and family for her.
His OW may push, she may blackmail, she may even be successful, but she then has a man who will likely grow to resent her for splitting up his family.
Men in affairs are in affairs for a reason and that reason is usually not to find a wife replacement, he already has one of those and he likely does not want another one.

@Scotgirl84
If he wanted a divorce he would have left and filed as soon as you expressed any serious interest.
As it is he is not leaving, please listen to him, he knows what he wants, bulldozing him into leaving will not end well.
I don't think forcing a guy to leave his wife for you will be very validating or satisfying when you sit back later and think about it..
Surely it would be better to have a guy who loves you so much it is his decision to leave of his own volition, not because you pushed him  into doing it.

Yes you are completely right. After a year if he wanted me he would make the move. He pretends he’s stuck and hard to make the move. He is weak and pathetic and enjoys his free time with me but doesn’t want to commit to any sort of future with me. He’s happy taking the odd  hour here and there and now cos I’ve changed my ways and putting it out there that I am actively looking about I’m not concentrating on him cos he said he won’t leave he still hasn’t stepped up so that says it all. Maybe he is a brilliant actor maybe he’s is playing me all along and like you say he’s good at it!!

[Snakesalive]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Maybe

The time you stop using this word in conversation about him is the time you will have  genuinely made the shift in your thinking and actions .  The fact you’re using it tells me you’re still in hope, still in denial , I’m sorry you haven’t found the strength yet to go no contact -maybe you’re destined to be the OW until HE decides otherwise. 

[Scotgirl84]

47 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

The time you stop using this word in conversation about him is the time you will have  genuinely made the shift in your thinking and actions .  The fact you’re using it tells me you’re still in hope, still in denial , I’m sorry you haven’t found the strength yet to go no contact -maybe you’re destined to be the OW until HE decides otherwise. 

No you are right I need to take control of this situation and fast. 

[czanclus]

And, here we are, on page 20, and this conversation is still looping around the cutting off the cheating MM or sticking around in delusional hopes of him 'breaking free'. While it's obvious to everyone but the OP that it's a disastrous (even counter-productive) decision to keep the affair going, the OP dreads the most probable prospect of MM coming to terms with affair's end and staying with current spouse.

I feel for you, scotgirl, and I wish that you get through this soon. You need to consciously decide that you want to detangle yourself from this and not look back. I can put money on the prediction that in 4 years from now, you will look back at this situation and be in utter disbelief at how foolishly you thought you matter. You could look like a model, you could be totally holding your own financially, you could be orders of magnitude more educated and cultured than your 'competition', you could be dynamite in bed - and still, it won't be enough. A reader that's gone through such an affair has told you as much in very similar words. It won't be enough. And it'll just needlessly erode your own self-worth to realize that after wasting up to several years hanging on and making excuses for him.

Yes, BB Thornton left Laura Dern for Angelina Jolie, and Billy Crudup left Mary L Parker for Claire Danes, but a regular Joe is staying solidly put with his however in his deliberately deceitful description annoying chain-and-ball wife. That whole fantasy of him leaving as soon as you two have 'sex in a proper room' is nothing more than that. How many men (of various financial means) do you think get mind-blowing sex on the fairly regular by turning to escorts and similar other professionals, and not once think they should 'trade up' to that. I knew of a man who was visiting a dominatrix regularly even after he got divorced and went with his mistress, who looked in top physical shape, groomed and dressed to the T, was very open in bed for all the same things he got from a dominatrix, begged him not to go to her, and still he did. That 'relationship' went bust not a year after it got official, and it was messy. Three kids involved, two by her, one by him. NEVER. TRIVIALIZE. THE. MICRO. INFLUENCE. YOUR. ACTIONS. HAVE. ON. THE. CHILDREN. I know you think you, this, is all different. It is not. Unfortunately it is not.

Get angry, disgusted, and fed up now. Drop this nonsense. No arguments, no explanations, no apologies, no looking back, just leave. Let him, if you really matter, seek you out so that you can tell him in very kind, vulnerable-sounding, but very resolute, very few explicit words that you forgive yourself for getting involved, but that you have no intention of making the same mistake ever again.

You can do this.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

No you are right I need to take control of this situation and fast. 

Do you work together?

[elaine567]

On 4/29/2021 at 10:51 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

. It hurts knowing I’ll need to see him in work every single day

 

[Snakesalive]

On 5/7/2021 at 10:54 PM, Juliette82 said:

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time breaking away from this man! I havent told my story here yet.My head hasn't been screwed back on till yesterday.. It isn't quite the same as yours but none the less mine was married and this is what my end result was! Could be your fate too regardless if he says he may have to work towards doing something about it or not! 

So today marks 2 weeks I've been NC with my xMM. Blocked him right away. No social media, no stalking! 100% sticking firm to this! And let me tell you it's hard as hell to do but I believe it's absolutely necessary or your gonna lose your mind! 

It has been so hard! Like near panic attack moments, never experienced those before. Scared me! And at this moment I can say it would be absolutely unbearable if he was still trying to contact me or vice versa.. Don't meet, dont call/text him! Please just don't! Your feelings are clouding your judgment as are his WORDS and you won't make the right decisions for yourself esp if you are feeling weak, vulnerable and needing reassurance. I was promised the moon and stars, marriage, kids, all of it, but all I got was a broken heart and a complete mind **** 😖

We ended things the day they were to sign divorce papers. I was under the impression they both wanted out. Told me he loved me before he went in that office and said "He NEEDED this"

Then my world came crashing down on me so fast! She had "changed her mind" that day and told him if he wants a divorce he has to fight her for it. Suprise! HE CAVED! Is gonna move back home, reconcile and go to MC. I couldn't believe what I was hearing come out of his mouth! They had already been separated living apart, talked with their family/children about it and working towards selling assets. After their meeting with the lawyer the excuses/reasons came pouring out of his mouth of why he's going back(common theme ive seen here)🤮. Whether legit reasons or not doesn't matter he made his decision to go back and I had to accept it was over! Same moment he said how much he loves me and how this outcome isn't what he wants but he's "trapped" now. Please, He's a grown man! 🙄  He even said for me to always remember that he loves and cares so much for me as he's balling his eyes out🙄🤮🤮 I'm disgusted by this! Idk if that is mind games but that really messes ones head up!

It takes everything I have inside of me each day to get through the day. I have a great support system and there are no secrets about my situation with family and friends, but man do I struggle sometimes. 🥴 some days effin suck and some are just barley manageable. Give it time!! That's what I keep telling myself anyways.

So to reiterate what im trying to get to you see is at this point you really should get out of the situation and go NC. It's gonna hurt like hell but do it!!! This is the one thing that our fellow loveshackers have said over and over again. I swear it truly works and I can attest to that as I used it after past breakups. 

 This has shook me to my core! I loved that man and believed he did me too. We both swore we couldn't live live a day without each other and look here I am living without him! Im still a complete mess though and picking up the pieces but the fog is slowly lifting.

My xMM is possibly already back home living the life he chose. I try not to think if he's happy or not. He knows he hurt me admitted it and apologized but no way I can continue being apart of his life in any way!!!

So I wish you the best of luck and will pray that you can truly move away from this nightmare of a situation. I really hate to see anyone else living in this misery.

Juliette💛

Thank you so much for sharing your story . I’m sorry this happened to you , our situations  are all slightly different but there are always some common themes -affairs hurt like hell and going no contact is the only way to healing . It’s all about time and distance -2 weeks in I’m sure it’s very raw but I think you’re doing great 

You sound very resolute and  i hope Ow/OM  feel inspired by your strength to do the right thing . 

Edited May 9, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Scotgirl84]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work together?

Yes 

[czanclus]

7 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yes 

Pay attention in class, Wiseman.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yes 

Ok well then you are going to see each other all the time. Is he a coworker or supervisor?

Either way, if you wish to stop seeing married men, you'll have to put effort into your appearance, confidence, personality and get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Married men require zero effort, including any looks or personality. At this point showing up for work is all either of you have to do. 

 This way you can redirect your focus to available single men. That would  stop the hopeless romantic, moth-to-flame scenario, so typical of  affairs.

Keep in mind he may not shower after having sex with his wife. So. At least a decent single guy would be interested in you and make more effort than showing up for work.

 

[Scotgirl84]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok well then you are going to see each other all the time. Is he a coworker or supervisor?

Either way, if you wish to stop seeing married men, you'll have to put effort into your appearance, confidence, personality and get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Married men require zero effort, including any looks or personality. At this point showing up for work is all either of you have to do. 

 This way you can redirect your focus to available single men. That would  stop the hopeless romantic, moth-to-flame scenario, so typical of  affairs.

Keep in mind he may not shower after having sex with his wife. So. At least a decent single guy would be interested in you and make more effort than showing up for work.

 

He 100% doesn’t have sex with his wife and I know this. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He 100% doesn’t have sex with his wife and I know this. 

She told you this?

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

He 100% doesn’t have sex with his wife and I know this. 

Cue everyone saying I am delusional. I am delusional to the fact he’s never leaving but not delusional to what he’s got at home! I know there is nothing between them but I also know it’s his history and he won’t leave in fear of upsetting everyone in his family. Remember I do know him I know it’s easy to stereotype him with every other mm but he’s honestly different. I will break away from it and hold my head up high. I am decent looking good personality and loads going for me I have fallen in love with this guy and he has too it was silly mistake for both of us. I’m just not as emotionally stable as I was previous due to lots of changes in my life with my separation and Covid etc but I’ll get back to my old self sooner than later