Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How about - let’s call it off. 

Honestly, you don’t need to offer an explanation. He already knows this relationship has an expiry date. Not many women will accept this kind of arrangement long term. 

Text the man and say “I’m sorry, I’ve decided this isn’t what I want anymore. I wish you well.” And then block him. 

He will get over it. So will you. 

I honestly will tomorrow and I mean it I’m done with it all cannot be bothered it’s no worth my while getting nothing whatsoever out of it it’s time to be strong brave and leave him to it 

[Scotgirl84]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I honestly will tomorrow and I mean it I’m done with it all cannot be bothered it’s no worth my while getting nothing whatsoever out of it it’s time to be strong brave and leave him to it 

I’m here listening to all his woes then he goes back home to his wife and goes to bed with her at night I am delusional 

[mimic2021]

I agree with Bailey on this one. Simple and short message, block and move on. But I don’t think you 1) want this 2) are able to do this and 3) understand why you should do this.

Scot, I hope you will come to realize that this is not really about this man. Take a hard look on yourself, go inside and do an inventory: what is it about this man that you desire? Don’t you want to have someone that cares for you deeply, that chooses you and makes you a priority? Don’t you want to be loved? 

You do. And you’re hurt. I can read it through all your replies, in every sentence. But I highly doubt that it’s about this man. I’m confident it’s not about him personally. I just cannot imagine a scenario where you really think this is all you deserve. You deserve compassion. And poor Scot, I feel for you. I think most if not all of us do. 

I can imagine that you thought it would make you feel better to see him again. It didn’t and it won’t. Nothing this man would ever have given you or said to you would have made you feel better. That you have such a strong reaction to his rejection and your (pardon if it sounds harsh) delusion and ability to laser focus on the bits that fit your narrative shows that there is much more going on. This is not healthy. You have a problem. And Scot - this is perfectly normal. This is not a sign of you being weak or crazy. Actually, I think it was a good step to come to this forum and ask for input. That shows strength. And I think you have tons of strength, even if you can’t feel it. 

The anxiety you feel, is it really anxiety over him? Your nervous system is acting up, you feel restless, out of control. There are a thousand thoughts racing through your mind. You feel overwhelmed, you want to let go but at the same time you want to hold on and there are so many emotions. It‘s maddening, isn’t it? This is about more than him. He represents more. What happened to you? Ask yourself this question. Go back in time and think - where have you felt like this before? Has something like this, where you felt similar, ever happened to you? It’s a rhetorical question - just ask yourself this. Reflect on it.

Love doesn’t feel like this. I know you know that. But you’re not yet ready to grasp anything I write about. So many good input on this thread and you’re not ready to understand it yet. Scot, again, you deserve compassion. You deserve love. I understand and feel for you. You are so hurt. I can imagine you just want to take a deep breath, cry and sleep. This must be so exhausting. Isn’t it?  You don’t understand what we tell you. Everyone says that you should block and move on.

But you don’t know how this works. You don’t understand. You want to resolve this. It’s more than just blocking him. We’ve all been through something similar. We know your pain, we’ve experienced the delusion, the back and forth. You are not a crazy person. I just think it’s been a tough few years for you. I don’t think you’ve been happy with your husband, I can imagine it must have been so much stress. And you were searching for love and comfort and got lost in the arms of this man that clearly is not good for you.

You don’t have to understand why he does what he does. You don’t have to understand why you should block him. You don’t even have to understand why you feel the way you feel right now. You should go to counseling ASAP and figure these things out with the help of a trained counselor. And you need distance from him ASAP. Nothing you do or say will resolve this situation in a quick manner. Just know that you need to get help and cut ties. At least for now. 

Again, I feel for you. I am sorry you are experiencing this. I hope you can find some peace and happiness very soon.

Edited May 10, 2021 by mimic2021

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’m here listening to all his woes then he goes back home to his wife and goes to bed with her at night I am delusional 

Yes, and you need to remember he's been doing this the whole time. 

You made the mistake of thinking you were working towards a future with this man. It's never been about that for him, though. He enjoys the side action when it suits him, but he never planned to leave his wife to be with you. 

[NYAG]

13 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Met him tonight to listen to his woes about work no seen him in 2 days and all he wanted to do was moan about stuff. I swear it shows his selfishness. I am starting to see another side to him now honestly guys. It was half an hour of him ranting then kiss and a cuddle. Wtf is the point??? So I can be his emotional side piece for him to let of steam. I swear I have never said this but I honestly am getting sick of being a total doormat 

As soon as things go off the boil a bit you start to notice the things that irritate you about them. Always complaining about stuff is a big turn off for me. I'm attracted to positivity. Hopefully you're seeing him in a new light, enough to reconsider your options.

[Scotgirl84]

38 minutes ago, NYAG said:

As soon as things go off the boil a bit you start to notice the things that irritate you about them. Always complaining about stuff is a big turn off for me. I'm attracted to positivity. Hopefully you're seeing him in a new light, enough to reconsider your options.

I am it’s getting so tedious now he moans at me gets it off his chest then runs back to his wife playing happy families not so good for me 

[Scotgirl84]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and you need to remember he's been doing this the whole time. 

You made the mistake of thinking you were working towards a future with this man. It's never been about that for him, though. He enjoys the side action when it suits him, but he never planned to leave his wife to be with you. 

You know what our relationship is based on keeping his wife happy tbh the Kenny has dropped if he loves her then he can go and work things out with her cos if he loved me then he would be at least making an effort which he isn’t! 

[Scotgirl84]

40 minutes ago, NYAG said:

As soon as things go off the boil a bit you start to notice the things that irritate you about them. Always complaining about stuff is a big turn off for me. I'm attracted to positivity. Hopefully you're seeing him in a new light, enough to reconsider your options.

He’s not done anything with me in a year such as dinner lunch overnight nothing what’s the point! 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He’s not done anything with me in a year such as dinner lunch overnight nothing what’s the point! 

Excellent question. 

You're hanging for...what, exactly? Sweet words now and then? 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Excellent question. 

You're hanging for...what, exactly? Sweet words now and then? 

That’s exactly it a few I love yous! Actions speak louder than words I’m fed up with it now honestly 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

That’s exactly it a few I love yous! Actions speak louder than words I’m fed up with it now honestly 

Good. That's where you need to be, to really find the motivation to drop this toad. 

He's nothing special, OP. He filled a void in your life, edvidently, at a time when you were searching for love and wanted to be cherished. But this isn't love. He doesn't cherish you. 

[Scotgirl84]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good. That's where you need to be, to really find the motivation to drop this toad. 

He's nothing special, OP. He filled a void in your life, edvidently, at a time when you were searching for love and wanted to be cherished. But this isn't love. He doesn't cherish you. 

He doesn’t I’m not his priority merely just a stop gap and a hobby tbh. Our relationship is based on keeping his wife happy n sweet. If he loved me he would defo be trying to get as much time as he could with me and seeing me as much as he could instead it’s just when it’s convenient for him and his family lifeb

[NYAG]

45 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I am it’s getting so tedious now he moans at me gets it off his chest then runs back to his wife playing happy families not so good for me 

That's kind of the role of the AP. You get the bits the spouse at home doesn't. Unfortunately right now for you, that's getting the whiney child. Why should you get that bit of him. You're not his therapist.

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, NYAG said:

That's kind of the role of the AP. You get the bits the spouse at home doesn't. Unfortunately right now for you, that's getting the whiney child. Why should you get that bit of him. You're not his therapist.

Yip I get nothing from him at all not even sex!! What’s the point in this at all 

[NYAG]

45 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He’s not done anything with me in a year such as dinner lunch overnight nothing what’s the point! 

So why, a year later are you still 'with him'? You've just asked, what's the point. So what is the point?

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Yip I get nothing from him at all not even sex!! What’s the point in this at all 

Meeting him tonight to tell him face to face I’m getting nothing from this now so it’s pointless he should go back to working on his marriage since his prime concern is keeping his wife happy 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

If he loved me he would defo be trying to get as much time as he could with me and seeing me as much as he could

And even more than that?

He would find a way to be with you in an honest and honourable relationship. He isn't doing that, and it's clear he has no intention of it, either. 

You will never find happiness with a married man. Him spending time with you or having sex with you means zero as long as he's still married. You still will not be happy. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

And even more than that?

He would find a way to be with you in an honest and honourable relationship. He isn't doing that, and it's clear he has no intention of it, either. 

You will never find happiness with a married man. 

Agreed. I swear now I’m done I’ll take the grieving process over than this spanning out for more months to suit him 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yip I get nothing from him at all not even sex!! What’s the point in this at all 

Are you truly angry with him, or is this another ploy to get him to leave her for you? 

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, NYAG said:

So why, a year later are you still 'with him'? You've just asked, what's the point. So what is the point?

Again I think it was about hope.
There is something satisfying about being the one he turns to, the one he unburdens himself to, the one who he trusts, his personal confidante. 
"He doesn't tell his wife his worries but he tells ME, therefore I must be very important to him" 
He is not seen as a whiner or a moaner, he is seen as a poor unhappy man, a man SHE can fix.
"If we were together I would make him happy."

[Stupidkupid]

I can't see a good reason to meet him face to face to tell him you don't want to continue.

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Again I think it was about hope.
There is something satisfying about being the one he turns to, the one he unburdens himself to, the one who he trusts, his personal confidante. 
"He doesn't tell his wife his worries but he tells ME, therefore I must be very important to him" 
He is not seen as a whiner or a moaner, he is seen as a poor unhappy man, a man SHE can fix.
"If we were together I would make him happy."

Which is why the above statement is so true - this is less about him, than it is about her. 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Again I think it was about hope.
There is something satisfying about being the one he turns to, the one he unburdens himself to, the one who he trusts, his personal confidante. 
"He doesn't tell his wife his worries but he tells ME, therefore I must be very important to him" 
He is not seen as a whiner or a moaner, he is seen as a poor unhappy man, a man SHE can fix.
"If we were together I would make him happy."

All of this is so true -hard to admit at the time but true . This is the narrative we tell ourselves -In our heads it puts us in front in the  competition with the betrayed spouse . It’s only afterwards we realise that 

a) MM is really no prize 

b) an OW can never compete with all that the BS offers the MM -shared history, children , stability etc

Edited May 11, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

to tell him face to face I’m getting nothing from this now

Good ;this statement is you taking control -it’s about you not him

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

he should go back to working on his marriage since his prime concern is keeping his wife happy 

Not so good-IMO you can think this but DONT SAY IT  . It takes the value from your first statement -it’s not up to you to tell him he should go back  to work on his marriage or what his prime concern is -it’s his marriage not yours -it’s his responsibility not yours , his life not yours . 
If you must do the face to face or contact by text keep it brief, keep it focused on you -that’s what matters. Good luck