elaine567 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Agreed, that little aside 2 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: since his prime concern is keeping his wife happy shows bitterness and jealousy. Dignity is needed here. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aether Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 13 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: All of this is so true -hard to admit at the time but true . This is the narrative we tell ourselves -In our heads it puts us in front in the competition with the betrayed spouse . It’s only afterwards we realise that a) MM is really no prize b) an OW can never compete with all that the BS offers the MM -shared history, children , stability etc I realised b before it ended. He told me his feelings for me were as strong as they had been for her and he never expected that. I told myself then that even if true I never had the shared history and family with him so therefore could never compete with that, I wasn't his stability. Said these exact words to my best friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 7 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: Not so good-IMO you can think this but DONT SAY IT . It takes the value from your first statement -it’s not up to you to tell him he should go back to work on his marriage or what his prime concern is -it’s his marriage not yours -it’s his responsibility not yours , his life not yours . If you must do the face to face or contact by text keep it brief, keep it focused on you -that’s what matters. Good luck This is her anger talking. It’s a swipe at him, she is taking her anger out on him. It’s this statement that makes me wonder if she is still prodding him, a little more forcefully, to make a different decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 26 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Agreed, that little aside shows bitterness and jealousy. Dignity is needed here. This is it. Whatever dignity you have left, keep it. Don’t let this man take anything more from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Aether said: I realised b before it ended. He told me his feelings for me were as strong as they had been for her and he never expected that. I told myself then that even if true I never had the shared history and family with him so therefore could never compete with that, I wasn't his stability. Said these exact words to my best friend. It’s easy in the intensity of an affair to underestimate or just ignore how important all that stuff is -of course the MM plays it down too -it’s in his interest to . IMO one of the AP just assumes that we know all that is really important so why would we expect them to leave it all behind ? Edited May 11, 2021 by Snakesalive 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 26 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This is her anger talking. It’s a swipe at him, she is taking her anger out on him. It’s this statement that makes me wonder if she is still prodding him, a little more forcefully, to make a different decision. Agreed Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 56 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: Agreed Think it’s a bit of both if I’m completely honest. I’m hurt from his little time he thinks of me etc 30 mins time in 2 days is all I’ve got and even then it was to moan vent and then say love you kiss kiss. Then drove off to go to bed with his wife. It’s no good anymore. He’s not making an effort at all he’s not bothered about trying to spend time with me I will never be his priority so why should I make him such a priority in mine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: This is it. Whatever dignity you have left, keep it. Don’t let this man take anything more from you. What do you suggest I say to him honestly? Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 7 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Think it’s a bit of both if I’m completely honest. I’m hurt from his little time he thinks of me etc 30 mins time in 2 days is all I’ve got and even then it was to moan vent and then say love you kiss kiss. Then drove off to go to bed with his wife. It’s no good anymore. He’s not making an effort at all he’s not bothered about trying to spend time with me I will never be his priority so why should I make him such a priority in mine. So I’m no psychic but I’m guessing the conversation will go something like this YOU : you’ve hardly spent anytime with me , I’m not your priority your wife is HIM:that’s not true I’m sorry , you know things are difficult for me ( remember how I spent the time we had moaning to you already? YOU : and we’ve not even had sex in a room-in a year you’ve not even taken me for lunch HIM:again I’m sorry , I’ll make it up to you I promise , you know how much I love you , I’ll show you I’m putting effort in -lunch tomorrow? YOU: ok , I love you too And so it goes on ........... Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Think it’s a bit of both if I’m completely honest. I’m hurt from his little time he thinks of me etc 30 mins time in 2 days is all I’ve got and even then it was to moan vent and then say love you kiss kiss. Then drove off to go to bed with his wife. It’s no good anymore. He’s not making an effort at all he’s not bothered about trying to spend time with me I will never be his priority so why should I make him such a priority in mine. So quick question-if he does make more of an effort-spends more time with you and didn’t moan and look to you as his emotional crutch and made you his priority ( not sure how he’d demonstrate that given you know as the OW you’ll never but never be his priority)I’m guessing that would make it ok for you so you’d stay in the affair???? Edited May 11, 2021 by Snakesalive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Meeting him tonight to tell him face to face I’m getting nothing from this now so it’s pointless he should go back to working on his marriage since his prime concern is keeping his wife happy I'd do it by text personally. Face to face comes with so many variables but I feel like that's why you're doing it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Again I think it was about hope. There is something satisfying about being the one he turns to, the one he unburdens himself to, the one who he trusts, his personal confidante. "He doesn't tell his wife his worries but he tells ME, therefore I must be very important to him" He is not seen as a whiner or a moaner, he is seen as a poor unhappy man, a man SHE can fix. "If we were together I would make him happy." Yep, she thinks she can 'save him'. I've thought that so many times in relationships. My mother used to say I collect lame ducks. Every single partner I ever had needed saving in some way, or their life sorting out. It's my ultimate red flag now and often I don't think they need the help especially in AP terms, they just want YOU to think that's what they need so you won't be able to let go of them. It's manipulation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 32 minutes ago, NYAG said: Yep, she thinks she can 'save him'. I've thought that so many times in relationships. My mother used to say I collect lame ducks. Every single partner I ever had needed saving in some way, or their life sorting out. It's my ultimate red flag now and often I don't think they need the help especially in AP terms, they just want YOU to think that's what they need so you won't be able to let go of them. It's manipulation. Jesus it’s so bad eh how people can treat people like that blatantly and say they love you Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Why not just be work buddies, since you are not getting anything out of it. Why not date real men on weekends so this clown🤡 drifts into the background? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: What do you suggest I say to him honestly? I told you yesterday. I would send him a text that says simply, “I’m very sorry, but I have decided that this is not what I want for my life anymore. I wish you all the best.” If/when you are truly done with the man, you will not need to say anything more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 39 minutes ago, NYAG said: I'd do it by text personally. Face to face comes with so many variables but I feel like that's why you're doing it. Exactly! If she is firm in her discussion, there will be no need for a “conversation.” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why not just be work buddies, since you are not getting anything out of it. Why not date real men on weekends so this clown🤡 drifts into the background? I know I really need to follow this through tonight 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: I know I really need to follow this through tonight He’s making me mega miserable hanging on and not a priority in his life Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 12 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Think it’s a bit of both if I’m completely honest. I’m hurt from his little time he thinks of me etc 30 mins time in 2 days is all I’ve got and even then it was to moan vent and then say love you kiss kiss. Then drove off to go to bed with his wife. It’s no good anymore. He’s not making an effort at all he’s not bothered about trying to spend time with me I will never be his priority so why should I make him such a priority in mine. it is par for the course. You shot your bolt, told him you were breaking up with him and then you still stuck around. He took from that, that you were going nowhere. So he deduced he can reduce his input and you will still put up with it. His aim now is to get what he wants out of you, whilst minimising the risks of getting caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: it is par for the course. You shot your bolt, told him you were breaking up with him and then you still stuck around. He took from that, that you were going nowhere. So he deduced he can reduce his input and you will still put up with it. His aim now is to get what he wants out of you, whilst minimising the risks of getting caught. Far too true!!! So I’ve failed miserably in everything I’ve done with him would never win would I? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: So I’ve failed miserably in everything I’ve done with him would never win would I? You chose the wrong battle. A man who tells you he is not ever leaving his wife, was never going to be "winnable". 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You chose the wrong battle. A man who tells you he is not ever leaving his wife, was never going to be "winnable". That’s too true 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 32 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He’s making me mega miserable hanging on and not a priority in his life Nope sorry -take responsibility-you are making you miserable . You are actively choosing to stay in this situation-you sound like a victim and you are not . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 11, 2021 Author Share Posted May 11, 2021 8 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: Nope sorry -take responsibility-you are making you miserable . You are actively choosing to stay in this situation-you sound like a victim and you are not . I know. I am the only one that can change this. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He’s making me mega miserable hanging on and not a priority in his life No. You chose to get involved and stay involved with a married man. You're making yourself miserable at this point. You're not a victim, but a volunteer. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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