Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Admit it, you want him to be nice and friendly and check you’re ok because it would prove he’s still interested.

By being awkward, he’s showing that he’s respecting your (stated) wishes to break up completely.

If he was friendly, caring and joking, the affair wouldn’t be over, would it? It would be ongoing just in a slightly different form.

 I think you broke up with him still hoping he was change his mind, and you’re annoyed he didn’t.

No I would feel better knowing he actually cared enough to be civil and nice with me I mean why is he not??? It would still be over but he seems annoyed at me and I don’t know why suppose that’s why I’m a bit pissed off 

[BaileyB]

Whether he is annoyed with you or not shouldn’t matter. 

If you are focused on your own path, what he does or does not feel/do really doesn’t matter. 

This is why it’s hard to work with an affair partner after the relationship has ended. It is a constant reminder. And, he’s damned if he does/damned if he doesn’t... You still have some work to do to let go of your emotional investment in this man and in this relationship. 

[Soak]

4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

nice with me I mean why is he not??? 

Because you have become two separate people, with your own separate interests.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Soak

[Beentheretoooften]

4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

No I would feel better knowing he actually cared enough to be civil and nice with me I mean why is he not??? It would still be over but he seems annoyed at me and I don’t know why suppose that’s why I’m a bit pissed off 

He’s annoyed because you won’t sleep with him anymore.  I think that’s quite obvious. He wants you to reach out.  However, you have us, so you will be not reaching out.  Ever.  

[Scotgirl84]

4 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

He’s annoyed because you won’t sleep with him anymore.  I think that’s quite obvious. He wants you to reach out.  However, you have us, so you will be not reaching out.  Ever.  

Thank you this really helps me reach this point 

[S2B]

There is NO reason to speak to him ever again.

he is a roadblock to a real relationship! As long as you are focused on him - you are never going to pursue a single/available guy.

it’s a gift to Yourself if you make a clean break and find someone available.

[Scotgirl84]

15 minutes ago, S2B said:

There is NO reason to speak to him ever again.

he is a roadblock to a real relationship! As long as you are focused on him - you are never going to pursue a single/available guy.

it’s a gift to Yourself if you make a clean break and find someone available.

That’s true. It will get easier

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

No I would feel better knowing he actually cared enough to be civil and nice with me I mean why is he not???

Because he doesn't actually the care the way you wanted to believe. 

[Scotgirl84]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because he doesn't actually the care the way you wanted to believe. 

That’s evident for me now

[elaine567]

 You broke up with him.
He didn't want to break up, he wanted you to carry on as normal, despite him making it clear he was not leaving his wife.
From his POV, nothing has changed so why are you making things so difficult?
He is angry and pissed off as you are not playing the game any longer. 
I guess he thinks by ignoring you and being dry he will force you to change your mind, OR he is a actually done with you.
If you are not going to accept his conditions then he probably doesn't want to engage with you. Why would he?

Few really manage to maintain a friendship after a break up, thinking he would be nice and ask how you are, was very naïve.
Splitting up was NOT his idea, he doesn't need to be nice to you.
Love can quickly turn to hate.
I hope you don't depend on him for your job...

[Beentheretoooften]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 You broke up with him.
He didn't want to break up, he wanted you to carry on as normal, despite him making it clear he was not leaving his wife.
From his POV, nothing has changed so why are you making things so difficult?
He is angry and pissed off as you are not playing the game any longer. 
I guess he thinks by ignoring you and being dry he will force you to change your mind, OR he is a actually done with you.
If you are not going to accept his conditions then he probably doesn't want to engage with you. Why would he?

Few really manage to maintain a friendship after a break up, thinking he would be nice and ask how you are, was very naïve.
Splitting up was NOT his idea, he doesn't need to be nice to you.
Love can quickly turn to hate.
I hope you don't depend on him for your job...

Maybe he is letting her go for her own benefit. It’s unlikely.  Maybe by sticking around for friendship, he knows he will further delay her recovery.   Again, not a probable scenario, but to say he hates her is quite a strong statement 

[Scotgirl84]

35 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Maybe he is letting her go for her own benefit. It’s unlikely.  Maybe by sticking around for friendship, he knows he will further delay her recovery.   Again, not a probable scenario, but to say he hates her is quite a strong statement 

He’s been nice today he apologised said he was hurt said he was really upset and couldn’t face me so I left it civil 

[vla1120]

6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

That’s true. It will get easier

 

6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

That’s evident for me now

It will get easier for you. Based on what you said, it seems he targeted you right off the bat with all the standard MM lies, telling you he's in a bad marriage, etc. I'm surprised he didn't tell you they sleep in separate bedrooms. Now, because he's no longer getting what he wants from you, he's ignoring you. Now you are free to find someone worthy of your attention who, when he tells you he loves you, will mean it and show it. You deserve that!

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He’s been nice today he apologised said he was hurt said he was really upset and couldn’t face me so I left it civil 

Well in one way that is good you don't want any bad feeling at work, BUT this may make it very easy for you to slip back into the same position you just left...

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Well in one way that is good you don't want any bad feeling at work, BUT this may make it very easy for you to slip back into the same position you just left...

Which may actually be part of his plan...

Remember OP, he is capable of playing the same games you have played this past week. He may also be feeling the same feelings you have felt - anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. 

[RebeccaR]

If you’re content to be a mistress forever, you and he can be friendly. But, if you really want to break away, stop going to his building unless absolutely necessary and avoid talking. Do you have other friends?

You cannot be friends because you will always be wanting more.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Maybe he is letting her go for her own benefit. It’s unlikely.  Maybe by sticking around for friendship, he knows he will further delay her recovery.   Again, not a probable scenario, but to say he hates her is quite a strong statement 

I didn't say he hates her but after a break up, then love can easily turn to hate, especially in the person who did not initiate the break up.
Fear, anger, frustration can easily turn to hate, once they realise the situation is hopeless...
Hating the other is often used as a tool to get over a break up.

[Naivewomen]

2 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Maybe he is letting her go for her own benefit. It’s unlikely.  Maybe by sticking around for friendship, he knows he will further delay her recovery.   Again, not a probable scenario, but to say he hates her is quite a strong statement 

I agree with you! He has no reason to hate her. He's probably angry that she will not play along with his rules! The AP always remains quiet in fear that they will run! Let him run now, he wasn't grateful nor respected your emotional attachment. He's no bargain!

Please do not make any efforts to speak with him anymore. You will remain on the Rollercoaster that everyone here talks about. You will never be free, nor confident in this type of relationship. Please please find your worth!! He doesn't value YOU!

[jah526]

On 5/12/2021 at 3:47 PM, BaileyB said:

This is why it’s hard to work with an affair partner after the relationship has ended. It is a constant reminder. 

Yep. I’ve been anxious about going back to the office because I put a lot of energy into avoiding him. For almost 3 years I did that. But now I don’t have to anymore, because by some miracle I found another job. It’s a little bittersweet, to be honest. I liked knowing he was still there.

I’m starting to think any kind of close relationship is bad at work, because when these things go south, there is no way of avoiding that person without a great deal of effort. Goes triple for workplace affairs.

[S2B]

So learn moving forward. ANY married man sharing personal info with you about his marriage is grooming you for his affair partner.

when you are at work - do the work you are hired to do. Keep any personal info/exchanges brief - have that boundary that doesn’t set yourself up to be primed for another affair.

seek out single/available men to date.

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, jah526 said:

Yep. I’ve been anxious about going back to the office because I put a lot of energy into avoiding him. For almost 3 years I did that. But now I don’t have to anymore, because by some miracle I found another job. It’s a little bittersweet, to be honest. I liked knowing he was still there.

I’m starting to think any kind of close relationship is bad at work, because when these things go south, there is no way of avoiding that person without a great deal of effort. Goes triple for workplace affairs.

Congrats on the new job , new chapter for you . Having him around would always have been a constant reminder for you and increase the potential stress:heartache that comes from being in  this kind of relationship . 

[NYAG]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

So learn moving forward. ANY married man sharing personal info with you about his marriage is grooming you for his affair partner.

when you are at work - do the work you are hired to do. Keep any personal info/exchanges brief - have that boundary that doesn’t set yourself up to be primed for another affair.

seek out single/available men to date.

My experience is that any man you date who has a relationship history married or separated will share info with you about their past. They'll tell you about their kids, their break up, their current relationship status, how they feel about her, they'll show you photos. You think you are special because he's sharing it only with you, but they all do it. Why they do it I'm not sure. Some are probably grooming you. Those that are truly separated might just be lonely and want to talk. 

[elaine567]

 

37 minutes ago, NYAG said:

My experience is that any man you date who has a relationship history married or separated will share info with you about their past. They'll tell you about their kids, their break up, their current relationship status, how they feel about her, they'll show you photos. You think you are special because he's sharing it only with you, but they all do it. Why they do it I'm not sure. Some are probably grooming you. Those that are truly separated might just be lonely and want to talk. 

At work a guy who tells you about his life and his marriage and kids may be innocently doing so, but usually the difference is when he starts telling you the issues he has with his wife, or the issues she has or how unhappily married he is. That is where the line is often crossed.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

At work a guy who tells you about his life and his marriage and kids may be innocently doing so, but usually the difference is when he starts telling you the issues he has with his wife, or the issues she has or how unhappily married he is. That is where the line is often crossed.

Indeed, I sat beside a lovely man for years and I knew much about his life - I had met his wife,I knew about his parents illness, he told me stories about his children - I would say we were good friends and we did support each other through some difficult life events (like the death of both of our parents). I did not, however, know anything about his marriage until he filed for divorce. Did not even know they were having difficulty. There was always a boundary... 

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

At work a guy who tells you about his life and his marriage and kids may be innocently doing so, but usually the difference is when he starts telling you the issues he has with his wife, or the issues she has or how unhappily married he is. That is where the line is often crossed.

Exactly! It's when they start telling you "My wife does not understand me....we have slept in separate rooms for xxx amount of time....there is no romance in our relationship anymore....my wife is a b#@ch..." You could write a script of the most common remarks MMen make when they are trying to groom someone for an affair.