Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Translation: What I really want is to spend time with my wife, but you'll do. 

 

Well I thought that too so if his wife was wanting to spend time with him then I’d be dumped that sounds like it eh? 

[Scotgirl84]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly, they both have their motivations for doing exactly what they are doing. You have to ask yourself OP why she is withdrawn (and the fault may not be with her, perhaps she is tired of her whiny, attention seeking, conflict avoidant, cheating partner), and you have to ask yourself why you stay with a man who complains to you that his wife doesn’t have time for him…

This is very very true so I’ve picked him over my oh but he’s picking me cos she’s no picking him 

[Scotgirl84]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Translation: What I really want is to spend time with my wife, but you'll do. 

 

But then again she’s asked him to go places recently and overnighter and he’s refusing he’s not spending any time with her at all he said 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

But then again she’s asked him to go places recently and overnighter and he’s refusing he’s not spending any time with her at all he said 

He says a lot of things. It doesn't make them true. 

Scotgirl, you are being willfully blind. Again. 

 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

But then again she’s asked him to go places recently and overnighter and he’s refusing he’s not spending any time with her at all he said 

He won’t actually leave her though, that is the problem.

They are apparently (if you believe what he says) going to wait each other out - neither fully engaged in the relationship but neither willing to pull the trigger. And there you sit… waiting for them to decide if they want to stay together or not. This could continue for years OP - how long are you prepared to wait for the two of them to make the decision that determines your future? 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

He won’t actually leave her though, that is the problem.

They are apparently (if you believe what he says) going to wait each other out - neither fully engaged in the relationship but neither willing to pull the trigger. And there you sit… waiting for them to decide if they want to stay together or not. This could continue for years OP - how long are you prepared to wait for the two of them to make the decision that determines your future? 

I know honestly I do. Spent an amazing few days with him and now feel so much more in love and he does too but nothings changing 

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know honestly I do. Spent an amazing few days with him and now feel so much more in love and he does too but nothings changing 

If he feels the same - there is nothing stopping him! He can pack his stuff and visit a lawyer tomorrow… 

Its one thing to have an “amazing” weekend with someone and to get caught up in the feelings and another thing entirely to chose to be with that person and so what is required to make that happen.

Honestly Scot, the “amazing weekend” would make me even more depressed and pissed off than I already felt because if he felt the same, he would make a grown up decision and creat the life that HE wants for himself with you. The fact that he doesn’t is very telling. Why you tolerate this is beyond me - sure the high is good, but have you not absolutely crashed this week knowing that there is absolutely nothing keeping you apart - except for this man who tells you that he loves you and then does NOTHING but perhaps book a hotel room for a weekend getaway to make that happen! 

Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[NYAG]

19 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

This alone would be a major turnoff for most, or let’s say, for me in particular (I don’t want to generalize), as I would ask myself immediately this: “If she had more time for him, would he be happier with her? Is that what he really wants? Am I just the “gap filler” here?” - in other words: he wants to be with her more, but she won’t. He wouldn’t be with me if she chose to spend her time differently. It’s all in her hands, not in his, and certainly not in yours, OP. Major turnoff. Not a statement any mistress wants to hear. 

Yep. Any MM who openly verbally resents his wife and slates her in front of you is a definite no no. You don't need to hear that. That is not your problem. 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

This is very very true so I’ve picked him over my oh but he’s picking me cos she’s no picking him 

Why do you want a man who is not picking you as his first choice?
Why are you volunteering for this disrespect?
Yes, you may get him if she kicks him out, but you will still be #2, not #1.
I don't get it.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Why do you want a man who is not picking you as his first choice?

That’s no great love story… That’s a weak, conflict avoidant man at best and you are his back up plan at worst. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

Yep. Any MM who openly verbally resents his wife and slates her in front of you is a definite no no. You don't need to hear that. That is not your problem. 

That was my rule when I was dating - if I dated a man who spoke badly about his ex-girlfriend/wife that was a pass. I want a man who is not focused on another person/available to date me. I want a man who takes responsibility/does not blame someone else for their problems. But mostly, I want a man who is kind and respectful and treats a woman well - and one way to know this is to attend to how they talk about/treat their ex. This guy is lying to her and deceiving her, he complains about her, he blame shifts, but despite it all - he stays. 

Edited June 30, 2021 by BaileyB

[mimic2021]

I am just shaking my head at this story. He’s highly unavailable, strings you along for his own benefit, offers you nothing than empty words, is clearly highly interested in keeping the status quo with his marriage (most likely still loves his wife very dearly) and worst of it all - he knows very well how infatuated you are with him and STILL uses you.

Most, if not all the commenters here, offered you advice, most of us have been through the same thing, and you still change nothing. You are the one in power. You can end this and move on to someone that is available to you, chooses you and treats you with respect and kindness.

This man very clearly only cares about himself. Don’t listen to all the noise he makes - it will never change. And at this point I am just confused why all of us still keep this conversation here going? It goes nowhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s the same situation in a year - if he hasn’t got sick of you or found someone else that will ACTUALLY make him leave his wife and find his happiness. It ain’t you.

That‘s tough to hear. I know. But at this point I feel like you’re chasing validation and admiration from a man that has shown you over and over that he simply doesn’t care enough about you. If he wanted to leave his wife he would’ve. He didn’t, so it’s time to move on. I just can’t fathom how you can admire a man like this - I feel like it’s not your love for this man but your ego. Nothing about this man sounds good?

[NYAG]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That was my rule when I was dating - if I dated a man who spoke badly about his ex-girlfriend/wife that was a pass. I want a man who is not focused on another person/available to date me. I want a man who takes responsibility/does not blame someone else for their problems. But mostly, I want a man who is kind and respectful and treats a woman well - and one way to know this is to attend to how they talk about/treat their ex. This guy is lying to her and deceiving her, he complains about her, he blame shifts, but despite it all - he stays. 

And of course blame shifting means he is the victim not the perpetrator and doesn't have anything to answer for. He is manipulating others behaviour (in his eyes) to suit his own narrative, which is that none of this could possibly be his fault. By focusing the attention on the other party he is deflecting. and taking no responsibility for his actions

[Snakesalive]

21 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know honestly I do. Spent an amazing few days with him and now feel so much more in love and he does too but nothings changing 

Definition of insanity: do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. 
nothing is changing because there’s no real motivation for him to change anything in this scenario -he’s loving the attention, he’s giving you crumbs -a couple of days together with you compared to  a life with her -the ratio of his time with you is minute but it seems enough to keep you hooked 

[mark clemson]

Scotgirl you are an adult and will make your own decisions about who to bed and/or let into your life.

FWIW, it sounds to me like the answer to some of the apparent paradoxes here is perhaps that you (somewhat understandably) feel insecure about being on your own while you divorce your husband. So, this relationship gives you "someone" there emotionally for you while you undergo this.

He may or may not leave. I think it's important though to "take a step back" and become self-aware as to why you are with this guy. If you really want to wait around to see if he leaves, you can. It's not something to put money on, but you never know.

HOWEVER, I also think it's important to a) become emotionally "self-sufficient" so that you feel reasonably secure on your own and b) be ready/willing to "cut bait" on this affair when you feel it makes sense to, particularly if you hit diminishing returns in the relationship. I think for you, accomplishing (a) will make it easier to do (b) if/when you decide that makes sense.

There are those who are apparently genuinely happy in an OW role. However I think most prefer someone they can "have fully" - and that is of course unlikely here.

Edited June 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[Scotgirl84]

On 6/30/2021 at 5:25 PM, mark clemson said:

Scotgirl you are an adult and will make your own decisions about who to bed and/or let into your life.

FWIW, it sounds to me like the answer to some of the apparent paradoxes here is perhaps that you (somewhat understandably) feel insecure about being on your own while you divorce your husband. So, this relationship gives you "someone" there emotionally for you while you undergo this.

He may or may not leave. I think it's important though to "take a step back" and become self-aware as to why you are with this guy. If you really want to wait around to see if he leaves, you can. It's not something to put money on, but you never know.

HOWEVER, I also think it's important to a) become emotionally "self-sufficient" so that you feel reasonably secure on your own and b) be ready/willing to "cut bait" on this affair when you feel it makes sense to, particularly if you hit diminishing returns in the relationship. I think for you, accomplishing (a) will make it easier to do (b) if/when you decide that makes sense.

There are those who are apparently genuinely happy in an OW role. However I think most prefer someone they can "have fully" - and that is of course unlikely here.

This is very true. I need to focus on myself and my children more and my ode without him because if he wants to leave he needs to make that decision himself 

[Scotgirl84]

On 5/31/2021 at 10:20 AM, Snakesalive said:

This sounded so much like me 6 months ago . While I don’t know your exact situation I think it’s universally always true that affairs  cloud our perception of reality . At the time I though  My affair gave me exactly the things that were missing from my relationship and there is absolutely no one that would have me think differently-it wouldn’t have mattered what they said or who said it -I believed 100% that my marriage was over and my affair partner was who I was meant to be with -that was who I wanted to be with forever.  Honestly it’s only when you’re truly out of the affair that you will be in a place to truly  evaluate and decide on what’s right fir you -it’s only then you’ll really consider the impact Of your decisions on your kids lives and yours in the longer term. Maybe a long term relationship with your OM will work -You know the chances are high but putting that to one side -all I would say is you’re in no place to make big decisions about moving house right now -something that will undoubtedly impact hugely on your kids . 
just stop and think -take some time don’t be rushed into selling your house it’s a massive step and don’t let the momentum of the affair push you into moving either -slow things down and do it at a pace that won’t see you jumping around and rushing into anything. Maybe the relationship with your partner is over fir good but see it fir what it is /was and don’t compare it to what you have with you AP that’s just unfair and unrealistic 

This makes so much sense. What happened with your mm and affair? Did you leave your husband? 

[Scotgirl84]

On 6/30/2021 at 5:25 PM, mark clemson said:

Scotgirl you are an adult and will make your own decisions about who to bed and/or let into your life.

FWIW, it sounds to me like the answer to some of the apparent paradoxes here is perhaps that you (somewhat understandably) feel insecure about being on your own while you divorce your husband. So, this relationship gives you "someone" there emotionally for you while you undergo this.

He may or may not leave. I think it's important though to "take a step back" and become self-aware as to why you are with this guy. If you really want to wait around to see if he leaves, you can. It's not something to put money on, but you never know.

HOWEVER, I also think it's important to a) become emotionally "self-sufficient" so that you feel reasonably secure on your own and b) be ready/willing to "cut bait" on this affair when you feel it makes sense to, particularly if you hit diminishing returns in the relationship. I think for you, accomplishing (a) will make it easier to do (b) if/when you decide that makes sense.

There are those who are apparently genuinely happy in an OW role. However I think most prefer someone they can "have fully" - and that is of course unlikely here.

Also he said if he has the chat with her saying what we doing here we are both not happy she will just say she is happy and ask him to spend time with her and he said that’s not what he wants. He is trying to avoid her completely in the hope that she tells him to leave 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Also he said if he has the chat with her saying what we doing here we are both not happy she will just say she is happy and ask him to spend time with her and he said that’s not what he wants. He is trying to avoid her completely in the hope that she tells him to leave 

Why is it such a problem for him to say - “I’m not happy and I don’t think this is working anymore. I want to separate?” 

Either he does not want to separate or he has no ability to assert himself in a relationship. Is this really someone that you want in your life? If he wanted to be with you, there is NOTHING stopping him. People breakup and end relationships/marriage every.single.day. What is he apparently not capable/not choosing to do this - you REALLY have to ask yourself this question. And how long are you willing to wait for the two of them to make this decision…

[S2B]

On 6/29/2021 at 9:18 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

This is very very true so I’ve picked him over my oh but he’s picking me cos she’s no picking him 

This isn’t true.

he’s chosen both women to serve his needs.

he’s actively involved with two women and he won’t change a thing because he likes having two women to serve all his needs.

Don’t believe the crap he says about her either… MM lie all the time to their OW to keep them in the hook.

 

if he wants out - and he isn’t taking action to get out - he’s a coward for not doing it. I don’t understand how you can admire a blatant coward!

Edited July 3, 2021 by S2B

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Also he said if he has the chat with her saying what we doing here we are both not happy she will just say she is happy and ask him to spend time with her and he said that’s not what he wants. He is trying to avoid her completely in the hope that she tells him to leave 

Well, don't pin your hopes on this too much. People can waffle a lot when leaving a relationship and I suspect he is somewhat co-dependent on her (and possibly vice-versa). The opera isn't over till he actually leaves her, and even then it's not necessarily over, as sometimes people get back together or simply stay single for a while. Do what you think is best, but I suggest not counting your chickens until they're fully hatched in this situation.

[Seliana]

On 6/28/2021 at 5:42 PM, Scotgirl84 said:

Update…still seeing him although we’ve grown so so closer he said he resents her and her lack of time for him and is doing everything possible to come see me every minute he gets. 

You're a sucker for punishment, aren't you? 

Why do you think this is the best you deserve from a man?

I had to go back to the first page to see how old you both are, b/c quite frankly you sound like a teenager and not an adult woman with her own agency in life. Even if he gets his 51 y/o ass up and leave his marriage for you, what do you see in him??

The man is a weasel. He's conflict-avoidant, selfish, immature at 51! That's is not attractive, and wouldn't not light a fire in my pants. Think about it, the man is waiting for his wife to make all decisions for him, and is reacting in childish ways. He sounds like a booby prize.

Surely any man you pick up on the side of the road will be better than this?

[mimic2021]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Well, don't pin your hopes on this too much. People can waffle a lot when leaving a relationship and I suspect he is somewhat co-dependent on her (and possibly vice-versa). The opera isn't over till he actually leaves her, and even then it's not necessarily over, as sometimes people get back together or simply stay single for a while. Do what you think is best, but I suggest not counting your chickens until they're fully hatched in this situation.

I wholeheartedly agree with Mark. Even in the event that he leaves his wife it's highly unlikely that your "Happily Ever After" begins. 

[Scotgirl84]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Why is it such a problem for him to say - “I’m not happy and I don’t think this is working anymore. I want to separate?” 

Either he does not want to separate or he has no ability to assert himself in a relationship. Is this really someone that you want in your life? If he wanted to be with you, there is NOTHING stopping him. People breakup and end relationships/marriage every.single.day. What is he apparently not capable/not choosing to do this - you REALLY have to ask yourself this question. And how long are you willing to wait for the two of them to make this decision…

This comment hit home. You are so right. I should read this to him and walk away 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, Seliana said:

You're a sucker for punishment, aren't you? 

Why do you think this is the best you deserve from a man?

I had to go back to the first page to see how old you both are, b/c quite frankly you sound like a teenager and not an adult woman with her own agency in life. Even if he gets his 51 y/o ass up and leave his marriage for you, what do you see in him??

The man is a weasel. He's conflict-avoidant, selfish, immature at 51! That's is not attractive, and wouldn't not light a fire in my pants. Think about it, the man is waiting for his wife to make all decisions for him, and is reacting in childish ways. He sounds like a booby prize.

Surely any man you pick up on the side of the road will be better than this?

You are right. Think the thing that’s passing me off more now is the fact he’s still sleeping in the same bed as her night after night even though he said there’s nothing between them! He must be a very very good liar and manipulator cos I believe everything he is telling me!