BaileyB Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: You are right. Think the thing that’s passing me off more now is the fact he’s still sleeping in the same bed as her night after night even though he said there’s nothing between them! He must be a very very good liar and manipulator cos I believe everything he is telling me! To be fair, he hasn’t lied to you or manipulated you very much… you have signed on for this, knowing full well that he has no plan to separate/divorce (unless she choses to do so). Sure - he gave you the standard married man excuses, but you have known for a while now that the things he has said are not true. He has also been very clear with you that he has no plan to leave. So, how exactly has he manipulated you into staying? Kindly Scot, you can’t really blame this man for your decision to stay in this affair… Edited July 4, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 11 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He must be a very very good liar and manipulator cos I believe everything he is telling me! Not really. It's just very easy to lie to someone when they desperately want the lies to be true. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 14 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He must be a very very good liar and manipulator. Exactly. That's what cheaters are all about. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 4, 2021 Share Posted July 4, 2021 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Not really. It's just very easy to lie to someone when they desperately want the lies to be true. He's the emotional equivalent of a used car salesman. "What can I say to get you into this car right now?" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lulu_crazygal Posted July 5, 2021 Share Posted July 5, 2021 On 7/4/2021 at 8:36 AM, BaileyB said: To be fair, he hasn’t lied to you or manipulated you very much… you have signed on for this, knowing full well that he has no plan to separate/divorce (unless she choses to do so). Sure - he gave you the standard married man excuses, but you have known for a while now that the things he has said are not true. He has also been very clear with you that he has no plan to leave. So, how exactly has he manipulated you into staying? Kindly Scot, you can’t really blame this man for your decision to stay in this affair… Exactly this. @Scotgirl84 I completely hear you and understand you. I have been through this exact same back and forth (but mine was a divorced guy). Having been recently divorced like 6 months, he could not decide if he wanted a new relationship but he liked the attention, the companionship and the sex. But he wasn’t willing to invest in me as much as I was in him. Take some time apart. I thought I couldn’t do it but really give it a try. Just go on NC. Take it one day at a time. Join a break up group. Have an accountability buddy. I have a best friend who is mine. Every time I wanna text him, I text her instead. Because the truth is, you know how this story will end. You’ve seen it before. Hope is a dangerous thing. Take it and tear it apart. Stop pining for a guy who is old enough to know what he wants and what he wants is NOT you. Don’t mean to be harsh but my dear, you need to face up to it. Also, even if he gets divorced, he won’t jump from his marriage to you. You’ll be his transition girl or his standby while he enjoys single life. He has been married for so long. Once (if) he gets divorced, he will want to play the field and sow his oats. You are NOT special. Sorry to burst your bubble. Neither is he. Your situation is not unique. Ultimately, all that matters are these things 1. Do you want a commitment? 2. If yes, is he able to do so? 3. If he can’t, are you ok with being a mistress for the rest of your life? 4. If yes, then ok no one here is judging you. Stay for as long as you want but do not be unhappy about it or blame him because it is NOT his fault. He showed his hands and you accepted those cards. 5. If no, then use your walking power and walk away. If you truly mean something to him, that will jolt him out and he will come after you. If not, he won’t and it is better to know this now than later. Remember this, he has a mouth and he will use it if he feels like he’s losing you and you really mean something to him. By staying, you aren’t doing yourself any favour. You are literally saying I hate that you are married and I want you to leave but I’m ok to wait here and be a doormat while you decide. It’s ok if you never leave because I will stay here forever until I prove to you how amazing I am. Why? Are you NOT amazing enough as it is? Why do you need to prove to him? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seliana Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 On 7/3/2021 at 5:22 PM, Scotgirl84 said: You are right. Think the thing that’s passing me off more now is the fact he’s still sleeping in the same bed as her night after night even though he said there’s nothing between them! He must be a very very good liar and manipulator cos I believe everything he is telling me! Look, I'm genuinely asking because I don't understand what is attractive about a man who lies, cheats and brings so much unhappiness to your life. He keeps choosing himself, not his wife, not you. Don't you deserve better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mimic2021 Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 @lulu_crazygalWhat a thoughtful and well-balanced answer. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through but between the lines I can read about the strength and self-esteem that you've developed after overcoming your situation. I feel like these experiences are stepping stones into exceptional growth because in a sense they tear us apart and break parts in us that we then have to collect and stitch together again. I sincerely wish you all the best on your journey, Lulu. @Scotgirl84Please read what Lulu is writing about. These are some tough truths to accept. Just as she says, your individual situation isn't exceptional. Read about what she has been through and what she had to understand to overcome this situation. Again, the tough love we all are giving you is more about us encouraging you to tap into your inner growth and self-esteem. You are worthy of love, of admiration and respect. You deserve all of that and more. But love makes us blind. We've all been there. You are just searching for love in a place where there is no love and respect for you. This guy simply is not good for you. As I mentioned towards Lulu - these are great opportunities for growth. Whichever path you take, I am confident that you will learn and grow a lot. The best case scenario is that one day soon you comment under a post of someone else that is in a similar situation just as you are right now. And you can offer support and wisdom, because you've experienced that this situation is just not sustainable. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lulu_crazygal Posted July 7, 2021 Share Posted July 7, 2021 On 7/6/2021 at 7:38 PM, mimic2021 said: @lulu_crazygalWhat a thoughtful and well-balanced answer. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through but between the lines I can read about the strength and self-esteem that you've developed after overcoming your situation. I feel like these experiences are stepping stones into exceptional growth because in a sense they tear us apart and break parts in us that we then have to collect and stitch together again. I sincerely wish you all the best on your journey, Lulu. @Scotgirl84Please read what Lulu is writing about. These are some tough truths to accept. Just as she says, your individual situation isn't exceptional. Read about what she has been through and what she had to understand to overcome this situation. Again, the tough love we all are giving you is more about us encouraging you to tap into your inner growth and self-esteem. You are worthy of love, of admiration and respect. You deserve all of that and more. But love makes us blind. We've all been there. You are just searching for love in a place where there is no love and respect for you. This guy simply is not good for you. As I mentioned towards Lulu - these are great opportunities for growth. Whichever path you take, I am confident that you will learn and grow a lot. The best case scenario is that one day soon you comment under a post of someone else that is in a similar situation just as you are right now. And you can offer support and wisdom, because you've experienced that this situation is just not sustainable. Thank you, mimic! I must say it is really tough to make the decision to walk away. I am now in 3 weeks NC. He has been reaching out, breadcrumbs really, to ask about my cat etc. To his benefit, he has not once said that he wants me to wait for him. In fact, he outrightly said he is not sure what he wants and he knows he is in limbo and needs the space and time to think. That’s all fair and I respect that. It’s not what I want but I don’t play ultimatums. I don’t like forcing people’s hands. So I just told him ok, thanks for telling me that. I like you and I respect you need your space so I’m just gonna go. And leave it as that. Am I holding out for him? Yea sure, I am obviously hoping he will come back. But have I put my life on hold for him? No. Life goes on. Whether he comes back or not is his choice not mine. And I only have one card left to play - my walking power to keep my dignity and self respect. Because that means more to me than any guy. I guess I just love myself too much. I know I am amazing. Yea he’s amazing too but he’s not the only guy. There are 7 billion people. Also, maybe your happy ending isn’t with a guy. Maybe your happy ending is finding and loving who you are. Because we are all gonna die one day. It’s a fact we can’t escape from and the only person who will 100% be with us on our death bed is ourselves. So love yourself. Put yourself first. That’s really all you have. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 On 7/6/2021 at 12:38 PM, mimic2021 said: @lulu_crazygalWhat a thoughtful and well-balanced answer. I am sorry to hear about what you have been through but between the lines I can read about the strength and self-esteem that you've developed after overcoming your situation. I feel like these experiences are stepping stones into exceptional growth because in a sense they tear us apart and break parts in us that we then have to collect and stitch together again. I sincerely wish you all the best on your journey, Lulu. @Scotgirl84Please read what Lulu is writing about. These are some tough truths to accept. Just as she says, your individual situation isn't exceptional. Read about what she has been through and what she had to understand to overcome this situation. Again, the tough love we all are giving you is more about us encouraging you to tap into your inner growth and self-esteem. You are worthy of love, of admiration and respect. You deserve all of that and more. But love makes us blind. We've all been there. You are just searching for love in a place where there is no love and respect for you. This guy simply is not good for you. As I mentioned towards Lulu - these are great opportunities for growth. Whichever path you take, I am confident that you will learn and grow a lot. The best case scenario is that one day soon you comment under a post of someone else that is in a similar situation just as you are right now. And you can offer support and wisdom, because you've experienced that this situation is just not sustainable. So had a breakdown cried to him said I can’t deal with it anymore and he needs to sort it out. He said he wants to leave and is going to have the convo with her to see what they are going to do he said he will move out to his mums. He says he can’t live a lie and things will never change asked me to give him a couple of weeks Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 In other words, you manipulated him into *potentially* making a decision. 23 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He said he wants to leave and is going to have the convo with her to see what they are going to do he said he will move out to his mums. A decisive man would say “I’m sorry, I don’t want this anymore. I’m going to move to my mom’s and I will file for divorce.” He said, I want to leave, I’ll talk to her and we will see what we are going to do, and I’ll let you know. I don’t know that anything has really changed. Now you wait, to see if he follows through… and if he does, it’s not a guarantee that he will not go back. And if he chooses to be with you, what kind of man have you got? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 55 minutes ago, BaileyB said: In other words, you manipulated him into *potentially* making a decision. A decisive man would say “I’m sorry, I don’t want this anymore. I’m going to move to my mom’s and I will file for divorce.” He said, I want to leave, I’ll talk to her and we will see what we are going to do, and I’ll let you know. I don’t know that anything has really changed. Now you wait, to see if he follows through… and if he does, it’s not a guarantee that he will not go back. And if he chooses to be with you, what kind of man have you got? I told him I love him and want a future with him but I can’t be left hanging on a strand until his wife decides she doesn’t want him anymore and basically that’s what I’m doing. He said he knows he needs to have this convo with her cos they both aren’t happy! But I agree he still isn’t being honest and saying I want to leave we are getting a divorce. Suppose I’ve been scared I’m pushing him too much but tbh it’s coming up on 20 months now and we are still in this situation Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: it’s coming up on 20 months now and we are still in this situation Your option is to leave if you aren’t happy. Sincerely, how successful do you think this relationship will be long term if it starts with an ultimatum - Not saying that you are wrong to tell him you are tired of waiting. But, you can’t force him to leave his marriage. If you do, it is likely to cause resentment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 36 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Your option is to leave if you aren’t happy. Sincerely, how successful do you think this relationship will be long term if it starts with an ultimatum - Not saying that you are wrong to tell him you are tired of waiting. But, you can’t force him to leave his marriage. If you do, it is likely to cause resentment. I know that’s so true. I’ve no actually said that I said he needs to sort out what he’s doing and do what makes him happy whether I’m there or not. He agreed said he can’t go on like this. I said I’d be here I love him and would in time when it’s right make a go of it with him Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 You started this thread in effect with an ultimatum. You broke up with him in the vain hope he would leave his wife. He didn't leave, he did nothing and you slotted yourself back in again. Now you again want him to choose you, but why would he?.. He knows you love him, he knows you don't want to leave him I guess he is going nowhere.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You started this thread in effect with an ultimatum. You broke up with him in the vain hope he would leave his wife. He didn't leave, he did nothing and you slotted yourself back in again. Now you again want him to choose you, but why would he?.. He knows you love him, he knows you don't want to leave him I guess he is going nowhere.. Absolutely. And then she got back together with the plan that it would be only sex. And then, she decided that she couldn’t do just that so they truly were back on and spent a weekend together. And now, more tears and I can’t do this… If I was this man, I would probably just wait for a while because things are likely to change again. You may well change your mind and decide you can’t let him go, you will find a way to settle… that’s where this is going. Neither one of you seem to have the determination to make a decision to end this rollercoaster and get off the ride! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 The thing about fleeing to his mother's house is that by doing that, he is burning no boats. He can thus always saunter home again to his wife, with little damage done to his marriage. I would set no great store on him going to stay with his mother, if he ever even accomplishes that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: The thing about fleeing to his mother's house is that by doing that, he is burning no boats. He can thus always saunter home again to his wife, with little damage done to his marriage. I would set no great store on him going to stay with his mother, if he ever even accomplishes that... What do you suggest he does though come clean and tell her he’s in love with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Absolutely. And then she got back together with the plan that it would be only sex. And then, she decided that she couldn’t do just that so they truly were back on and spent a weekend together. And now, more tears and I can’t do this… If I was this man, I would probably just wait for a while because things are likely to change again. You may well change your mind and decide you can’t let him go, you will find a way to settle… that’s where this is going. Neither one of you seem to have the determination to make a decision to end this rollercoaster and get off the ride! What if he’s actually genuine??? And stuck in a rut cos I believe he is Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: The thing about fleeing to his mother's house is that by doing that, he is burning no boats. He can thus always saunter home again to his wife, with little damage done to his marriage. I would set no great store on him going to stay with his mother, if he ever even accomplishes that... He’s lived an unhappy marriage as people do he’s met me and knows what a relationship can be like now he’s stuck cos he doesn’t want to lose me but he’s terrified to take the leap and walk from the marriage cos the destruction he will leave behind. Got to cut him some slack surely Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 8 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: he’s met me and knows what a relationship can be like now he’s stuck cos he doesn’t want to lose me but he’s terrified to take the leap and walk from the marriage cos the destruction he will leave behind Yes, but he only knows your relationship as it is in its current state. You haven't lived together, paid bills together, raised children together, been through family crises together. Right now, you are an "oasis", so to speak. The added stressed of everyday life could completely change your relationship. I think it is human nature to stay with what is familiar. (Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Just replace "devil" with "life".) 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 46 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Yes, but he only knows your relationship as it is in its current state. You haven't lived together, paid bills together, raised children together, been through family crises together. Right now, you are an "oasis", so to speak. The added stressed of everyday life could completely change your relationship. I think it is human nature to stay with what is familiar. (Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Just replace "devil" with "life".) So no one thinks he’s genuine? So what should I do just walk away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 8, 2021 Author Share Posted July 8, 2021 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: Yes, but he only knows your relationship as it is in its current state. You haven't lived together, paid bills together, raised children together, been through family crises together. Right now, you are an "oasis", so to speak. The added stressed of everyday life could completely change your relationship. I think it is human nature to stay with what is familiar. (Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know. Just replace "devil" with "life".) Even if the life you are livin in makes you miserable??? And you could be happier living a different life Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 8, 2021 Share Posted July 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: So no one thinks he’s genuine? So what should I do just walk away? No one would actually know this with certainly. Possibly not even him. I think what folks are saying is the odds aren't particularly good, which is probably accurate. He seems like the type who has a hard time detaching himself from a relationship, which is probably why he still in one that is (apparently) so bad. To be fair it IS difficult to leave one, especially a marriage, as you yourself know. It's not crazy to wait and hope, but you might want to give him a timeline, possibly a generous one, such as 3-4 months. IF you do that suggest you stick to it. If you really want this guy, it's probably wise to consider making it easier for him to leave, rather than harder. But you also have to look out for yourself at some point. There is also the question of whether you are jumping from one dysfunctional relationship right into another one, which is something I think you should strongly consider and think about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, mark clemson said: you might want to give him a timeline It’s been 20 months and he is still sleeping beside his wife. Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 5 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He’s lived an unhappy marriage as people do he’s met me and knows what a relationship can be like now he’s stuck cos he doesn’t want to lose me but he’s terrified to take the leap and walk from the marriage cos the destruction he will leave behind. Got to cut him some slack surely Healthy people don’t get themselves into situations like this - stuck between a rock and a hard place. And healthy relationships don’t start like this… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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