ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it Your affair isn’t what a relationship “should” be like, though. In other words, you have no idea how you two would function in a real relationship. You only know how you function in an affair. There’s a reason most affairs don’t survive the transition to a relationship. But anyway, that is irrelevant for you because he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That is the bottom line. He wants his “miserable” life and the reasons are not important. He’s still choosing her and not you. And you’re still playing games hoping it will make him choose you. You have no reason to be angry at him anymore. You should be angry with yourself for continuing to choose this. Edited July 20, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 20 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it Respectfully I think you want this to be true . The reality is people in affairs see their own situation differently-their lives seem miserable because they’re experiencing the highs and euphoria an affair gives us -real life can’t compete with that . Believe me from experience my issues with my husband seemed insurmountable , I put my ap on a pedestal he didn’t deserve my husband could never match up . It’s only realise I was not good enough for myself or my husband or my kids -I let them us all down badly with the way I behaved . I’m grateful for another opportunity and learning -you will too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Share Posted July 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Snakesalive said: Respectfully I think you want this to be true . The reality is people in affairs see their own situation differently-their lives seem miserable because they’re experiencing the highs and euphoria an affair gives us -real life can’t compete with that . Believe me from experience my issues with my husband seemed insurmountable , I put my ap on a pedestal he didn’t deserve my husband could never match up . It’s only realise I was not good enough for myself or my husband or my kids -I let them us all down badly with the way I behaved . I’m grateful for another opportunity and learning -you will too Yeah but it’s over with my husband was a long time before om came along. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 9 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Yeah but it’s over with my husband was a long time before om came along. I guess I was thinking more from OP point of view . He led you to believe everything about his life was unhappy right? But the cold hard facts are sometimes either or both affair partners exaggerate their unhappiness because it suits our purpose . I know this is really early days for you and you’re doing well but be careful you don’t start idealising or romanticising the situation . He told you he was unhappy but he stayed -the reasons really don’t matter -he stayed . Keep repeating it over and over. Don’t make this about him -you’ve spent enough energy there . Make this about your growth, your healing and your journey to better things for you and your children. when you feel yourself starting to dwell do whatever it takes to distract yourself. The road you’re on won’t be easy but it will be worth it as someone said -take it a minute an hour a day at a time your situation with your husband sounds very different to mine and that’s fine we’re all on a different path . It felt right for me to reconcile after a while of being apart and therapy separately and together . Ultimately I used the time to focus on ME and reconciling was the right move for ME. Please use this time to focus on YOU , I know you can . Xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: It is. But he’s choosing to live it cos he’s conflict avoidant and said he’s got a misplaced loyalty to stay Whether it’s misplaced or not that’s what he’s chosen . You aren’t responsible for his choices only yours . If he genuinely believes he has misplaced loyalty that’s for him to reconcile , if he is conflict avoidant ( and agree his behaviour would suggest it ) again that’s his responsibility and for him to live with . You don’t need to understand or make sense of his behaviour you just need to accept it . Acceptance is a big part of the journey and process you’re on and you’ll get there just give it time 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 5 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know I’ve been blinded by love thought I was special to him. Unfortunately being in the throes of your divorce is making this all quite confusing and may cloud your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Share Posted July 20, 2021 17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately being in the throes of your divorce is making this all quite confusing and may cloud your feelings. Definitely my house going on the market in next two weeks time to move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted July 20, 2021 Author Share Posted July 20, 2021 16 hours ago, Bittersweetie said: In the aftermath of my d-day, I left xMM a voicemail asking him to never contact me again. I can still hear the raw pain in my voice during that message. He never did contact me and for a while I wondered if he was respecting my wishes or if he didn't actually give a crap about me. The fact is, why he did it doesn't really matter. What mattered was me going NC and growing stronger and addressing my own issues. I am so thankful he never reached out because it allowed me to focus on myself and my own healing. The reasoning behind it no longer matters. You have made it 4 days. Great! Just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Think of it in small increments rather than forever. You can do one day, right? Yes, you can. You are a strong woman and I believe in you. How long were you with mm for? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 If you're now serious about walking away (but also apparently conflicted), I think you need to beware of the "I'm really leaving her this time" play next. Depending on how desperate he may temporarily feel to get you back into his life, he might try this "move". I'd say there's about a 50/50 chance. You've now "broken up" twice and clearly feel resentment, and are clearly trying to feel committed to leaving. IF this was a normal relationship, I think most people would feel that's a sign it's likely in its death throes. However there is a lot of "push-pull" in affairs. You have "pushed" him away - but you might well start to "pull" him in again IF he responds by coming running to you with more promises than ever. Thinking rationally, you apparently now have decided to focus on the practicalities of what's important to start moving on/getting on with your life. For him (rationally) you have ended things twice - confirming that, from the perspective of needing a safe landing spot emotionally IF he leaves, you are a bad bet for him. So, theoretically, this should be the end. HOWEVER, if people always behaved rationally in relationships the world would be a far different place. So I'd say there's something like a 50/50 chance he tries to re-start things (quite possibly with more insistence that he's "really" leaving) and perhaps a 50/50 chance that you accept him back if he does. All that said, I DON'T see it working out permanently if that happens. The reason is there is now a lot of "baggage" with the resentment on your side, the actual hurdle of him actually leaving will still be yet to be crossed, and at some level, after two breakups, he must now realize you're a "bad bet" (for HIM, not necessarily for others). Also you are starting to feel like the grass is greener elsewhere (not with him). So for all those reasons, regardless of further "rekindlings," I suspect this is now toast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: 7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: It is. But he’s choosing to live it cos he’s conflict avoidant and said he’s got a misplaced loyalty to stay And now he has had a taste of what a relationship should be like he will be even more fed up in it With respect, it is naive to believe that as any OW ever (almost) can attest to. What they say about their misery, and what is reality, are often 2 very different things .... Just wondering - how is loyalty to a spouse misplaced? Isn't that as it should be? If he isn't loyal to his vows, (and he hasn't been during the affair) how would he be to you? Serious questions to ponder. Edited July 20, 2021 by PhoenixRising8 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 23 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said: Just wondering - how is loyalty to a spouse misplaced? Isn't that as it should be? I was about to come back to this point, too. His loyalty to his wife is not misplaced, OP. Any loyalty to you, however, is. So you've got it totally backwards there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 (edited) 44 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said: With respect, it is naive to believe that as any OW ever (almost) can attest to. What they say about their misery, and what is reality, are often 2 very different things .... Just wondering - how is loyalty to a spouse misplaced? Isn't that as it should be? If he isn't loyal to his vows, (and he hasn't been during the affair) how would he be to you? Serious questions to ponder. Definitely something to consider. Most people would consider loyalty and fidelity to be non-negotiable in a marriage/expected from their spouse. As to the thought that he has had a “taste of what a relationship should be like”… You don’t have a real relationship. You have been dating - Bachelor style. In much the same way that the contestants are always on their best behavior, always looking their best, sharing new experiences together, travelling the world, dreaming about the life think they will share together in the future. That’s not real life - it’s a fantasy - and that’s why so many of those relationships fail when the cameras are off and real life awaits. I think about the first time I cooked with my partner - we found a new recipe we both liked, we went shopping together, we had a glass of wine while we worked together to cook and do the dishes. Now - we argue about who’s responsible for cooking (“it’s your turn to cook, I cooked last night”) and we argue about who’s turn it is to do the dishes. That’s what he has with his wife, a relationship that occurs within the context of real life responsibilities. What you think is the way a relationship should be is actually just the joy and excitement of a new relationship. Edited July 20, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 20, 2021 Share Posted July 20, 2021 6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: How long were you with mm for? Off and on for a year. After a couple of months he dumped me for an OOW and I called him a coward for not being with me because I thought we had something special and that he was my soulmate. After a few more months I reached back out, and at that point he had separated from his wife (who found out about his cheating) and lost his OOW so he was all into me again. I thought I'd "won" but really I just caused myself so much more pain. That's what upsets me the most about my choices...I made the specific decision to reinvolved with this guy despite everything. He ended up ghosting me again until I called him when I had a d-day and found out I had an STD. That was when I left him the message. Like I said, maybe he cared, maybe he didn't. It doesn't matter, what mattered was how I acted and how I treated those close to me (which was terribly). I turned the focus on my healing and my growth and my taking responsibility for my actions. Doing those things really, really sucked...not going to lie. But I am much happier now, living honestly and authentically, than I ever was in the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 On 7/20/2021 at 10:35 PM, Bittersweetie said: Off and on for a year. After a couple of months he dumped me for an OOW and I called him a coward for not being with me because I thought we had something special and that he was my soulmate. After a few more months I reached back out, and at that point he had separated from his wife (who found out about his cheating) and lost his OOW so he was all into me again. I thought I'd "won" but really I just caused myself so much more pain. That's what upsets me the most about my choices...I made the specific decision to reinvolved with this guy despite everything. He ended up ghosting me again until I called him when I had a d-day and found out I had an STD. That was when I left him the message. Like I said, maybe he cared, maybe he didn't. It doesn't matter, what mattered was how I acted and how I treated those close to me (which was terribly). I turned the focus on my healing and my growth and my taking responsibility for my actions. Doing those things really, really sucked...not going to lie. But I am much happier now, living honestly and authentically, than I ever was in the affair. So I’m back guys. Update. My house is on the market. Hubby can’t talk to me he’s no even trying to fight for our marriage it’s toxic and he’s just in denial. Storms out every time I try chat to him. I’ve got guilt and mixed emotions but I’m not happy we both are very volatile it’s just not happy environment plus we are different we don’t have much in common now. as for married man I’ve told him no hard feelings but he needs to go sort his life out and we will be civil when we see each other he agreed and said he needs to sort out what he’s going to do as he’s unhappy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 1, 2021 Share Posted August 1, 2021 10 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: My house is on the market. Hubby can’t talk to me he’s no even trying to fight for our marriage it’s toxic Why would he "fight for" this marriage? Don't you want a divorce? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Why would he "fight for" this marriage? Don't you want a divorce? I’ve never actually said that to him I thought when he moved out to a flat he would change and fight to get me back but he’s very difficult to live with Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 1, 2021 Author Share Posted August 1, 2021 14 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ve never actually said that to him I thought when he moved out to a flat he would change and fight to get me back but he’s very difficult to live with Was anyone else really upset about selling their home? ?? I’m terrified Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted August 2, 2021 Share Posted August 2, 2021 22 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: So I’m back guys. Update. My house is on the market. Hubby can’t talk to me he’s no even trying to fight for our marriage it’s toxic and he’s just in denial. Storms out every time I try chat to him. I’ve got guilt and mixed emotions but I’m not happy we both are very volatile it’s just not happy environment plus we are different we don’t have much in common now. as for married man I’ve told him no hard feelings but he needs to go sort his life out and we will be civil when we see each other he agreed and said he needs to sort out what he’s going to do as he’s unhappy. 22 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: and said he needs to sort out what he’s going to do as he’s unhappy. Oh dear , be careful here -it’s unfair of him to tell you he’s unhappy- why do you need to hear this ? why does he want to tell you ? its playing on your emotions at a time when you need all your strength to make a clean break . I hope you’re different but I don’t know many people who successfully make the transition from being in a highly charged emotional and physical affair to one of friends who confide and platonically support each other with no hidden agenda . Maybe that can happen in time and after a long period of no contact but right now I worry that you’re very vulnerable. Just be careful and aware so you don’t get back into something you’re trying to move on from 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 2, 2021 Author Share Posted August 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Snakesalive said: Oh dear , be careful here -it’s unfair of him to tell you he’s unhappy- why do you need to hear this ? why does he want to tell you ? its playing on your emotions at a time when you need all your strength to make a clean break . I hope you’re different but I don’t know many people who successfully make the transition from being in a highly charged emotional and physical affair to one of friends who confide and platonically support each other with no hidden agenda . Maybe that can happen in time and after a long period of no contact but right now I worry that you’re very vulnerable. Just be careful and aware so you don’t get back into something you’re trying to move on from Thanks I’m being strong. I’m trying to concentrate on my marriage and either break free of it completely or try make it work for sake of kids and the house Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 Have you and your husband been for any counselling? They can be helpful even when you’ve made the decision not to stay together and can help you work through a separation more calmly . Id say it’s worth investing your time there and I’m sure both of you want what’s best for your kids -that’s not necessarily staying married but talking it through with a counsellor can help your communication together so your children don’t see you shouting-they pick on the anger and resentment even if you don’t think they are . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 11 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: . I’m trying to concentrate on my marriage and either break free of it completely or try make it work for sake of kids and the house Are you selling the house in contemplation of divorce or just moving somewhere else? Which one of you wants the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 (edited) What’s your plan post sale of home Scot? I wouldn’t be selling my home unless/until I had an agreement with my spouse. He doesn’t have to agree with divorce (assuming that is your plan), but If he hasn’t then I hope you have consulted a lawyer begun the process of filing for divorce and dissolving your assets. If not, you are going to have a hella-mess when you don’t have anywhere to live, a marriage in limbo, and a spouse that won’t talk with you. Talk about stress… Edited August 3, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 3, 2021 Author Share Posted August 3, 2021 12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you selling the house in contemplation of divorce or just moving somewhere else? Which one of you wants the divorce? Yeah I’m hoping too he’s not wanting to split but it’s too toxic Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted August 3, 2021 Author Share Posted August 3, 2021 9 hours ago, BaileyB said: What’s your plan post sale of home Scot? I wouldn’t be selling my home unless/until I had an agreement with my spouse. He doesn’t have to agree with divorce (assuming that is your plan), but If he hasn’t then I hope you have consulted a lawyer begun the process of filing for divorce and dissolving your assets. If not, you are going to have a hella-mess when you don’t have anywhere to live, a marriage in limbo, and a spouse that won’t talk with you. Talk about stress… He thinks after we get house sold we will either buy a new one together or buy one each and may get back together Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2021 Share Posted August 3, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: he’s not wanting to split Did you fie for divorce? he doesn't have a choice in that case Link to post Share on other sites
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