Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[mark clemson]

On 8/2/2021 at 3:45 PM, Scotgirl84 said:

Thanks I’m being strong. I’m trying to concentrate on my marriage and either break free of it completely or try make it work for sake of kids and the house 

From what you've written earlier it sounds like your husband needs to make a LOT of significant changes for that to happen.

While I personally don't recommend divorces to people (as a matter of principle) it's also true that staying in a genuinely bad marriage (with a drunk?) for kids and the house may amount to a level of self-sacrifice that you will regret in the long run. Something to think about (although you probably have been). Consider whether "it's not that bad" is true now ONLY because you no longer have your AP to fall back on emotionally. Consider whether fear of being on your own is the ultimate driver here. If so, a therapist might be able to help with that.

Edited August 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[Scotgirl84]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

From what you've written earlier it sounds like your husband needs to make a LOT of significant changes for that to happen.

While I personally don't recommend divorces to people (as a matter of principle) it's also true that staying in a genuinely bad marriage (with a drunk?) for kids and the house may amount to a level of self-sacrifice that you will regret in the long run. Something to think about (although you probably have been). Consider whether "it's not that bad" is true now ONLY because you no longer have your AP to fall back on emotionally. Consider whether fear of being on your own is the ultimate driver here. If so, a therapist might be able to help with that.

I think you are so right. And the guilt is consuming me cos he’s crying upset but he’s got a lot of work to do within himself first and that’s why I said we should live apart 

[Scotgirl84]

On 8/3/2021 at 7:17 AM, Snakesalive said:

Have you and your husband been for any counselling? They can be helpful even when you’ve made the decision not to stay together and can help you work through a separation more calmly . Id say it’s worth investing your time there and I’m sure both of you want what’s best for your kids -that’s not necessarily staying married but talking it through with a counsellor can help your communication together so your children don’t see you shouting-they pick on the anger and resentment even if you don’t think they are .  

This is great idea 

[Scotgirl84]

On 8/4/2021 at 11:18 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

This is great idea 

Update my house is sold. Great price. Now need to have discussions with my hubby as I want to buy property on my own and if he gets help and we get on better living apart then there might be a future personally I don’t want this but guilt is consuming me so I feel I need to give it another try hate hurting people 

[BaileyB]

Hope all works out for you as you Scot.

Congrats on the sale. Decision made. It must be a big relief. Now on to the next chapter…

[Snakesalive]

12 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Update my house is sold. Great price. Now need to have discussions with my hubby as I want to buy property on my own and if he gets help and we get on better living apart then there might be a future personally I don’t want this but guilt is consuming me so I feel I need to give it another try hate hurting people 

Good to hear you’re progressing. Guilt is like an anchor it will keep you stuck and weigh  you down . Guilt is inevitable and one one of the hardest emotions to deal with I found . Guilt and shame mixed together was and still is hard and I guess a way through on this journey is accepting we’re human and make mistakes . I hate that I hurt the people I love and I can hear you do . Work hard at  self forgiveness it’s important for your sanity . 
 

in terms of your marriage space and time out is good don’t make the mistake of jumping back in to something bad because you hate hurting people or feel guilty -you’ll only hurt them more on the long run . Do it for you and fir the right reasons -because you genuinely want to be with him to the exclusion of anyone else -it will take time to process everything in it I’m so glad you’re staying true to your commitment to being out of the affair believe me it’s a much better and truer life 

Edited August 8, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Scotgirl84]

5 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Good to hear you’re progressing. Guilt is like an anchor it will keep you stuck and weigh  you down . Guilt is inevitable and one one of the hardest emotions to deal with I found . Guilt and shame mixed together was and still is hard and I guess a way through on this journey is accepting we’re human and make mistakes . I hate that I hurt the people I love and I can hear you do . Work hard at  self forgiveness it’s important for your sanity . 
 

in terms of your marriage space and time out is good don’t make the mistake of jumping back in to something bad because you hate hurting people or feel guilty -you’ll only hurt them more on the long run . Do it for you and fir the right reasons -because you genuinely want to be with him to the exclusion of anyone else -it will take time to process everything in it I’m so glad you’re staying true to your commitment to being out of the affair believe me it’s a much better and truer life 

Thank you really appreciate your words 

[Scotgirl84]

17 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Hope all works out for you as you Scot.

Congrats on the sale. Decision made. It must be a big relief. Now on to the next chapter…

Thank you long journey ahead though 

[Scotgirl84]

On 8/8/2021 at 1:53 PM, Scotgirl84 said:

Thank you long journey ahead though 

Update I’ve bought another house perfect home for my kids. I have also walked away from mm for good this time I honestly mean it. Told him I’m worth more and I’m not willing to be his gap filler in his marriage. Told him to go back to his wife and sort his marriage out said to him I’m not second choice never 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Update I’ve bought another house perfect home for my kids. 

Excellent. Pour yourself into this and your kids. Are you divorcing? 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Update I’ve bought another house perfect home for my kids. I have also walked away from mm for good this time I honestly mean it. Told him I’m worth more and I’m not willing to be his gap filler in his marriage. Told him to go back to his wife and sort his marriage out said to him I’m not second choice never 

Congratulations on your new home, hope you'll be very happy there!  Did you block MM from contacting you after you let him go?

[Scotgirl84]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Pour yourself into this and your kids. Are you divorcing? 

I’ve not had that final chat yet defo need to 

[Scotgirl84]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Congratulations on your new home, hope you'll be very happy there!  Did you block MM from contacting you after you let him go?

No just kept it civil. We need to work together 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said:

No just kept it civil. We need to work together 

Does he need to contact you after work hours due to work?

[Scotgirl84]

23 hours ago, stillafool said:

Does he need to contact you after work hours due to work?

No but it’s been small chat I’m feeling mega weak again why can’t I seem to let go of this man 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

No but it’s been small chat I’m feeling mega weak again why can’t I seem to let go of this man 

Try prayer.

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Try prayer.

Honestly I’m good for a couple of days then I sink into anxiety attacks missing him so much it’s bad 

[stillafool]

Maybe you have too much time on your hands to think.  You have to stay really busy.  Maybe get a second job and work out to relieve the stress and anxiety will help.  If you stay idle you will never get over him.

[Scotgirl84]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you have too much time on your hands to think.  You have to stay really busy.  Maybe get a second job and work out to relieve the stress and anxiety will help.  If you stay idle you will never get over him.

That’s true I’m off sick going back to work next week. It’s so hard though isn’t it? 

[torn_heart]

10 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Honestly I’m good for a couple of days then I sink into anxiety attacks missing him so much it’s bad 

What @stillafool says, you need to occupy your mind, I go through the same anxiety attacks and really, ust find something you really like and just focus on it.

My day was to text my OW constantly, after we broke up some days I was even unable to work.

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

What @stillafool says, you need to occupy your mind, I go through the same anxiety attacks and really, ust find something you really like and just focus on it.

My day was to text my OW constantly, after we broke up some days I was even unable to work.

How long has it been since you split? 

[torn_heart]

10 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

How long has it been since you split? 

Little over 3 months but it has been a roller coaster, the ongest we could stay NC were 2 weeks. If I had blocked her since this would have been over long ago, but there have been many mistakes, mostly on my part, but that let me find out that my ex-OW is a narcicist.

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by torn_heart

[Scotgirl84]

8 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Little over 3 months but it has been a roller coaster, the ongest we could stay NC were 2 weeks. If I had blocked her since this would have been over long ago, but there have been many mistakes, mostly on my part, but that let me found out that my ex-OW is a narcicist.

I’m not sure what my om is but I know I do love him truly and it’s cutting me to pieces cos he’s not running back begging to See me 

[torn_heart]

11 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

20 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Little over 3 months but it has been a roller coaster, the ongest we could stay NC were 2 weeks. If I had blocked her since this would have been over long ago, but there have been many mistakes, mostly on my part, but that let me found out that my ex-OW is a narcicist.

I’m not sure what my om is but I know I do love him truly and it’s cutting me to pieces cos he’s not running back begging to See me 

I'm in the same boat, but for me it's mostly a matter of ego, for some reason I seek her validation even though I know I cannot have a relationship with her, which is what she really wants, the only thing she wants. Think what he really means to you. 

My therapist told me "what was missing in your relationship it's what attracted you to OW, you didn't treat the issues of your relationship, or it lasted this long because of OW" and she was right, before the break with my GF we spoke thede issues and I think we will try to work things out, but I still need that "validation" from OW. 

 

[Scotgirl84]

14 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

I'm in the same boat, but for me it's mostly a matter of ego, for some reason I seek her validation even though I know I cannot have a relationship with her, which is what she really wants, the only thing she wants. Think what he really means to you. 

My therapist told me "what was missing in your relationship it's what attracted you to OW, you didn't treat the issues of your relationship, or it lasted this long because of OW" and she was right, before the break with my GF we spoke thede issues and I think we will try to work things out, but I still need that "validation" from OW. 

 

I prob need a therapist tbh I have severe attachment issues I need to deal with