BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Tbh I should never ever have contacted him again shoulda left it. He said he’s been sick no sleeping his stomach hurting and ill at the fact of no seeing me again He’ll get over it. So will you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: He’ll get over it. So will you. I know he will much quicker than me Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 19 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: He gets mad and upset when I say we are just an affair he said no we are not we are much more than that And? This proves nothing Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 19 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: but it’s too difficult for him to just walk away Right. Here is an analogy for you to put things in perspective: You're living in a luxury home, driving a luxury car, eating the best meals of your life all the time, happy as can be with all of it...and you don't have to pay for it or do anything for all these perks. Would you just voluntarily walk away from it? How difficult would that be? You have established such a low standard for him, while he gets all the perks he wants for very little in return to you. Of course it's difficult for him to walk away from that. He gets to keep everything in his life: wife, family, home, security, PLUS he gets a woman who oogles over him like a lost puppy, gives him sex, and requires practically nothing in return except a few snuggles and some I Love You's tossed around. But tell me, is his behavior really loving? Does it feel loving when you are popping a pill to keep your anxiety down?? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 4 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: Right. Here is an analogy for you to put things in perspective: You're living in a luxury home, driving a luxury car, eating the best meals of your life all the time, happy as can be with all of it...and you don't have to pay for it or do anything for all these perks. Would you just voluntarily walk away from it? How difficult would that be? You have established such a low standard for him, while he gets all the perks he wants for very little in return to you. Of course it's difficult for him to walk away from that. He gets to keep everything in his life: wife, family, home, security, PLUS he gets a woman who oogles over him like a lost puppy, gives him sex, and requires practically nothing in return except a few snuggles and some I Love You's tossed around. But tell me, is his behavior really loving? Does it feel loving when you are popping a pill to keep your anxiety down?? Nah it doesn’t tbh. But I can’t block him. I’ll just phase him away now not ask to meet and just be distant now. Then he will need to ask what’s up I’ll just say nothing we are just casual told you it would be different 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Nah it doesn’t tbh. But I can’t block him. I’ll just phase him away now not ask to meet and just be distant now. Then he will need to ask what’s up I’ll just say nothing we are just casual told you it would be different I’ll fill in my weekends with my friends and family and make myself unavailable and busy now and he will have to worry what’s happening I’ll gradually take it all away from him in a friendly way so there’s no bad feelings Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: Then he will need to ask what’s up I’ll just say nothing we are just casual told you it would be different Again, you are not doing this for the right reasons. You want a reaction from him when, in reality, the last thing you should worry about is what he thinks. You should completely cut all contact because it is best for YOU. Who cares what his reaction might be? Cut contact for YOU. That's the only way you will move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ll just phase him away now not ask to meet and just be distant now. You said that last week, and how did that work for you. You said - “it’s over, I’m going to be strong!” And frothy eight hours later you met with him again and offered him sex. You did not succeed then. And this this plan will not succeed now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ll fill in my weekends with my friends and family and make myself unavailable and busy now and he will have to worry what’s happening I’ll gradually take it all away from him in a friendly way so there’s no bad feelings No. No. Not gradually. BOOM! It's over! He doesn't want to be your friend and you shouldn't want to be his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, vla1120 said: Again, you are not doing this for the right reasons. You want a reaction from him when, in reality, the last thing you should worry about is what he thinks. You should completely cut all contact because it is best for YOU. Who cares what his reaction might be? Cut contact for YOU. That's the only way you will move on. I know that’s true Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 18 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know but I’m basically saying we can use each other until I find someone else and told him I’m withdrawing emotionally and proactively looking about now 1) You're not going to be able to follow through on this. Does an alcoholic quit alcohol by promising to drink less? 2) Why do you want such a situation for yourself? "We are using each other." Don't you want more than a situation where two people are using each other? I doubt you actually want that. In fact, you said previously you want him to leave his marriage to have an exclusive relationship with you. Two people using each other is not even close. Here is what it is: you requiring even less of him while he still gets all the perks. It's you saying you are so desperate for his crumbs that you are willing to lower your standards even moreso. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, vla1120 said: No. No. Not gradually. BOOM! It's over! He doesn't want to be your friend and you shouldn't want to be his. We are close we’ve been through a lot and with work we need to be civil Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I’ll gradually take it all away from him in a friendly way so there’s no bad feelings Who cares if there are bad feelings. You just have to communicate clearly that you have changed your mind and you have decided that it’s best if you end your relationship. Where are the hard feelings in that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, HadMeOverABarrel said: 1) You're not going to be able to follow through on this. Does an alcoholic quit alcohol by promising to drink less? 2) Why do you want such a situation for yourself? "We are using each other." Don't you want more than a situation where two people are using each other? I doubt you actually want that. In fact, you said previously you want him to leave his marriage to have an exclusive relationship with you. Two people using each other is not even close. Here is what it is: you requiring even less of him while he still gets all the perks. It's you saying you are so desperate for his crumbs that you are willing to lower your standards even moreso. I know it does sound like that well I’ve totally messed up haven’t I Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: Who cares if there are bad feelings. You just have to communicate clearly that you have changed your mind and you have decided that it’s best if you end your relationship. Where are the hard feelings in that? Yeah but after being so lovey dovey last night and here’s a thing I think he might be taking another job so if he does that’s perfect for me cos I’ll never see him Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 25 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Nobody said he wasn’t getting something out of this affair too. Perhaps, having been caught once he is attempting to put a different boundary in place. Perhaps he thinks he is not really “cheating” if he doesn’t have sex with you. I experienced something like this with my xMM. Ultimately I think it became a game to him... cat and mouse. You want it? Can't have it. OK I want it now. Blah blah. Barf! Thank God I finally got off that rollar coaster ride. Fun fact: never actually had intercourse with him. He enjoyed the cerebral jousting more. Edited May 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I can tell it does mean something though he’s defo in love with me you can’t fake that with touch body language and what he says and does. He s in love with having 2 women , one of which offers him casual sex and accepts tit bits of a relationship when it’s convenient. Sorry but if you think someone treating you the way is a demonstration of real love I’d urge you to discuss this in therapy . Believe me I get it -the whole body language, words etc etc but you know what real love doesn’t make you feel anxious , desperate and needy it elevates you: makes you feel strong confident and secure . Right now you’re putting so much emphasis on this man and his “love” it’s blinding and confusing you . If and when you make the decision to end this properly whether he “loved “ you or not will be less important in your life -you’ll realise your self respect is more important. Edited May 3, 2021 by Snakesalive 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: We are close we’ve been through a lot and with work we need to be civil I absolutely, vehemently detest my boss, but every day, I come to work with a smile on my face and we are professional and civil to one another. You can do it, too. 2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Yeah but after being so lovey dovey last night and here’s a thing I think he might be taking another job so if he does that’s perfect for me cos I’ll never see him Him taking another job would be great, but if that doesn't happen, you still need to do what is best for YOU, which is to cut all contact and simply be professional, all business and cordial at work. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: Yeah but after being so lovey dovey last night and here’s a thing I think he might be taking another job so if he does that’s perfect for me cos I’ll never see him Yes, that would be best. It doesn’t matter if you were lovey covey last night. Today is a new day, and you have made a different decision. The struggle here is - you haven’t made a different decision. You are not ready to let go. That’s very clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: I experienced something like this with my xMM. Ultimately I think it became a game to him... cat and mouse. You want it? Can't have it. OK I want it now. Blah blah. Barf! Thank God I finally got off that rollar coaster ride. What’s your story what did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: Yes, that would be best. It doesn’t matter if you were lovey covey last night. Today is a new day, and you have made a different decision. The struggle here is - you haven’t made a different decision. You are not ready to let go. That’s very clear. How do you get the strength to let go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Share Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: How do you get the strength to let go? I am fking him about with my rollercoaster of emotions that doesn’t look stable Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: I know it does sound like that well I’ve totally messed up haven’t I You sound like someone who knows she needs to get out but is having a difficult time committing to it. There's a part of you that still believes this could work it the way you want it to. Once that part dies, the choice to commit to getting out will be easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: How do you get the strength to let go? You decide to love yourself more than you love him. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: What’s your story what did you do? Too much to get into here. Feel free to read my threads, especially the early ones. Link to post Share on other sites
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