Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Stupidkupid]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

She honestly does nothing I know this. He’s stressed out doing everything he’s scared to leave cos she’s so dependent on him. People in my work who know her have told me same thing. If this was the case and she was loving and looked after him I wouldn’t have stayed I know there is genuinely nothing between them. He finishes work at comes out to meet me every night and she’s in her bed when he’s home he’s always without her only cooks cleans takes dog out does shopping and spends all his free time with me. As for sex we’ve never had a night of sex we’ve messed about in the car couple of times it’s mainly emotional he has never forced sex on me at all he says he values me more than that and loves me wants to book something to spend a night together soon we’ll before I ended it that was. 

No. You don't know that. And I think the important thing to remember, and what lots of OW forget, is that their marriage and her 'behaviour' is none of your business. 

Why are people saying anything at all about her to you and why do you want to know? You really do need to stop this way of thinking. It's wrong of you to take what people say about another person and form that level of contempt. 

You have to admit to yourself that you have this level of contempt for the sole fact that she has something you want. It's not okay. I understand it. Lots of OW have been there. But that does not make it okay. Aside from her having married a man you want, she has done nothing to you. 

Until you realise that almost everything he says to you is a lie or a partial lie or an exaggeration you will be stuck in this loop. I honestly think you should get some therapy to help you work through this and some coping mechanisms.

[Stupidkupid]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

What did you end up doing? Did you end it? Did he try and contact you again? Did you give him an ultimatum? 

I ended it and went NC, I went into therapy (quite intense therapy, I hasten to add) and I did not contact him again. It took time and honest to God work and reflections on myself. 

I dated and met some lovely men, had short relationships and in between enjoyed being single.

[Scotgirl84]

She gives him no attention at all and no affection uses him to run after her honestly that is the truth. I know I sound bitter I have even tried to get him to fix his marriage at the beginning honestly and leave me he said it’s not fixable she won’t ever change. So I’m more annoyed at him not her as he’s allowing her to treat him like this all because he’s no got the balls to man up and say he’s no happy and leave. 

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

I ended it and went NC, I went into therapy (quite intense therapy, I hasten to add) and I did not contact him again. It took time and honest to God work and reflections on myself. 

I dated and met some lovely men, had short relationships and in between enjoyed being single.

Did he try contact you? How long were you together? 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

So I’m more annoyed at him not her as he’s allowing her to treat him like this all because he’s no got the balls to man up and say he’s no happy and leave. 

It is probably not about balls, he is like so many MM exactly where he wants to be.
MM are if nothing else, self absorbed and selfish. He will do what is best FOR HIM.
Trouble is men like this usually tell each woman what they want to hear.
So whilst he is telling you he loves you and he wants to leave, he may be telling her he loves her and he will never leave her...

[Scotgirl84]

You are possibly right. I don’t even know anymore it’s just such a s*** situation cos she doesn’t want to spend time with him but I do. She just enjoys the luxury of him running after her. Whilst I want to be 50/50 with him. 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

She honestly does nothing I know this.

And your source of information is him - this man who is lying to his wife about your presence in his life? Is his report of the state of their marriage trustworthy?

It goes without saying, but very few women will engage with a married man if he tells them things are great at home. So, they spin their tale of woe and women fall for it - hook, line, and sinker. Poor guy, so mistreated by his wife. Stuck in a bad marriage. Unable to leave... Please. 

And those coworkers to whom you refer - they know about the inner working of this marriage how exactly? Are they present in the home? Have they witnessed the behavior of both husband and wife first hand?

Perhaps, having a cheating husband has made her bitter and resentful, such that she has become angry and checked out of the marriage. How does anyone know what happens in a marriage except for the two people who are in that marriage. 

What’s more, how is this anyone’s business - including your own? 

You think you have the right to insert yourself into their marriage and pass judgment on his wife? That’s a question to ask yourself... 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And your source of information is him - this man who is lying to his wife about your presence in his life? Is his report of the state of their marriage trustworthy. 

It goes without saying, but very few women will engage with a married man if he tells them things are great at home. So, they spin their tale of woe and women fall for it - hook, line, and sinker. Poor guy, so mistreated by his wife. Stuck in a bad marriage. Unable to leave... Please. 

And those coworkers to whom you refer - they know about the inner working of this marriage how exactly? Are they present in the home? Have they witnessed the behavior of both husband and wife first hand. 

Perhaps, having a cheating husband has made her bitter and resentful, such that she has become angry and checked out of the marriage. How does anyone know what happens in a marriage except for the two people who are in that marriage. 

What’s more, how is this anyone’s business - including your own? 

You think you have the right to insert yourself into their marriage and pass judgment on his wife? That’s a question to ask yourself... 

no you are completely right. She will be fed up with his bullshit lies so she can treat him whatever way she wants and he’s a cheating liar so he’s desperate not to be outed so does what he needs to do to keep his status as the big family guy and the hero of the house keeping it all together. I am blind sided by love but in actual fact I’m the mug believing his story of him being the victim. She prob knows he’s cheating again as he’s become so distant and never doing anything with her always out the house but I need to get a total grip of myself and realise he’s the one in the wrong no me not her. He’s fooling everyone to get what he wants and keep him looking like the victim. He’s not happy or he wouldn’t cheat. She’s no happy cos he is a cheat and I’m no happy cos I’m getting played for a fool. So best thing is to man up and get over this lying cheat and see him did what he is!!!!

[Luna66star]

He was likely never intending to leave wife.  You've been conned, sorry. He wants his cake and to eat it too.  Very common with MM.  They will string you along forever with these lies.  You want very much to believe him as you are in love.

You need to move on immediately.  You deserve a man who is all in for you.  He's not leaving her.  Turn and walk away.

 

[Stupidkupid]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

no you are completely right. She will be fed up with his bullshit lies so she can treat him whatever way she wants and he’s a cheating liar so he’s desperate not to be outed so does what he needs to do to keep his status as the big family guy and the hero of the house keeping it all together. I am blind sided by love but in actual fact I’m the mug believing his story of him being the victim. She prob knows he’s cheating again as he’s become so distant and never doing anything with her always out the house but I need to get a total grip of myself and realise he’s the one in the wrong no me not her. He’s fooling everyone to get what he wants and keep him looking like the victim. He’s not happy or he wouldn’t cheat. She’s no happy cos he is a cheat and I’m no happy cos I’m getting played for a fool. So best thing is to man up and get over this lying cheat and see him did what he is!!!!

In bold. This you or a previous affair?

I feel for you. We all think we are different and that the MM is different. I think its natural to want to believe this but there are women, with experience, telling you who this guy is. Hes like the rest of them. The same tales of woe. The same "wife is awful"

In reality its what @BaileyB has said. Hes telling you what he thinks you need to hear to keep you doing what he wants you to.

I know all of this feels hard and like a lot. It is a lot. But only you can properly extricate yourself from this. 

And I refer back to what she, and I, have previously said: unless you are living their lives you have no idea what is happening in their relationship. And it really isn't good to dig at the woman whose husband you are trying to steal. She is the real injured party here.

If shes so bad. If he loves you so much. Why does he choose to return to her (and not you) as his primary relationship... every day.

Once you reflect properly on that you will start to move past him

[Scotgirl84]

Thanks I know you are so right I’ve never ever had an affair and it’s breaking me apart all the lies and the person I’ve became. I felt like coming clean to my husband whom I’m separated with just to be honest 

[Scotgirl84]

Also I need to work with him it’s so bad honestly cos I’ll see him daily 

[BaileyB]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Also I need to work with him it’s so bad honestly cos I’ll see him daily 

That’s the natural consequence when one decides to engage in a workplace affair. If you can’t deal with it, you may need to start looking for another job. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like your MM is a combination of co-dependent and also perhaps feels too guilty to leave (as his wife was sick). I would take him at his word that he can't bring himself to leave, but that he wishes his wife would leave him. I wouldn't assume he is lying about this, as some seem to be suggesting, particularly as you have others (work colleagues) who seem to support what he is indicating.

Unless you have some reason to think she actually WILL leave in the near future, I agree there isn't really much hope here. You can either accept OW status or leave (and clearly you feel leaving would be more emotionally healthy for you). I do agree that you have been something of an emotional band aid for him, just as he apparently was for you in your unhappy marriage.

It sounds like they are probably both miserable. Reality is that PLENTY of people stay stuck in miserable marriages for years and years, sometimes for their entire lives.

What I see as particularly sad here is that he doesn't seem to know that reasonably attractive adult men with reasonably good social skills often have a relatively easy time dating. So he could leave and probably do just fine. But clearly he doesn't realize that (and/or see the co-dependence and guilt issues above that IMO are probably driving his staying).

You MAY want to try to change jobs, if seeing him continues to be triggering for you.

C'est la vie.

[Scotgirl84]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It sounds to me like your MM is a combination of co-dependent and also perhaps feels too guilty to leave (as his wife was sick). I would take him at his word that he can't bring himself to leave, but that he wishes his wife would leave him. I wouldn't assume he is lying about this, as some seem to be suggesting, particularly as you have others (work colleagues) who seem to support what he is indicating.

Unless you have some reason to think she actually WILL leave in the near future, I agree there isn't really much hope here. You can either accept OW status or leave (and clearly you feel leaving would be more emotionally healthy for you). I do agree that you have been something of an emotional band aid for him, just as he apparently was for you in your unhappy marriage.

It sounds like they are probably both miserable. Reality is that PLENTY of people stay stuck in miserable marriages for years and years, sometimes for their entire lives.

What I see as particularly sad here is that he doesn't seem to know that reasonably attractive adult men with reasonably good social skills often have a relatively easy time dating. So he could leave and probably do just fine. But clearly he doesn't realize that (and/or see the co-dependence and guilt issues above that IMO are probably driving his staying).

You MAY want to try to change jobs, if seeing him continues to be triggering for you.

C'est la vie.

What you have said is so right. But he’s no strong enough to leave and she’s no wanting to be on her own. It’s sad as we have been such an emotional support for each other. I feel bad I actually want to reach out and ask him if he ok but don’t know whether to just wait for him to reach out 

[mark clemson]

"Reaching out" really just continues the affair.

If you are determined to end it, then staying firm is necessary.

However, from what I've read on this site, a period of "waffling" is very common as you slowly process that it is harmful for you and "gather resolve".

So, while this it may take a while, in truth continuing contact will generally just stretch things out.

[BaileyB]

Quote

He said he’s with her out of some sort of misplaced loyalty cos she took ill years ago

 

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

perhaps feels too guilty to leave (as his wife was sick).

Years ago. I doubt that is the reason why he stays. It would seem to me to be a convenient excuse - meant to earn more of your sympathy. 

Let’s assume she did decide to file for divorce. Do you really want a man who says he loves you desperately but was unwilling to do what as required to make that happen. Rather, he chose to settle for what was comfortable and convenient for him... until the day the decision was made for him when he began to look at his options, turned to you, and said “how you doing?” 

No, you want a man who is willing to move Heaven and earth to be with you. If he loved you more than he loves himself or his wife, if he actually had the courage of his convictions, he would find a way to be with you... legitimately.
 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Years ago. I doubt that is the reason why he stays. It would seem to me to be a convenient excuse - meant to earn more of your sympathy. 

I don't. We seem to have different opinions on this. That's fine.

I'm reading him more of the "genuinely unhappy" type than the "somewhat sociopathic" type.  I could be wrong, then again you could be too.

[elaine567]

If he is her carer as you claimed, how is she going to manage on her own?

[BaileyB]

Just now, mark clemson said:

I don't. We seem to have different opinions on this. That's fine.

I'm reading him more of the "genuinely unhappy" type than the "somewhat sociopathic" type.  I could be wrong, then again you could be too.

I’m not saying he’s sociopathic, far from it. 

I think it’s likely that he is unhappy and he has stumbled across some comfort. I also think he is not assertive (based on what has been described about his relationship with his wife - assuming it’s true) and obviously conflict avoidant (based on the fact that he is waiting for his wife to end their marriage). I would venture a guess that he is pretty sad to lose his affair partner because he has nothing to soothe him and distract him from his marriage anymore. He may well want to be with his affair partner, but he doesn’t have the courage to make that happen. He seems to me as the kind of guy who lets life happen to him, rather than creating the life he wants. But, as you say, that’s just my take.

I don’t know that I would say he is a “bad” guy per se, he has certainly got himself into a situation and that was a pretty unfair thing to do to his wife and affair partner (given, she most definitely has responsibility here too). 

[Stupidkupid]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If he is her carer as you claimed, how is she going to manage on her own?

And, further, it's worth asking yourself @Scot84 why this doesn't bother you?

If this was your friend's husband, and she was sick and needed support, how would you feel for your friend? Look at it through a different lens.

I think some of Mark's points are solid but they do give you the excuse to continue the cycle in your own head. "He is in pain, no-one understands him like I do, he is my soul mate, his wife is a monster, he needs me, we are support for each other etc"

It's not healthy to be in that spot. 

Ask yourself this, if when you met he had said to you "Look, I don't get any sex from my wife as she's sick. I'm looking for a bit of a companion and some sex, but I don't want to be with you" how would you have responded?

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If he is her carer as you claimed, how is she going to manage on her own?

Is he her carer? She said that the wife “took ill years ago.” 
Perhaps I’m reading this wrong, in which case I apologize. Has she recovered from her illness or does he provide care for his wife still? 

[Allupinnit]

I hope you can start looking for another job.  There are countless women on this board like you who end things with their coworker MM just to find it nearly impossible to move on from because he is in close proximity every single day and she has no escape.  Most of them never come back to update us on how it's going, probably because they inevitably fell back into the affair and the cycle.  

It doesn't matter if his wife has two heads, he isn't leaving and that's all you need to move on.  You were not designed as a woman to be cast aside to a back burner, you are to be celebrated and cherished.  

How are your children faring with the split of their parents?  If you're spending all of your free time together, have they met your MM?

 

 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

. He’s basically her carer

@BaileyB

Edited April 29, 2021 by elaine567

[Scotgirl84]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If he is her carer as you claimed, how is she going to manage on her own?

She’s not ill as she makes out she works part time but spends rest of time in her bed and on the couch. She had an op years ago but still plays on it and he took on the role of doing everything