Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 6 hours ago, BaileyB said: Not exactly that hard though when the one individual is not available to be in a relationship with you. Guaranteed hurt - get with a man who is married to another woman and refuses to leave her. That’s true. My marriage was doomed before mm came along. I got from him what I wasn’t getting from oh affection and fun. In a way he helped show me that there’s more to relationships than what I had. Me and oh have been through so much it’s changed us and our relationship I’ve not been happy for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: That’s true. My marriage was doomed before mm came along. I got from him what I wasn’t getting from oh affection and fun. In a way he helped show me that there’s more to relationships than what I had. Me and oh have been through so much it’s changed us and our relationship I’ve not been happy for years. This sounded so much like me 6 months ago . While I don’t know your exact situation I think it’s universally always true that affairs cloud our perception of reality . At the time I though My affair gave me exactly the things that were missing from my relationship and there is absolutely no one that would have me think differently-it wouldn’t have mattered what they said or who said it -I believed 100% that my marriage was over and my affair partner was who I was meant to be with -that was who I wanted to be with forever. Honestly it’s only when you’re truly out of the affair that you will be in a place to truly evaluate and decide on what’s right fir you -it’s only then you’ll really consider the impact Of your decisions on your kids lives and yours in the longer term. Maybe a long term relationship with your OM will work -You know the chances are high but putting that to one side -all I would say is you’re in no place to make big decisions about moving house right now -something that will undoubtedly impact hugely on your kids . just stop and think -take some time don’t be rushed into selling your house it’s a massive step and don’t let the momentum of the affair push you into moving either -slow things down and do it at a pace that won’t see you jumping around and rushing into anything. Maybe the relationship with your partner is over fir good but see it fir what it is /was and don’t compare it to what you have with you AP that’s just unfair and unrealistic Edited May 31, 2021 by Snakesalive 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Snakesalive said: This sounded so much like me 6 months ago . While I don’t know your exact situation I think it’s universally always true that affairs cloud our perception of reality . At the time I though My affair gave me exactly the things that were missing from my relationship and there is absolutely no one that would have me think differently-it wouldn’t have mattered what they said or who said it -I believed 100% that my marriage was over and my affair partner was who I was meant to be with -that was who I wanted to be with forever. Honestly it’s only when you’re truly out of the affair that you will be in a place to truly evaluate and decide on what’s right fir you -it’s only then you’ll really consider the impact Of your decisions on your kids lives and yours in the longer term. Maybe a long term relationship with your OM will work -You know the chances are high but putting that to one side -all I would say is you’re in no place to make big decisions about moving house right now -something that will undoubtedly impact hugely on your kids . just stop and think -take some time don’t be rushed into selling your house it’s a massive step and don’t let the momentum of the affair push you into moving either -slow things down and do it at a pace that won’t see you jumping around and rushing into anything. Maybe the relationship with your partner is over fir good but see it fir what it is /was and don’t compare it to what you have with you AP that’s just unfair and unrealistic So helpful thanks I’m so confused just don’t know what to do and what direction I’m terrified life is passing me by and my marriage wasn’t good even before he came along tbh but it’s all I’ve known tbf and I’m terrified of jumping selling house and losing all I’ve known but I’m miserable with my oh feel as if the grass is greener if I’m miserable and I’m not with the right person his drinking gets to me and he’s not going to change Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: That’s true. My marriage was doomed before mm came along. I got from him what I wasn’t getting from oh affection and fun. In a way he helped show me that there’s more to relationships than what I had. Me and oh have been through so much it’s changed us and our relationship I’ve not been happy for years. Believe it or not, I was talking about your affair. As snakesalive said, you are not able to evaluate one relationship accurately in the context of another. Your affair will cloud your assessment of your marriage. Your marriage clouds your view of your affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: So helpful thanks I’m so confused just don’t know what to do and what direction I’m terrified life is passing me by and my marriage wasn’t good even before he came along tbh but it’s all I’ve known tbf and I’m terrified of jumping selling house and losing all I’ve known but I’m miserable with my oh feel as if the grass is greener if I’m miserable and I’m not with the right person his drinking gets to me and he’s not going to change This is exactly why you have a counsellor... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: Believe it or not, I was talking about your affair. As snakesalive said, you are not able to evaluate one relationship accurately in the context of another. Your affair will cloud your assessment of your marriage. Your marriage clouds your view of your affair. Jeez looks like I should quit both tbh to get through this Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 Just now, Scotgirl84 said: Jeez looks like I should quit both tbh to get through this That’s what I would do. No way am I staying with a man who has a drinking problem. And, no way am I waiting around for a man who won’t leave his wife - you talk about life passing you by, you have put yourself in a position where you are now waiting for a woman you don’t even know to decide (hopefully someday) that she wants to end her marriage... Regardless of whether he is a good partner for you or not, that is just not a good plan for happiness. You have valid concerns about the home. You need to be sure that you have your finances in order such that you are able to rent or buy a new home for yourself and your children. Talk to your counsellor, a lawyer, a real estate agent, whoever you need to consult before making a decision. How much is he going to pay you child support? Will you get some spousal support? All of these things - you need to know before making this decision... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 31, 2021 Author Share Posted May 31, 2021 29 minutes ago, BaileyB said: That’s what I would do. No way am I staying with a man who has a drinking problem. And, no way am I waiting around for a man who won’t leave his wife - you talk about life passing you by, you have put yourself in a position where you are now waiting for a woman you don’t even know to decide (hopefully someday) that she wants to end her marriage... Regardless of whether he is a good partner for you or not, that is just not a good plan for happiness. You have valid concerns about the home. You need to be sure that you have your finances in order such that you are able to rent or buy a new home for yourself and your children. Talk to your counsellor, a lawyer, a real estate agent, whoever you need to consult before making a decision. How much is he going to pay you child support? Will you get some spousal support? All of these things - you need to know before making this decision... Financially we will be fine get a good price on the house but I’ll need to rent in meantime so I can wait till market crashes before I buy again Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 40 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: rent in meantime so I can wait till market crashes before I buy again Again this sounds like you are letting things outside your control affect your future -you could be waiting forever for the market to crash . Why do you have to sell right now ? If your partner has an issue with alcohol abuse they’re his issues to own and get help for . In the same way your issue with being involved in an affair is something to own and get support to break free from . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 2 hours ago, Snakesalive said: Again this sounds like you are letting things outside your control affect your future -you could be waiting forever for the market to crash . Why do you have to sell right now ? If your partner has an issue with alcohol abuse they’re his issues to own and get help for . In the same way your issue with being involved in an affair is something to own and get support to break free from . If OP is in the US and plans to sell the house sometime in the near future, right now is a great time to sell. The market is hot. In many areas, homes are going 30-50k over asking price and cash offers far exceeding appraisal price. On the flip side, it is a horrible time to buy. I know many people who have sold now and are renting to wait for the market to calm down. They are capitalizing on the hot market. So in this case, I dont see it as OP letting outside forces control. It is a smart financial move if you plan to sell anyway soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: I know many people who have sold now and are renting to wait for the market to calm down. If the market calms down. It’s hard not to imagine that there will be a correction, it I don’t know that anyone anticipated this “housing market boom” during the covid pandemic. That said, we have purchased appliances, furniture, and building materials - the cost of which has gone through the roof. The suppliers are all telling us that the best time to buy is today, because they don’t anticipate costs will come down... if anything, the prices may eventually plateau but they don’t expect that they will come down in price. It is kind of scary how people are being priced out of the housing market more than ever before... but, that is an aside. Edited May 31, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 31 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: If OP is in the US OP is in Scotland, UK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arrangrl62 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 On 5/30/2021 at 4:56 PM, elaine567 said: I think before it is all too late you need to take stock and decide whether leaving your marriage/selling your house is indeed the right thing to do. Is it really all so hopeless? Or is your judgement clouded by your love for this MM? My guess your MM is likely going nowhere even if his wife found out tomorrow. She will reconcile as she has little option not to, and he will go back to her. That is if you even manage to prise him out of his home in the first place... If you believe this guy will be your happy ever after, you may be in for a big shock... I am not going to persuade anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage but sometimes it is better to stick with the devil you know... I totally agree with you and my concern is she is ending her marriage in the hope they are found out and the married man leaves.. which we both know he won’t . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arrangrl62 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 On 5/30/2021 at 11:39 AM, Scotgirl84 said: Recently he has no care if we get caught or not Why does he not grow a pair then and have that conversation with his wife!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arrangrl62 Posted May 31, 2021 Share Posted May 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Jeez looks like I should quit both tbh to get through this That would be the best thing you could do 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted June 28, 2021 Author Share Posted June 28, 2021 Update…still seeing him although we’ve grown so so closer he said he resents her and her lack of time for him and is doing everything possible to come see me every minute he gets. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 28, 2021 Share Posted June 28, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update…still seeing him although we’ve grown so so closer he said he resents her and her lack of time for him and is doing everything possible to come see me every minute he gets. So he resents his wife because she doesn't have time for him? Isn't that saying he wants to spend time with her but she isn't available to him so he's filling that empty void by seeing you? That isn't a compliment. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update…still seeing him although we’ve grown so so closer he said he resents her and her lack of time for him and is doing everything possible to come see me every minute he gets. If he hasn’t filed for divorce, the rest is rather inconsequential… 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 8 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: Update…still seeing him although we’ve grown so so closer he said he resents her and her lack of time for him and is doing everything possible to come see me every minute he gets. So essenitally you ignored evevryone's advice. Well, Scotgirl, you are doing this to yourself at this point. We can't help you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 You think you are winning but the fact he is seeing you to spite her, is a sign that you aren't. Affairs are often about getting payback on a spouse. Here he is using you to get revenge on his wife who he feels is not giving him enough attention. By seeing you more often, he is subconsciously or consciously trying to get caught to get a reaction from her. It is like the neglected child who gets into trouble to get a reaction from his Mom. It may be a bad reaction but it is still a reaction. ANY reaction is better than no reaction. You think he wants to get caught to be with you, I think he wants to get caught to wake his wife up, to see exactly what she may lose. What happens if you do "win" and she bows out? You no longer have a common enemy and whilst you may feel you have gained, he may feel he has lost... This is the problem when you inveigle yourself into a marriage. Marriage dynamics are very complicated. I guess, this guy doesn't really WANT to leave, he spins a good yarn but he doesn't want to, not really, hence why he is still at home making excuses. DO NOT pin your hopes on this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 13 hours ago, stillafool said: So he resents his wife because she doesn't have time for him? Isn't that saying he wants to spend time with her but she isn't available to him so he's filling that empty void by seeing you? That isn't a compliment. beyond that, it shows a complete lack of any accountability for his choices/actions. It's what little kids do-blame others. Is he so wishy washy he has no control? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 13 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: he resents her and her lack of time for him This alone would be a major turnoff for most, or let’s say, for me in particular (I don’t want to generalize), as I would ask myself immediately this: “If she had more time for him, would he be happier with her? Is that what he really wants? Am I just the “gap filler” here?” - in other words: he wants to be with her more, but she won’t. He wouldn’t be with me if she chose to spend her time differently. It’s all in her hands, not in his, and certainly not in yours, OP. Major turnoff. Not a statement any mistress wants to hear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 32 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: - in other words: he wants to be with her more, but she won’t. I think if his wife really wanted him and wanted to be there for him he wouldn't be having affairs. She stays busy with other things while he pines for her. I wouldn't want to be her place holder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 24 minutes ago, stillafool said: I think if his wife really wanted him and wanted to be there for him he wouldn't be having affairs. She stays busy with other things while he pines for her. I wouldn't want to be her place holder. Exactly, they both have their motivations for doing exactly what they are doing. You have to ask yourself OP why she is withdrawn (and the fault may not be with her, perhaps she is tired of her whiny, attention seeking, conflict avoidant, cheating partner), and you have to ask yourself why you stay with a man who complains to you that his wife doesn’t have time for him… Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 29, 2021 Share Posted June 29, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: he said he resents her and her lack of time for him Translation: What I really want is to spend time with my wife, but you'll do. Edited June 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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