Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[Scotgirl84]

12 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

And, further, it's worth asking yourself @Scot84 why this doesn't bother you?

If this was your friend's husband, and she was sick and needed support, how would you feel for your friend? Look at it through a different lens.

I think some of Mark's points are solid but they do give you the excuse to continue the cycle in your own head. "He is in pain, no-one understands him like I do, he is my soul mate, his wife is a monster, he needs me, we are support for each other etc"

It's not healthy to be in that spot. 

Ask yourself this, if when you met he had said to you "Look, I don't get any sex from my wife as she's sick. I'm looking for a bit of a companion and some sex, but I don't want to be with you" how would you have responded?

I gave him opportunity to be casual at beginning he declined he said it’s not sex for him he adores me my carry on my company everything about me 

[Scotgirl84]

11 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I hope you can start looking for another job.  There are countless women on this board like you who end things with their coworker MM just to find it nearly impossible to move on from because he is in close proximity every single day and she has no escape.  Most of them never come back to update us on how it's going, probably because they inevitably fell back into the affair and the cycle.  

It doesn't matter if his wife has two heads, he isn't leaving and that's all you need to move on.  You were not designed as a woman to be cast aside to a back burner, you are to be celebrated and cherished.  

How are your children faring with the split of their parents?  If you're spending all of your free time together, have they met your MM?

 

 

Yes he’s met them when we’ve been out walking he wanted to meet them they obviously think he’s a friend 

[elaine567]

Without knowing her actual medical history, we can hardly judge how ill or not the wife actually is.
The previous op may be nothing to do with her health now.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

She’s not ill as she makes out she works part time but spends rest of time in her bed and on the couch. She had an op years ago but still plays on it and he took on the role of doing everything 

That’s more or less what I read into it. He is her “carer” in that he runs after her and does everything... based on what has been shared. 

We don’t actually know anything about her current health status. Perhaps, she is still dealing with an illness or perhaps, she has recovered from surgery. It’s unclear. 

If she is not actually ill, then it is likely a play for your sympathy - the guilt that causes him to stay with a woman years after she became ill and had surgery. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way and neither does he they are both unhappy 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said:

She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way and neither does he they are both unhappy 

And yet, they both chose to stay. Imagine that! 

As Mark said, many people choose to stay in unhappy marriages for a variety of different reasons... 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yes he’s met them when we’ve been out walking he wanted to meet them they obviously think he’s a friend 

Ugh. This is not good. That’s a HUGE and very inappropriate boundary to cross. 

[Scotgirl84]

Defo and he continue to have affairs cos he’s missing what he wants from the marriage 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, BaileyB said:

Ugh. This is not good. That’s a HUGE and very inappropriate boundary to cross. 

How come? 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

How come? 

How would you feel if your husband introduced your children to the married woman with whom he was having an affair? Would you think that’s good judgment on his part?

Hopefully, it was little more than a passing hello because they will be disappointed if they form a relationship only to lose that relationship when it crashes and burns, as it has here. Because, most affairs do eventually end. Very few relationships that start as an affair will turn into healthy relationships and blended families. 

It is the golden rule for any parent who is dating - your relationships should be separate from your children until such time as you know that it is going to be a stable, long term relationship. It’s very unhealthy for people to come and go from children’s lives... Even more important to keep a healthy separation when the relationship is an affair.

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How would you feel if your husband introduced your children to the married woman with whom he was having an affair? Would you think that’s good judgment on his part?

Hopefully, it was little more than a passing hello because they will be disappointed if they form a relationship only to lose that relationship when it crashes and burns, as it has here. Because, most affairs do eventually end. Very few relationships that start as an affair will turn into healthy relationships and blended families. 

It is the golden rule for any parent who is dating - your relationships should be separate from your children until such time as you know that it is going to be a stable, long term relationship. It’s very unhealthy for people to come and go from children’s lives... Even more important to keep a healthy separation when the relationship is an affair.

It was merely a hello and patting his dog and he walked along with us for a bit that’s all it’s been 

[Starswillshine]

25 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

She’s not ill as she makes out she works part time but spends rest of time in her bed and on the couch. She had an op years ago but still plays on it and he took on the role of doing everything 

How do you know she isn't as ill as she makes out? How do you know she plays on it? 

You don't. 

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

How do you know she isn't as ill as she makes out? How do you know she plays on it? 

You don't. 

Cos she’s ok when she’s out drinking with her mates but doesn’t want to spend any time with him 

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Cos she’s ok when she’s out drinking with her mates but doesn’t want to spend any time with him 

Says who? Him? His friends that he says to? 

[Starswillshine]

And what does that really say about how he feels about you? 

His wife is so nasty to him, doesn't want anything to do with him, but he is the love sick fool chasing after her.... when he has you chasing after him who can give him all that he supposedly needs/wants/desires?

WAKE UP!!!

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

And what does that really say about how he feels about you? 

His wife is so nasty to him, doesn't want anything to do with him, but he is the love sick fool chasing after her.... when he has you chasing after him who can give him all that he supposedly needs/wants/desires?

WAKE UP!!!

Agreed I am a mug 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Agreed I am a mug 

Just so hard to get over him just now I’ve been pulled in and fell madly in love with him all my fault 

[Starswillshine]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

Just so hard to get over him just now I’ve been pulled in and fell madly in love with him all my fault 

Look, don't beat yourself up over this. This board is filled with so many people who get pulled into this. Just don't waste any more of your life with a man who is weak and a liar. 

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Look, don't beat yourself up over this. This board is filled with so many people who get pulled into this. Just don't waste any more of your life with a man who is weak and a liar. 

I know it’s tearing me apart it’s all I think about and how I’ve allowed myself to get into this position I’m mega hurt over it my hearts broken and can’t really grieve cos no one knows about it such a s*** situation 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

It was merely a hello and patting his dog and he walked along with us for a bit that’s all it’s been 

It’s not uncommon for people in affairs to want to introduce their children to their affair partner. There is often a desire to to bring the people one loves together. For some, it is an attempt to progress and legitimize the relationship. They are often so deep in the affair fog, so focused on their own wants and needs, that they fail to recognize the influence and affect this will have on their children. 

Did you specifically arrange this “coincidental” meet and greet at the park? While, they were likely oblivious to the situation, your intent here shows that you put your own wants and needs ahead of what is best for your children - at least in this one instance. They have nothing to gain from meeting your affair partner, and he certainly has no business meeting them! I bet it felt really good to you though. 

Just something to consider. As was said above, time to let this go and move forward as best you can. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not uncommon for people in affairs to want to introduce their children to their affair partner. There is often a desire to to bring the people one loves together. For some, it is an attempt to progress and legitimize the relationship. They are often so deep in the affair fog, so focused on their own wants and needs, that they fail to recognize the influence and affect this will have on their children. 

Did you specifically arrange this “coincidental” meet and greet at the park? While, they were likely oblivious to the situation, your intent here shows that you put your own wants and needs ahead of what is best for your children - at least in this one instance. They have nothing to gain from meeting your affair partner, and he certainly has no business meeting them! I bet it felt really good to you though. 

Just something to consider. As was said above, time to let this go and move forward as best you can. 

I know thanks for your advice 

[Scotgirl84]

He’s not reached out today anyways so prob that’s my answer too 

[Stupidkupid]

5 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He’s not reached out today anyways so prob that’s my answer too 

You're never going to move past him while you do this.

You need to block him everywhere.

I've read all of your posts and its quite clear this isn't healthy for you. If he loved you he would find a way to be with you. I guarantee he cares, hes not a robot. But he doesn't love you enough.

Despite how its hurting you. Despite his promises. He doesn't care enough about you to follow through. Its harsh but its a fact.

The problem is you are putting too much stock in what he says and neglecting the message his actions are giving you.

Even after all of the advice you have on here you circle back around to your view of his wife (none of which is based in fact, everything you see or hear is colouree by your bias. She has something you want and that clouds your judgement) and how unhappy he is.

But as someone said above, and as brutal as it is, he'd rather be unhappy with her than be with you. That is what his actions are telling you.

You can move on from this. Plenty of people have. But you have to take steps to do that, and the first of those is blocking him everywhere

I know you are struggling. I've been there. But you have to help yourself

[Scotgirl84]

13 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

You're never going to move past him while you do this.

You need to block him everywhere.

I've read all of your posts and its quite clear this isn't healthy for you. If he loved you he would find a way to be with you. I guarantee he cares, hes not a robot. But he doesn't love you enough.

Despite how its hurting you. Despite his promises. He doesn't care enough about you to follow through. Its harsh but its a fact.

The problem is you are putting too much stock in what he says and neglecting the message his actions are giving you.

Even after all of the advice you have on here you circle back around to your view of his wife (none of which is based in fact, everything you see or hear is colouree by your bias. She has something you want and that clouds your judgement) and how unhappy he is.

But as someone said above, and as brutal as it is, he'd rather be unhappy with her than be with you. That is what his actions are telling you.

You can move on from this. Plenty of people have. But you have to take steps to do that, and the first of those is blocking him everywhere

I know you are struggling. I've been there. But you have to help yourself

So I’ve defo done the right thing by saying to him you either plan to leave her or you are staying with her? Then when he said he didn’t know how he could do it as he would be the bad one I said I’ll make that decision then we are over. It’s been a year and he says he loves me so surely that’s enough time for him to know. 

[Scotgirl84]

Think if he reached out to me it would make me feel better knowing he is hurting too like me.