Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[elaine567]

48 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

This is probably the most honest he’s been and the most  responsible thing he could have said

He has always said he can't/won't leave, due to his kids and his wife.
Nothing has changed.
This is just another attempt by the OP to try to force  his hand.
My guess she will cave again, the anxiety and upset will get too much, she will confess to him she lied and that there is no other man.
Relief all around and the affair continues...

The OP is not enough for him to change his life and risk losing his kids.
His kids matter to him, he will not want to fight with them over a mistress, he will not want to be seen as the bad guy who left their ailing mother.
The OP needs to put up and shut up, or walk away altogether. 
She will never persuade this guy to choose her.

Edited September 3, 2021 by elaine567

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He has always said he can't/won't leave, due to his kids and his wife.
Nothing has changed.
This is just another attempt by the OP to try to force  his hand.
My guess she will cave again, the anxiety and upset will get too much, she will confess to him she lied and that there is no other man.
Relief all around and the affair continues...

The OP is not enough for him to change his life and risk losing his kids.
His kids matter to him, he will not want to fight with them over a mistress, he will not want to be seen as the bad guy who left their ailing mother.
The OP needs to put up and shut up, or walk away altogether. 
She will never persuade this guy to choose her.

Ok thanks for the confidence boost. Glass half full n all that jazz 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Ok thanks for the confidence boost. Glass half full n all that jazz 

You said it yourself, you told him to make him jealous, and for him to choose you, NOT to break up with him.
That was his idea.
When he ended it you then asked why?
As you said you have tried every trick in the book to get him to leave, this is just another trick.
A variation on a theme.

Why would we think this time you are actually going to walk away and stay away from him.
He has you sussed. He can do without you, YOU cannot do without him and he knows it..

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I don’t see any way back now I’ve lied to him to hurt him and see his reaction there’s no way now I could go back and say I lied to hurt you. It’s done. If he was ever going to leave then this would be the time. He has no intention of being in my future. He said he has a sense of obligation to his kids and her cos her illness and will have to sacrifice his own happiness to make sure they are all happy. Can’t argue with that. I am fighting a losing battle with him 

So, in other words, you're not letting go because you recognize that is best for you - but because he won't want you anymore. 

You're still not taking control of your own life here. Everything is up to him. This merry-go-round is going to continue. 

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I am fighting a losing battle with him 

Yup! I hope you see that now…

How many times do you need to test him only to learn - he’s serious when he says he’s not going to leave his marriage to be with you?

Time to let go and move on…

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

He’s smart . By telling you he’s got an obligation because of her illness and will “sacrifice” his happiness he’s trying to come across as being a great guy who is selfless and giving up his life for his family. He’s manipulating you again into feeling sorry for him and that the decision to leave is out of his control because of the family situation. He doesn’t want you to think badly of him . Classic 

Certainly he IS manipulative, but then again this may actually be true, or at least one way to look at it, and he may well actually believe this himself. Maybe not, but maybe.

And (apologies, but I think it's an accurate statement) so is Scotgirl in the sense she is lying to him in an effort to bring things to a head.

So now that this is done, hopefully you can reach a firm conclusion to move on if that is your goal. You could also just go back to him in a few weeks and tell him it didn't pan out with the new guy and you don't want to tell him who it was. However, doing that would just leave you right back where you are now.

I think taking a temporary break from romance to become "fully grounded" while you finalize your divorce and emotionally recover from all this might be a wise idea. It's unfortunate if you really wanted MM and couldn't get him, but that's life - we don't always get what we want. There is probably a perfectly nice single dad with a kid or two out there for you (you have a kid, correct?) if you look for a while.

[stillafool]

I haven't read this entire thread but OP do you actually have proof that his wife is ill?

[Scotgirl84]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Certainly he IS manipulative, but then again this may actually be true, or at least one way to look at it, and he may well actually believe this himself. Maybe not, but maybe.

And (apologies, but I think it's an accurate statement) so is Scotgirl in the sense she is lying to him in an effort to bring things to a head.

So now that this is done, hopefully you can reach a firm conclusion to move on if that is your goal. You could also just go back to him in a few weeks and tell him it didn't pan out with the new guy and you don't want to tell him who it was. However, doing that would just leave you right back where you are now.

I think taking a temporary break from romance to become "fully grounded" while you finalize your divorce and emotionally recover from all this might be a wise idea. It's unfortunate if you really wanted MM and couldn't get him, but that's life - we don't always get what we want. There is probably a perfectly nice single dad with a kid or two out there for you (you have a kid, correct?) if you look for a while.

Thanks mark this really makes so much sense. Need to be strong now it’s clearly over and not working out 

[Scotgirl84]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I haven't read this entire thread but OP do you actually have proof that his wife is ill?

Yeah it’s defo true I know through friends 

[Scotgirl84]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You said it yourself, you told him to make him jealous, and for him to choose you, NOT to break up with him.
That was his idea.
When he ended it you then asked why?
As you said you have tried every trick in the book to get him to leave, this is just another trick.
A variation on a theme.

Why would we think this time you are actually going to walk away and stay away from him.
He has you sussed. He can do without you, YOU cannot do without him and he knows it..

We shall see

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Yeah it’s defo true I know through friends 

What type of illness?

[elaine567]

On 5/1/2021 at 1:22 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

She had an op years ago and apparently her hormones have changed

 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 

Okay what type of operation would cause hormones to change - hysterectomy.  If so, there are hormone replacements to correct that and it's not exactly an illness.  Most post menopausal women who are still having sex.  It's common for MM to lie about having an ill wife who can't give them sex only to find out their having sex like bunnies.  A poster wrote yesterday about when her husband was having an affair MM had told OW they weren't having sex ever and she said in fact they were trying to have a baby and having sex EVERY night.  Until you see it for yourself don't believe him and even with most illnesses you can still have sex.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

  It's common for MM to lie about having an ill wife who can't give them sex only to find out their having sex like bunnies.  

Yes, and not only that. 

OP has said a few times that she and this man spent a lot of time together. But this man also claimed he was basically his wife's care-giver and did everything for her and she was essentially not functional without him . Funny how someone who is a "caregiver" to his apparently gravely ill and wife finds that much time to spend outside the home. Both things cannot be true. 

I believe that MM and OP have spent significant periods of time together. I don't believe that his wife is anywhere near as incapacitated as he claims. It's what he's been using as his "excuse" for not leaving his wife, and OP believed it for way too long.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP has said a few times that she and this man spent a lot of time together. But this man also claimed he was basically his wife's care-giver and did everything for her and she was essentially not functional without him . Funny how someone who is a "caregiver" to his apparently gravely ill and wife finds that much time to spend outside the home. Both things cannot be true. 

No, they can not both be true. 

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't believe that his wife is anywhere near as incapacitated as he claims.

Certainly not if the surgery she had was a hysterectomy. As has been said above, millions of women have had hysterectomies and there are hormonal replacement therapies that allow women to continue with life and have a happy marriage and a healthy sex life post menopause. None of these women require “care,” many would likely say their overall health and well being improve post-surgery. So, unless there was some kind of complication with the surgery that incapacitated this woman in a way that is not typical… He is clearly exaggerating her “illness” and you have rather naively believed every word he has said…

Edited September 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Scotgirl84]

On 9/4/2021 at 7:26 PM, BaileyB said:

No, they can not both be true. 

Certainly not if the surgery she had was a hysterectomy. As has been said above, millions of women have had hysterectomies and there are hormonal replacement therapies that allow women to continue with life and have a happy marriage and a healthy sex life post menopause. None of these women require “care,” many would likely say their overall health and well being improve post-surgery. So, unless there was some kind of complication with the surgery that incapacitated this woman in a way that is not typical… He is clearly exaggerating her “illness” and you have rather naively believed every word he has said…

Update no seen him for over a week after I told him I was going on a date. I don’t feel as if my world evolves round him now. Feeling much stronger and happier plus he’s been off work and will be off for next 2 weeks I’m finally detaching from him it’s made me feel so much better realising the grass is never greener. Been avoiding places where I might see him and when he messaged I’m being brief saying I’m all good hope he is too think I’ve realised it’s never happening 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

when he messaged I’m being brief saying I’m all good hope he is too

Why is he still massaging you? If you are truly done, set a boundary and stick to it. Block him, don’t reply…

[mark clemson]

53 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Update

Seems fair enough. I think you should worry about two potential issues:

- When you do see him again it may trigger a lot of stuff, something to be aware of

- He's said he's staying married. I think you can essentially take that to the bank. IF he comes along saying he'll leave again, given everything that's happened, I think it would be only in hopes of restarting the affair and not that he'd actually changed his mind. So take with a huge grain of salt.

Since/if you're done done, Bailey's idea to block his number isn't crazy. I'd let him know you're doing that and explain that it's to help you move on, etc. That may help the message of "I'm done" sink in even more. In some ways it's not that different from other breakups.

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

. I don’t feel as if my world evolves round him now. Feeling much stronger and happi

I’m pleased you sound in a better place 

[Snakesalive]

4 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

think I’ve realised it’s never happening 

There is still some doubt in your statement here-this and the fact you are still in touch by text makes me feel your head and heart are still not fully committed to ending this relationship. 
I hope it’s just part of your journey-I guess some people can detach slowly but for many a hard stop no contact is kinder and more effective in the long run .

I think you said in a previous post you wanted to stay friends and worked at the same company-this makes the end of an affair more difficult-again maybe some can make this work -I hope you’re one of them , I wish you all the best 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Scotgirl84]

5 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

There is still some doubt in your statement here-this and the fact you are still in touch by text makes me feel your head and heart are still not fully committed to ending this relationship. 
I hope it’s just part of your journey-I guess some people can detach slowly but for many a hard stop no contact is kinder and more effective in the long run .

I think you said in a previous post you wanted to stay friends and worked at the same company-this makes the end of an affair more difficult-again maybe some can make this work -I hope you’re one of them , I wish you all the best 

It’s changed now cos I called him out via text told him he’s a cheating liar and never to come near me again he said he wants to be friends I told him no stay away from me and my children you are fake you’ve done this all throughout your marriage and I’ve been played don’t know why I thought I was special I said karma is a terrible thing 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

It’s changed now cos I called him out via text told him he’s a cheating liar and never to come near me again he said he wants to be friends I told him no stay away from me and my children you are fake you’ve done this all throughout your marriage and I’ve been played don’t know why I thought I was special I said karma is a terrible thing 

He was trying to hit me with I did love you and I’m not happy whilst his wife is posting pics online of them going on family day trips 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, Scotgirl84 said:

He was trying to hit me with I did love you and I’m not happy whilst his wife is posting pics online of them going on family day trips 

It’s best I’ve unleashed now he’s like well if you feel like that then block me I said give you the easy way out!!!

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

It’s changed now cos I called him out via text told him he’s a cheating liar and never to come near me again he said he wants to be friends I told him no stay away from me and my children you are fake you’ve done this all throughout your marriage and I’ve been played don’t know why I thought I was special I said karma is a terrible thing 

And then, if you are serious, you block his number. 

[Scotgirl84]

Just now, BaileyB said:

And then, if you are serious, you block his number. 

I’ll let him sweat though blocking him just now is what he wants!!!!