Ended it with a MM will he reach out? Heartbroken

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

Think if he reached out to me it would make me feel better knowing he is hurting too like me. 

It could also weaken your resolve draw you right back in...

The way you start to heal from this is by ending all communication. Rip the bandaid, as they say... rather than reopen the scar that is trying to form, again and again. 

[Scotgirl84]

I know I honestly won’t contact him I’ll stay strong 💪🏻 

[elaine567]

You have 3 young children. What did he say about your kids?
Was he prepared to be a step Dad and help raise/provide for your kids?
I guess a guy of 51, may not be too impressed at the thought of bringing up some other guys kids.
All fun and games until reality starts to hit. 

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You have 3 young children. What did he say about your kids?
Was he prepared to be a step Dad and help raise/provide for your kids?
I guess a guy of 51, may not be too impressed at the thought of bringing up some other guys kids.
All fun and games until reality starts to hit. 

He was fine with the kids but it wouldn’t have worked tbh. I was living in this fantasy world thinking life with him would be great but it wouldn’t. I was love struck on him 

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

So I’ve defo done the right thing by saying to him you either plan to leave her or you are staying with her? Then when he said he didn’t know how he could do it as he would be the bad one I said I’ll make that decision then we are over. It’s been a year and he says he loves me so surely that’s enough time for him to know. 

Its the right decision but you need to block him. He probably will contact you. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a month or a year. Not because hes hurting but because he needs something from you.

Need isnt what you want. You want him to actively, consciously choose you. And to do that he must be single.

And, more caution still, sometimes they leave and go back.

Ask yourself this, would you behave this way to someone you profess to love?

He doesn't love you in the way you need or want or he would not cause you this much pain.

Edited April 29, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[elaine567]

54 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

He was fine with the kids but it wouldn’t have worked tbh. I was living in this fantasy world thinking life with him would be great but it wouldn’t. I was love struck on him 

I would say nothing to your husband atm. If you are never going back to him then he doesn't need to know.
Cheating ruins lives, he may find it difficult to trust another woman again.
If you decide to go home then you can make a decision then whether he needs to know or not.
If you can, I would get yourself into counselling so that you can make sense of all this and get it off your chest...

[Scotgirl84]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I would say nothing to your husband atm. If you are never going back to him then he doesn't need to know.
Cheating ruins lives, he may find it difficult to trust another woman again.
If you decide to go home then you can make a decision then whether he needs to know or not.
If you can, I would get yourself into counselling so that you can make sense of all this and get it off your chest...

Thanks I think I need counselling to get over this and learn to love myself 

[Scotgirl84]

13 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Its the right decision but you need to block him. He probably will contact you. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe a month or a year. Not because hes hurting but because he needs something from you.

Need isnt what you want. You want him to actively, consciously choose you. And to do that he must be single.

And, more caution still, sometimes they leave and go back.

Ask yourself this, would you behave this way to someone you profess to love?

He doesn't love you in the way you need or want or he would not cause you this much pain.

Thanks I know this is very true it’s just such a hard pill to swallow. Especially when I thought at least he would check I was ok since yest I was crying when I left him 

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I am sorry but this is an old story on this forum.
Married woman in an affair, leaves husband for a married man (MM) as she loves him sooooo much, but the MM does not want to leave, and doesn't.
He instead stalls or makes excuses, sometimes for literally years, if the woman will put up with it...

Men often choose married women to have affairs with as it makes it simple. He is not  leaving, she is not leaving and all is hunky dory.
THEN she decides to leave the husband and it is all spoiled. Suddenly he is under pressure to leave too and because that was never his intention, he doesn't like it. 
You are trying to emotionally blackmail this man into leaving but instead of running to you he has gone dark, which is really not surprising. 

Men in their 50's rarely leave of their own volition, they usually have too much to lose.
Even those who do, some will end up back in the marital home eventually as pressure to go back home increases from kids and the wife.

What will likely happen is because you love him, you will eventually reach out, you will grow to accept him not leaving as you do not want to lose him.
He will be happy, you not so much...
My advice, cut your losses and run.
Trying to monkey branch onto a MM especially one with a sick and dependent wife, is almost always a bad idea.
You are only there to make his marriage more bearable...

This is absolutely spot on!

[NYAG]

20 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I know it’s same old story but we all work together and his friends and co workers have said he’s been miserable for years but scared to make the move he’s just put on a face and tried to do right thing. They have told him to leave also. He said he’s with her out of some sort of misplaced loyalty cos she took ill years ago I honestly don’t know what to believe but I did feel he loved me and he made me feel it. I know I’m a total mug but it hurts so bad. It really does. Know it’s all my fault for getting involved I honestly thought he would leave at some point. I overthink it all and make myself miserable. 

You're not going to save him. The only person who can do this is him and he has chosen not to. You have to move on. Find distractions, keep busy, and stop letting it play around in your mind. Nothing you think is going to change what is. He is a lot cause and you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

[Scotgirl84]

3 minutes ago, NYAG said:

You're not going to save him. The only person who can do this is him and he has chosen not to. You have to move on. Find distractions, keep busy, and stop letting it play around in your mind. Nothing you think is going to change what is. He is a lot cause and you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Thanks I know I’m still so upset but I’ll need to stay strong through this 

[Scotgirl84]

31 minutes ago, NYAG said:

This is absolutely spot on!

It is spot on tbh. I need to get this into my head 

[Snakesalive]

21 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

we all work together and

You might have addressed this later in the thread but are you looking for a new job? I ask as someone who has just come out of a long affair with someone  I worked with . The end of my affair was very messy -as most tend to be and as a result I had to find a new job and separated from my husband.  If you are serious about ending the affair  staying in the same job will make no contact very very difficult. 
I would also add I can totally relate to the pain you’re in and a few months ago I could never foresee   a time it would get better . It’s still hard but it is definitely getting better -

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, NYAG said:

You're not going to save him. The only person who can do this is him and he has chosen not to. You have to move on. Find distractions, keep busy, and stop letting it play around in your mind. Nothing you think is going to change what is. He is a lot cause and you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

So true -as other posters have said there are so many similar experiences on here - it’s not your responsibility to save him you’re not responsibility for other people happiness -it really doesn’t matter why he chooses to stay what matters is what you want out of life  . One of the things they contributed to the end of my affair was that My ex MM couldn’t deal with the reality that his facade of being the perfect person had slipped . We had moved in together but he couldn’t cope with the reality

[Wiseman2]

On 4/29/2021 at 3:59 AM, Scotgirl84 said:

I was in a relationship with a MM from work for a year. He told me he loved me he has not been sleeping with his wife for years 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately these are the typical lies. "We're not sleeping together", "about to divorce", staying for the kids",etc.

Do you still work together?

The best way for you to move on is not willpower, but telling the wife.

That will put the final nail in the coffin.

[Scotgirl84]

46 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately these are the typical lies. "We're not sleeping together", "about to divorce", staying for the kids",etc.

Do you still work together?

The best way for you to move on is not willpower, but telling the wife.

That will put the final nail in the coffin.

I have no long started my job so couldn’t move just yet it’s so convenient to me. I have seen he has been active at 3am this morning and I have caved in and messaged him saying I’m just checking he’s ok cos I still care! I am a fool 

[NYAG]

7 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said:

It is spot on tbh. I need to get this into my head 

You need to change your own behaviour, your own mentality and your own belief in yourself. That takes time.

[Scotgirl84]

1 minute ago, NYAG said:

You need to change your own behaviour, your own mentality and your own belief in yourself. That takes time.

I’ve given in already texted him to ask if he was ok. He replied saying he’s not good misses me so much. This is not good. 

[Snakesalive]

43 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’ve given in already texted him to ask if he was ok. He replied saying he’s not good misses me so much. This is not good. 

It sounds like you’re not ready to cut ties. Without a real commitment to ending it  , going no contact and blocking him you’ll just end up in a horrible circle . You know this is not good but the only person that can make the change and break the attachment is you . The alternative is staying right where you are -is this really where you want to be ? You deserve more  

[Maria1956]

Walk away. It’s not worth the devastation. My own affair blew up today, she found out so I’ll never see him again and I don’t know what’s going to happen to him. Find someone who is free to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

[elaine567]

32 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said:

I’ve given in already texted him to ask if he was ok. He replied saying he’s not good misses me so much. This is not good. 

Before you know it it will all be back to normal.

Likely scenario that plays out time and time again.
You will be sooooo relieved you have not lost him, you will be persuaded to accept the status quo...
He may give you a date for when he will leave, he may not. But you will accept it anyway, you love him...
You will settle down for a while, then when nothing happens, you will bring it up again.
Again he will persuade you he loves you, he will leave but not quite  yet... out come the excuses, the unstable wife, the family crisis, the kids need support, job stress, the elderly relatives... etc. etc. this will happen again and again.
Lather rinse repeat....

At this point when he knows he has you, he may become a bit less attentive, a bit more unavailable.  
He will see you on his terms, he will silence any complaints and he will get  a bit more careful he is not found out by his wife...
You will become more miserable, hankering for the days he was crazy about you, wanting to see him more, resenting his wife and his cosy home life whilst you stay on the outside.
What has happened is that knowing you are in love and addicted, he doesn't have to try any more, he has it all without the effort... he has groomed you to accept less and less.

You already did the hard bit, do not falter...

[NYAG]

16 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

It sounds like you’re not ready to cut ties. Without a real commitment to ending it  , going no contact and blocking him you’ll just end up in a horrible circle . You know this is not good but the only person that can make the change and break the attachment is you . The alternative is staying right where you are -is this really where you want to be ? You deserve more  

Yes. The only way to move on is to make the brutal decision to cut all ties permanently and never go looking again, and it's that final act that is the hardest especially when one or the other both don't really want it to end. There is no easy answer.

[Scotgirl84]

Thanks he’s been messaging saying he missed me so much and he’s not stopped thinking about me. I’m just being friendly back I’ve not asked to meet him. 

[Scotgirl84]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Before you know it it will all be back to normal.

Likely scenario that plays out time and time again.
You will be sooooo relieved you have not lost him, you will be persuaded to accept the status quo...
He may give you a date for when he will leave, he may not. But you will accept it anyway, you love him...
You will settle down for a while, then when nothing happens, you will bring it up again.
Again he will persuade you he loves you, he will leave but not quite  yet... out come the excuses, the unstable wife, the family crisis, the kids need support, job stress, the elderly relatives... etc. etc. this will happen again and again.
Lather rinse repeat....

At this point when he knows he has you, he may become a bit less attentive, a bit more unavailable.  
He will see you on his terms, he will silence any complaints and he will get  a bit more careful he is not found out by his wife...
You will become more miserable, hankering for the days he was crazy about you, wanting to see him more, resenting his wife and his cosy home life whilst you stay on the outside.
What has happened is that knowing you are in love and addicted, he doesn't have to try any more, he has it all without the effort... he has groomed you to accept less and less.

You already did the hard bit, do not falter...

This is so true. Although I know I have done the hard bit. I did reach out to check he was ok but I didn’t ask to meet him and I won’t. I’ll just keep it amicable as I have to work with him. 

[Scotgirl84]

I will stay strong here