BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 12 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: So is he back with his wife??? It happens more often than you would think. Men leave, only to return when they realize how much a divorce is going to cost them, or because they feel badly that the people they love are angry and disappointed, or they just miss the comforts of home and family. There are a few stories on this board of men who have moved in with the OW, bought a house, got a dog... only to go back to their wife and family. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 5 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: They decided to split and then our relationship was uncovered a few weeks later it was all just a big mess. ive heard he’s asked her if she wants to try again -she said no but I think they probably will reconcile -to be honest I really don’t care their relationship is nothing to do with me . I can honestly say I am better out if it I’ve done lots of apologising , realised lots about myself and why I got into the affair and I’m committed to a better life and making better choices - You’ve come a long way... you should be really proud of the work you have done to leave this relationship in the past and focus on healing and building a better future for yourself. Just needed to be said - I’m so impressed with your posts! Your experience and the wisdom you share is so valuable. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 6 hours ago, Scotgirl84 said: He assured me it was just sex with that one and he never chased her like he did with me and he only seen her every 6 weeks which is true cos it was another work colleague. He said it was just attention she chased him I missed this... This isn’t his first rodeo - you have fallen in love with a serial cheat. Even more reason to walk away... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It happens more often than you would think. Men leave, only to return when they realize how much a divorce is going to cost them, or because they feel badly that the people they love are angry and disappointed, or they just miss the comforts of home and family. There are a few stories on this board of men who have moved in with the OW, bought a house, got a dog... only to go back to their wife and family. Sometimes it is the kids that pull them back. One guy went back when his adult children deserted him. He thought they would eventually accept it, they didn't, he caved and went back. They accepted him back, so all happy again... Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 30 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Is therapy honestly needed? Like do you need to go private Read the whole thread back and you decide if you can do it without therapy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 14 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It happens more often than you would think. Men leave, only to return when they realize how much a divorce is going to cost them, or because they feel badly that the people they love are angry and disappointed, or they just miss the comforts of home and family. There are a few stories on this board of men who have moved in with the OW, bought a house, got a dog... only to go back to their wife and family. Yep. This is pretty common Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: you have fallen in love with a serial cheat Yes and it is why his wife has zoned out too... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 31 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: How long were you together On and off for about 4 years i guess. Way. Way too long. Very damaging. For both os us and for his wife Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 8 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Sometimes it is the kids that pull them back. One guy went back when his adult children deserted him. He thought they would eventually accept it, they didn't, he caved and went back. They accepted him back, so all happy again... This would be him as his older kids have so much control and hold over him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: Read the whole thread back and you decide if you can do it without therapy. You described yourself as broken, "broken" people need therapy to get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Sometimes it is the kids that pull them back. One guy went back when his adult children deserted him. He thought they would eventually accept it, they didn't, he caved and went back. They accepted him back, so all happy again... Sometimes the children to have a more difficult time accepting the affair than the wife. We’ve seen it the other way around too. There was one woman who was engaged to marry her affair partner and couldn’t because her daughter refused to acknowledge the relationship. Relationships that begin as affairs have a very poor chance of staying together for all of these reasons... Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Yes and it is why his wife has zoned out too... This is too true she knows what she is married to and prob just puts on a face for the family too. So in reality he’s right his marriage is a facade but all cos of his actions 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: This would be him as his older kids have so much control and hold over him Do they? Or, is that an important relationship to him that he wants to keep intact? If one has to chose between their affair partner and their children, I think the affair partner is fooling herself if she thinks that it will go any other way... and if it does, what does that say about the man? Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 22 minutes ago, BaileyB said: You’ve come a long way... you should be really proud of the work you have done to leave this relationship in the past and focus on healing and building a better future for yourself. Just needed to be said - I’m so impressed with your posts! Your experience and the wisdom you share is so valuable. Thanks @BaileyBthat means a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Do they? Or, is that an important relationship to him that he wants to keep intact? If one has to chose between their affair partner and their children, I think the affair partner is fooling herself if she thinks that it will go any other way... and if it does, what does that say about the man? Yeah. Everyone is giving you absolutely solid advice here @Scotgirl84. You're doing the thing you've (and so many other OWs) have done all the way through Poor, helpless MM. "His wife is an affectionless monster who doesn't understand him as I do", "He can't leave as hes her carer/ only support/ financially tied and its inescapable". "Hes there until his children are 18/ hia adult children control him" Its all horse s**t as this information comes from the MM and he has a vested interest in both a) looking like a good guy to you and b) his home life look inescapable Edited May 1, 2021 by Stupidkupid 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) ^^^ Nevermind the fact that he has a role in contributing to the unhappy state of his marriage. After all, his previous affair was only sex and she chased him. 🙄 His wife know exactly who he is - if she took him back and she keeps him trapped in a bad marriage because she refuses to file for divorce, that’s not his fault. It’s all on her. Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? When you put it all together, it sounds absolutely ridiculous. The only way you get out of this affair is to challenge this kind of thinking. You know who he is too - if you chose to believe the facts. What are you going to do with that information? Are you going to head the warning? Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 19 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Do they? Or, is that an important relationship to him that he wants to keep intact? If one has to chose between their affair partner and their children, I think the affair partner is fooling herself if she thinks that it will go any other way... and if it does, what does that say about the man? No I don’t mean in a bad way but they are adults and he still runs after them they dictate his life Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: ^^^ Nevermind the fact that he has a role in contributing to the unhappy state of his marriage. After all, his previous affair was only sex and she chased him. 🙄 I know it’s all bull s*** defo I’ve been a major fool and fell for it Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Scotgirl84 said: No I don’t mean in a bad way but they are adults and he still runs after them they dictate his life I mean. He's an adult, too, right. Even if the above is true, he's in control of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: No I don’t mean in a bad way but they are adults and he still runs after them they dictate his life Just like he runs after his wife when she dictates his life. He has no control here, no voice. That’s really sad for him. Poor guy. Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: Just like he runs after his wife when she dictates his life. He has no control here, no voice. That’s really sad for him. Poor guy. It’s all his doing though you are right. Prob out of guilt cos he’s a serial cheat. How can he lay in bed with her night after night knowing he’s spent the day with me?? So callous. I’ve taken all your points on board and I’ve messaged a woman to see about therapy. This support honestly helps me so much helps me to see what a fool I’ve been and looking at him through rose tinted glasses Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scotgirl84 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 4 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: I mean. He's an adult, too, right. Even if the above is true, he's in control of that. Exactly! And I said that to him he said aw I just do what I’ve always done and keep them all happy!!! Total mug if it’s really as bad as he makes out. Says he’s there out of misplaced loyalty just takes one day at a time and it’s all he’s ever known!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: It’s all his doing though you are right. Prob out of guilt cos he’s a serial cheat. Or maybe he’s just a conflict avoidant man who can’t assert himself. Perhaps he actually loves his family but has a very poor way of showing it. Perhaps, in his attempt to “fill his own cup,” he has actually contaminated his marriage and rather unwittingly created the very problems that he complains you about. Perhaps, what he needs to do is find his voice and take responsibility for himself.IDK, I think a man who feels guilt for his infidelity and the harm it has caused his family would not be cheating again. Unless, he is really that weak or selfish. Just my opinion... Counselling is a good plan. Good for you! You have unfortunately lost your way here and you need to do whatever you can to get back on track. Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Scotgirl84 said: Exactly! And I said that to him he said aw I just do what I’ve always done and keep them all happy!!! Total mug if it’s really as bad as he makes out. Says he’s there out of misplaced loyalty just takes one day at a time and it’s all he’s ever known!!! That’s still a decision that he is making - to acquiesce to his family. It’s his choice. If it is really as he says, to do this and then go out and engage in extramarital relationships is the easy thing to do. It shows a certain lack of strength, character, and integrity. Lets say that he does leave to be with you... what are the odds that someday he would be saying the very same thing about you? How fair would that be? And how would that feel? Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Scotgirl84 said: his older kids have so much control and hold over him Or...maybe they know exactly how much hurt their dad has caused their family, and they're trying to hold him accountable. They know him far, far better than you do. So does his wife. Don't forget that. You need to stop falling for this man's Poor Me schtick. He is not the victim he's pretending to be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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