loony Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I guess, I'm really reluctant to commit to anything unknown. I've been looking for programs and I found a university where they offered a three year full-time and a five year part-time program. The three year full-time program is probably not possible due to financial restrictions, so the five year part-time program might be a good idea, but for the sake of it, I can't imagine myself to live in the same place for the next five years. I'm afraid of people clinging to me and me not being able to get rid of them. And I think I also tend to fall for people who are kind of out of reach or difficult or who are also commitment phobic. I'm afraid of the regrets for missing out other potential opportunities and I don't want to be bound to the expectations of other people. What can you do against commitment phobia? Is it curable at all? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Your thought patterns are somewhat within your own control, although to some extent people are a victim of experience. This only goes as long as you let your subconscious reign. I have been commitment phobic (often without even realising it). When something ended, I wanted it back, when I had something, I didn’t want it. I couldn’t even commit to ending a bad relationship in case I realised I made a mistake in the future. I still have relapses but I recognise them now. My turning point came when I realised I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, which is where I was heading. My first steps were to take relationships oh-so-slowly. My instinct is to rush in head first and declare love within weeks of meeting someone. That gives you the perfect excuse to ‘fall in love’ with the wrong person, (you don’t know anything about this person). Then you have the perfect excuse for leaving town when they turn out to be an idiot. Take. It. Slowly. Don’t ‘fall’ for people. If someone unavailable/unsuitable catches your eye, don’t look. Next, once I actually started to realise this new person could be good to spend time with, I started to take small steps to break my patterns. I had to go outside my comfort zone – whatever your comfort zone is, once you recognise something/someone is good, then do something positive that makes you squirm with discomfort/embarrassment, but small step by small step. Why are you reluctant to commit to anything unknown? What are you frightened of? If you break the cycle of the unknown, then you can’t be fearful of it anymore. I would NEVER (maybe even now) commit to living somewhere for 5 years. I have moved over 35 times in my life. I have been in my current place for 8 years, but had I know that I would have before the 8 years, id never have moved there. Now I have experience of stability, I would be more likely to try commiting to that. I wont even go on a 2 week beach holiday, when I went to Thailand at Christmas, I had to move beach every 2-3 days. I don’t know what to suggest about the course, I sympathise though. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I can't imagine myself to live in the same place for the next five years. You have to make sacrifices to get what you want. It comes down to what you want more; the career or to be always on the move. If the latter, then it's pointless to have a career. Why not work as a tour guide or get into the travel industry? I'm afraid of people clinging to me and me not being able to get rid of them. Well that's not even possible. People aren't ticks; they can be ignored if you so desire. I think you are afraid of getting too attached yourself. What's behind this? Did you get very attached to person or place and then lose it? There's a reason you're averse to staying put. I'm somewhat the same; I'm not positive I'll be living where I live forever so I have just not gone out of my way to make friends. I have a few but I know from other places I've lived that friends can be kept over distances if you really want to keep them. I'm afraid of the regrets for missing out other potential opportunities and I don't want to be bound to the expectations of other people. How could you be bound to the expectations of others? You're allowing the opinons of others to affect you; you need to become more inwardly-directed and then whatever others think will mean nothing to you. Is it possible you run away because you haven't learned to set boundaries that would keep people out of your emotional space? What can you do against commitment phobia? Is it curable at all? You'd have to figure out why you have it. You can't cure something when you don't know the cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 Hi BigBelm, thanks for your answer. My turning point came when I realised I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, which is where I was heading. I'm afraid this is going to happen if I don't change something about myself... My first steps were to take relationships oh-so-slowly. My instinct is to rush in head first and declare love within weeks of meeting someone. That gives you the perfect excuse to ‘fall in love’ with the wrong person, (you don’t know anything about this person). Then you have the perfect excuse for leaving town when they turn out to be an idiot. Take. It. Slowly. Don’t ‘fall’ for people. If someone unavailable/unsuitable catches your eye, don’t look. My problem is, I always find something about people that I don't like after getting to really know them. It seems I have to rush into love and be blinded by it otherwise I will find something about them that I don't like and won't be able to support for the rest of my life (I'm not saying that this is very logical, it's just how I feel ) Next, once I actually started to realise this new person could be good to spend time with, I started to take small steps to break my patterns. I had to go outside my comfort zone – whatever your comfort zone is, once you recognise something/someone is good, then do something positive that makes you squirm with discomfort/embarrassment, but small step by small step. That sounds like a very good idea. I guess, I'm stuck in my comfort zone and just don't want to risk rejection (horror, horror, horror ). I wont even go on a 2 week beach holiday, when I went to Thailand at Christmas, I had to move beach every 2-3 days. I don’t know what to suggest about the course, I sympathise though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted October 20, 2005 Author Share Posted October 20, 2005 You have to make sacrifices to get what you want. It comes down to what you want more; the career or to be always on the move. If the latter, then it's pointless to have a career. Why not work as a tour guide or get into the travel industry? I don't want to be always on the move and I would like to have some stability. It's just 5 years in a place that you might not like that much seems horrible. I think I feel my live ticking away and wasting it a place that you don't like sounds awful. Well that's not even possible. People aren't ticks; they can be ignored if you so desire. I think you are afraid of getting too attached yourself. What's behind this? Did you get very attached to person or place and then lose it? There's a reason you're averse to staying put. My philosphy in live is to try to be nice to everybody, so I have the feeling that I attract a lot of people who are also a bit of an outsider, a tad clingy and in need of attention. I also very often attract the nice guys who misinterpret my friendliness and I have problems getting rid of them. They often misinterpret my withdrawal as shyness and often try harder. I feel rude rejecting them, but often I just don't feel the need to have a lot of contact with them. I have a few but I know from other places I've lived that friends can be kept over distances if you really want to keep them. That's not a problem for me, a lot of my friends live far away and I still have contact with them. I couldn't really say that I ever experienced a serious loss. In fact, I can consider myself very lucky, as I've never really experienced death in my family or among friends. How could you be bound to the expectations of others? I was thinking in the dating context. I don't really like dating, because the moment you call it a date it's full with expectations and people can become somewhat nasty when you reject them. Is it possible you run away because you haven't learned to set boundaries that would keep people out of your emotional space? Hm, I have to think about this. You'd have to figure out why you have it. You can't cure something when you don't know the cause. Could it be that I'm just not ready yet to commit and that I just worry too much? I'm a bit worried though as I find myself rejecting a lot of people and I wonder if my pickiness is still within the boundaries of sound judgement or if I'm not overly critical. I don't end up in problematic relationships like many other people do, but I also don't have any relationship at all. Can someone recommend me some books on this topic? Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Can someone recommend me some books on this topic? Hi Looney, I struggle with very similar things that you've mentioned. I tended to isolate because I did not know (still don't) if I wanted to remain in the same town for any extended amount of time. Outcast and BigBelm are very right when they mention that you need to identify your fears. I remember your long-running recent thread - I had many of the same feelings about certain types of men. I had to find ways to help identify my fears and the types of people to stay away from. "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter is very extreme in it's examples of the phobia, but I could relate to the basic underlying reasons for the fears. I was afraid of being left, cheated on, things falling apart, finding out the guy was nothing like I thought he was, me cheating on him, people getting hurt, or me just losing interest (again) in someone else. BigBelm suggests going slowly - very good advice. A lot of readings I've seen state that a committment phobic type person suffering from isolationist tendencies has little chance of breaking the pattern. (WTF?!) However, Chapter 13 (Taming the Monsters) of "Journey of the Heart" by John Welwood mentions that one way to overcome the isolationist tendency is for one to really bond with a group of the same gender. I can say that I've been working on this for a while, and it does help a lot. Outcast and Mz. Pixie had recommended some books on varying threads before. (Thanks ladies!) Since I am in a relationship with a guy who's really fantastic, I decided to read them. They are "His Needs, Her Needs. How to Affair Proof a Marriage" by Willard Harley Jr and "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Hartman. I can't recommend them highly enough for anyone interested in a long term relationship who is afraid of the things that I was (am?). I certainly wouldn't want to have waited until after marriage to read them. Don't know the reasons for it in everyone, I had to discover my own reasons and work toward addressing them. I hope this helps hon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted October 21, 2005 Author Share Posted October 21, 2005 I forgot to say, thanks Outcast for your answer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted October 21, 2005 Author Share Posted October 21, 2005 Hi Looney, Outcast and BigBelm are very right when they mention that you need to identify your fears. I remember your long-running recent thread - I had many of the same feelings about certain types of men. I had to find ways to help identify my fears and the types of people to stay away from. I actually know what type of people I need to stay away, but it seems all I do is weeding out... "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. [...] They are "His Needs, Her Needs. How to Affair Proof a Marriage" by Willard Harley Jr and "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Hartman. Thanks for your recommendations. I have to correct you with one author's name though, it's Chapman not Hartman (I liked this book, by the way). "Journey of the Heart" by John Welwood Ok, I just ordered this one. I hope this helps hon. Yes, thanks a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
megabit15 Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 I actually know what type of people I need to stay away, but it seems all I do is weeding out... OMG, I know what you mean! There are a lot of weeds!! :lmao: Honestly, I think that's why it has helped me a lot to befriend women and make that the focus of my life during the dry spell. Even though I'm dating a great guy right now, I go to our standing ladies dinner together once a week. They're awesome and I wouldn't give them up for nothing. BTW-I'm sure you know there are lots of weeds in our own gender too - took me a while to find this group and I feel incredibly fortunate to have it. Thanks for correcting the author name mistake - imagine if someone else was looking for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author loony Posted October 21, 2005 Author Share Posted October 21, 2005 Ok, let's change the question: When do I know that I'm commitment phobic and when do I know I'm just really good at weeding out? Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Ok, let's change the question: When do I know that I'm commitment phobic and when do I know I'm just really good at weeding out? You're a commitment phobe when you weed EVERYONE out. Link to post Share on other sites
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