8 Years gone. Mixed signals? I need some input

[ItsTheDay]

This may be long, so I apologize in advance.

I'll be 40, she'll be 38.

3 weeks ago, my girlfriend and I got into an argument. She's been working from home every since covid, I've still been going to work. I get home from work, greet her as I always do. Took care of our dogs, fed them let them out etc. I then get ready for the gym and kiss her good bye, my gym is only 10-15 mins away. About 30 mins later I get a text from her that she locked herself out of the house. This is the first time she has ever done this. My replies to her were not the best, I said "great" and "I'm on my way". She said "no that's ok" but I said "I already left". When I got home she asked if I was alright, I asked her how did she forget her keys but not her phone. She said she just forgot to put them in her bag. I then asked her if she would of done the same for me, she said it would depend if she was in the middle of a workout or not. 

To back up a little bit, I do traditional weight lifting. We also use to workout together every now and then pre covid but she wanted to try crossfit so she joined a crossfit gym back in July when they re-opened here. Now, I never liked corssfit and if anybody reads this that does crossfit, don't take it personal. for the first few months, I was happy for her because she was really enjoying it but after a while I felt like I was being shut out. I was home around 6ish after my workouts, she would come home around 7ish sometimes a little past 8. Some nights she would stay late after the workouts to do other things with the group. It got to the point where she was bringing crossfit home with her. They have an app, called WOD something that you need a special invite to join. Think of it like Facebook but only for the people who belong to that gym. She would be on her phone from the time she got home to the time she was tired. The owners of the gym husband and wife make her feel special. Mainly the husband. She would get post cards in the mail weekly from him telling her how they are so happy to have her as part of the family, or how she nailed the workout and how much she's improving. She ate it all up, felt really special and as if she was the only one getting that from them. Maybe she was, who knows. She already has a few injury's from playing a lot of softball in school and college, even some surgeries. Ever since January she's been having shoulder issues and knees issues. Multiple MRI's and X-rays and turns out she should get her meniscus repaired again, that she had repaired back in late 2014 and a shin splint. She did a few months of physical therapy for her shoulders but it didn't really help. Recently, she's been having back issues. She's always too sore or hurting when she got home. Sitting or laying with a heating pad and using an E-Stim. I told her, in a very sincere way that she should give it a rest because I was worried about her and it's interfering with our relationship. We would only have sex once a month and it was always right before her period. She said I'm only saying that because I don't like crossfit, I told her that was not the case and I'm saying that because I love you and care for you, this was while she was sitting on the couch with a heating pad on her back and an E-Stim on her shoulders. 

Moving forward. The week she locked herself out of the house, we were very distant but we did talk about it some. We had a out of town family visit already planned for that coming weekend, she was on the fence about going but she said she would go. The ride was about 3 hours and it was very awkward but we both agreed not to try and talk about it driving down there. Both her parents and my parents live out of state, but in the same state and this trip was to see my family for a late Easter but he partners were also coming over, which they did. It was still an awkward weekend, we were very distant. I was in my feelings, questioning myself on some matters. We all played UNO one night, she was sitting next to me and we were actually have a good time. I was kind of flirting with her by trying to attack her with draw 2 and skip cards. She caught on and laughed and we both looked at each other and smiled. That's when I said to myself this is what I want. The next morning I talked to my mother, and she mentions that they actually already talked on one of their walks. She pretty much just said it's something that you guys have to work out. We leave that day (Sunday) to head home and we both already had the next day, Monday planned off to spend some time together, pre the argument that is. The ride home was still awkward but we both still agreed not to talk about it. We get home mid day, unpack and she just wanted to watch her show. I stayed busy doing this around the house trying to get my thoughts and words together. She went to bed a little early so I planned on talking the next day. Oh yeah, we've been sleeping in separate beds and bed rooms for about 2 years now because she is a very light sleeper. So anyway, I wake up Monday and I lay in bed and I'm thinking of everything. I get out of bed, make my coffee, play with the dogs for a bit then I was getting ready to go cut the grass and get my mind clear. I get dressed, clean my coffee mug out. She comes down to the kitchen and ask what I was getting ready to do. I told her I was going to cut the grass and when I'm done I want to talk to you. She said stop, she didn't want me to cut the grass and she wanted me to leave. 

She said she needs to set me free and be with someone who deserves me. She doesn't have what it takes right now to repair, build and grow this relationship. She said she wants time apart to work on herself and to be alone and be happy being alone, she wants to lay in her bed on Christmas day alone and be happy and she wants to know what her purpose in life is. 

I was hurt, felt my world just exploded. Our 8 year anniversary was coming up, next week actually and we had a whole romantic get away planned and book. This was suppose to happen for a 7 year but covid happened so we rescheduled it for this year. 

I have been completely moved out since that that Wednesday, renting a room at a friends house. I have no ties with her house, I'm not on the mortgage I just paid some bills. That's how she wanted it. While we were dating she was home shopping and she bought this house in late 2014 and she asked me to move in mid 2015. I still have some things at her house, that I have no room for that I am trying to sell. She says I can keep everything there until I find a buyer. She said we can arrange something for me to spend time with the dogs, which actually happened last week. We were suppose to go to a wedding together that was out of state, my nephew was going to stay and watch the dogs but she asked if I wanted to, so I did. Friends and family said I should of done that, but she didn't need me to and I wanted to spend time with my dogs. I was building a future with this women, we had plans and goals that we/I was working towards. She took me in, with my 30-35k debt. She had no idea until around 2016ish and she helped me out with it. Not paying off my debt, but she opened some lines of credit and transferred some of it to them to get 0%. We were a team, we had a good thing going. I had a vision with her and I was sticking to it. This is just so heart breaking and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I am hopeful, I still believe in us but there's bits and pieces that shows me this is really over. She still tells me to give her space and give it time, but then she'll follow it up with no promises. I know her though, she can't be alone. That Monday, she still went to her crossfit class. 

Someone, help me make sense of all this.            

 

[Marc878]

I doubt it was her locking herself out. Sounds like she’s found someone else.

Let her go. You only control you.

Chasing, contacting at this point is the worst thing you could do.

Most can’t stop themselves. Don’t be one of those.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

we've been sleeping in separate beds and bed rooms for about 2 years 

She said she needs to set me free and be with someone who deserves me. She doesn't have what it takes right now to repair, build and grow this relationship. 

I have been completely moved out since that that Wednesday, renting a room at a friends house. I have no ties with her house, I'm not on the mortgage I just paid some bills.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems like it's been unravelling for a while.

What did she mean by "repair the relationship"? What "growth" was expected? Did either of you want a future, kids, etc.?

Some situations simply have an expiration date. However this one seems to have eroded over time but there was complacency and coasting along

Good you could just pack up and leave without a tangled mess

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry this has happened, OP, but it sounds like she was gradually checking out of the relationship.  She had become preoccupied with crossfit and maybe the social life it gave her.  She decided this was not the right relationship for her.

I know it hurts a lot at the moment but that will fade with time.  You really don't want to be with someone who has so little time for you.  Things were very tense, by the sound of it.

I think you need to take your time to adjust to this and recover, rather than doing anything to try to regain this relationship.  She has tried with the relationship in the early days but at some point (you might be able to identify when) she started spending less time with you and opting out.

Sometimes feelings just fade and then a break-up is inevitable.

Look after yourself and read up on no contact.  Your next task is to help yourself to get over this so that you can rebuild your life without her.  No matter how awful you feel at the moment, it will get better in a few weeks.

Edited May 1, 2021 by spiderowl

[ItsTheDay]

Well, I have somewhat of an update. There was also one thing I believe I forgot to mention in the original post....

Recently, about 2 months ago while we were still together. She was talking to one of her friends boyfriends about getting together and taking pictures of her feet and selling them online for some extra money, which she doesn't need. She has a great job and makes real good money already. Anyway, I told her how I felt about it. I told her I did not agree and that is something you should talk to me about, not some other guy and it was disrespectful to herself and me. She disagreed and said it's something I should support her with. I told her maybe I would of if she came to me, but I didn't know because she went to some other guy. 

Anyway, I recently went over there Monday to get some more of my things. She wasn't home and hid the key to her house for me. I have conformation that she did move forward with the whole feet thing, and may be even showing more than feet. I also have conformation that she met someone else that Saturday. 

[ItsTheDay]

Also, today would of been our 8 year. 

[Alfano]

I didn't see an update.

 

[Marc878]

Get rid of her unless you want a real long stay in limbo.

She’s been stepping out in you. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg.

[ItsTheDay]

6 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

Also, today would of been our 8 year. 

The update was she's full of crap. She said when we broke up that she wants to be alone, have time to herself and work on herself. She said she wants to be alone and be happy alone, well that was all BS because she's talking to a new guy. 

[ItsTheDay]

14 minutes ago, Alfano said:

I didn't see an update.

 

The update was she's full of crap. She said when we broke up that she wants to be alone, have time to herself and work on herself. She said she wants to be alone and be happy alone, well that was all BS because she's talking to a new guy. 

[lil_missy]

Hi, 

Did you guys plan to have kids or get married? You didn't mention anything about it.

What I noticed was she owns a house and has a very good job. You only pay some bills and you came into the relationship in 35k debt which she helped you pay off. So what is your financial position now? It kind of looks like she has helped you alot, you even used the words "she took you in" , she's got her life together. What were you bringing to this long term relationship? 

[ItsTheDay]

42 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

Hi, 

Did you guys plan to have kids or get married? You didn't mention anything about it.

What I noticed was she owns a house and has a very good job. You only pay some bills and you came into the relationship in 35k debt which she helped you pay off. So what is your financial position now? It kind of looks like she has helped you alot, you even used the words "she took you in" , she's got her life together. What were you bringing to this long term relationship? 

We both don't want kids. Marriage was talked about, but she wanted me to get more financially stable, which we were working on. The day she broke up with me, I only owed 300 to a credit card, which is now paid off so I am now debt free, besides my vehicle loan (which is another story). Back in December 2019, I was looking at rings and had one picked out. Our 7 year anniversary trip was planned for that May, this time last year. That's when I planned on asking her. Covid happened so everything got cancelled.  

About the vehicle loan. Back in 2015 I bought a new truck that both her and I agreed on. It was a little over 50k but it worked for what we needed it for and she was budgeting my money and said I could afford it. 2 years later I refinanced it to save 200 a month. Well, a week after we split, I traded that truck in to get to get a little SUV.

Edited May 6, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[lil_missy]

3 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

We both don't want kids. Marriage was talked about, but she wanted me to get more financially stable, which we were working on. The day she broke up with me, I only owed 300 to a credit card, which is now paid off so I am now debt free, besides my vehicle loan (which is another story). Back in December 2019, I was looking at rings and had one picked out. Our 7 year anniversary trip was planned for that May, this time last year. That's when I planned on asking her. Covid happened so everything got cancelled.  

About the vehicle loan. Back in 2015 I bought a new truck that both her and I agreed on. It was a little over 50k but it worked for what we needed it for and she was budgeting my money and said I could afford it. 2 years later I refinanced it to save 200 a month. Well, a week after we split, I traded that truck in to get to get a little SUV.

Ah thanks for you explanation. 

See, I reckon maybe she got tired of waiting for you to become financially secure. 

What did you pay for in the relationship? (Besides some bills) 

I know you say you are debt free now but it's taken 8 years. Maybe she lost faith somewhere along the way, she is obviously financially stable herself so maybe it is something that's important to her. 

I could be biased. But my husband and I are separated due to his financial issues, he is very bad with money and was in a lot of debt (behind my back). I'm like your ex gf and i helped him heaps too, and now he says he is outta debt but I still don't know if I trust him to have financial stability. We've been struggling for about 2-3 years now with this issue. If I was your gf I don't know if I'd have waited 8 years for you to be debt free...

I'm sorry I'm not trying to offend you but maybe that's how your gf felt 

Edited May 6, 2021 by lil_missy

[ItsTheDay]

3 hours ago, lil_missy said:

Ah thanks for you explanation. 

See, I reckon maybe she got tired of waiting for you to become financially secure. 

What did you pay for in the relationship? (Besides some bills) 

I know you say you are debt free now but it's taken 8 years. Maybe she lost faith somewhere along the way, she is obviously financially stable herself so maybe it is something that's important to her. 

I could be biased. But my husband and I are separated due to his financial issues, he is very bad with money and was in a lot of debt (behind my back). I'm like your ex gf and i helped him heaps too, and now he says he is outta debt but I still don't know if I trust him to have financial stability. We've been struggling for about 2-3 years now with this issue. If I was your gf I don't know if I'd have waited 8 years for you to be debt free...

I'm sorry I'm not trying to offend you but maybe that's how your gf felt 

Actually, my original debt that we were working on was paid off a little less than a year ago. The new debt that I made was from purchasing a new computer that I needed (this past February) and doing work and upgrades around the house. I paid for a lot in the relationship. I paid for all the entertainment and dinners and dates and trips. It came to a stall during the time we were working on my debt, so she then started making more plans with her friends, which I was never invited. This was one thing we talked about during therapy and the therapist asked her why she couldn't start paying for our date nights since it's a partnership. She would spend her money on some pretty stupid things, during that time one thing she bought was a $300 human charger, which was a gimmick. Not that she had to tell me she bought it, but I didn't find out until I saw it laying on the table and asked her what it was. Looks like an iPod and the earbuds are just LED lights that claim to recharge your brain. She did agree with the therapist that instead of buying that, and since she kept saying she misses our date nights that she could of paid for a date night. So she did start paying for date nights but we would take turns or split the night up.     

[mark clemson]

If she's moved on then probably the best thing for you is to fully recognize that and move on yourself. Easier said than done, but it's probably what you need to do.

Good that you got yourself out of debt, that is pretty significant.

Onward and hopefully upward!

[ItsTheDay]

30 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

If she's moved on then probably the best thing for you is to fully recognize that and move on yourself. Easier said than done, but it's probably what you need to do.

Good that you got yourself out of debt, that is pretty significant.

Onward and hopefully upward!

Yeah, I know I should. I just feel betrayed in a way. She told me and my mother (her and my mom and my whole family were very close) that she wants time to herself, time apart from me and be single and happy. She said she wanted to wake up on Christmas day single and happy. It gave me a little hope and I told her that but all she would say is I (me) may not feel the same in 3 to 6 months and she thinks it'll take years before she's ready to date again. 

Like I said, a little hope but not much. I know her, she can't be alone. Even my mother knows this. The whole crossfit cult like atmosphere is proof of that. her and I started dating 3 months after her and her ex broke up, and I wasn't her first date. She was with him for a year on and off she said, but she told me about 2 years in our relationship that she never really fully got over him until then. She also brought that up again not too long ago, that she started a relationship with me too soon after her ex. 

[ItsTheDay]

Saw her yesterday. It was planned but we arranged that I would come over and get the rest of my stuff out while she was at her crossfit class but I took longer than I expected. When she got home, she came down the basement and said hey, I said hi and she asked how much longer I would be there. Told her I didn't know because I had to re-do the internet and that took some time. She then asked me later if I needed help, but I told her I got it. It sounded like she really wanted me out of there for more of a reason than just seeing me. 

Anyway, so I finished up and yelled upstairs to her (she was in her bedroom) that I was finished. She just yelled back "OK". I was saying my last goodbyes to the dogs and then I asked her if I could come up and say a few last words. She said ok.

While the break up was happening, she said she did not want to strip me from the dogs lives and she would work out when I could see them and spend time with them, which we were. I walked upstairs and told her this is it and I have to break up with the dogs. I told her it is very hard for me and they don't know and won't understand why I'm never coming back but I need to do this for me. Told her I'm dreading the day you tell me I can't see the dogs because someone else is there and she has took a big piece of me and I don't know how I can ever forgive her for that. For her to finally tell me she's been unhappy for years and should of ended this years ago. For her telling me she doesn't know why she stayed with me when she knew years ago she didn't want to be with me. I told her she was a toxic woman, and a toxic woman will destroy a man in 3 steps. Idolize, devalue then discard. She idolizes me, told me I was the best thing that's ever happened to her. She was so happy the 2nd date happened and she could see herself marrying me. She devalued me, she put crossfit first, friends 2nd and I was last. She was too worried by getting acceptance and support from her new crossfit friends, making plans with them and leaving me behind. Inviting her friends to watch her workout instead of me. Coming home to me but yet still talking in "group chats" with her crossfit friends until she's ready for bed. She discarded me. She threw me away like an object that was no longer useful to her. I was no longer serving her needs or wants, she was finding this with crossfit. Crossfit is there to feed her ego, boost her self-esteem, and feed her narcissist supply. I was once her crossfit. 

She said she hasn't been talking to anybody else and she hasn't met anybody. So I said to her, "So since we broke up, you haven't met or been talking to another guy that you haven't already known". She again said no. I told her it is none of my business but she still has no reason to lie to me. I told her I know she was lying and she asked who told me, I told her don't worry about it. She then said yeah she did meet someone through her friend but she doesn't think of him that way. I still asked her why did she lie, she didn't say anything. I told her all that talk about her wanting to be alone, work on herself with no interferences, to be single and happy being single all went out the window, because I honestly believed her. I told her we both know she cannot be alone, and always needs someone. I also mentioned to her that she's been asking me to be honest with myself, and now I'm asking her to be honest with herself. She said she's trying, and that was it.         

Edited May 7, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[Marc878]

Let her go. She’s already gone. If you don’t you’ll be keeping yourself in a losing position.

Shes not going to give you closure or anything else. That will have to come from you.

Talk in these situations get you nothing except an extended stay in limbo.

Listen or continue to linger. Drop the hopium pipe.

 

[ItsTheDay]

5 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Let her go. She’s already gone. If you don’t you’ll be keeping yourself in a losing position.

Shes not going to give you closure or anything else. That will have to come from you.

Talk in these situations get you nothing except an extended stay in limbo.

Listen or continue to linger. Drop the hopium pipe.

 

I'm trying, and I will in time I just really thought she was the one. I am starting to see the bigger picture. 

[Marc878]

11 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

I'm trying, and I will in time I just really thought she was the one. I am starting to see the bigger picture. 

Your only good path is zero contact. Block everything.

And the realization that there is no such thing as a soulmate or one and only. There are others that could fit that bill but keeping yourself tied up in this means you’re wasting time that should be spent on finding the right one for you.

[flitzanu]

this is the part you focus on. 

"She said she needs to set me free and be with someone who deserves me. She doesn't have what it takes right now to repair, build and grow this relationship. She said she wants time apart to work on herself and to be alone and be happy being alone, she wants to lay in her bed on Christmas day alone and be happy and she wants to know what her purpose in life is. "

everything you do or say after a statement like this does not gain you favor by her, that's the standard "soft breakup" line that she's done.

continuing to look for evidence of foot fetish pictures and such, and expressing your disapproval is also not going to help you.

i know the urge is to "fight" or "chase" but the best move here is to just disappear and erase all contact.

[ItsTheDay]

On 5/13/2021 at 2:25 PM, flitzanu said:

this is the part you focus on. 

"She said she needs to set me free and be with someone who deserves me. She doesn't have what it takes right now to repair, build and grow this relationship. She said she wants time apart to work on herself and to be alone and be happy being alone, she wants to lay in her bed on Christmas day alone and be happy and she wants to know what her purpose in life is. "

everything you do or say after a statement like this does not gain you favor by her, that's the standard "soft breakup" line that she's done.

continuing to look for evidence of foot fetish pictures and such, and expressing your disapproval is also not going to help you.

i know the urge is to "fight" or "chase" but the best move here is to just disappear and erase all contact.

I agree with you and many other here. Issue is, she has my/our dog. I've been having breakdowns last week over him, my minds been playing tricks on me and I'm thinking I'm hearing him in the middle of the nights. I broke down and called my mother last week and talked to her about it. I had a planned trip to visit my parents this past weekend, and I caved in and reached out to her about our dog. She said of course I could see him and take him with me. So we arranged after work on Friday I would pick him up, which I did and it was a civil visit. I dropped him off Sunday afternoon and again, it was civil. I explained to her that we went hiking and walked some trails and I pulled a few ticks off of him but I didn't see anymore. 15 minutes later she sends me a text saying she found another tick on him. I replied sorry and I thought I checked him over really good. She then followed up with a text saying she's starting to feel that ending the relationship was a good thing for me too since I appear to be doing things now that I wouldn't before. I asked her if she was referring to hiking and she said yeah and other things and that she shouldn't of said anything. She then said she's finding herself getting upset every time she see's me doing something now that she waited and wanted from me for years. I told her if she's referring to the hiking part, we talked about doing that a couple years ago when we went camping with the dogs. She then said she doesn't want to talk about this and that she made a mistake about saying something and for now on, keep it civil and about the dogs. I asked her to explain these things she's seeing now, because we haven't seen each other in a couple weeks and how is it making her upset and in what way. She just said what purpose is it going to serve, she feels angry because it's stuff I'm doing now that she's always wanted from me and she really doesn't want to have this conversation.

Is she angry at herself or at me?

Any why would she say anything at all?      

Edited May 17, 2021 by ItsTheDay

[flitzanu]

dumper's guilt.  let her feel bad about it.  she never said "let's get back together" or "let's fix our relationship"

it does not matter what she says or how she acts or behaves, unless she LITERALLY SAYS "let's talk about trying again".

 

and as much as it sucks, it sounds like you need to drop the dog thing.  don't use pets (or children) as an excuse for contact when you know it isn't a good idea.  don't use the dog as an excuse to see or talk to her, and if she's whining about how you're doing things without her...too bad for her.  she wanted you out of her life, so let her see what life is like without you.

delete, block, erase.

[ItsTheDay]

32 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

dumper's guilt.  let her feel bad about it.  she never said "let's get back together" or "let's fix our relationship"

it does not matter what she says or how she acts or behaves, unless she LITERALLY SAYS "let's talk about trying again".

 

and as much as it sucks, it sounds like you need to drop the dog thing.  don't use pets (or children) as an excuse for contact when you know it isn't a good idea.  don't use the dog as an excuse to see or talk to her, and if she's whining about how you're doing things without her...too bad for her.  she wanted you out of her life, so let her see what life is like without you.

delete, block, erase.

Sorry, I can't do that. I'm not using my dog as an excuse to see her, not at all. Like I said, when I picked him up and dropped him off it was civil and just about the dog. It was her that said something outside of the dog, not me. I did follow with it because she initiated it but she shot it down so I stopped. Me and my dog have a special bond, her herself said so.  

[Marc878]

Sounds like you’re keeping yourself in this. That’s what needless contact does. Like most you can’t let go. Make no mistake that is what you’re doing. You are analyzing everything she says/does. It’s hopium.

Get your own dog. 

Edited May 17, 2021 by Marc878