photogirl2006 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 I used to use this forum about 9 years ago, 10 this August. Back then my husband had cheated with his married ex-girlfriend while I was going through some serious health issues. I lost 40 pounds, felt great and then I found out the truth, a year or more after he'd been in the affair. The aftermath sucked. Counselors blamed me and asked what I had done to cause him to cheat on me. He gaslighted. He planned to move with her and I found the airline tickets. He said he was flying somewhere other than where the ticket was so he could buy a gun and kill himself. He could buy a gun in our state so that made no sense. He says they slept together once and to this day I believe that is total bullshit. We made it through with a lot of prayer and patience and then a few years ago I found the name of the woman's daughter in his Facebook. he says he was checking to make sure they were all blocked and accidentally unblocked the girl. Umm...okay. Flash forward to last week and I find the oddest conversation in his phone with someone flirting with him and the name of one of the kids being discussed is the daughter of the woman he had the affair with. Umm..okay. So I blew it and instead of scrolling through the rest of the conversation, I confronted him and the gaslighting startd. The story is even bettr this time. He says he met a person on a forum like this, was trying to help them and then things "got weird" and the person was trying to make passes at him. The person is a man, he says. He didn't tell me this story at first, of course. He said he had no idea whose number it was even though it was clear they were having a conversation back and forth. He comes upstairs 30 minutes later and tells me the bs about the person in the forum and holds on to this story for an entire day, complete with tears and how he thought he was helping this perosn and they turned out to be creepy and he didn't want to tell me because he thought I'd think he was gay or lying. I do think he is lying. Now he's signed up with a counselor, in a Bible study, and trying to pretend none of it happened. I made him get the counselor as a condition of me not divorcing his ass immediately. I didn't think he'd do it because he's always refused before. He did it immediately. Called the insurance, set up an appointment for two days later and as far as I know he did the zoom call Monday night. Last night he was in an hour Bible study through an online church program. I don't know if this is more gaslighting or lying or what anymore. I don't know anything anymore expect that I won't go through what I went before. I will not be torn up and crushed and horrified at him. I will not listen to the sobbing stories or the gaslighting. I will not tell him, "It's okay.we can get through this." I will not listen when he says, "I'm so down today..." because those are the times he wants me to stroke his ego and tell him the s*** he's put me through for the past 19 years, the worst of it being the last 10, is totally and aboslutely fine. His mother is a narcissist and he's close to being that so I'm used to that shtick and over it. Totally. To his credit, he has not actually pulled the crying victim card this time, but he also claims, as in the past, that he can't prove to me he's telling the truth even though he totally, totally insists he is. I have no idea why I am writing all of this except I need a place to vent with people who get it because all my friends dropped me a few years afater all this went down and my family doesn't want to listen to me anymore. I suppose they are right. I should have divorced him back then when I had the chance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 11 minutes ago, photogirl2006 said: He planned to move with her and I found the airline tickets. He said he was flying somewhere other than where the ticket was so he could buy a gun and kill himself. He says they slept together once and to this day I believe that is total bullshit. Agree. All cheaters are liars, it's that simple. You are living with who you think he is. Does he have mental health or substance abuse problems? Don't stay with anyone who is abusive, cheats, has alcohol or drug problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 I am so sorry this happened. Obviously, I don't know your backstory, but if he's still lying and deceiving after he got another chance almost 10 years ago, then that's not good. Make him prove to you that his "chat partner" whom he met on a forum is actually a man! Why don't you? You've got nothing to lose. Also – can you ask him for his forum credentials? There might be private messages on there, too. Oh, let me guess – he deleted his account?!? I am sorry you lost friends and family over this. That's the worst. You didn't deserve this. Do you have any kids in the house still? Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 You did not do it 10 years ago so now is the next best time to focus on yourself, believe in yourself and divorce him — unless you want to keep living through the lies and gaslighting. I know it’s not easy (I went through it about 2.5 years ago, husband was also cheating and lying about it, and even lied once he said he wanted out!) I kicked my husband out faster than he wanted due to the ongoing lies (owned our home before we dated) and am so happy now. Ultimately if you are someone who can’t live with lies, deceit and disrespect like me, you will be better off. Sounds like past marriage counseling didn’t work. I went for a bit but realized the best path for me was ending it as the trust was lost. Definitely put a plan in place, consult lawyers, etc. You need to protect yourself on all sides - financially, emotionally, physically (get STD tested ASAP, etc) and mentally (seek family/friend support, an individual counselor/therapist if needed, but a good one, not one who blames you - ridiculous.). I am free, feel light and happy now...and so can you once you work through the immediate grief and pain of the lost relationship. Like many others, I say I will never marry again! Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author photogirl2006 Posted April 29, 2021 Author Share Posted April 29, 2021 Two 5 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said: I am so sorry this happened. Obviously, I don't know your backstory, but if he's still lying and deceiving after he got another chance almost 10 years ago, then that's not good. Make him prove to you that his "chat partner" whom he met on a forum is actually a man! Why don't you? You've got nothing to lose. Also – can you ask him for his forum credentials? There might be private messages on there, too. Oh, let me guess – he deleted his account?!? I am sorry you lost friends and family over this. That's the worst. You didn't deserve this. Do you have any kids in the house still? Two kids in the house... 6 and 14 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 Ugh, I am so sorry you have to come back here. My ex-husband was similar with the most absurd stories until the truth came out (at least some of it). When I found out be eas in contact again, I ended our marriage. After he watched me go through that pain, he decided it was OK to risk it again? No way!!!! A marriage shouldn't be something you have to question. You shouldn't feel sick constantly. You shouldn't have to worry about what he is doing all the time. You gave it a try. You worked on it; you were willing to forgive and move on. Apparently, he couldn't hold onto his side of things. Know your worth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author photogirl2006 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 17 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: I am so sorry this happened. Obviously, I don't know your backstory, but if he's still lying and deceiving after he got another chance almost 10 years ago, then that's not good. Make him prove to you that his "chat partner" whom he met on a forum is actually a man! Why don't you? You've got nothing to lose. Also – can you ask him for his forum credentials? There might be private messages on there, too. Oh, let me guess – he deleted his account?!? I am sorry you lost friends and family over this. That's the worst. You didn't deserve this. Do you have any kids in the house still? He keeps claiming he can't prove it. Says he can't remember what sites he went to. Bullshit and Bullshit. And I don't believe his crap story anyhow. If he really did that he would be pulling up sites for me and saying he had visited this site or that site. He's a weirdo with a huge compuslive liar problem like his mother. I'm just biding time until I can save up for a laywer. It's so expensive and I have no savings and no job at this time. I stay home with our kids and we depend on his income, sadly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author photogirl2006 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 3 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Ugh, I am so sorry you have to come back here. My ex-husband was similar with the most absurd stories until the truth came out (at least some of it). When I found out be eas in contact again, I ended our marriage. After he watched me go through that pain, he decided it was OK to risk it again? No way!!!! A marriage shouldn't be something you have to question. You shouldn't feel sick constantly. You shouldn't have to worry about what he is doing all the time. You gave it a try. You worked on it; you were willing to forgive and move on. Apparently, he couldn't hold onto his side of things. Know your worth. I agree. He has shown me over and over again that I am not worth anything to him. He knows how much I suffered after that affair. I start scratching my skin to try to pull it off so I could be someone else. I fell into deep depression and health problems I had gotten control of came back. I gained 100 pounds in the last few years from some of those health issues and nothing i do helps. I could say he cheated on me because I was fat but I had lost 40 pounds back then and had a lot of people telling me how great I looked. The woman was like 150 pounds heavier than me and she is even fatter now. I guess he likes fat women...I don't know. And I do feel sick constantly. He claims he's always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to leave him but it's like a self-fulfilling prophesy. He wants it to happen because he keeps doing things to make it happen. And what is sad is I don't care what he's doing all the time for my sake - it's my kids. He's really going to screw them up because he's so selfish and narcisstic at times. I thought he was changing this whole time but I'm pretty sure the going to church and reading the Bible was a total freaking act while he lived however he wanted on the side. It's gotten really old. I want to know what life is like without a liar and a cheat in the house. I want to be free of the man who I sacrificed way too much for and he never cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 Leave him. Divorce him. Depending upon your local laws, you are most likely eligible for alimony and child support. Don't stay with a man who gaslights you & lies to you!! Please don't teach your children that this is okay. Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 2 hours ago, photogirl2006 said: He keeps claiming he can't prove it. Says he can't remember what sites he went to. Bullshit and Bullshit. And I don't believe his crap story anyhow. If he really did that he would be pulling up sites for me and saying he had visited this site or that site. He's a weirdo with a huge compuslive liar problem like his mother. I'm just biding time until I can save up for a laywer. It's so expensive and I have no savings and no job at this time. I stay home with our kids and we depend on his income, sadly. I would just text the number and ask the person what site they were chatting on. Also ask him to do a polygraph test. Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 Prayer isn't going to fix this. Nothing will. You need to be thinking damage control of your life not salvaging anything out of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 I'm sorry you find yourself out here. You deserve so much better for yourself. Stay in the house until you can consult a lawyer. I know you are worried about the children, but think of it this way. If you stay, then you're showing your children that you deserve no more than to be treated this way. If you divorce him, yes, there will be the concern of how he and his narcissistic mother treat them when they are with him, but they also have the benefit of your good influence. Plus, you'll be happier. Ultimately, I'm sure your children will also benefit more from your happiness than if you stay in a miserable marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author photogirl2006 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 50 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said: I would just text the number and ask the person what site they were chatting on. Also ask him to do a polygraph test. They blocked me and told me they didn't appreciate my potty mouth. So yeah..nothing suspcious there and when I call, it's a woman on the voicemail and her name is Janine which is odd because a woman named Janine called his office one day he told me a few weeks ago but he wondered if it was his sister Jeannie who hasn't talked to him in two or three years. The person hung up before he got to the phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author photogirl2006 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 7 minutes ago, vla1120 said: I'm sorry you find yourself out here. You deserve so much better for yourself. Stay in the house until you can consult a lawyer. I know you are worried about the children, but think of it this way. If you stay, then you're showing your children that you deserve no more than to be treated this way. If you divorce him, yes, there will be the concern of how he and his narcissistic mother treat them when they are with him, but they also have the benefit of your good influence. Plus, you'll be happier. Ultimately, I'm sure your children will also benefit more from your happiness than if you stay in a miserable marriage. Luckily I don't have to worry about the mother...she's been out of the picture for three years. She's very toxic and she ignores him because he has a penis. She doesn't like men. I'm not really worried about the children's safety with him. He is a really good dad in many ways - just a really shitty husband and person at times. Not violent or abusive other than emotinally to me at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 5 hours ago, photogirl2006 said: Bullshit and Bullshit. At least you're on to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 So what are you goong to do? Link to post Share on other sites
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