Resentment after second chance

[SloppySponge]

Hi All, 

I’ll try to be brief early to give you a fighting chance: 

I was down on my luck and my friends offered a holiday for a nice break and after 10 fantastic days away in sunny Portugal I decided to stay for 3 months at the end of summer ; it was a great experience. Liberated and happy - I met a girl, we will call her Sally.

when summer ended, I returned home, sally went back to her home we stayed in touch I wanted it. She wanted her ex back. When he wasn’t interested (after they were intimate her ofc) she came back to me. It took a while. She worked away, in Rhodes and in Germany. We talked throughout, we did the whole LDR. Then when her contract job ended she came to live with me.
 

We have now been together for almost 3 years. It’s a fairytale really I wasn’t even meant to be in that country, I made the first impulsive and independent move of my life to stay out there and I grew so much for it.

 

Now to the girl. She comes to live with me, gets a job here, we are going great. I’m happier than ever might I add. She’s beautiful, a dancer, a real dream change in my life. I’m so proud she’s my girlfriend. Man my friends all think I’m lucky and so on.....

 

One day a year into her stay I read a message on her phone, I don’t look much I’m really not that type. I had a gander. A pereusal. I did NOT like what I saw. She had attempted to return to her ex whilst living in my home. He said no way so she buried it and went on like we were great.

 

since... I’ve struggled. I’ve tried to put it behind me. I did confront her immediately, we had space for a short period she went home but came back. I’ve rEally tried to move past it. But it comes with so much hurt, like I’m hurting myself to know I could do better, to have someone who wants me the first time. I didn’t get that and I’ve never recovered from it. 
 

ive read a lot about the hurt of affairs ranging in time, that it can be overcome, and yet I struggle most days mentally. Like I’m letting myself down, that I don’t have the backbone for it. I don’t want to be alone .. my friends all have someone. That isn’t a reason to stay with someone but I’m afraid. I guess I’m spineless. 

My Nan and gramp have been together for 60 years. I always think I want that but is that just idilic and unrealistic in the modern day? My Nan wouldn’t have been tempted by insta O’s and the like (ha). 
 

I think I’m totally ranting here but, it’s just that feeling of shame at yourself. Knowing what the right thing to do is in ending it as she didn’t respect me enough, but not being capable of doing that. 
I’d like to say to her defence, tho I would say it as I am a soft git - the last year she’s tried very hard. She recognises her flaws. She has previous for hurting partners and I think she’s grown up from that and I think she wants to settle down, that’s why she’s here, still trying despite me being mean to her. 
I find myself resenting her, we could argue over something so small. Today it was shoes for a wedding for her family. I didn’t know what a dress shoe was, I felt a bit small that she said I had to buy shoes and I told her to shut up when she persisted. I’m snappy, I try to tell her I’m still recovering from previous things and that I have resentment for what she did and feeling second best.

 

I guess we were in the honeymoon phase, but prior to me reading she wanted him back I had never spoken to her like that. Now I’m pretty ruthless. Whilst she does live here, I don’t tip toe around the hurt that’s been inflicted. What kind of deceitful character it takes to bury things and move on. 
.

She deserves better than to relive her past errors as she does. 
I deserved better in the first instance.

 

SO NOW HERE I AM. I call into question if she was loyal when she worked away. Is the moment you argue with your gf about a lie detector test the moment you realise ur actually losing the plot? 
 

Does anyone else just sit and fabricate horrendous versions of events in their head? Man. I’m really not this guy. I’m turnin 30 soon. I’m lucky I’ve got no responsibilities this is a childlike headspace 

 

welcome any opinions, I understand it was real scattered thought. To all out there struggling , or just reading this to help others, thank you all. If your intentions are sincere. Thank you. 

 

Edited April 29, 2021 by SloppySponge
Typos plus more ranting

[glows]

If you don't look at her the same way or no longer respect her, I think you know what to do. 

Bear in mind that love and affection can exist for someone despite there being a loss of respect for that person. We can't help but still feel some affection. Once that respect is out the door, it's finished. She lost your respect by trying to chat up an ex but you've been in denial about it for awhile. I think it's damaging to both of you to keep carrying on this charade if you can't appreciate what you DO have right now. If you think it's a farce and not real and that trust is permanently broken, don't waste either of your time. 

I'm sorry this is happening, by the way. Very few people end long term relationships ecstatic and fearless. There is always some fear there, fear of the unknown, fear of all those broken dreams and loss of expectations. You pick up and you start again. I wouldn't keep blinding myself though to thinking that things are fine when they are not.

If you thought your girlfriend was one thing and then she was something else trying to connect with her ex and YOU are saying you're one thing (loyal to the relationship) and yet you are not deep down, how different are you from her? 

[SloppySponge]

Hi friend. Thank you for replying when you did. I was thinking of deleting the post. Thank you.

 

I’d say to your last paragraph that I am loyal to the relationship. I love her and nobody but her. If we broke up it would be for nobody else. To be honest despite knowing what the right thing for us both would be, I don’t have the conviction to do it right now. I love her. I want to come home and watch peaky blinders or whatever crap it is this week, and have fajitas on Thursdays and be settled and I want those things. 
 

im hurting though as she wanted something else. Now she wants it. She tries really hard. I’m grateful for her love and efforts to work on the relationship. It’s just hard when the damage has been done. It’s like I can say to her let’s try really hard and 5 days go by and we argue on something that previously in honeymoon land wasn’t an issue and it is now. 
 

 

[FMW]

It's normal to continue to want all the good things about your relationship and to wish you didn't know what you now know.  But you can't unread those messages. 

The question is do you think you will get past this lack of trust and feeling hurt and resentful?  Honestly, most people couldn't, they would feel exactly how you're feeling.  When your idea of who someone is or what your relationship is has been shattered, it will never be the same, you can't go back to what you thought you had.  

If I read your post correctly, it seems that you saw those messages two years ago (one year into being together for 3 years).  If that's true, it's unlikely your feelings about it will change.    

 

[SloppySponge]

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

It's normal to continue to want all the good things about your relationship and to wish you didn't know what you now know.  But you can't unread those messages. 

The question is do you think you will get past this lack of trust and feeling hurt and resentful?  Honestly, most people couldn't, they would feel exactly how you're feeling.  When your idea of who someone is or what your relationship is has been shattered, it will never be the same, you can't go back to what you thought you had.  

If I read your post correctly, it seems that you saw those messages two years ago (one year into being together for 3 years).  If that's true, it's unlikely your feelings about it will change.    

 

Thank you for your reply. 
 

timeline: meet summer of 2018... depart nov 2018... soon as she’s home she returns to him. Or tries. Spends Xmas & NY with me - he didn’t want her. Goes away on contract Feb-Sep 2019. We are now a LDR. Returns home Sep2019, moves to me straight away. I read that message April 2020.... “are you still there?” “No I’ll never be there again go away “ - sent a month before I read it.

 

worst part - from the moment he said no that time to the moment I read the message we were absolutely better than ever. It’s like she was released from whatever shackles he had. And she committed to me. but she didn’t cover her tracks. 
 

thank you again. Tryin to give you more context and appreciate your input. You middle paragraph was perfect - I relate to that. I hope I can move past it I don’t like upheaval. I’m a year into the feelin of it tho and I’m up at night writing about It. I’m coming away at the seams a little. Lol. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

This is a hard one.  
I think communication and honesty is really important in a relationship.

Do you have these in your relationship?  If so then the only way through the forest is to talk to her about it.

‘Trust has been broken.  There will always be a question of whether she really “chose” you or if she is settling for you until she finds something better.

You talk to her and work to get that peace of mind that she is making a choice to be with you vs it is comfortable and safe so she is there for the ride.

You say she has changed for the better but yet you seem to have changed for the worse.  Nobody deserves to be treated badly and you should be ashamed for treating her badly.

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give your partner.  Does she deserve this gift from you?  If so you should give it to her and don’t look back.  If you cannot then don’t waste more time.  Just end it.  Maybe a separation will give you the space to disengage and clear your mind.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Wow. Sorry this happened. Sucks to discover she's had one foot out the door the entire time.

Perhaps you can work through it but decide if you want to be with someone who would rather be elsewhere and if you want to be with someone who could drop you like a hot rock if Mr ex or something better comes along.

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, SloppySponge said:

My Nan wouldn’t have been tempted by insta O’s and the like (ha). 

Your Nan isn't about to tell you what she wrestled with regarding outside romance and the technology of her youth.

I can guarantee you, their marriage has been through some abysmal lows that you're not entitled to know about.

Quote

when summer ended, I returned home, sally went back to her home we stayed in touch I wanted it. She wanted her ex back. When he wasn’t interested (after they were intimate her ofc) she came back to me. We have now been together for almost 3 years.

Fact of the matter with this chick you're with is: she wasn't emotionally available to you when you let her move in with you and you knew it, but chose to ignore it.  They weren't together because she wasn't interested: they weren't together because he wasn't interested. That fact kept niggling at you until you snooped her phone and confirmed the truth you knew all along when you let her move in. That is on you--you could have easily told her "no".

It's time for her to move out and get her own place. She isn't the one.

Edited April 30, 2021 by kendahke