Asian man wants to date Caucasian women - how much stereotype fighting am I faced with?

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Garcon1986 said:

I don't look very kindly upon folks who play the game of "I need to know that you're real",

Why?
OLD is full of strangers, why wouldn't a woman try to protect herself from those up to no good?
You KNOW you are real, she doesn't KNOW that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

People who say "go back to where you came from" to foreign looking people are not likely to date them. 

That has zero to do with attraction and dating. 

You can't put politics in a blender with attraction.

Maybe a half a century ago dating outside of one's culture/race was an issue but in the US and in most metro areas it isn't.

My point is, if the OP is a physician he should have ample opportunity to find dates and inexperience may have more to do with it than rural v. metro.

[jspice]

Being a physician means nothing if you’re not attractive or lack confidence or have restrictive data criteria like “She must be White”.

Not sure why the men are going on and on about you being a doctor. If a woman is going to date you only because you’re a doctor without any regard for your other shortcomings, she’s probably going to make a crap partner. 
 

Perhaps it’s what you deserve anyway since you want people to “overlook” that you’re Chinese but you won’t “overlook” that women in your dating pool are Chinese. You don’t want to date Chinese women and the majority of White women don’t want to date Chinese men. 🤷🏽‍♀️

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1536504218812869

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe a half a century ago dating outside of one's culture/race was an issue but in the US and in most metro areas it isn't. 

My post was addressed to the OP.  Please don't hijack it. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by basil67

[Garcon1986]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where were you brought up/educated?

If you are in Chicago and a physician, you shouldn't have issues getting dates.

Keep in mind dating is not a politically correct situation or "woke" situation.

Attraction and dating is a personal gut level thing .

You seem way too pressured and focused on your own ethnicity.

Do you have your own place? Does your family pressure you to date within your culture?

You seem to be rebelling against something in your own mind.

 

I have lived in 5 countries but most recently am in the United States. 
Not in Chicago but close enough, that I can easily drive to Chicago. Don't know why I am so unappealing on my profile haha. This should be a no-brainer. 
I have been very close to snagging the types of dates that I want but it seems so out of reach. Essentially I want someone geeky at their job, who doesn't do a bunch of indirect communication (I'm really scared of a lady suddenly turning around and telling me "You've changed" without warning, and being upset that I can't read her mind). 
I have my own apartment and am leading my own life as far as I know. 
The thing I'm rebelling against is the stereotypical chiseled charismatic man who can get the attention of most anyone, plus the rise in Anti-Asian sentiment in the US. Its just so frustrating trying to get to that level of charisma. My family does indirectly pressure me to date in my own culture; they've tried to introduce me to Americans but its just so depressing hearing those folks say, well, he needs to date his own people. 

[chillii]

Shame really op you not being into Chinese women although l understand why but none the less. They can be some of the most stunning women on the planet though , l wonder if you were to come across the right one would you still feel the same.

ps , lm sorry about the anti Asian sentiment about there for you , must be terrible , but hopefully at least not personal .

Edited May 1, 2021 by chillii

[Garcon1986]

14 minutes ago, chillii said:

Shame really op you not being into Chinese women although l understand why but none the less. They can be some of the most stunning women on the planet though , l wonder if you were to come across the right one would you still feel the same.

ps , lm sorry about the anti Asian sentiment about there for you , must be terrible , but hopefully at least not personal .

I can enjoy being around Chinese women who have a lot of American traits. I will try to search for them. 

[chillii]

Yeah exactly , there'd be a lot that have grown up there just like you.

[elaine567]

Do Chinese women in general see you as attractive or are you struggling there too?

[Garcon1986]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Do Chinese women in general see you as attractive or are you struggling there too?

As far as I can tell they like being around me, I will dig around to see if I can find one with mutual compatibility. 

[glows]

40 minutes ago, Garcon1986 said:

The thing I'm rebelling against is the stereotypical chiseled charismatic man who can get the attention of most anyone, plus the rise in Anti-Asian sentiment in the US. Its just so frustrating trying to get to that level of charisma. My family does indirectly pressure me to date in my own culture; they've tried to introduce me to Americans but its just so depressing hearing those folks say, well, he needs to date his own people. 

That is myopic, racist and rude. I can see the issue. Why not consider moving to another city? 

Edited May 1, 2021 by glows

[Garcon1986]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

That is myopic, racist and rude. I can see the issue. Why not consider moving to another city? 

Close to Chicago. Banking on being able to find someone compatible there. 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Garcon1986 said:

Close to Chicago. Banking on being able to find someone compatible there. 

So keep finding likeminded. When it comes to dating, it sounds like you've conditioned your mind to fallback on these shortcomings, whatever they are in your mind. That negative feedback loop of not feeling good enough, racist and negative comments from others, stop all that. Try to at least or silence them. I think you're letting years of racism get to you and colour your view of dating. It's already difficult enough as it is finding someone we can connect with on a deeper level. Why accept racist attitudes as well? 

I live in a very multicultural society with a ton of immigrants. I was walking down the street the other day behind an elderly couple and the woman (in her late 60s) made a remark so repulsive, she herself snapped her head around her to take a look if anyone overheard what she said. It was that a particular race "stinks" because of what they cook and that (named) race should just go back to their own country. I'm ambiguous-looking (can blend into any crowd) so I smiled at her but she knew that I heard what she said. 

I already know people think this way and I'm not one to bother with a stranger. She knew what she said was wrong but she said it anyway. 

What I'm saying is that people will think a certain way no matter what you do even when they know it's racist or alienating. If you're a doctor, start hanging around other doctors and mingle with others who are more educated and traveled. See what others are up to in your community or neighbourhood. If it was so easy to find a match, wouldn't people who want a partner be already partnered? Do get rid of that negative loop.. I think it's frustrating to live that way. We can always learn from each other but always find likeminded and move more towards those people.

 

[mark clemson]

^^ and these, of course, are the people OP wants nothing to do with anyhow. They will seek those of like mind (or at least of like skin color/ethnicity only).  🤮

Dating prefs are dating prefs, but prejudice of course is much deeper (and more problematic) than that.

Edited May 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Garcon1986 said:

I have lived in 5 countries but most recently am in the United States. Not in Chicago but close enough, that I can easily drive to Chicago. My family does indirectly pressure me to date in my own culture.

Ok, you're your own man, so make sure you have a good profile and pics and just start talking to and meeting women. Try not to confuse the usual frustrations of online dating with anything personal. A lot of flaky people, one-and-done meets, ghosting,  etc. Just message and meet the ones you are interested in.

[chillii]

On 5/1/2021 at 10:50 PM, Garcon1986 said:

I have lived in 5 countries but most recently am in the United States. 
Not in Chicago but close enough, that I can easily drive to Chicago. Don't know why I am so unappealing on my profile haha. This should be a no-brainer. 
I have been very close to snagging the types of dates that I want but it seems so out of reach. Essentially I want someone geeky at their job, who doesn't do a bunch of indirect communication (I'm really scared of a lady suddenly turning around and telling me "You've changed" without warning, and being upset that I can't read her mind). 
I have my own apartment and am leading my own life as far as I know. 
The thing I'm rebelling against is the stereotypical chiseled charismatic man who can get the attention of most anyone, plus the rise in Anti-Asian sentiment in the US. Its just so frustrating trying to get to that level of charisma. My family does indirectly pressure me to date in my own culture; they've tried to introduce me to Americans but its just so depressing hearing those folks say, well, he needs to date his own people. 

 

But why on earth would you worry about competing with some chiseled charismatic type , that would only be about 10% of most men populations anywhere if that, and the women they could then go for would be about the same . The other 90% of women or men go out with their rough equivalent l guess within the rest of the population. Most of people don't waste their time competing with the mythical likes of mr or mrs chisel.

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by chillii

[Gaeta]

Online dating is brutal for everyone to start with so you have to accept it will be time consuming and frustrating. I don't know how long you've been online but I'm a caucasian woman, good looking, I had tons of dates when I was online and it still took me 3 years to find a suitable boyfriend. 

Why not tell everyone around, your friends and colleagues, that you are single and looking. You'll have better chance and probably will meet better quality women that way. 

[dramafreezone]

On 4/29/2021 at 5:41 PM, Garcon1986 said:

Hi, I'm a brand new physician in Illinois looking for a long term relationship. Unfortunately I failed to develop my interpersonal skills at the same time so I'm the classic late bloomer. 
Thankfully I've had a few relationships as a physician trainee so I am familiar with the basics of a healthy relationship. 

Problem is - I've run up against what I think are dating stereotypes again and again. 
I feel like expressing my preference towards Caucasian women is equivalent to apologizing for my sexuality. I know this is a very horrible thing to say but I like Caucasian folks because I've spent every year of my life beyond 3yo outside of China. 
I have tried many times to relate with Chinese women but it is so hard to have that "click" that people talk about. I do quite a bit better with Chinese women brought up in the US but, the mind still wanders to Caucasian folks. 

I've heard - if I don't think you're hot, it's not going to work. 
I've heard - I don't think of you that way. 
I've heard - I have absolutely no feelings for you. 
I've heard - people can't control who they are attracted to. 
As you all know the rise of anti-Asian sentiment in the United States is extremely bad right now, but fortunately I've not been personally attacked yet. 
Asian women have a much, much easier time getting their pick of Caucasian men than the other way around. 
The OKCupid study on the desirability of Asian men was deeply depressing.

I've gotten wonderful interactions with some people in my life that I am really, really attracted to, but dating was just out of reach due to it being a work relationship, or they were just committed already. So my social skills are not totally useless. 

So - for those who have cracked the code of biracial dating, how did you do it? 
Thank you.
 

That's totally fine for you to have your preference of Caucasian women.  And I'm glad that you're out there dating.

But understand this, just because you're attracted to someone doesn't mean they will be attracted to you.  It sounds like common sense, but I think you may think like I used to, in that if you just like them enough and are nice enough, that they'll like you.  Attraction doesn't work like that.

We cannot pick who we are attracted to, so whoever told you that was 100% correct.  The key is ONLY pursue women who are interested in you.  You can then decide if they are a match for you.  If they're not interested, doesn't matter how much you're attracted to them, leave them be.  Doesn't have anything to do with dating stereotypes, you're just not purusing the right women for you.

You're a physician for goodness sakes.  If you're not near Chicago, I would move so that the numbers work in your favor.  There are plenty of women that would walk across burning coals to have a chance with you, more than you could possibly ever date.  Understand your worth, and a bit of cockiness would not a bad thing in your case.  You should carry some aura of confidence that conveys that you know you're a catch.  You have to believe it before anyone else will.

It's going to take some time to find them but it's just a matter of time.  Just don't waste time on the women that aren't attracted to you.

[Blind-Sided]

Not to sound harsh.... but I think half of the problem is with your expectations.   You clearly say you want to date a Caucasian girl.  Why are you stuck on that?   If you open your horizons... then you will have better luck. 

Now... if you say... "That just the kind of girl I'm attracted to".... then you can't dismiss the comments said to you......

On 4/29/2021 at 8:41 PM, Garcon1986 said:

I've heard - if I don't think you're hot, it's not going to work. 
I've heard - I don't think of you that way. 
I've heard - I have absolutely no feelings for you. 
I've heard - people can't control who they are attracted to. 

Because you are basically saying the same thing to non-Caucasian women.  

And finally... reading your posts... I just get the feeling you expect it to be a transactional kind of experience.  You are pretty.... so I'll take you.   How may dates have you gone on?  Because, you may have to go on a lot before you "Click" with someone. 

As far as "Cracking the code"... if you are of typical Asian stature... you may have a hard time with Caucasian girls.  Most of them are looking for a big guy that makes them feel safe.  (+6' tall and +190 lbs)  where as.... most non-Caucasian girls I've dated... they didn't seem to care as much.  (unless the girl was also tall)

Anyway... relax and just go on some dates without expectations.  you will find someone.

Edited May 4, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[dramafreezone]

4 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

Not to sound harsh.... but I think half of the problem is with your expectations.   You clearly say you want to date a Caucasian girl.  Why are you stuck on that?   If you open your horizons... then you will have better luck. 

Now... if you say... "That just the kind of girl I'm attracted to".... then you can't dismiss the comments said to you......

Because you are basically saying the same thing to non-Caucasian women.  

And finally... reading your posts... I just get the feeling you expect it to be a transactional kind of experience.  You are pretty.... so I'll take you.   How may dates have you gone on?  Because, you may have to go on a lot before you "Click" with someone. 

As far as "Cracking the code"... if you are of typical Asian stature... you may have a hard time with Caucasian girls.  Most of them are looking for a big guy that makes them feel safe.  (+6' tall and +190 lbs)  where as.... most non-Caucasian girls I've dated... they didn't seem to care as much.  (unless the girl was also tall)

Anyway... relax and just go on some dates without expectations.  you will find someone.

Caucasian women is his preference.  I would never tell anyone to compromise on their preferences.  He can't control who he's attracted to.  It's his expectations that need tweaking, as well as his mindset.  If he thinks he's going to get Margot Robbie he's dreaming.

There are plenty of Asian men (even of "typical Asian stature) that are dating and married to Caucasian women.  He's a physician too which works in his favor.  Biggest thing holding him back is his feelings of inadequacy.  He gets rid of that, it's just a matter of time before he finds his right match.

And what else is he really going to go on if he doesn't even know the woman?  Yeah it's her beauty, and there's nothing wrong with that.