Another porn addict....

[whattodo873]

I'm not sure if he's addicted persay....I look at porn myself from time to time...It never bothered me much that he had porn until recently. My boyfriend is into Celeb Porn. I've known this from the day we started dating. I didn't know how MUCH he liked it though. Seems we cannot watch a normal movie together without him going to his computer to look up a new actress to see her naked. As I realized how much he was into this, I can't stand watching TV with him as I can't tell if hes interested in the show, or if hes remembering to d/l naked pics of her later. As soon as I'm asleep or not home, or out with friends, he's got a whole new set of porn. He knows I'm on his comp often, he knows I've seen his porn collection. He's never stated that this bothers him. My problem is this....About a month ago I found about 15 files on his comp of kiddie porn. Not talking "hot young teens" that are really 20 but look young. We're talking 5 yr olds, 10 yr olds, and this was in the title of the file, not like he could have d/l it and not have known. It was deleted the night i found it. In denial, I shrugged it off to maybe he put it on there to see if I found it so he could say he didn't like me snooping on his comp. This would be an extreme way to do this however, but you never know how someone's mind works. Then I thought maybe he just had a brain fart and wanted to know what such porn was like and he got sickened by the fact that he was even remotely interested after the fact and deleted it. Today I found another file called "Teen twins PTHC" PTHC stands for Pre Teen Hard Core. I cannot d/l the file to see what it is, and he has deleted it. He is doing searches on Kazaa for PTHC. If i do this search myself, it pulls up again, 5, 6 10, 11 year olds...with a 18 yr old mixed in every now and then. In my opinion, if he were looking for young looking girls in porn, he wouldnt' be doing a PTHC search...We've been together 2 years. I've never in those 2 years told him no for sex. So I guess it hurts that instead of coming to bed with me to have sex, he stays up late to look at porn. I don't understand if you had your choice between sex with a real person, and sex with yourself, why its a hard decision. I'm always open to new stuff and he knows this. I don't know if his normal addiction is "normal" or "addiction" I'm also blown away by this kiddie crap....and so lost as to what to do..

[wtf_to_do]

My husband is doing the EXACT same thing. I've been dealing with this stuff for almost 3 years, and I can tell you it doesn't get better. We just had another blow up this morning when I woke up to find him at the computer, AGAIN. I think the worst part of the whole thing is not being able to talk to ANYone about it. It's just not one of those things you bring up in conversation, ya know? I'm at a loss for any solution. I've cried, I've begged, I've screamed until I can't anymore. I've tried to tell him what he's risking, the cops kicking in our door and the public humiliation, prison... nothing seems to sink in!! I've tried guilt, shame, and it seems to work in the moment, until the next time. I've put filters on my computer, installed spyware, put parental locks and controls and it doesn't seem to matter. OMG, to know that I'm not alone is such a relief, I have to tell you. My biggest fear is that it's going to take the worst case scenario for him to finally get it, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[hooghie]

Both of you have men who get off from watching CHILDREN. This is very very very dangerous. A guy who is turned on by children isn't going to suddenly NOT be turned on by them. Look at the stats with pedofiles- they NEVER CHANGE.

Have you seen your man with REAL children? How does he behave? I hope you know that POSSESSION of child port is against the law.

 

whattodo873: DUMP HIM. You will feel pain for some time, but nothing compared to the pain you will feel if you stay with him.

 

WTF_to_do: You have been fighting about this for 3 years. Either accept it, or leave him. He will NOT change. And by all means don't have children with him and don't let him be alone with children.

[Outcast]

Report them to the police and drop them. Possession of child porn is a crime most places. This isn't your everyday stuff - this is sick and twisted and you don't need a relationship with them. You don't need them near your kids or your nieces and nephews or anybody else. They need a very serious wake-up call and that will come when the police come knocking at their door.

 

What the hell are you two women thinking???? DROP THESE CREEPS!!!!

[zorro66]

Just an average Joe here. I've snagged my share of pics and vids, always something fun to trade at the network/lan parties; but I digress.

 

I've come across plenty of this 'pthc' stuff, but don't assume from the title your man is into child pr0n unless you actually see the images. Files get renamed and porn distribs try to cash in on the latest and greatest buzzwords and shock value. Faces of death for example will often return pr0n, and all you wanted was a motorcycle crash or something.

 

Also don't know how much you all use filesharing but kazaa in particular can show multiple filenames under teh same file, it happens. I've read that kazaa blocks searches for phrases like pthc and preteen but I just fired up K++ and it let me search no problem.

 

If your hubby is actually getting off on child porn you should throw his ass out before you get into legal trouble yourself. There's also the shotgun approach (turning them in to the police who do a raid) or the other shotgun approach, which can land you in legal trouble again...

 

Laters

 

- zorro66

[Joe Tex]

I don't understand if you had your choice between sex with a real person, and sex with yourself, why its a hard decision.

 

 

Because fantasy is always better than reality. That's why porn is a multi billion dollar business.

[RecordProducer]

Women often say they would leave their guys if they slapped them once, cheated or lied... I say this too, but I can't be 100% sure I would leave them...

 

However, I know one thing for sure: I would be grossed out and immediately divorce a person who would be interested in watching or having sex with little children. Porn with girls age 13-15 is disgusting enough, but 5 or 6? OMG!

 

These men are very sick. Don't let your children be alone around them if you have any. They probably fantasize about having sex with these kids! Why else would they be turned on by watching it? It would break my heart to see a child being raped, I wouldn't even watch it as a documentary film unless I was a journalist and had to write an article about it.

 

They might even act upon their desires, which makes them potential criminals. Sex with children is a heavy crime. You should think of the little chidren who they might have raped and try and find out the truth about it. If you're suspicious, dig out the truth and report them to the police.

 

There was a woman on LS who claimed that he marriage was great until she suspected that her husband was cheating on her after 10 years. It turned out that he had molested her daughter from her first marriage since she was age 8 until 18 (so basically throughout their entire relationship).

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

 

"PTHC" is a keyword commonly used to search for or identify child pornography on file sharing networks. see also: r@ygold, hussyfan, mclt, lolita)

The keyword has become sufficiently well-known that it is rarely used to identify actual child porn; most files with the keyword show legal but young looking performers in an attempt to attract individuals looking for child porn.

The Kazaa file-sharing software does not allow searches for the keyword, but Shareaza, Limewire, Bearshare, and WinMX do.

It is sometimes speculated that "PTHC" stands for Preteen Hardcore.

[Unsure in VA]

10 days ago using my fiances (we've been living together 6 mo) comp I accidentally (looking for photos he'd offloaded from my camera of a family visit) came across 14-15 yr old girl porn. I decided to give it time - a week, check back, and see if there was more, and there was. I calmly confronted him got some lies, and waited 24 hrs. then revisited refusing to accept the lies. He admitted dl in curiosity and then continuing for the past 5d mo. The truth came out, and he scrubbed his hd, all files were previously deleted and I waited to see his course of action while I researched and soulsearched. We talked again and I asked him to leave that night. We met last night and talked, he'd done his homework, acknowledged the problem and is setting up counseling. He realizes he needs answers from within about why, and this is a couples thing for counseling from what I can tell. What I've read is that this is nearly impossible to solve, he's 51 I'm 54, so I don't want to spend the next ten years dealing with relapses. Has anyone seriously worked through this and had success? or am I fooling myself? he has volunteered my access to his comp, but I don't want to be the police in my own home. thoughts? advice?

[LN8840K]

I think porn is addicting and you only become more twisted and perverted as time passes ....

 

first you're happy looking at topless women, next thing you know you're not getting off unless the scene involves handcuffs, ceiling fans and farm animals.

the final step is when you're calling hookers and renting donkeys

 

my point being, and I think most people, need more and more stimulation for the same effect, how long does it take to go from kiddie porn to full fledged child molester ?

[morphius]

For f***s sake, what are you even doing posting about this, this spells DANGER in big capital letters.

A quick phonecall to the local Police will have him locked up, Kidde porn is not only really f***ing sick but also highly illegal.

[skantechtech]

I feel for you. I am in the same boat. I discovered a year ago that my husband was a porn addict, while I was pregnant with our beautiful little girl. I have tried to convince him since to seek help, but he won't do it. He is also into kiddie stuff. I want to divorce him, but he hides it so well now, I don't have evidence of his actions to turn him in. I fear if I divorce him that he will have full visitation rights to her. I thought about setting up a nanny cam to watch his activity while I am away from the house. I just can't figure out how I will hide it and I really don't have the money for such things. He is working, I am home with her. I am at the point that I am no longer sexually attracted to him. I have researched sexual addictions greatly since my discovery. If he doesn't want help I know I can't help him.

[skantechtech]

He's addicted. There is nothing you can do sexually to satisfy him. Porn addiction creates chemical reactions in the brain that simulate that of drug addictions. He needs help. Professional help. But he has to want to get rid of this addiction. If he doesn't want to, you should remove yourself from this relationship before you are stuck in a situation like I am.

[Addict in recovery]

First, please understand that I'm writing purely about myself and from my experience.

 

With that said, I've found, to my surprise, that many people have similar stories to mine. I'm a 40-something male sex addict (sometimes called a sexaholic), and I've acted out using pornography of all types, and compulsive and chronic masturbation for more than thirty years.

 

Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book _Out of the Shadows_ writes about the "addict's moment." It's the moment where time stands still; where the sex addict knows he's been caught. It's when he sees a police car pull into his driveway, and he knows why it's there. It's when he receives a telephone call from the Department of Children's Services telling him that his child won't be coming home from school that day. Or in my case, it was the moment when I was mowing the lawn, and I heard my wife call me in a cracking voice that began as a whisper and ended as a sob and I saw that she was using the computer.

 

She had found child pornography. It was child porn that I had downloaded that morning, child porn that I learned how to find on my own and through Internet chat conversations with other porn users. Generally I would view it, and get rid of it right away, feeling horrible about myself for even seeking it. Yet I kept seeking it. And now, on this day when she asked me to let her use the computer and I didn't have time to erase it, she had found me out.

 

When I saw the dozen or so images that remained on the disk, I started to cry, "That's not me! That's not me!". And I meant it. It didn't feel like I had retrieved those images, even though I was well aware that I had. But I didn't pretend that I hadn't downloaded them, which is what I had done when she had previously found bestiality, group sex, BDSM, and other varieties of extreme porn I had been viewing. Those times she seemed to believe my denial, my fortress of lies, and she probably believed me because she wanted to think that I was the man she loved and whom she wanted to love her.

 

But this day, there were no lies I could tell any more. I knew that I had crossed a line and done what I had told myself, again and again, that I would never do again, but did anyway.

 

You see, not only did I feed my wife The Big Lie about my porn usage, over and over again. I fed it to myself, and worse, I believed it, living a double life and pretending that I was just an ordinary man with a strong desire to explore the Internet.

 

I spent that day avoiding my wife, and she me. The next day was a holiday. I went to work.

 

I went into my office and got on the Internet to research two things: breaking free of compulsive use of pornography, and painless suicide. I sought these because I knew that the life that I had led was over. What came next either had to be a life that was honest and porn-free, or biological death. On that day I felt that either would suffice; I had no preference either way.

 

I realize that I didn't start this way. It had begun more simply, as an only child in an alcoholic household, with lots of unsupervised time. I had the time to find my dad's stash of Playboy magazines as an 8 year old boy, having been encouraged by an older friend to seek for them as he had done in his house. It continued through high school, when my friends and I traded Penthouse and Club magazines, and snuck into porn movies underage, as a naughty prank. It grew in college, when I couldn't get started in the morning without masturbating, and after graduation when I began buying hardcore magazines and renting porn video tapes. It reached its fruition with the arrival of the Internet, first through pornographic newsgroups, later through websites, on a slow dial-up connection, and then using a high-speed cable modem. And on the net, there was always more to find -- and I always wanted to find more.

 

And what I found! Things that seemed unimaginable only a few years before were there for the asking, and at no cost besides the connection fee -- if you were smart enough to know how to find them. I got over my repulsion, and set aside my morals, stepping outside the bounds of right and wrong. I learned to hack into websites that others had to pay for. I discovered ways of finding images that no search-engine could reveal. I sought it, I traded it, I gave it away to others in chat rooms, where I found out from those men, who I discovered were much like me, how to get more.

 

Then, a few years before my moment arrived, I bought a laptop computer and began using a wireless modem. Within a year, I was spending at least an hour every day, away from my wife, downloading porn and masturbating. When she was away, I could spend an entire day looking at online porn, reading pornographic stories, and masturbating. Our frequency of sex diminished with my masturbation habit depleting my ability to perform with her -- and she knew why, or pretty much.

 

She wanted me to stop. She tried nagging me, but that only made me defensive and resistant. She tried to make herself more sexually responsive to me, but I considered this an unappealing phonyness in her -- as though I was leading a _genuine_ life! She told me that she wanted me to share my pornography with her, so that she could participate, but I knew that I could not do that. If I had, she would have been repulsed by what I was looking at, and rightfully so.

 

The problem was, enough never seemed to be enough. For every image I saw, I always wanted another one, and that one needed to be more hardcore, more extreme, and eventually, illegal. No longer were pretty girls in bikinis even interesting to me. I needed a bigger rush, a shock to the system, and what I can only describe as the trance-state that I got when I slid into the images and masturbated slowly for hours at a time.

 

In more lucid moments, I did wonder what was happening to me. I couldn't understand why porn and masturbation had such a hold on me. After all, I reasoned, in fifteen years of marriage I had never so much as kissed another woman. Even in chat rooms, I preferred to chat with other men who wanted to discuss porn and trade it, or to chat about sexual fantasies and experiences. I rarely chatted with women, and I didn't want to. After all, that would be cheating on my wife!

 

So on that holiday that I sat at my desk at work, I read an article about whether pornography addiction was real. I also read about a process for stopping pornography use. Then I found two more resources, both 12-step groups: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, at http://www.slaafws.org/ , and Sexaholics Anonymous, at http://www.sa.org/ .

 

I attended my first Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting the following night, and I went to a second the next night. The following weekend, I began my association with Sexaholics Anonymous at a Saturday morning meeting that I have not missed since I began going, and with whom I've since attended an incredibly uplifting retreat. Through these programs I met men who had done what I've done; and men and women who have had affairs, and affairs on their affairs, and who had affairs on the fiances whom their spouses never knew about. Among us, we've spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes, strip clubs, adult bookshops; we've prostituted ourselves, we've given ourselves away. We did all of these things, and every time we did them, we said it would be the last time. It was -- until the next time.

 

None of us were satisfied with any of these things, yet we felt we just couldn't stop. We have only been able to stop once we realized that we were true addicts, and committed ourselves to our programs of recovery, wholly and completely, because "half measures availed us nothing."

 

Also on that holiday, I began looking for a therapist. I found one later that week, and I've been seeing him once a week for six months. He's helped me look beyond myself, and into myself, to understand both how my behaviors affect others around me, and also to learn how those behaviors came about.

 

I've begun to remember myself as a boy, and as a teenager, and to think about what I would say were I today to meet myself as a child. I think it would be something like, "Come on, let's go for a hike, let's go for a bike ride, let's go for a swim!". It would be something that would pull that young man out of the shell he was in, and to pull down the wall he was building around himself, the wall that he needed to insulate himself from a family whose attention was sometimes neglectful, sometimes loving, sometimes physically abusive, and always chaotic and inconsistent.

 

What's most amazing to me is that I am still married. Without begging, pleading or cajoling, and with the expectation that she would leave me, my wife decided to stay -- thank God! She has been attending her own 12-step group, S-Anon (http://www.sanon.org/), where she has learned that she is neither responsible for, nor able to change my sexually addictive behaviors, and where she is encouraged to maintain her integrity as a person, rather than to feel she must lower her standards of decency to maintain a relationship with an addict.

 

She has been as supportive as she could be for me -- she has gone beyond the cause of duty by any reasonable standard -- and although we have had some very difficult times these past months, our relationship is much better than it was then, and better than it has been for years. Today, there is growing honesty and openness in our relationship, even though we know we have a long way to go. But never before have I been so hopeful.

 

You might wonder why she didn't turn me over to the police, once she found those images. She certainly had the right to do that, but she chose not to, instead waiting to see whether I would begin to change at last. I'm glad she didn't, of course, but whether she did or not, when my "addict's moment" came, I was thoroughly prepared for whatever would happen. I was prepared to die, remember, and I knew just how I was going to make that happen.

 

I don't like to give advice, because I have enough to work on without telling someone else how to live his or her life. I think, instead, that if you are someone who is going through a crisis, either because of your own sexual compulsions, or because you're in a relationship with someone whom you believe might suffer a sexual addiction, you should find other people who've been through this process and who have survived. They are out there. For addicts, try SLAA or SA, or Sex Addicts Anonymous (http://www.saa-recovery.org/). For partners, try S-Anon. You might also find this article, " Helping wives deal with a husband who's into pornography" (http://www.sarr.org/coaddicts/dealing_with_a_husband.htm) helpful.

 

The one piece of advice that I will give you is this: don't NOT do something. If you or your partner has issues of sexual compulsion, they will not improve without working on them. The good news is, they will get better, if you are willing to work at making them better, in the fellowship of others who deal with the same problem and who seek the same hope every day. You can join with them, in their journey and yours. Whether you do is up to you.

[Toni_no12002]

That post really moved me.Im glad everything worked out for you!

 

To be honset i think porn is like a drug.Is it worth all the hurt and pain?

[Addict in recovery]

That post really moved me.Im glad everything worked out for you!

 

To be honset i think porn is like a drug. Is it worth all the hurt and pain?

 

Thanks for your comments, and I'm glad that they had an affect upon you (a positive one, I assume).

 

But let's not jump to conclusions ... I'm still a "work in progress"! <smile> I've really come to embrace the idea of "one day, at a time." Time will tell whether everything works out, though I hope it does. And today is a good day!

 

As for your question --

 

The way I see it is this: some people are diabetic. They have to be very careful about their blood sugar, so as not to become gravely ill. Other people are alcoholics. For them, one drink is one drink too many. An alcoholic simply cannot take one drink.

 

For me, porn is a drug, masturbation is a drug. They are toxic to me, even though I like them. I am exactly like the alcoholic who would like to drink, and who wants to control his or her drinking, but who has learned that he or she cannot after a long history of failed attempts, and the disasters those failures have wrought in his or her life.

 

Why this is so? Are we constitutionally weak? Are we born this way? Did something in our childhood make us like this? Or does the question of _why_ really matter? I think it doesn't. It's enough to say that, for me, porn and masturbation were used by me as drugs, and as someone who wants to recover from their use, I can't use them.

 

This is why I don't bother attacking the porn industry, any more than alcoholics want to shut down all the pubs. I can imagine that there are people in this world who can incorporate erotic images, writings, and so on, into their healthy relationship with other human beings. Whether there are these happy people, I don't know. All I can say for sure is, I'm not one of them, and now I know a lot of other people who aren't in that group, either.

 

By the way: in saying that, please don't take it that I'm condoning abhorrent pornography. My behavior went way beyond what is acceptable, and that's my own doing, not the fault of the commercial porn industry, the Internet, or what have you. On the other hand, people who do what I've done need to be accountable for their actions, and I am trying to be.

[Toni_no12002]

I did mean it in a positive way The biggest step is admitting you have a problem like many alcoholics.