Can't believe I'm back.

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But he is harming the family unit in an irreparable way, and could blow up their entire world. He is enaging in behaviour that fractures the secure, stable foundation children need. Ask the adult children of cheating parents if they were not hurt by their parents' behaviour. 

Anxious, depressed, tense, upset, crying, confrontational partners of cheating men do not usually make good mothers.
Their preoccupation with the cheating is not conducive to good parenting. 
Kids, even very young kids pick up on the tension, the frustration, the anger, the unhappiness and the angst and it damages them.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Anxious, depressed, tense, upset, crying, confrontational partners of cheating men do not usually make good mothers.
Their preoccupation with the cheating is not conducive to good parenting. 
Kids, even very young kids pick up on the tension, the frustration, the anger, the unhappiness and the angst and it damages them.

Yes, exactly. 

This is harmful to the children in multiple ways, even if they're never physcially hurt. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

Did you know they can message each other in twitter or dozens of other apps that don’t even use phone numbers?

Agree. Or her avatar isn't showing up on Whatsapp because she's using his new burner phone number.

[LaurenEliz]

I am confronting him today on multiple issues. I just want to make sure I’m not going to be blindsided by some excuse. He hates her or wants to know that it’s her txting or calling him so he can ignore it she’s crazy etc etc?

There is absolutely no reason for him to have her number is there

Edited May 2, 2021 by LaurenEliz

[lana-banana]

There's no excusing this. You said if he didn't delete her number you would divorce him. She's still in his phone. You know what to do.

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, lana-banana said:

There's no excusing this. You said if he didn't delete her number you would divorce him. She's still in his phone. You know what to do.

Thank you, I think I just want to make sure I’m not going to be blindsided and want to hear from all your opinions before I do this. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here but if he was keeping her number incase she called/text so he’d know to ignore it line - that’s crap isn’t it. You’d block so then that option isn’t there so if he says that, it’s nonsense

[lana-banana]

8 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thank you, I think I just want to make sure I’m not going to be blindsided and want to hear from all your opinions before I do this. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here but if he was keeping her number incase she called/text so he’d know to ignore it line - that’s crap isn’t it. You’d block so then that option isn’t there so if he says that, it’s nonsense

Of course it's crap. You can block a number without adding it to your contacts. I am sure he already knows her number by heart so it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

[Stupidkupid]

3 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thank you, I think I just want to make sure I’m not going to be blindsided and want to hear from all your opinions before I do this. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here but if he was keeping her number incase she called/text so he’d know to ignore it line - that’s crap isn’t it. You’d block so then that option isn’t there so if he says that, it’s nonsense

Its absolute nonsense. Hes lying if he says this

[Crazelnut]

Lauren ... sigh. You are literally asking the same questions as your last mega thread, and our answers are still the same. He chose HER. He chose to put HER number in his phone, even though you flat out told him you would divorce him if he did. 

I'm going to say the same thing I said in your last thread. Stop obsessing over a dang phone number and start focusing on leaving your lying, unfaithful husband. Do you want to spend the rest of your life checking his phone and all the apps and his tablet and laptop and ... ??? You said you'd leave him if he put it back. He put it back. When are you kicking him out?

[spiderowl]

On 4/30/2021 at 9:02 AM, LaurenEliz said:

My H is stupid - clearly. Can I ask your opinion why he put her back in his phone? Despite having an out and despite our marriage being on the line? He deleted her, he could have left it deleted

Why don't you ask him?

[spiderowl]

On 5/1/2021 at 9:46 AM, LaurenEliz said:

We are at my parents house, there is no secret bag of gadgets, no burner. This isn’t me wishful thinking, my H has been sloppy in regards to her and also he isn’t great with IT etc. We are also loving at my parents so someone is always around him (not on purpose that’s just the way it is) and if there is a food shop/park etc, either I’m there as we take both children or he goes with my dad so my dad gets to spend time with the kids. 
giving him the benefit of the doubt here (not because he deserves it, he doesn’t) I do believe he hasn’t had any further contact with her because I like said, she would have to put his number back in her phone, which she hasn’t done. So if she hasn’t done that for WhatsApp, she hasn’t done that at all meaning his number can’t be on her phone for any apps. 
which again makes it so puzzling that you would keep someone who you have not only upset, but has deleted you and that is what I want to know - if he’s done that so when restrictions ease is that his plan, to reestablish contact in some way because don’t you think if he was done with her she would be gone? 

Why is it not obvious to you that he doesn't want to lose her and that is the reason he has put her back in his phone?  He is hoping either that she will contact him or he will contact her when you are not supervising.  Does it matter if she has gone?  He is still likely to chase her and try to rekindle the relationship.  He is the problem not her.

As far as I know, you cannot tell whether she still has his number in her phone, if all conversations and contact numbers were deleted at his end, but it would take a techie to confirm that.

It seems to me that if someone were to end a relationship by sending an unpleasant text to the other woman, he would immediately want to make contact with her to explain what had happened and that his wife was insisting, etc.  I expect he has this unfinished business, even if he were intending to give up the other woman and there is no evidence that he will do that.

Edited May 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[HadMeOverABarrel]

LaurenEliz, I'm going to go in a totally different direction here with a suggestion.

It appears your husband will carry on with his cheating behavior, and no matter what he says or does, you are going to stay married to him anyway.

Meanwhile, your (self-inflicted) denial of reality, which you are avoiding to the extreme, is causing you severe anxiety. Your anxiety is because you cannot control the situation and make it into something it's not. That anxiety is keeping you in an obsessive (very unhealthy) loop. You can't control your husband or her or others, but you are not ready to face that.

I think you should talk with a psychiatrist about anti-anxiety medication, which might help you break the obsessive loop you are stuck in. At least it would introduce calm to you and your kids until the day you are actually ready to confront reality and do something about it besides obsessing over it. 

[Prudence V]

On 5/1/2021 at 11:20 AM, elaine567 said:

He will need hard evidence of sexual intercourse having taken place, if you are going to use adultery to obtain a divorce..
He is not going to be interested in her number on your husband's phone or he said she said stuff.

I’d say LE has a far better case for “unreasonable behaviour”. Two long threads of evidence. She asked him to remove the number. He put it back, knowing the consequences. Dozens of us, over multiple replies, have agreed that that’s unreasonable. Plenty of evidence of grounds for “unreasonable behaviour” divorce. 

[Prudence V]

21 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

I am confronting him today on multiple issues.

How did it go? 

[LaurenEliz]

On 5/3/2021 at 8:49 AM, Prudence V said:

How did it go? 

Ready for this? ‘She must have reappeared after I synced my iPhone’ - I don’t know much about iPhones and syncing but this is crap isn’t it? 

[LaurenEliz]

2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said:

Ready for this? ‘She must have reappeared after I synced my iPhone’ - I don’t know much about iPhones and syncing but this is crap isn’t it? 

Hi everyone. I’m really sorry to ask on here but I’m at a loss what to do and wouldn’t know where to begin with google etc. Is anyone on here good with iPhones/WhatsApp/cloud etc? I don’t understand it at all. 
 

so basically his excuse was he deleted her but she must have ‘reappeared’ when he synced his phone. If that was the case why didn’t he delete her contact from his cloud?

also if you are deleted in a physical phone but the details are still on the cloud, is it as if that person hasn’t been deleted at all? 
 

sorry I just trust all of your opinions rather than my own husbands right now and I need to know if what he has said to me is BS.

Thank you everyone x

[NYAG]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

Hi everyone. I’m really sorry to ask on here but I’m at a loss what to do and wouldn’t know where to begin with google etc. Is anyone on here good with iPhones/WhatsApp/cloud etc? I don’t understand it at all. 
 

so basically his excuse was he deleted her but she must have ‘reappeared’ when he synced his phone. If that was the case why didn’t he delete her contact from his cloud?

also if you are deleted in a physical phone but the details are still on the cloud, is it as if that person hasn’t been deleted at all? 
 

sorry I just trust all of your opinions rather than my own husbands right now and I need to know if what he has said to me is BS.

Thank you everyone x

Sounds like an excuse and he's hoping to confuse you with the technical hitches that don't exist. He's still conning you.

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, NYAG said:

Sounds like an excuse and he's hoping to confuse you with the technical hitches that don't exist. He's still conning you.

Thank you, so basically what he has said is nonsense 

[Sun Seeker]

1 hour ago, LaurenEliz said:

Thank you, so basically what he has said is nonsense 

Does it even matter of its nonsense or not? When you have to give a cheating husband an ultimatum to delete her number or you will leave, the marriage is already over.

Forget about the number as it means nothing, and start accepting the fact that a divorce is coming.

[LaurenEliz]

3 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Does it even matter of its nonsense or not? When you have to give a cheating husband an ultimatum to delete her number or you will leave, the marriage is already over.

Forget about the number as it means nothing, and start accepting the fact that a divorce is coming.

Yes, to me it does matter if it’s nonsense or not. 

[spiritedaway2003]

If someone backs up all their contacts and then syncs the phone, then it will reappear (the same way a person can recover data, including contacts, if a phone is lost).

I don’t know why he would immediately after talking with you and deleting it.  He needs to delete it from iCloud.

If you choose to give him the benefit of a doubt (because it is possible), you are still focusing on the wrong thing.  You are trying to control him and what he does and doesn’t do with a phone number.  What are you going to ask him to do next?  Delete it from iCloud? If he wrote it on a piece of paper, throw it away?  What if he memorized it?

 You have to remember that you can only control you.  Also, make sure that when you make a threat (“do this” or else, I am going to divorce), make sure you are willing and ready to carry through.  Otherwise, you are no better than he is (saying one thing but not really meaning it).  Best of luck.

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[LaurenEliz]

5 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If someone backs up all their contacts and then syncs the phone, then it will reappear (the same way a person can recover data, including contacts, if a phone is lost).

I don’t know why he would immediately after talking with you and deleting it.  He needs to delete it from iCloud.

If you choose to give him the benefit of a doubt (because it is possible), you are still focusing on the wrong thing.  You are trying to control him and what he does and doesn’t do with a phone number.  What are you going to ask him to do next?  Delete it from iCloud? If he wrote it on a piece of paper, throw it away?  What if he memorized it?

 You have to remember that you can only control you.  Also, make sure that when you make a threat (“do this” or else, I am going to divorce), make sure you are willing and ready to carry through.  Otherwise, you are no better than he is (saying one thing but not really meaning it).  Best of luck.

 

But surely after deleting the contact and then syncing - you’d double check to make sure that contact is gone 

[Sun Seeker]

36 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Yes, to me it does matter if it’s nonsense or not. 

Then you have issues and need to get your priorities right.

[LaurenEliz]

2 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

Then you have issues and need to get your priorities right.

Yeah just my marriage, thanks for that helpful comment

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

But surely after deleting the contact and then syncing - you’d double check to make sure that contact is gone 

Not necessarily.

You are assuming that he would be aware of this contact because it’s important to you. You are attending to this detail because you have asked him to delete it. He is obviously not as concerned as you are. Perhaps he should be - his marriage hinges on this little detail. But, he isn’t. And here you sit, trying to understand why. Is he clueless and inattentive? Has he moved on from this relationship? Does he want it in his phone? Does it matter - does he have it memorized or are they communicating in another way? I don’t know...

 

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB