RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: My take on why he doesn't want to tell her is that if he tells her then it collapses some of his lies to her It’s simpler than that. In an earlier thread we learned that she told him outright “if you have another baby, we are through”. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 Just now, RebeccaR said: It’s simpler than that. In an earlier thread we learned that she told him outright “if you have another baby, we are through”. Yes I agree with you Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 17 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Yes I agree with you The baby is probably close to a year old, so he has been deceiving her for quite a long time Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: The baby is probably close to a year old, so he has been deceiving her for quite a long time Yeah I’ve thought about all of this. He’s sticking his head in the sand to figure out what to say that’s the only logical reason she is still there Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Yeah I’ve thought about all of this. He’s sticking his head in the sand to figure out what to say that’s the only logical reason she is still there I don’t think it’s quite that. He’s terrified of losing her. During Covid he could hide facts from her due to lockdowns and other limitations, but that is going to end and she will probably be wanting more time with him and it will be harder to hide the fact of a second child. Lauren, I have a question for you. If this woman dumps him permanently, do you really think that will solve your problem? Because that is not likely. Edited May 16, 2021 by RebeccaR 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I don’t think it’s quite that. He’s terrified of losing her. During Covid he could hide facts from her due to lockdowns and other limitations, but that is going to end and she will probably be wanting more time with him and it will be harder to hide the fact of a second child. Lauren, I have a question for you. If this woman dumps him permanently, do you really think that will solve your problem? Because he has shown himself to be worse than a cheater. He’s also a gaslighter. Yeah. Its pretty awful. I have an aversion to phrases like gaslighting as they are often used incorrectly but Rebecca is completely right here. The way he has made you continually question your own judgement, wondering if you're losing your mind. This is exactly what he doing as its a horrible thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 48 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: Thank you. And I’m honestly so thankful for your honesty on here. To be honest, I’m starting to see through the fog a little. I’m actually finding it quite pathetic that even though he says she has deleted his information, he has still kept hers. It makes me think he’s figuring out what to say to her I had forgotten the ultimatum OW had levelled at him (thank you to @RebeccaR) regarding another child. Seems to me her knowing this, in his mind, would be the nail in the coffin for them. Although, I don't want you to think that going down this line and insisting he tells her will actually do that. It feels to me as though everything he is doing is about not hurting her, not losing her, keeping a part of her instead of about you and your marriage. I'm deeply sorry he is doing this to you. I know you are finding it hard and I hope some of the advice and opinion on here is helping. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 I went back to your original thread. Without judgment, I’m curious if you got pregnant intentionally in order to marry him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 I’ve also noticed, Lauren, that you often hide facts from this board of strangers and then apologize for not sharing relevant details due to being ashamed. With kindness and respect, if you are so afraid of judgment from a group of anonymous strangers, it’s not surprising that you have trouble speaking frankly with your husband. Marriage or no marriage, I think you would benefit from therapy to understand what you are so afraid of. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I went back to your original thread. Without judgment, I’m curious if you got pregnant intentionally in order to marry him? The second child was to try to save the marriage and get rid of the OW... She knew the OW was threatening to leave him if he had another child Lauren made that happen. Lauren withholds stuff for fear of judgement I guess. and for fear that the LS posters will remove their sympathy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The second child was to try to save the marriage and get rid of the OW... She knew the OW was threatening to leave him if he had another child Lauren made that happen. Lauren withholds stuff for fear of judgement I guess. and for fear that the LS posters will remove their sympathy for her. That's because there is a lot of judgement on this board. And fear is a real thing. Fear of judgment. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing her marriage. All understandable. She wanted the second child, and she got it. That should close that chapter for good with the AP, or so she thought. The AP might be done with him, but he hasn't let go yet. I would still recommend Lauren to talk candidly with a professional, so she can have an outlet for all the feelings she is experiencing (that she might not want to share with the forum, which is ok). I think it's been repeatedly said -- spending her time dissecting the importance of a phone number is merely addressing the symptom, but the problem (which is her marriage). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 1 minute ago, spiritedaway2003 said: spending her time dissecting the importance of a phone number is merely addressing the symptom, but the problem (which is her marriage). Lauren is committed to staying married but also cannot accept his infidelity and deception. In her case, these goals are mutually exclusive, unfortunately. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 2 hours ago, LaurenEliz said: But I didn’t because I don’t know what excuse he would tell me What does it matter, when you know his excuse will be a pile of BS anyway? I don't get why you're biting your tongue with him at this point. You both know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You both know the truth. True. I still say, the day that I have to have repeated conversations with my husband about his involvement with another woman is the day that I file for divorce... As Diana once said, “there were three people in this marriage...” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't get why you're biting your tongue with him at this point. He is apparently very good at manipulating her into thinking she is stupid (which isn’t the case). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: He is apparently very good at manipulating her into thinking she is stupid (which isn’t the case). I think there is also a strong desire on her part to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation. IF she got pregnant to encourage him to marry and then, had another child to keep him and rid herself of the other women (not saying that is what happened)... IF that is true, that’s very manipulative as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: I think there is also a strong desire on her part to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation. IF she got pregnant to encourage him to marry and then, had another child to keep him and rid herself of the other women (not saying that is what happened)... IF that is true, that’s very manipulative as well. I never got pregnant to marry him. We got pregnant a year into our marriage and I openly admitted we weren’t ready and our 1st wasn’t planned. Yes, I admit I thought having a second would help our marriage AS WELL AS providing a sibling for our first born. I know I have made errors in judgement in this situation also and to be honest, I find it pathetic that my husband is keeping the number of someone who has not only deleted him, but hasn’t told her the whole truth. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 Just now, BaileyB said: I think there is also a strong desire on her part to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation. IF she got pregnant to encourage him to marry and then, had another child to keep him and rid herself of the other women (not saying that is what happened)... IF that is true, that’s very manipulative as well. It’s clear this couple is ill suited and incompatible and are together for all the wrong reasons. Lauren is paralyzed by the thought of being divorced (as many non-employed mothers of young children are). However, I can’t see a different resolution to this situation. Lauren mentioned they are staying with her parents at the moment. Perhaps the parents can continue to help with housing and some childcare while she searches for a job, if she is going to be on her own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 3 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said: I find it pathetic that my husband is keeping the number of someone who has not only deleted him, but hasn’t told her the whole truth. He is pathetic on a number of fronts. However, the fact you have the moral high ground (you didn’t trap him into marriage or cheat) is not going to change the situation, unless his patheticness spurs you to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: He is pathetic on a number of fronts. However, the fact you have the moral high ground (you didn’t trap him into marriage or cheat) is not going to change the situation, unless his patheticness spurs you to move on. Like I said previously, I’m starting to see through the fog now, slowly. I used to think he was holding onto her because he just didn’t care enough to get rid of her Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 Just now, LaurenEliz said: Like I said previously, I’m starting to see through the fog now, slowly. I used to think he was holding onto her because he just didn’t care enough to get rid of her You know this time ultimatums are not going to work, right? Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 Here’s a post from your old thread which is the relationship in a nutshell. Is he also very opposed to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 1 minute ago, RebeccaR said: Here’s a post from your old thread which is the relationship in a nutshell. Is he also very opposed to divorce? He’s actually more opposed to divorce than I am. He went through an extremely traumatic time as a child. He ha even said to me on several occasions that he will go off the rails if he loses his kids and that he made a promise to himself a long time ago that no matter what he wouldn’t hurt them the way he was hurt. saying that - is playing families sustainable or are we a ticking time bomb I just don’t know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 16, 2021 Share Posted May 16, 2021 If he doesn’t want to hurt his children, having an affair (physical, emotional or both) is diametrically opposite of that goal 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaurenEliz Posted May 16, 2021 Author Share Posted May 16, 2021 4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: If he doesn’t want to hurt his children, having an affair (physical, emotional or both) is diametrically opposite of that goal I think he knows this. This huge part of me hopes that he does want to move forward as a family but like I said I’m not going to control this anymore. He needs to make the decision and do the things that go along with that. I think he is conflicted. I don’t know what else to say about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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