Can't believe I'm back.

[LaurenEliz]

23 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

If someone backs up all their contacts and then syncs the phone, then it will reappear (the same way a person can recover data, including contacts, if a phone is lost).

I don’t know why he would immediately after talking with you and deleting it.  He needs to delete it from iCloud.

If you choose to give him the benefit of a doubt (because it is possible), you are still focusing on the wrong thing.  You are trying to control him and what he does and doesn’t do with a phone number.  What are you going to ask him to do next?  Delete it from iCloud? If he wrote it on a piece of paper, throw it away?  What if he memorized it?

 You have to remember that you can only control you.  Also, make sure that when you make a threat (“do this” or else, I am going to divorce), make sure you are willing and ready to carry through.  Otherwise, you are no better than he is (saying one thing but not really meaning it).  Best of luck.

 

Would he realise her number had gone back in his phone?

[LaurenEliz]

I’ve actually just had a thought. If you’re going to sync your iPhone directly after that sort of conversation with me and you’ve just physically deleted the number on your phone, syncing your phone would be for the purpose to ensure the number would be deleted from iCloud. So you’d double check. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I’ve actually just had a thought. If you’re going to sync your iPhone directly after that sort of conversation with me and you’ve just physically deleted the number on your phone, syncing your phone would be for the purpose to ensure the number would be deleted from iCloud. So you’d double check. 

It could also be that you would sync your phone to add her back into the contacts. 

Or maybe, there was an update that required the phone to be synced. 

I think you are trying to read into this what you want to hear. The truth is, you don’t know why he synced his phone or if he was or was not aware of that contact. 

The only thing I know for sure, this kind of wondering would drive me crazy! This is no way to love your life Lauren. 

[LaurenEliz]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It could also be that you would sync your phone to add her back into the contacts. 

Or maybe, there was an update that required the phone to be synced. 

I think you are trying to read into this what you want to hear. The truth is, you don’t know why he synced his phone or if he was or was not aware of that contact. 

The only thing I know for sure, this kind of wondering would drive me crazy! This is no way to love your life Lauren. 

Yeah I know. But giving him the huge benefit of the doubt here. He physically deleted her on his phone. He then synced it. IF he was syncing to make sure she was gone, would her contact still be there? Believe it or not right now I’m listening to a bunch of helpful strangers on the internet because I trust their judgement 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, LaurenEliz said:

Yeah I know. But giving him the huge benefit of the doubt here. He physically deleted her on his phone. He then synced it. IF he was syncing to make sure she was gone, would her contact still be there? Believe it or not right now I’m listening to a bunch of helpful strangers on the internet because I trust their judgement 

I know. You are in a tough spot. You have young children and a husband you are afraid to trust. 

Be careful about the benefit of the doubt. He has broken your trust in the past. I’m not sure that he deserves the benefit of the doubt anymore. 

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, BaileyB said:

I know. You are in a tough spot. You have young children and a husband you are afraid to trust. 

Be careful about the benefit of the doubt. He has broken your trust in the past. I’m not sure that he deserves the benefit of the doubt anymore. 

I know and I think that’s why I’m here - I just want some tech savvy person to help me understand 

[BaileyB]

Just now, LaurenEliz said:

I know and I think that’s why I’m here - I just want some tech savvy person to help me understand 

I’m not tech savvy. I would be asking the same questions.

[understand50]

LaurenEliz,

I am a computer geek from long standing.

Here are the possibilities:

1) He deleted, and her number came back with his sync.  Many people sync across all there platforms.  Laptop, cloud, phone, ETC. Each of these devices will and can have a copy of the contacts.  Depending on how you set up the syncing, you can delete and have it come right back.  BTW, your old AOL, and Yahoo account you have not done anything with for year, still have old contact information, and if yo have things set, will cross pollinate.

2) He deleted, and added the number right back.  Yes this is a possibility.  Most modern phone, have a feature that if the persons name is not in your contacts, the phone will not answir. (SPAM CALLS).   So the idea that he needs her number so as to not pick up is bogus, assuming he has a newer phone with this feature.  Just not having her phone number will send everything to voice mail.

Upshot is, I would look for more contact besides the phone.  I think option number 1 is probably what has gone on, but you know your Husband better then us.  Is he acting like he is guilty?  (or is that normal?)  

I wish you luck.

[RebeccaR]

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, yes - syncing his phone innocently could bring it back and he might not have realized it. This has happened to me. 
 

I am worried for you. If he is actually through with her, your hovering behavior is not going to help your relationship. Why can’t the two of you discuss your marriage and its problems like two adults?

[lana-banana]

I went back through your last thread and saw that he previously went so far as to change her contact name in his phone to a man's name so you wouldn't get suspicious. He absolutely doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Regardless of whether she's in his phone you have got to end this marriage.

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by lana-banana

[LaurenEliz]

1 hour ago, understand50 said:

LaurenEliz,

I am a computer geek from long standing.

Here are the possibilities:

1) He deleted, and her number came back with his sync.  Many people sync across all there platforms.  Laptop, cloud, phone, ETC. Each of these devices will and can have a copy of the contacts.  Depending on how you set up the syncing, you can delete and have it come right back.  BTW, your old AOL, and Yahoo account you have not done anything with for year, still have old contact information, and if yo have things set, will cross pollinate.

2) He deleted, and added the number right back.  Yes this is a possibility.  Most modern phone, have a feature that if the persons name is not in your contacts, the phone will not answir. (SPAM CALLS).   So the idea that he needs her number so as to not pick up is bogus, assuming he has a newer phone with this feature.  Just not having her phone number will send everything to voice mail.

Upshot is, I would look for more contact besides the phone.  I think option number 1 is probably what has gone on, but you know your Husband better then us.  Is he acting like he is guilty?  (or is that normal?)  

I wish you luck.

Hi thank you so much. I just think if you sync straight after deleting then you want to make sure something is physically deleted right? So when he went onto his iCloud wouldn’t the first thing he’d do is look to see if her contact is there and then delete it if it is? I know I’m asking qs that only he can really answer but to me, if you’re wanting to delete that contact, you’d check once you’ve synced?

[LaurenEliz]

17 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I went back through your last thread and saw that he previously went so far as to change her contact name in his phone to a man's name so you wouldn't get suspicious. He absolutely doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Regardless of whether she's in his phone you have got to end this marriage.

 

I know. I know I have a lot of serious thinking to do. I just want to get my words straight before we talk. 
obviously our marriage has problems that I haven’t said on here which is probably why people say I’m focusing on the number but that’s because I’m not willing to say about our other problems. 
 

Hear me out and let me know if you think this makes sense or not - if you sync to double check she is deleted and from my limited knowledge (what I’ve read online) all you have to do is delete that contact on your cloud - after doing this you’d check to make sure she is t back in your contacts. And ok, say she did end up in the contacts, why hasn’t she been blocked (someone just messaged me with this)

i appreciate you reading my other thread, I know it’s a lot so thank you

[lana-banana]

1 minute ago, LaurenEliz said:

I know. I know I have a lot of serious thinking to do. I just want to get my words straight before we talk. 
obviously our marriage has problems that I haven’t said on here which is probably why people say I’m focusing on the number but that’s because I’m not willing to say about our other problems. 
 

Hear me out and let me know if you think this makes sense or not - if you sync to double check she is deleted and from my limited knowledge (what I’ve read online) all you have to do is delete that contact on your cloud - after doing this you’d check to make sure she is t back in your contacts. And ok, say she did end up in the contacts, why hasn’t she been blocked (someone just messaged me with this)

i appreciate you reading my other thread, I know it’s a lot so thank you

I don't believe the syncing excuse at all. Yes, he would have deleted her immediately if he cared about this. Yes, he's lying to you. 

[LaurenEliz]

Just now, lana-banana said:

I don't believe the syncing excuse at all. Yes, he would have deleted her immediately if he cared about this. Yes, he's lying to you. 

Thank you..I don’t know much about phones or iCloud etc. My friend said that if he wanted her gone, he’d delete the iCloud contact and then double check that she hasn’t transferred back into his phone and if she had for whatever reason he will have blocked her if actually serious 

[Stupidkupid]

44 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

I went back through your last thread and saw that he previously went so far as to change her contact name in his phone to a man's name so you wouldn't get suspicious. He absolutely doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt here.

You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you. Regardless of whether she's in his phone you have got to end this marriage.

 

@LaurenEliz this is what my MM did in the A during a period in which he was concerned he had been discovered (he had not). He just changed my name to Matt in his phone 

I appreciate that it is possibele the sync thung happened but, having been part of an affair, I don't believe for a second that he has never once gone through his contact list etc

[LaurenEliz]

7 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

@LaurenEliz this is what my MM did in the A during a period in which he was concerned he had been discovered (he had not). He just changed my name to Matt in his phone 

I appreciate that it is possibele the sync thung happened but, having been part of an affair, I don't believe for a second that he has never once gone through his contact list etc

Thank you I really appreciate you saying from your POV. Yes I think I just need to know there’s no way he wouldn’t double check she was gone after the sync if that was in fact what he wanted 

[RebeccaR]

What’s strange is he knows you go through his phone, yet he added it back so quickly. That’s what doesn’t make sense. Both of you are playing games instead of addressing the elephant in the room.

[mark clemson]

IMO the syncing issue is plausible. That just means you need to ask him to do a thorough expunging of her name from ALL his contacts.

Then see if she comes back within 2 weeks.

Then if she's every back again after clearing that 2 week hurdle, you can be certain he deliberately re-added her.

Putting her back on, with her name etc. so swiftly after being asked to delete her just seems incredibly stupid (unless he's actually no longer trying to hide his continued interest, which doesn't seem to be the case).

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

IMO the syncing issue is plausible. That just means you need to ask him to do a thorough expunging of her name from ALL his contacts.

Then see if she comes back within 2 weeks.

Then if she's every back again after clearing that 2 week hurdle, you can be certain he deliberately re-added her.

Putting her back on, with her name etc. so swiftly after being asked to delete her just seems incredibly stupid (unless he's actually no longer trying to hide his continued interest, which doesn't seem to be the case).

Hi mark, yeah ive heard that sometimes contacts can come back after syncing. But wouldn’t he have looked through his contacts list after the sync to make sure she was definitely gone? 

[mark clemson]

^^ perhaps, perhaps not - who knows. To me what seems clear is he is he may need to make a concerted effort to "clear her out" completely from all his possible contact lists.

[lana-banana]

4 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ perhaps, perhaps not - who knows. To me what seems clear is he is he may need to make a concerted effort to "clear her out" completely from all his possible contact lists.

He has tried to hide this woman from the OP before by disguising her name in his contacts. Without knowing her phone number, how will OP ever have any idea whether she's in his phone, or whether they're talking via Signal disappearing messages, or...?

I just think the focus on the technology is the wrong problem. This guy was already not invested in the marriage and willing to lie and hide things from her. There's nothing he can do to give her any trust that he's being honest about this or his intentions.

Edited May 4, 2021 by lana-banana

[LaurenEliz]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

^^ perhaps, perhaps not - who knows. To me what seems clear is he is he may need to make a concerted effort to "clear her out" completely from all his possible contact lists.

Sorry maybe I should have been more clear previously..this was the discussion that we had. He said he’d get rid of her, and he did so infront of me. I said from anything and everything I want her gone because if you want this marriage to have a chance, I don’t want you to have any sort of link and neither should you. He sent her that message which I saw, I held his phone whilst he got his laptop and did the sync (which I left him to do himself). So the purpose of the sync was to make sure she was gone everywhere..which is why and as as @Stupidkupid he said that don’t you think he would have looked through his contacts to make sure?

[mark clemson]

^^ ok, I'm not sure. As noted in a post above, some of these "services" will go through your other contacts lists, e.g. gmail and attempt to fish contacts out of them. So it's not impossible for someone to "come back" after deleting them if you didn't delete them everywhere. Whether not deleting in one spot was done deliberately or by mistake (or at all on the theory he just re-added her) is an open question.

@lana-banana I'm not saying her focus should be on the technology. Certainly not for the mid- to long-term. Just a hurdle to fully clear.  Lauren can presumably get her phone number if she wants to check contacts. But yes, if a person is truly trying to hide something, then "monitoring" is not the solution, as they'll just look for a different way to hide it.

Which brings us back to the question of how her unhidden info got back into his contacts.

Edited May 4, 2021 by mark clemson

[LaurenEliz]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ ok, I'm not sure. As noted in a post above, some of these "services" will go through your other contacts lists, e.g. gmail and attempt to fish contacts out of them. So it's not impossible for someone to "come back" after deleting them if you didn't delete them everywhere. Whether not deleting in one spot was done deliberately or by mistake (or at all on the theory he just re-added her) is an open question.

@lana-banana I'm not saying her focus should be on the technology. Certainly not for the mid- to long-term. Just a hurdle to fully clear.  Lauren can presumably get her phone number if she wants to check contacts. But yes, if a person is truly trying to hide something, then "monitoring" is not the solution, as they'll just look for a different way to hide it.

Which brings us back to the question of how her unhidden info got back into his contacts.

Then again, he could have just blocked her..which he didn’t..that also should have been an option. Sorry if I sound stupid but what is unhidden info?

husband is better at tech than me for sure, I’m pretty sure a 2 year old would be better than me but what I’m trying to say albeit not very well..is I had just had a huge emotional convo with him. Okay if it was a mistake her info coming back...time has passed now he must have noticed she’s still in his contacts 

[mark clemson]

^^ unhidden info = the contact you found.

Agree he should have blocked as well. Not sure if you block a contact and delete it and it comes back whether it stays blocked. That'd be a question for someone who knows that detail for e.g. an iPhone or whatever you are using.