Maria1956 Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 She found out today. 40 year relationship, he was involved with me for 3 years I’m also married, she caught him on the phone to me and the whole thing is out in the open. I’m not sure how I feel. It’s over for sure and in some ways it’s a relief, he was never going to leave her I have two young children so leaving my marriage would have been challenging. We were two people who met and found a connection. None of it was real, just fantasy land but we enjoyed each other so much. I’m hoping she forgives him. There’ll be no further contact, I need to get my boots into my marriage and figure out my own path. I feel strangely peaceful and also a bit relieved. It’s a hard act to maintain. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience of whether a marriage can recover from an affair of this magnitude. I’m desperately worried for him. Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 2 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: She found out today. 40 year relationship, he was involved with me for 3 years I’m also married, she caught him on the phone to me and the whole thing is out in the open. I’m not sure how I feel. It’s over for sure and in some ways it’s a relief, he was never going to leave her I have two young children so leaving my marriage would have been challenging. We were two people who met and found a connection. None of it was real, just fantasy land but we enjoyed each other so much. I’m hoping she forgives him. There’ll be no further contact, I need to get my boots into my marriage and figure out my own path. I feel strangely peaceful and also a bit relieved. It’s a hard act to maintain. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience of whether a marriage can recover from an affair of this magnitude. I’m desperately worried for him. I don't know if they ever fully recover. Lots of people stay together but I think once the trust boundary has been stepped over, it's very hard to trust someone again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 2 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: She found out today. . I’m hoping she forgives him. She could contact your husband now that she has all the evidence of your affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 Just now, NYAG said: I don't know if they ever fully recover. Lots of people stay together but I think once the trust boundary has been stepped over, it's very hard to trust someone again. Yes that’s my fear. I wish I could make it right but I know I need to stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: She could contact your husband now that she has all the evidence of your affair. If she does, she does. I’m prepared for that. I knew the risks I’m prepared to face the consequences 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) Forty years is a long time. I feel like this will go one of two ways - she will divorce him and take half the value of the home, half his retirement savings, half his pension, half of all their assets, and possibly spousal support because a woman who has been married this long and is at that stage of life stands to receive a lot financially. More importantly, a woman at this age quite simply doesn’t have to put up with this kind of disrespect from a man. Or, she will decide to fight for everything that they have built and shared together. She will stay, but as has been said above... the relationship will be changed forever. What of your husband and your family? I think it’s interesting that your concern in this post is for your MM and not the husband you have been cheating on for the last three years. Not to mention the fact that your decisions have threatened the stability of your children’s family life. I’m not saying this to be harsh - it just seems to me that your concern is misplaced. Edited April 30, 2021 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 58 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: I feel strangely peaceful and also a bit relieved. It’s a hard act to maintain. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience of whether a marriage can recover from an affair of this magnitude. I’m desperately worried for him. No personal experience, but I think it's clear, some marriages will end over things like this and some will not, it could go either way. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 48 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: I wish I could make it right but I know I need to stay away. How could you even begin to make it right? You really do need to stay away. Frankly, their marriage is none of your business. If you want to help him, the best way for you to do that now is to end all communication - never see this man again. IF she contacts you, that is your opportunity to offer an apology. But, there is likely very little that you can say that would even begin to heal this situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 9 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Forty years is a long time. I feel like this will go one of two ways - she will divorce him and take half the value of the home, half his retirement savings, half his pension, half of all their assets because a woman who has men married this long and is at that stage of life stands to receive a lot financially. And simply, she doesn’t have to put up with this kind of disrespect from a man. Or, she will decide to fight for everything that they have built and shared together. She will stay, but as has been said above... the relationship will be changed forever. What of your husband and your family? I think it’s interesting that your concern in this post is for your MM and not the husband you have been cheating on for the last three years. Not to mention the fact that your decisions have threatened the stability of your children’s family life. I’m not saying this to be harsh - it just seems to me that your concern is misplaced. Yes you’re right. My concern is deeply misplaced and that’s something I am aware of. I guess I’m concerned for my AP’s age and the longevity of his marriage. My husband is emotionally and physically absent and I guess my affair was a stupid way to counter the loneliness I felt. It’s unforgivable but I made conscious choices and am now reaping the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: Yes you’re right. My concern is deeply misplaced and that’s something I am aware of. I guess I’m concerned for my AP’s age and the longevity of his marriage. My husband is emotionally and physically absent and I guess my affair was a stupid way to counter the loneliness I felt. It’s unforgivable but I made conscious choices and am now reaping the consequences. As you are responsible for your own decisions, he is responsible for his. I can’t imagine experiencing this kind of betrayal when you have shared a long marriage and built a home and I would assume a family together. I can’t imagine how I could recover from the betrayal of a three year affair, after having devoted myself to a man and raising his children for all those years. It is such a disrespectful thing to do to a spouse, particularly as you approach those golden years when one is supposed to look back at what they have created in life and enjoy. I can’t say for certain, but I do believe I would file for divorce before he could even offer any explanation. I don’t know how one would recover from this. And yet, there are many would would chose to stay - not necessarily out of any affection for the man, but because there is a shared history and they don’t want to be alone or because they don’t want to lose everything they have worked so hard to build. Edited April 30, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maria1956 Posted April 30, 2021 Author Share Posted April 30, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: As you are responsible for your own decisions, he is responsible for his. I can’t imagine experiencing this kind of betrayal when you have shared a long marriage and built a home and I would assume a family together. I can’t imagine how I could recover from the betrayal of a three year affair, after having devoted myself to a man and raising his children for all those years. It is such a disrespectful thing to do to a spouse, particularly as you approach those golden years when one is supposed to look back at what they have created in life and enjoy. I can’t say for certain, but I do believe I would file for divorce before he could even offer any explanation. I don’t know how one would recover from this. And yet, there are many would would chose to stay - not necessarily out of any affection for the man, but because they don’t want to be alone or lose everything they have built. From what he has told me about her I’ll think she’ll stay with him. She’s very family orientated and I think she’ll put her adult children’s feelings above her own and pretend that nothing has happened. I don’t know I feel so awful about this I don’t know what to do with myself. He’s always maintained that she’s been a fantastic wife and they have a great marriage but I guess this has made the gravity of what he has even more dreadful. As for myself I need to focus on my own marriage and what I’m going to do. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Maria1956 said: He’s always maintained that she’s been a fantastic wife and they have a great marriage but I guess this has made the gravity of what he has even more dreadful. It really does... Nobody ever deserves this, but this will hurt her to her core. Perhaps that’s exactly why he felt secure enough to have an affair - he may have been banking on the fact that there would be no repercussions should he ever be discovered. Edited April 30, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 I highly doubt she will be able to go on with the marriage and "pretend nothing happened." She might stay, but there's no pretending after an A is discovered. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 Just wanted to send you some love OP. I agree with all of the above but also know it hurts. So look after yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted April 30, 2021 Share Posted April 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Stupidkupid said: Just wanted to send you some love OP. I agree with all of the above but also know it hurts. So look after yourself. Me too -there’s some tough love on here which is all part of the process to healing .After the fantasy life of an affair we all need a reality check , compassion and a virtual hug is important too so here’s mine xoxo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 18 hours ago, Maria1956 said: I guess I’m concerned for my AP’s age and the longevity of his marriage. Remember - he wasn't concerned about this while carrying on the affair. So no need to be worried for him. He'll be fine. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 18 hours ago, Allupinnit said: She might stay, but there's no pretending after an A is discovered. True. If it’s the first time for her to discover an affair of her H, my guess is she’ll likely stay. Especially after 40 years together. I mean, that’s all they know - how to share a life and be married. They’ve gotta be in their 60s. Nobody wants to start over in their 60s. If she’s been through this with him before, though, you never know. For some men (if not many), having affairs & having sex outside the marriage is just something they do. And then, it’s really only a question of time when the W starts to get an inkling or finds out for sure. If she’s been through this before - once or multiple times - she might be more inclined to call it quits. If he takes a liking to younger women in general (and OP says she has “young children”, so I’m guessing there’s a large age gap involved), I’m guessing he’s been interested in “dating (younger) on the side” for more than just those 3 years you were together. The W might’ve been dealing with this general “problem” for a while now. Who knows? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Remember - he wasn't concerned about this while carrying on the affair. So no need to be worried for him. He'll be fine. Yes, please don't be worried for him. He's a grown adult, not a child. Giving him that empathy will keep you exactly where a MM wants you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 What happens if she boots him out and he comes running in desperation to you. Are you going to leave your husband for him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yogathenwine Posted May 18, 2021 Share Posted May 18, 2021 Thank you for your post, I'm struggling to end things and I needed to see this. Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 He’s mid 60’s and you are early to mid 30’s? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted May 19, 2021 Share Posted May 19, 2021 On 4/30/2021 at 1:07 PM, NYAG said: I don't know if they ever fully recover. Lots of people stay together but I think once the trust boundary has been stepped over, it's very hard to trust someone again. true enough. It can be especially hard for those who don't trust lightly. It takes a lot for them to feel safe enough to do so, and when that is broken, it's really hard to ever get it back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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