Heartbreak

[indiejo]

Hi all,

I (27M) have been dealing with some self-created personal issues that have tortured me for over a year now. Would like to write it out, share it, and maybe receive some relatable advice.

Have also had some mental health issues with anxiety, general low mood, pessimism, self-esteem issues. Had fail to confess my feelings to 2 girls in the past because I wasnt sure if they had feelings for me initially and when I finally plucked up the courage on that very day itself I was cockblocked by another guy who approached her. Both times I was sad for a time but then managed to find myself out of the rut.

This time round however, left me utterly utterly broken and depressed.. Im a uni student, currently 27 years old and never had a girlfriend. In 2019, got paired with a girl whom I had known since my time in uni started for my thesis. Never really got to know her, but in the early days of the project we hit off well, often talking about life and such. One day last January in 2020 however she started growing colder and colder to me.

Around that period of time I also learnt that she had been talking to another guy in my cohort for some time already even going back to 2019. "Not again...." I thought to myself. So I started developing this obsession to know if they were talking, how much they talked and when they talked. I looked at their whatsapp online status almost everyday (I am well aware this is creepy, please dont give me useless comments about how creepy I am) to gain this information.

I have been doing this since Jan 2020, even up till yesterday 30 April 2021, and every day I have tracked their activity, I found them talking at least once a day. When he comes online she does, he goes offline she does too (happens even in the late hours 1-2am, their activity levels also increase and the frequency coming online to whatsapp increases greatly when either has recently been active on whatsapp. The girl also prioritizes talking to him over group project discussions. She and he would be online during my thesis group discussions but she does not talk in the group, yet she is still online when he is. I formed scenarios based on what I see on their whatsapp timings and start getting more anxious and worried, and this goes on in my head -> Are they outside tgt now? Both of them have not been online for 30mins are they watching a movie tgt now? Is she at his place?...... She mentioned she likes The Office during a group discussion, and I saw the guy posting himself watching The Office the other day on instagram. Are they watching the show tgt? Did she introduced it to him? Did he introduce it to her? Are they watching it tgt on Zoom? Why do they get to share the shows cringey moments tgt while I live in my own personal hell?..... She just received a call during our group meeting on Zoom and muted her mic to receive the call, is she freaking talking to him? Did he call her?........... Sorry if I sounded like a mad man but I am trying to describe my thoughts as well as I can.

I have asked around friends and even the guy in question himself. And they had all told me there was nothing going on between them.

But whenever I checked.... It can be between minutes to several hours but they talk at least once EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Several times a day on most days. And every time I see this my mood and heart sinks even lower. Just when I hit rock bottom I discover there is an even deeper place to go. Even now I feel like a total failure. Going for psychiatric help is really expensive in my country so i dont think I will explore that option until i start working.

Im really tired. I want to stop looking at the whatsapp. To stop asking myself and God why doesnt she love me back but prefers him all the time. To stop trying to find out the details of why and what they are saying to one another. I just want peace... I dont even mind killing my emotions so I may never have to love another human being ever again in my lifetime (If there was such a way I would snatch it up in a heartbeat)

Writing this post was really emotionally tiring for me. Teared a few times while writing.

Does anyone understand me? Does anyone understand what I am going through?

[d0nnivain]

Lots of people are depressed, have anxiety, have low mood / energy, pessimism & self esteem issues.  Fortunately they can be overcome.  Therapy is a great start but if you are not there yet or think you can't afford it, at least read some books about improving your self esteem.   

Another good technique is to start a gratitude journal.  Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for.  They don't have to be profound but they can be.  My down comforter makes the list a lot in winter.    You should try for different items every list.  Write another 3 every night before you go to bed.  Once per week read the journal.  You need to start focusing on what you have / all the good things rather than the stuff that brings you down.  

You probably should block these other two who are making you nuts.  You have more important things to concentrate on  getting your degreee & getting your head on straight.  

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, indiejo said:

   Going for psychiatric help is really expensive in my country 

Ok. You have excellent insight that psychiatric care is the place to start.

You can go to a physician for an evaluation. Then if/when you can get employment/get insurance, you can pursue therapy.

In cases as severe as yours, medical treatment is the best option.

You can also research mental health clinics and other resources.

For now you're just torturing yourself staying in this depressed state.

[smackie9]

You need to find better things to do with your time. The best therapy is to put on a pair of runners and go for a jog to clear the cobwebs, stress level goes down, so does the anxiety. A change in diet can clear some of the anxiety (like bananas) and depression, buy avoiding high sugar/processed foods, alcohol. Writing your thoughts down in a journal is good self therapy too...use it as your release. Baby steps, you will find your way.

Edited May 2, 2021 by smackie9

[Caauug]

On 5/1/2021 at 5:29 AM, indiejo said:

Never really got to know her, but in the early days of the project we hit off well, often talking about life and such. One day last January in 2020 however she started growing colder and colder to me.

You missed your chance, if you ever had one. 

Don't be a stalker.... For the most part, if a girl is interested in getting to know you she will let you know. Don't be Pepe Le Pew... 

I will go out on a limb and say you were lied to when you were growing up, you were likely told the Disney dream and told about how the prince (you) rescues the princess trapped in the tower etc. etc. That was all lies. If you live in a westernized country, for the most part: You don't get to choose, she does. Any girl/woman in her prime with SMV 4 or over will have a steady stream of available men wanting her. It is her choice on who she goes out with. If she is single it is again her choice to stay single, (her standards may be too high for her SMV thus not finding anyone and staying single, but this is still her choice). If you decide to run after her and she thinks you are unworthy of her, you will be labeled a creep. If you make advances, you will inflate her ego and will likely lower your own SMV in her eyes and she will loose attraction for you, if she had any.  It is her choice not yours. A lot of guys find this hard to grasp....  

What can you do to improve your attraction?:

Work on your 6 sixes. You may not be able to physically meet all of them but do as much as you can. Every bit counts. Eat healthy, get fit. Look after the most important person in your life - YOU!!!

Get hobbies. A hobby that also gets/keeps you physically fit is good also, cycling, hiking, etc. 

You are in Uni, so concentrate on your studies. You have spent a lot of time and money getting where you are, finish it the best you can. This should be your main purpose in your life at this time, (not some fluff that will clog your shower drain with hair and occupy 99% of your bathroom vanity with war paint and hair spray).

Educate yourself on human behavior biology or human nature. Why does she do the things she does? Why do you act the way you do?  Knowledge is king, I think you know this already. A starting point for men: The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi, he has books, blogs and YT channel. Not everyone will agree with me, that's ok. but please come up with another starting point that will help him understand human nature for a man's perspective... 

Mostly your SMV is your 6 sixes, your strong purpose in life, your boundaries, values, morals, and your over all strength. Strive to be the best you can be physically and mentally. 

 

Note: I should stick in here somewhere that "Life is not fair"... There will always be losers' and winners', evolution has designed it that way for the betterment of the human race. 

[spiderowl]

I agree that starting off reading about depression, anxiety and obsessiveness might really help you.  You are already aware that this is making you uncomfortable and causing you misery.

I don't know where you are based but in many countries the woman has the right not to date someone.  What she does in her private time is private to her.  You should not be spying: this would be creepy to her if she found out and it is not helping you - instead worrying about what she is doing is keeping you obsessed and on tenterhooks.  It is making you more anxious.

You cannot control what she is doing.  Once you accept that, there is no point in spying on her.  If she wants to be with you, she will spend more and more time with you and will be warm and friendly towards you.  If she doesn't want to be with you, she will make herself unavailable.  You cannot force the issue.  Once she has said no, she is not interested and you need to back off and leave her alone.

If you think that by spying it is going to change any outcomes, it is not.  The only possible outcome if she finds out, is that she will avoid you because you are tending towards being creepy.  Is that what you want?