Extreme guilt for ending relationship, how to cope?

[LotusAvx]

Hi, I really need some advice because I am having terrible guilt for ending my 1 year relationship. We met before the pandemic and became close throughout it, spending a lot of time together. I was happy and comfortable with him, but I always felt like something was missing. The relationship was never really very sexual, and I was his first partner. While things have been generally good and he was the typical "nice guy", I never felt extremely strongly towards him. I loved him and loved spending time with him, but something was missing and I think it was that attraction.

Today, after a while of wondering what I should do, I ended it. He is not taking it well and is clearly very hurt. I feel extremely guilty, and especially when he throws things in my face by saying "no more" [insert random event we both enjoyed or inside joke here] and it makes me feel even more guilty! I understand it is harder especially if someone never had experience in the break up department, which I have had many. I am trying to be as gentle as I can with him but I have a feeling this is going to wreck him for a while and I feel terrible! At the same time, I feel very afraid I will be making the wrong decision and will regret it. Yes - he is a great guy but the attraction that was there has really dwindled and we have no sex life. I feel shallow for ending it over this, but I do not feel strongly about him the way I have felt about people before. Another big reason is how complacent he is and doesn't seem to want to better himself in life. I have my life together and proud of where I am, but he doesn't seem to have a clear path of what he wants to do at 28 years old (I am 26)

 

So my question is, what are some ways to get over the guilt I am feeling for hurting him. And do I sound like I am being selfish for wanting someone that I am a little bit more "crazy" about? A big issue is the lack of attraction and having what was there dissipate and him not having much ambition. Am I selfish for wanting more from someone? Or should I settle for someone I am not super crazy about but is reliable and a good person? 

[spiderowl]

If sex has dwindled after only a year (and it was not because you were refusing it) then the relationship is not working.  At this stage, you should both be having lots of fun.  

I don't think you've done anything wrong or been selfish; it just wasn't working for you.  He has to accept that it wasn't working and that the attraction wasn't there for you.  It is hard and horrible but it is inevitable if the physical relationship has fizzled out so early on.

[Wiseman2]

What you did is fine. You ended something that wasn't working out.

It's his job to cope, not yours

It's a common mistake to stay friends or keep talking.

Tell him kindly that your enjoyed your time together, now it's over. Then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, LotusAvx said:

I feel shallow for ending it over this

But "this" is the very thing that distinguishes romantic love from a friendship, OP. 

It would have been incredilby unwise to just keep this going, knowing that you are not romantically attracted to him. There is zero shallow about that. You two don't have the elements necessary for a relationship, and it doesn't sound as though you ever really did. I can't see how you'll regret leaving a relationship that was essentially a friendship for you. It died after just a year; this does not have legs to go any further. 

He will eventually be okay, and don't hesitate to ask that he stop the overly-emotional messages. I realize he's hurting a lot but he would be better-served turning to family and friends for support now. It's his first break-up so it's extra-tough but nearly every single one of us has eventually let go and moved on from our first loves. 

Putting a lot of space there will help you manage your own feelings of guilt. I went through this about 20 years ago, when I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. He was extremely upset, and I felt horrible. The images of him crying and begging me not to go stayed in my mind a long time. But, I knew I coluld not go back. Like you, I didn't feel romantic attraction anymore and was emotionaly checked-out. He too was a good guy but not the guy for me. I have never regretted ending it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Attraction is fundamental to romance. Fundamental. 

If you are not feeling powerfully attracted, then you don't have a romance. You have a pretend-romance. 

How old are you and he? 

[ShyViolet]

Of course it is not shallow of you to end a relationship because of lack of attraction.  Are you kidding?  Attraction is what makes a relationship.  It would have been wrong of you to "settle" for someone who you are not that attracted to, and string him along and compromise your own happiness.  This needed to end.  And now he is being immature and "throwing things in your face" about the breakup.  Why are you even still in contact with him?  You shouldn't be.  You need to cut off contact.  Make a clean break.  Block him if he won't stop texting you.  The fact that he's having a hard time with the breakup is NOT your problem, it's something that he needs to go through and needs to deal with.  It's part of life.  

[d0nnivain]

You are not selfish & there is nothing to feel guilty about.  Remember though it's cruel to be kind.  The best thing you can do is be firm in your resolve. If it's over, stop interacting with him.  He needs that boundary so he stops trying to win you back.  

[glows]

The communication after today should stop. There's no other reason to talk with him if you don't share property, kids or have any other dealings with each other. Keep in mind that after a break up, the support that was ongoing in the relationship also ends. It'll be confusing to both parties making the transition if you're checking up on one another or continuing to share your feelings. 

Do the kind thing and move on, on your way. If it's your first break up prepare for a few weeks or months on your own as this doesn't happen overnight or within a week. Take your time to heal and recoup. Don't rush things.

Also, I do not think you are being selfish. You have one life to live. Live it well.