Seeking perspective from death of a coworker

[Mike Woodman]

Recently a coworker of mine died.  She was young (30s) and suffered from a mental illness she battled against and which ultimately contributed to her tragic and untimely death.  And yet, through the years she was always cheerful, smiling and good natured.  I had countless (work-related) interactions with her over the years, and I took her death hard, much harder than other coworkers who died who I did not know as well, or who were older.  My wife, witnessing my sadness, accused me of having some sort of emotional / inappropriate affair with this person.  I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down, and was hoping for emotional support I didn't get that I feel ought to be given whenever someone is sad about another person passing.  My wife feels threatened by my reaction, and is suspicious of my reaction to another woman.

Who do you think is being reasonable / unreasonable, me or my wife?  Seeking other perspectives on this.

In case you're wondering, my interactions with this person were always work-related and no, I never had any romantic aspirations or feelings for this person except that I thought she was a kind-hearted person whose life and was cruelly cut short.  Thank you for your feedback.

[basil67]

I'm sorry that she passed.

The time line is probably fairly important in this.  If it's just a couple of days and the funeral hasn't happened yet,  I can see that this would be fairly fresh still. 

However, if we're looking at weeks since she passed, and we were to compare your reaction on losing an acquaintance to what seems to be 'average' in society, your reaction is fairly strong.   Now, I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong, but most of us consider what our own reactions would be in such a situation and view the behaviours of others accordingly.   Your wife is likely much like me: When losing an acquaintance, I experience shock and sadness for a couple of days but then move past it.   And as this is how I process, if I was your partner, I would also likely to be wondering what's up with your reaction.   Though I wouldn't have raised any discussions unless your sadness has been going on for a couple of weeks.  

Of course, if you are the type who feels death more strongly, perhaps you could give her examples of how you have grieved for quite some time over male acquaintances which you've lost.  

 

[Mike Woodman]

Thank you.  FYI my grief was day-of; my wife verbalized her 'suspicions' the following day.

[basil67]

Is your wife prone to jealousy?   

[Acacia98]

If you haven't, over the course of your marriage, done something that would cause a reasonable person to feel insecure, I think your wife tends towards jealousy. And if that's the case, I'm not the one to advise you. That kind of jealousy irritates me, so I probably wouldn't be able to give you any helpful tips.

But if your wife is insecure/jealous because you have previously given her reason to be, I would advise that you explain why your coworker's death hit you in this particular way and reassure her and be patient with her.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Acacia98

[glows]

I have a different take on this and it has less to do with the polarity of reasonable vs unreasonable. 

To me there are two issues: processing the death of someone you knew/worked with and second, issues in your marriage.

On the death of your coworker - Is there any chance that this death is calling into question your own mortality and what it entails or means to you? Death has an effect on different individuals, making some retrospective and others dismissive or more prone to avoiding the issue or loss of someone for ie. 

Do you have any kids that age in their 30s? Do you see yourself wondering about your own death or whether others would care if you died? Do you know of anyone else who has suffered from mental illness or another condition that makes them vulnerable?

On the issues in your marriage - Both of you have a disagreement at the moment and I think there are underlying issues of resentment and distrust there already pre-existing from other problems in your marriage. I think it's odd that even for a jealous person, she would jump to a conclusion that's so offensive to the trust between a couple. Without trust what else do you have? Material possessions? Empty promises? She sounds fed up with you, to be honest, and it may have nothing to do with other women in the marriage or affairs. It may be you've both been growing apart slowly but surely over the years and she just doesn't trust the way you think or the way you've lost interest in her. It may be mutual too as both of you are no longer interested in what the other thinks or feels.

This is just food for thought.

 

 

Edited May 1, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mike Woodman said:

Thank you.  FYI my grief was day-of; my wife verbalized her 'suspicions' the following day.

Sorry this happened. Confide in friends, family, co-workers, etc. Your wife just doesn't want to hear it.

Yes it's weird this makes her jealous, but you already know you have a lot of martial problems to work out and this is just another symptom of that.

Instead of demonizing your wife as a cold, jealous battle-axe, get to marriage therapy to address long standing resentments.

[Mike Woodman]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

Is your wife prone to jealousy?   

Unfortunately yes she is.

[elaine567]

Your wife like so many women I guess would be, is kind of suspicious of your feelings for this co worker.
Unfortunately affairs with co workers are not rare, so whilst jealousy is often seen as a bad trait it is often the response to a real threat.
You KNOW your were not having an affair with this woman, your wife does not KNOW you were not having an affair with this woman.
All she sees is her husband apparently grieving and upset over a woman he says he did not have any feelings for, and that does not make any sense so it is suspicious...
 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for your loss.  

Since you know that your wife is prone to jealousy you had to know that your co-worker's gender alone would raise your wife's suspicions.  Talking to your wife will make it worse.  Do something sweet but not too sweet for her -- pay her a compliment, do the dishes, have a romantic dinner tonight but keep your own counsel surround your colleague's death 

[Miss Peach]

This happened to me recently too. The coworker was younger than me. My closest friend of mine at work and me were hired in the last year so neither of us ever met the coworker in person and didn't have much of a relationship with this person. We're not as sad as people who had a connection with this person but even for us it was chilling because she was in the office, she was younger than us, etc.

 

Hugs as I can understand it would be hard. But wanted to also voice part of it might be more related to something with you than her. In the case of me and my coworker it was more of a life can be too short type of realization.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,  get to it, as others have suggested. It doesn't sound like you're in a good marriage.

And ... it sounds to me like you allow your wife to get under your skin too much. If I were grieving the death of someone I liked a lot, I would not tolerate even the most wonderful spouse casting aspersions on me in the middle of devastating grief.

I'm gonna guess here: Your wife is NOT a curious person. Your wife is likely NOT someone who thinks innovative and creative thoughts. Most likely, she's not someone who can catch herself and realize that other people process life very differently from the way she does.

This is not the first time she has irritated you or rejected your feelings. But dude, if you can't feel sad over the death of a coworker and get a nice hug from your wife, what is the point of being married?

But spill. I am guessing that this is only the most recent example of your wife acting immaturely and dismissively towards your feelings. Am I right? 

This example is really bad to me because she's accusing you of being human! with feelings!

[spiritedaway2003]

I am sorry for your loss.  Make no apologies for how you need to deal with your grief. 

People process grief differently.  If a coworker I used to work with whom I enjoy interacting with (because of whatever that stands out to me about that person - a sunny attitude, a bright smile) suddenly pass, I know I would feel the loss.  Sometimes it’s the mortality factor.  Sometimes it’s simply the loss of someone who brightens the world a bit.  Sometimes it’s a loss of potential of who that person could be. Many reasons. 

This is non gender specific. We all bring value into the lives we live.  And for your wife to feel threaten and accuse you of “something” going on simply because you feel loss and grief for someone else just reeks of distrust and insecurity.  It is unreasonable.  That said, it is also merely a symptom of a larger issue.  Maybe it’s worthwhile to address it. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by spiritedaway2003