I dumped the perfect guy I was dating and still ask myself why 4 months later

[missthrowaway]

I have always been treated badly by men that I date. I don't think I'm bad at picking guys, but more often than not I'm hurt by them. My latest bad guy hurt me a lot and I ended up needing help. I was very wary about dating again after. I currently take medication to help with my depression as there's a serious illness in my family, which also helped through my bad relationship.

Early November 2020 I met a guy on tinder. We hit it off well and dated. He treated me so well, helped out, cared for me, made me laugh, was affectionate with me, even made me orgasm really easily, which other guys have really struggled with in the past. I ended up opening up about my issues and he was very understanding.

December 2020 and this nice guy I'm dating loses a close friend to him. I offer to support him but he doesn't really open up. A week later he wants to be exclusive which I agree with but remind him lets not move too fast. The weekend comes round and I'm away over a close girl friend of mine in the countryside. While I was there I hardly messaged the guy at all, and I still don't why, I just didn't have the urge to message him like normal. I felt distant from him. I ended up calling him when I got back to my place at the end of the weekend and end it with him. I remember saying that I didn't see a future with him and wish he gave me some space. He asked if we could talk and work on things but zi ended up crying and said no. We said goodbyes. We tested a few days after about how our day's were going. Then he text me saying he was drunk but that he missed me and wish we went slow. I didn't reply at all. He texted me again 3 days later about a recommendation for something he knew I knew a lot about. I told him it's no good us talking and wished him well and blocked him.

To this day, I don't know why I treated him like that after the break up (blocking him). I don't know why I ended it with him either. I was in a weird place when I ended it with him. I think I was worried of another relationship where things moved fast (as my previous ones ended up me getting abused or manipulated). I still see him as the best guy that I've ever dated by a country mile. My parents loved him and my friends loved how happy he made me.

What's wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me if I ended things with a guy that was and probably still is, the perfect guy for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, missthrowaway said:

There must be something wrong with me if I ended things with a guy that was and probably still is, the perfect guy for me.

Or maybe you were just not that into him. 

You said a few times how good he was to you, how much he cared about you and so on. All good. But you say little about your actual interest in him as a person. Sometimes we choose people who adore us, even though we might not feel the same way in return - but we enjoy that feeling or being adored and loved. Perhaps that's what happened here. It felt good to be cared for and respected, but maybe you were just not that into him. 

[missthrowaway]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Or maybe you were just not that into him. 

You said a few times how good he was to you, how much he cared about you and so on. All good. But you say little about your actual interest in him as a person. Sometimes we choose people who adore us, even though we might not feel the same way in return - but we enjoy that feeling or being adored and loved. Perhaps that's what happened here. It felt good to be cared for and respected, but maybe you were just not that into him. 

I mean I found him sexy and reliable, I liked him, I was growing fond of him, and not in 'just a friend' way.

I hate putting myself down, but now and again I think if the anxiety from my previous relationship abuse blinded me 😔 I would have a habit of comparing at times

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, missthrowaway said:

There must be something wrong with me if I ended things with a guy that was and probably still is, the perfect guy for me.

While I don’t disagree that you need to look at the reasons why you pushed this man away...
I’m just curious to know how he knew he was the perfect man for you after one month? 

If I was to guess, I would say that you met someone you really liked and it scared you. Your anxiety didn’t allow you to take things slow and enjoy the experience. You knew that this had potential and you would be required to take a risk and make yourself vulnerable. That’s when your anxiety got the better of you and fight or flight kicked in... So, you pushed him away - safe again. And now, you lament the “perfect man” that you lost. When really, you can’t possibly know that after one month. 

It seems to me that this is all based in anxiety and unrealistic expectations. Ask me why I say this...

 

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[SaraSays]

It's easy to retrospectively re-write history. You can't change what happened, but you can change how you do things in future. If you think it's help to talk with a skilled person, seek out a community or religious support in your neighbourhood, or pay a life coach for some guidance.

Some ideas to pass time and build character.

Take up volunteering, Participate in some team sports, and learn a language, to bring you into contact with new people.

[missthrowaway]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

While I don’t disagree that you need to look at the reasons why you pushed this man away...
I’m just curious to know how he knew he was the perfect man for you after one month? 

If I was to guess, I would say that you met someone you really liked and it scared you. Your anxiety didn’t allow you to take things slow and enjoy the experience. You knew that this had potential and you would be required to take a risk and make yourself vulnerable. That’s when your anxiety got the better of you and fight or flight kicked in... So, you pushed him away - safe again. And now, you lament the “perfect man” that you lost. When really, you can’t possibly know that after one month. 

It seems to me that this is all based in anxiety and unrealistic expectations. Ask me why I say this...

Hate to be one of those people, but it was more near to two months, first few days of Novemeber and like 20th ish of December, 7 weeks I guess altogether haha!

Maybe 'perfect guy' is too much, I used it as an example of the perfect guy on paper for me and he was ticking all the boxes.

I can't bring myself to unblock him and reach out. What if he ignores my message or hates me. I feel like I've ruined it tbh.

Edited May 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Alpacalia]

I don't think you ended things because you weren't interested in him, but because you were fearful, and your apprehension got the best of you.

"Where is this going?" you wonder, followed by "what if xyz" occurs.

You were both excited and worried about the possibility of a disappointing result, and you couldn't properly reconcile the two.

[SaraSays]

3 months is limerence, when we're all fooling each other, putting on a show. It takes 4 seasons together to begin to scratch the surface, I reckon.

[missthrowaway]

I'm so use to my friends and family supporting me that the bluntness here has caught me off guard but it's helping a lot! 

@BaileyB I think you nailed it really, no one has every said it like you have! 

Me blocking him, he must of thought I was a mean or something. At the time I must of believed I didn't need him but now felt like I've done a full 180 but still I haven't contacted him

Edited May 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

Look him up on social media.

[missthrowaway]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Look him up on social media.

We followed each other on Instagram but after I ended it he removed me following him and stopped following me, his account is on private, it was when we first met if I remember, so is mine. He hasn't used FB for years.

[BaileyB]

I can’t imagine that he will be keen to hear from you. 
It’s not like you hurt him and he’s angry, he’s probably thinking more like WTF?

If you do have a way to contact him, you certainly could contact him to offer an explanation and an apology. It would be his decision whether he trusted you enough to want to see you again. You just need to be prepared that his answer may be “thanks, but no thanks.”

In which case, you use this as a learning experience. It seems you have some work to do before you are ready to date or have another relationship. How are you going to deal with the issues from your past relationship? 

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[missthrowaway]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I can’t imagine that he will be keen to hear from you. 
It’s not like you hurt him and he’s angry, he’s probably thinking more like WTF?

If you do have a way to contact him, you certainly could contact him to offer an explanation and an apology. It would be his decision whether he trusted you enough to want to see you again. You just need to be prepared that his answer may be “thanks, but no thanks.”

In which case, you use this as a learning experience. It seems you have some work to do before you are ready to date or have another relationship. How are you going to deal with the issues from your past relationship? 

Sorry if I made a mistake in my post, but to make it clear, he hasn't blocked me, but I've blocked him - and I'm scared to unblock and reach out. I know I could just unblock him and see of he contacts me, but I'm equally scared in case he doesn't. It's so messed up I know. I think my pride a tad is getting in the way as well.

To answer your question, I stopped seeing someone about my relationship issues as I felt amazing, went on a few crappy dates and felt okay. Then I meet this amazing guy and soon enough my relationship fears return it seems ☹ I want to be loved by a guy but can't seem to escape my past

Edited May 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, missthrowaway said:

I want to be loved by a guy but can't seem to escape my past

Yes you can. Stop dragging it into the present an future.  Just tell yourself those chapters are over. You are a new person, this is a new chapter.

Don't label yourself as damaged, etc. Now, if you have generalized anxiety/depression and that is what the walls are about that's easy to address with good medical and mental health care.

Not every person/situation is going to work out. Some people/relationships simply suck. That's ok.

Poison ivy sucks, hangovers suck, getting the flu sucks, having a broken leg sucks, but you're not itching, vomiting, achy, limping from all of it now, are you? Point being, your emotions/brain recovers just like your body

Edited May 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mortensorchid]

Then don't unblock him and reach out.  What's done is done.

As to why your behaved the way you did towards him?  I'm not sure based on what you said here.  It sounds like you had a good situation and then you ... Didn't appreciate him?  Or him you?  Or you were looking for something that wasn't there? 

 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, missthrowaway said:

I'm scared to unblock and reach out. I know I could just unblock him and see of he contacts me, but I'm equally scared in case he doesn't.

What’s the worst that can happen? You unblock him and message him, offering an explanation and an apology. And then, maybe he responds to say “thank you” or he says he doesn’t want to see you again. Would you be ok? 

Not saying that you should unblock him. That’s your decision. Just trying to challenge your thinking - you are allowing your fear to make your decisions. But let’s say the worst happens, what then? Are you able to cope? 

 

12 minutes ago, missthrowaway said:

Then I meet this amazing guy and soon enough my relationship fears return it seems

As anyone who has experienced anxiety or worked with people who have anxiety, the only way to conquer your anxiety is to take the risk and face your fear. It would be good to go back, now that you’ve had a different experience, to discuss triggers and how you can move through this.

Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Some people unconsciously "punish" people for things that were done to them by others. Perhaps for all these men who treated you badly, you're (maybe) taking your distresses out on him (ie, "punishing" him by breaking up).

Some people self-sabotage in various ways for reasons that usually aren't clear, even to them.

Some people have "avoidant attachment" and push others away, to various degrees, when they get "too close". They are not comfortable with too much intimacy (in terms of "life sharing") and find ways to keep the other at (what they feel is) a "safe" distance.

These are all just speculations. However, it seems clear your ended things and you yourself aren't entirely sure why.

You could consider exploring with a therapist what issues you may have that drove this, so as to help prevent recurrences in future relationships.

[cleverusername]

Worst case scenario you reach back out and you're in the same position you're in now. Only difference is if you do give it a shot, you won't spend the rest of your life wondering. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Worst case scenario you reach back out and you're in the same position you're in now. Only difference is if you do give it a shot, you won't spend the rest of your life wondering. 

And if he doesn’t reply or tells you that he is not interested... life goes on. You will be ok. 

[basil67]

5 hours ago, missthrowaway said:

The weekend comes round and I'm away over a close girl friend of mine in the countryside. While I was there I hardly messaged the guy at all, and I still don't why, I just didn't have the urge to message him like normal. 

The thing I find really sad is that this experience is normal and healthy - but you perceived it as bad.   You were away with a friend - it was right to be focusing on her and what you were doing.   A quick "how was your day?" in the evening would have been more than sufficient.   Likewise, him wanting exclusivity after nearly two months isn't moving too fast.   That's assuming he wasn't talking about moving in or getting engaged  

I don't think it's a bad idea to find him again, apologise and ask for a second chance.  He may or may not respond favourably, but you've got nothing to lose by trying.  

[Lotsgoingon]

First step, necessary step, absolutely necessary step = figure out why you broke up. If you can't figure that out (even if you have changed your mind) then you are not ready to be in relationship.

Me thinks intuition led you to break up, but you don't trust your intuition. 

[BrianK]

Sounds like he smothered you, instant turn off.  You can go back, but you'll just recoil again if he keeps being a needy sap.

[Phallacy]

I dump first as a general rule.

The one that cares the least wins

[missthrowaway]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some people unconsciously "punish" people for things that were done to them by others. Perhaps for all these men who treated you badly, you're (maybe) taking your distresses out on him (ie, "punishing" him by breaking up).

Some people self-sabotage in various ways for reasons that usually aren't clear, even to them.

Some people have "avoidant attachment" and push others away, to various degrees, when they get "too close". They are not comfortable with too much intimacy (in terms of "life sharing") and find ways to keep the other at (what they feel is) a "safe" distance.

While I'm trying to figure things out, I feel myself connecting to what you've said here.

This also happened.

Three weeks into dating (had already stayed over mine end of week two, slept together and we were both fine) I was in the process of moving flats woth some housemates which I would be doing by the weekend. He had two days off during the week off from work as he had to use up work holiday allowance. He offered to help me start packing Wednesday afternoon while I was working from home which I was okay with.

He came over and we packed some books. We had some wine and I cooked for him. During the dinner he mentions that he starts feeling really faint and lightheaded. I put him into bed to rest up and gave some paracetamol and I went back into the lounge with my housemates. I remember starting to get annoyed and talking with my housemates about why he'd come over and offer to help only to be ill, he knew I was already stressed this week with the move and really needed the help. Looking back now, I can see this was probably unfair of me to think like that.

Two hours later he appears saying he feels better. Us two and my two house mates have another glass of wine and then we all head to bed. In my room we're in bed and he rolls over and apologises for not being helpful tonight, and offers to stay over during the day and pack up some more stuff as he wanted to help. I got defensive and told him that he wouldn't help pack because he hardly did this evening and probably doesnt even really want to. He told me that if I didn't want his help then he won't, but he wants to help and that it was unfair of me to say that he didn't want to, (especially with how much he's offered to help as he knows I'm stressing about how I'll do it all on my own). At the moment I read this as he was very angry with me (as the men I've dated have became angry men and abused me), told him that I don't want to date another angry man. Without even looking at him I asked him to leave mine, this was at midnight btw. He didn't leave straight away, he wanted to talk about this (I read this as him trying to be controlling which was another trait of the angry men I dated). I said no and then he got dressed, booked a taxi and left. As soon as I shut the front door I cried. 

Next morning I woke up to a voicenote from him. He was apologising if he made me feel uncomfortable, and that he wasn't angry at all, just disappointed that I believed he didn't want to help, and that hopefully we can move past this as he still wants to date me but understands if I didn't want to continue and that some space maybe needed. I realised he was right and that it was wrong to call and paint him as another angry man in my life - I never told him that though. I reached out that midday and thanked him for the voicenote, we moved on from it and we were back to normal. Throughout the rest of our dating life I never discussed with him the history of me and the angry men I've been in relationships.

The story above makes me seem crazy right? I jumped to conclusions and was able to so easily paint him as another angry man, who does that? He was so willing to help and was so supportive of me and anything I was struggling with - literally he offered to help and support more than all the other men I've dated together, that's how good of a guy he was to me, the exact guy I was looking for.

So to round it off, yes, I punished him. Although in my good days I remember that night as him just disappointed that I jumped the gun, but in my bad days, I was still scared he'd become an angry and controlling guy like the others. And now I'll never truly know, but deep down I have a feeling he would never be an angry controlling man.

Edited May 2, 2021 by missthrowaway

[Sun Seeker]

Yes that does all make you sound a bit crazy. You are projecting your fears from your past on to him. That is very unfair.

You are not ready to date. Until you stop comparing new people you meet, to the people of your past, and realise everyone is different, and deserves a clean slate, you will not progress.