Nicole Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 My husband said I shouldn’t go to the gym 5 days a week and should save energy for him. He said that is not the same as telling me not to go to the gym. Isn’t that the same thing or am I crazy? He’s been getting mad and saying his sex drive is higher than mine. We have really good sex 1-2 times a week. Yet he has a issue with taking me on dates and says he doesn’t know how to plan one. He wants the physical before and without doing much emotional. We have been married for 13 years since I was 19, we both have put in a lot of work and effort but there is always an issue still. I don’t know if I want to continue this marriage where there is so many issues. I want a relationship that has some light hearted fun, adventure, excitement about the future. we recently stopped drinking, 7 months sober! and all these things are becoming more clear. The alcohol isn’t masking the issues anymore. I know I can’t get everything out in one post but I figured this was better then going to the store for tequila. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 A spouse can't tell you whether to go to a gym or not. So that's not the issue. The issue is he's lazy in the romance department and in turn that decreases your desire to be with him. Plan dates yourself. Make date nights happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Plan dates yourself. Make date nights happen. Yep.... that. Remember... you shouldn't blame him for something you aren't doing yourself !! So, plan a date or two, and tall him you want to go out, and he also needs to plan things. Be verbal on exactly what you want. After reading a bunch of stories here... And in my own life... I hear about women who are tired of their SO, and blame them for not doing things... but the woman never actually voiced those concerns to their SO. People can't read minds. The other side of this is... since you use the word "Sober"... I'm assuming the drinking was excessive, and it was an intermingle part of your lives. So, a few thoughts there... first... you have both changed because of that. Second... his idea of "Going on a date" is probably going to a bar/club. If you don't want things to end... you both need to lear how to date without alcohol. As far as going to the gym... do whatever you need to do to stay sober. But just to look at things on his side... if you are coming home, and then don't want to bond with him because you are tired... then maybe you should back off a little. Because from his side... if you are ignoring him... then he may start feeling the same way. (you are neglecting the emotional and physical) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 1-2 times a week... Sounds like hell. As a man I could never settle for only having sex that often if living with my significant other. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) Your husband is pretty clueless when it comes to women. Tell him with women sex starts by a nice good morning, a coffee together, a kiss good bye before work. A woman wants sex when she feels important, loved and desired. It's not something we provide on command. If you want dates then pick 1 night a week for a date night. Organize the date you both like, eventually he'll realize the benefit of being kind to his wife. Edited May 2, 2021 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, Punterxx said: 1-2 times a week... Sounds like hell. As a man I could never settle for only having sex that often if living with my significant other. So it's in his interest to start being kind to her. If he starts putting some efforts in being a husband he'll get more sex. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 It's not about gaslighting, manipulation or control. It's about communication, expectations & compatibility. Explain to your husband that men generally need sex to feel loved but women need to feel loved to have sex. Promise that if he steps up the romance you will have more sex with him. Then remind him that you go to the gym to look good for him & to keep up your stamina. Now follow through with more sex & you should get more romance. Do tell him what counts as romance but it needs to be simple & low cost: eating dinner by candle light; dancing in the living room; a $10 bouquet of flowers from the grocery store; making love by candlelight; holding hands on a walk; taking a bubble bath etc. You get to define what romance is but don't expect fancy restaurants, jewelry or expensive flowers every day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 3, 2021 Share Posted May 3, 2021 Quote Is this gas lighting This term frequently gets misused by those interested in making another person's actions sound worse than they actually are. Quote manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. Clearly not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Congratulations on getting sober! Stay with it no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 On 5/2/2021 at 10:06 AM, Nicole said: we recently stopped drinking, 7 months sober! And... On 5/2/2021 at 10:06 AM, Nicole said: I shouldn’t go to the gym 5 days a week I see this as one addition is now replaced by another.... Alcohol replaced by endorphins. On 5/2/2021 at 10:06 AM, Nicole said: I don’t know if I want to continue this marriage where there is so many issues. I want a relationship that has some light hearted fun, adventure, excitement about the future. This sounds about right, why would you put in any effort into the R if he isn't? You have been married for 13yrs. it will be next to impossible for him to make the R "light hearted fun, adventure and excitement about the future" for you.... With expectations like those that you feel you are entitled to.... Leave your H in a cloud of dust because he will never live up to them!!! That's only what a new R will provide... 13+19=32 yrs old. If you are going to find someone new you had better get to it.... Just to prove you still can get a man to commit to you? Or is that why you are at the gym 5 days a week, you have already found the wall??? You can not turn back time!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Stupidkupid Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 On 5/2/2021 at 1:47 PM, Punterxx said: 1-2 times a week... Sounds like hell. As a man I could never settle for only having sex that often if living with my significant other. Interesting comment. I don't know normal this is, to be honest. sex twice a week in a 13 year relationship is not that bad. My partner and I probably have the same and often its him falling asleep etc before me. On saying that, and I think it's worth noting. he once said to me that for him the sex is about feeling wanted. He very much views physical intimacy as his signs of love and affection. So, because we communicate, I know that even if we are going at it like rabbits, as long as we are intimate, I show him he's valued, that's good for him. He just wanted to feel he is important to me. And he is, so I work at that. And I think this is more the OPs problem... the communication is not there and something changed when the drinking did (maybe inhibitions don't get lowered). Frankly I would rather have 2 great sessions where we have loads of foreplay and a great time, than sloppy drunk sex 3-4 times per week Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted May 6, 2021 Share Posted May 6, 2021 To me, personally, you seem like very hard work. I wouldn't date you. Your husband needs to man up and dump you. Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted May 6, 2021 Share Posted May 6, 2021 3 minutes ago, IslandSanctuary said: I wouldn't date you I don't see where she asked you, and she's got no reason to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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