Catfish

[Alfano]

Hopium is not an effective strategy.

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

No thanks. I'll pass

Not a single person here is surprised.

[Alpacalia]

It's a shame when someone refuses to help themselves when they can clearly benefit from it (aka therapy).

You can't possibly like yourself that much.

[Happy Lemming]

30 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's a shame when someone refuses to help themselves...

 

In general, when someone is afraid of something for a very long time, the fear becomes quite strong.  It takes on a life of its own.

The longer you let it win, the stronger it becomes.  Individuals begin to make extraordinary excuses as to why they cannot change and this fear is happy, it feeds on its own existence.

Unless one is willing to start to chip away at that fear, it will never go away and nothing will change.  It can be defeated with small steps in the right direction. Slowly you begin to take its power away (step by step) until it becomes insignificant.  Only then do you win.

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

It's a shame when someone refuses to help themselves when they can clearly benefit from it (aka therapy).

You can't possibly like yourself that much.

It has zero benefit for me whatsoever. Been there done that, have a few different t shirts. I am glad it worked for you and others but I am simply not interested in going back there. 

I am quite fond of myself, the bottom line is the world has leagues so people say and those in my league do not hold much attraction for me and no number of hours with anyone will convince me to find these people attractive. Not sure what is so hard to understand about this.  

Nobody can understand why I would rather have coffee with someone I find amazing than sleep with someone I am really not that excited by. I have never done things conventionally and I again must thank you all because I am thinking more clearly than ever before re dating. Simply put that coffee has more allure for me, being in the presence of someone I find amazing overall means more to me and matters more to me than being doted on by someone I am really not into. 

The only real regret I have to live with is I will probably never really experience the full experience of dating the way I want to date. I'll miss out on apparently all the great stuff but then again that stuff would only be great if I really found that person amazing and lets be honest those people will never be interested in me. 

It is what it is. Sorry to disappoint those who hoped for a ZA goes on a date has sex and falls in love story. That is unlikely to ever happen but at least I know how good it is to love an idea. 

 

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

In general, when someone is afraid of something for a very long time, the fear becomes quite strong.  It takes on a life of its own.

The longer you let it win, the stronger it becomes.  Individuals begin to make extraordinary excuses as to why they cannot change and this fear is happy, it feeds on its own existence.

Unless one is willing to start to chip away at that fear, it will never go away and nothing will change.  It can be defeated with small steps in the right direction. Slowly you begin to take its power away (step by step) until it becomes insignificant.  Only then do you win.

Thanks but what I would need is simply unlikely to ever happen. As almost all have pointed, apparently what I seek I can never have and from my point of view nothing else will do. No amount of talking will convince me to settle for anything less. All I can do each day is be the best person I can be, judge myself by that standard and improve the things I can. 

This thread as made me totally fall out of love with the sort of dating which would be possible for me. 

 

[Alpacalia]

Well.

There does appear to be a lot of questions and answers.

Well, I guess if it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well, I guess if it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you.

It’s the very basis of health behaviour change - one is unlikely to change anything if they don’t think there is a problem.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody can understand why I would rather have coffee with someone I find amazing than sleep with someone I am really not that excited by.

 

When you say “amazing” what you mean is attractive. But most importantly this again is a false dichotomy. But that’s par for the course with you. The world is a gray area yet you insist it’s black and white. You’re wrong, and you’re continual failure with human connection is ample evidence. But you fail to see that as well….

[Miss Spider]

This thread that never ends. It will go on and on, my friends. Some people started writing here not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue writing here forever just because this is the thread that never ends. It will go on and on, my friends. Some people started writing here not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue writing here forever just because this is the 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It will go on and on, my friends.

And when it ends, ZAdater will start another… and so it goes…

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

And when it ends, ZAdater will start another… and so it goes…

Actually not because you have all convinced me what a wholly unattractive idea the dating I can potentially get is. 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

When you say “amazing” what you mean is attractive. But most importantly this again is a false dichotomy. But that’s par for the course with you. The world is a gray area yet you insist it’s black and white. You’re wrong, and you’re continual failure with human connection is ample evidence. But you fail to see that as well….

Well lets just agree to disagree. I am glad you want to sleep with people you do not find attractive, I however do not, its a simple preference. Someone I do not find attractive within one date I will not find attractive after 10 dates. Yes, for me it is or it is not. After all its not like I am given 10 dates to suddenly become attractive so I am quite OK dating nobody until I find someone who I do find attractive, which wont work anyway because well leagues but hey its better to chase what I like than settle for what I do not but again nobody agrees which I guess means you are blissfully happy with what you have which is great.

 

 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well lets just agree to disagree. I am glad you want to sleep with people you do not find attractive

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

I can't remember anybody telling you that they have relationships with those they find unattractive.   Rather, what many of us have been saying is that attraction can grow.   There may be a man at a party doesn't turn my head but when we start talking we just click, and my attraction level grows very quickly.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

I can't remember anybody telling you that they have relationships with those they find unattractive.   Rather, what many of us have been saying is that attraction can grow.   There may be a man at a party doesn't turn my head but when we start talking we just click, and my attraction level grows very quickly.

Someone I do not find physically attractive, I can sit with them for hours they will never become more attractive to me as a dating prospect irrespective what they say. I am thrown in the rubbish bin on the same basis. People it would seem can be fickle but based on the comments here as soon as I express any of so like, that is deemed wrong and I must cut so and so endless slack in the hope that well I change my mind about so and so. This would then assume so and so was actually trying to impress me but this never ever happens either, I see the way ladies behave around guys they find attractive, heck I saw it with this stupid cat fish experiment, I have never had any of that sort of behavior toward me.

Why would I put in any effort if there is no reciprocal effort? 

People put in effort if they are interested, if not, mostly they do not bother which is what I am doing. I am simply not prepared to waste my time on people who are not what I am looking for. If there is nobody, well there is nobody. I know guys who will go out and pick up anyone for one night of fun, others who have their pick of many for a one night of fun and others, well we never have a pick of anyone we actually find attractive which is why I am stepping back completely. Thanks to all you I can now rationalize why I never get anywhere and I can see the alternative being suggested, which is extremely unattractive to the point of not being of any interest at all. 

With A I opened myself up a lot more than I normally do and that got me nowhere and its never ever gotten me anywhere so why keep doing the same thing if the results are the same? Its completely pointless and a waste of time.  

The reality is if "leagues" really exist then I might as well not bother because that very concept will make every single part of dating unattractive to me and further solidify why people end up paying for sex. If the best one can do is really unattractive then what choice is there really.

 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody can understand why I would rather have coffee with someone I find amazing than sleep with someone I am really not that excited by.

This is your inexperience talking...

 

[bene]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Why would I put in any effort if there is no reciprocal effort? 

You are a free agent. You don’t have to do anything, least of all dating. 

People are giving you advice based on the information that you want a relationship. If you don’t want to date, don’t. 

[ZA Dater]

31 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is your inexperience talking...

 

Not its common sense. 

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not its common sense. 

  Neither common, nor sense...

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s the very basis of health behaviour change - one is unlikely to change anything if they don’t think there is a problem.

Clearly.

As evidenced by the title of this thread.

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The reality is if "leagues" really exist then I might as well not bother because that very concept will make every single part of dating unattractive to me and further solidify why people end up paying for sex. If the best one can do is really unattractive then what choice is there really.

 

They really do exist, although a lot more subtle than a 1-10 scale would suggest. More like a 1-1000 scale. And you also have acknowledged they exist. 
 

Broadly speaking, if you’re of average attractiveness than the best you can do is likely someone else of average attractiveness. However that person can be very attractive to you based on other things like overall compatibility. 

 

And yes, you can sleep with someone out of your league if you pay for it. 
 

[jspice]

Is there really any need to keep giving him the same information? 
Its ridiculous at this point. 

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

They really do exist, although a lot more subtle than a 1-10 scale would suggest. More like a 1-1000 scale. And you also have acknowledged they exist. 
 

Broadly speaking, if you’re of average attractiveness than the best you can do is likely someone else of average attractiveness. However that person can be very attractive to you based on other things like overall compatibility. 

 

And yes, you can sleep with someone out of your league if you pay for it. 
 

Its these sort of comments which make it very easy to actually not want any of this, absolutely none of these apparently "amazing" things. I actually used to believe in the bold to some extent while growing up but I have realized as a guy you can have whatever character traits you like, it will NEVER be enough to overcome a lack of physical attraction. 

None of these apparent "average" matches are compatible either so I guess I need to bend over backwards there to, so what I have is this

1: Someone I do not find very attractive

2: Someone I have to bend over backward to be compatible with.

I cannot think of much worse than that in dating, effectively I might as well remain single if those are my options. 

I'll pass if this how everyone else dates.

 

[ZA Dater]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

  Neither common, nor sense...

I guess based on the consensus here its more common for people to date people they do not really find physically attractive but over time they convince themselves that the particular person is very attractive by maybe some other measure. Frankly I also believe this method is once again reserved for those who have no options, lets call it the "take whatever you can get method". 

The difference with me, unless she is attractive to me she is automatically discounted much like the same way I am automatically rejected by ladies who find me unattractive. Cant ever recall me being given the benefit of the doubt so there is absolutely NO way I am going to reciprocate and offer others the benefit of the doubt. 

No actually I think the solution is go back to what I did a few years ago and be as hardnosed and uncompromising as possible because heck if the best I can do are people I find unattractive I might as well just do whatever.  Feel pretty good to walk around bitter too and makes for good conversation when everyone is showing you the next 5 dates they have lined up, each better looking than the one before.

 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Its these sort of comments which make it very easy to actually not want any of this, absolutely none of these apparently "amazing" things.

I cannot think of much worse than that in dating

Well then, don’t date. Live your life as a single man. Lots of people do it. 

 

Edited July 29, 2021 by BaileyB