Catfish

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Thats reasonable enough, at least your finding attraction in some instances, I completely get the warm personalities and as we mentioned before you need something to ignite your interest in getting involved in the conversation

did you try getting to know any of these even purely on friendship terms, one of them could give you a few pointers maybe about where you could make subtle improvements and so on,

having a close female friend can be a help I always found, even if you have to grin and bear that she does'nt fancy you as boyfriend material,

What are your cooking skills like, could you invite a woman around and cook nice food for her,

You need to find this more romantic side within you, any of the above four you found attractive, what did you do to impress them?

Did you surprise them with a bold invite away on a trip together- taking the initiative and being bold, not passive,

You seem to get lots of dates which suggests your an attractive prospect yourself on paper,

try to believe in yourself more on the actual date- "you are the prize" as someone suggested earlier and you are a damn good prize.

you mention looks a lot- you could try a hard fitness regime and put in a huge effort to build up muscles and so on, if you feel that will make you more confident in yourself,

Finally then I always think there are a lot of attractive women out there- the majority of women like to look good and so on, the number of women you find attractive should not be such a narrow pool,

I agree its not easy to find attractive looking, warm personality and feeling comfortable with- but nevertheless there should be plenty out there.

 

Sure, I have been friends with K for over 4 years but there again its business, yes when we see each other we talk about life but I get it I cant expect women to actually help me, that is not something they want to do, sure the ones I do find attractive do motivate me but when I find the next one and try nothing comes of it so eventually what really is the point, I am trying and well getting nowhere. Cooking, about as good as my skills at reading women which is to say poor!

How I tried with all of those was to just be nice, its the only thing I can do, the one I spent an evening dancing with and mostly looking like a fool because I dance so badly, its easy to say be bold but when all you have are losses I actually want to limit losses so I do what I can to get a result while trying to mitigate the downside. I really wanted to date A but it quite quickly became apparent that I could never actually do that because, she had someone picked out for her, her friends heavily motivated how fantastic he was, she bought into it pretty comprehensively and he could do just enough apparently to live up to the heavy selling done.

The dates I get are misleading because I simply go through the motions because almost never do these people actually appeal to me. So called numbers game they call it apparently. Working out I do more to zone out from work a bit and try keep healthy. I am just really at the point where I think I am becoming nearly impossible to impress, the bar has been set so high that everything else is just of no real interest. Its hard to back myself to succeed when I honestly do not know what dating success is or what it feels like.

You are right there are attractive women but lets be real here do they really find me attractive, the answer based on history is a big NO. Add in the fact I cant ever open up because who really wants a guy who at 37 has never dated and has not had sex. 

Probably the only thing I actually like about dating are imagining possibilities I will probably never get to experience. Or when I can I contrive to create some of those possibilities like I did with A and with K, who both got to experience nice events simply because I just wanted to share those events with someone I liked spending time with, the bonus was I had someone around rather than being on my own each time. There was never any romantic possibility, it was like taking a friend really but it was better than going on my own.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

That I guess is because of the vibe you give off.
She treated you formally and him informally.
You like a  business associate, a  doctor, a bank manager, a client... a formal interaction, him as a friend and potential lover.
 People tend to mirror, so I guess she perceived you as being formal and holding her at arm's length so she reciprocated in kind.

It was just zero attraction, I will never win against the wealthy, good looking, charming guy even if he "dates" multiple people at the same time. All it was for me was a nice conversation and I just saw it as that and appreciated it as that. I could sit and look at myself, pick myself apart and feel terrible about myself or I can just love me for who I am, I did the former for years and the latter makes life quite a lot better even if it does not take away the sense I am missing out on fundamental things other people enjoy.

Maybe the question I should ask you all this is this: If you met me on a date and you knew my story like you all mostly do would I be deemed to be unattractive, fair play I will get crucified but I can take it. 

 

 

[elaine567]

But you say ALL women give you the hand shake treatment and that to me says you are seen as not friendly and warm and touch feely.
They keep their distance, as you are keeping your distance from them.
You say you often quickly go into business mode, which is your comfort zone and that would point to why a handshake would be seen as appropriate.
Women are often very socially aware, they suss out people all the time.
These women do not  feel comfortable enough in your presence to give you a kiss on the cheek. 

[chillii]

Exactly and once again after yrs of it , it comes back to vibe but he just doesn't get it.za we can all feel your vibe even without knowing you from Adam, just through all your posting and personality that comes through , your views and ways , it's very obvious why you'd get the hand shake. l use to try to tell you to loosen up as many others have since but unfortunately you just don't understand the idea .

One of my brothers is a bum , no money, hasn't worked in 20yrs , doesn't even have a car half the time, women love him. Buttttt, people here have shown you 1000s of other examples over the yrs that blow all your theories out of the water yet even in things like that , your rigidness is unshakable - hence your vibe and handshakes , l couldn't even imagine a woman bouncing over to you to kiss good bye.

Edited October 15, 2021 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But you say ALL women give you the hand shake treatment and that to me says you are seen as not friendly and warm and touch feely.
They keep their distance, as you are keeping your distance from them.
You say you often quickly go into business mode, which is your comfort zone and that would point to why a handshake would be seen as appropriate.
Women are often very socially aware, they suss out people all the time.
These women do not  feel comfortable enough in your presence to give you a kiss on the cheek. 

Odd really as none had even met me before.....it is what it is, actually I could not care less it was just something I have noticed over the years. Yeah I go into business mode because that is where I am comfortable, nothing really wrong with that as far as I am concerned and to be honest I would never be able to tell if anyone was interested anyway.

A lot of the ability to succeed is this is to be attractive and finding a LOT of confidence from somewhere, I simply have never found that somewhere and have not found a degree of attractiveness either apparently. Years ago I met a guy in the work context who was down on his luck, he had resigned himself to never being able to do certain things, nobody in his family had been to university (sadly extremely common in SA) and he came to gain work experience while studying correspondence, I could see he had potential and I helped him find that potential and you would be amazed what some degree of achievement and success did for him and his approach. The point here is I am trying to find that one springboard to actually use as a base, that one success to make myself believe I can actually do this. People accuse me of running away from rejection and I do because my confidence evaporates and what little belief I had vanishes.

Ultimately women have what they like and for the most part I am not it, that is just the cold reality of it. 

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, chillii said:

Exactly and once again after yrs of it , it comes back to vibe but he just doesn't get it.za we can all feel your vibe even without knowing you from Adam, just through all your posting and personality that comes through , your views and ways , it's very obvious why you'd get the hand shake. l use to try to tell you to loosen up as many others have since but unfortunately you just don't understand the idea .

One of my brothers is a bum , no money, hasn't worked in 20yrs , doesn't even have a car half the time, women love him. Buttttt, people here have shown you 1000s of other examples over the yrs that blow all your theories out of the water yet even in things like that , your rigidness is unshakable - hence your vibe and handshakes , l couldn't even imagine a woman bouncing over to you to kiss good bye.

Do you understand how difficult that is to change, to change your very personality? Am I jaded yes, you would be too. Am I cynical, sure, again you would be to. I am constantly amazed the people simply would rather hear what they want to hear rather than actually hear the truth. 

Really for me its a case of: How likely is it I can accomplish this versus the pain of trying to change on a remote chance, when I weigh those two up I can find yet more reasons the people I like will never find me attractive so why go through the pain for no real advantage besides the fact I am never not going to be that quiet intense guy who has little humour and even less fun.

I am deeply envious of people who do get to experience what I want to experience, I make no bones about that fact. I can delude myself that I may yet still experience it but cold logic simply suggests I wont, most of what I want people experienced in their late teens.

Perhaps this sums me up best: I want more than I am wanted.

[elaine567]

49 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Odd really as none had even met me before.....

They don't really need to have met you before, your body language will tell them everything.

50 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

..it is what it is, actually I could not care less it was just something I have noticed over the years

Why do you not care less?
You should care.
You are displaying a "Stop! Come no further" sign and women are picking it up.
 

[ZA Dater]

57 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

They don't really need to have met you before, your body language will tell them everything.

Why do you not care less?
You should care.
You are displaying a "Stop! Come no further" sign and women are picking it up.
 

In the grand scheme I am always by far the least attractive person in the room so it hardly matters what my body language says. My approach now is really to just built up the walls, offer up conversation if spoken to and let what is be.  Maybe I'll find a reason to take those walls down at a point but I do not have too much hope of that because again there are always better options and sure I can try make myself a better option but the things I am so bad are are not ones which can actually be radically changed.

You of all people are advocating reality and this is it. Just about the only good dating related quality about me is I am often described as a gentleman. 

I am going to another event next week on my own and I'll just have to live with it, enjoy what I can and try not be too aware of the fact I will be the only one with no partner, the mutterings will be there as they always are. More walls go up to deal with this. 

Perhaps where everyone else goes right and I go wrong is they have a wider pool of potential whereas I have no pool at all.  Someone suggested common interests, I have been going to car events for two decades and never found anyone, then again as usual my interest there is no mainstream either, I have tried to charm two women I met at events and got flatly rebuffed, once again I lost out to looks, charm and wallet. 

To be quite frank all my social interactions are businesslike, all of them, there is no real alternate version of me. I ask myself what an ideal would be, A would have been that, an alternative to that would be someone I simply do business with and get to spend a lot of time with, that would help but I get the feeling I am simply not a love able person to most, too robotic, too removed, too quiet, too unemotional, thinks to much, not warm enough, not affectionate enough and I can go on and on. Maybe this is why when I meet warm people I find them so attractive because they actually make me feel something.

I nearly set up an arrangement once, we met in person, she took one look at me and after a week of texting before I never heard from her again, again this is telling. 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Perhaps where everyone else goes right and I go wrong is they have a wider pool of potential whereas I have no pool at all. 

Yes. If you keep doing things the same way, you don’t give yourself an opportunity to find your “pool”. And you won’t do anything different of course. 

[chillii]

We know you've no luck to give you confidence or to seem even worth while trying anymore. But things l'm talking about aren't going out on any limb or risking another kick in the face or changing yourself or trying anything, it's just lightening up . l've ran my own business 25yrs no way l carry business mode around with me, it's place is only at work and even then only when called on, the rest of the time l'm just me people wouldn't even realize l do some of the stuff l do. You gotta switch it off live and enjoy life too that's the key, laugh have some fun, hell even at work to when you can you've gotta enjoy that too. We know it's your defense mechanism socially but it's no place outside of business believe me.

Just switch that bs off and lighten up in life in general it risks and looses nothing don't take yourself so damn serious.

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by chillii

[bene]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I get the feeling I am simply not a love able person to most, too robotic, too removed, too quiet, too unemotional, thinks to much, not warm enough, not affectionate enough and I can go on and on. Maybe this is why when I meet warm people I find them so attractive because they actually make me feel something.

Again, this is something to address with a therapist because this is what’s holding you back. In general people (like yourself) need warmth and affection. In a romantic relationship it is essential. In a family children particularly need love and warmth. Think about it, marriage is not a transaction like it used to be historically. Ask the women in this forum - most of them are perfectly capable to provide for themselves and they need a partner for emotional reasons, someone to build a life with. If you are not willing to contribute in that area then what is left - an arrangement? But you lament that you don’t like the transactional aspect of dating. You say bitterly that all that money, looks and status is all that counts but you are not willing to provide anything beyond these things.

It is a common mistake to think that once I’m in a relationship all my problems and shortcomings will magically disappear. This is a recipe for disaster. Yes, of course the right people will have a synergy together and 1+1 > 2 but this means that both are giving their best. If this magical unicorn model appears, what is it that you will give to her? A handshake?

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I get the feeling I am simply not a love able person to most, too robotic, too removed, too quiet, too unemotional, thinks to much, not warm enough, not affectionate enough and I can go on and on. 

Forget about your looks holding you back.
None of these traits listed are conducive to attracting and having a good relationship with  most women.
Even if you did attract anyone, you are the kind of emotionally unavailable guy most women on here complain about and want to leave.
You need to try and sort yourself out with some professional help before it is all too late.

[Foxhall]

On 10/15/2021 at 9:30 PM, ZA Dater said:

ike I did with A and with K,

Is the door completely closed with these two,

If I was you Id be still working on them, something along the lines of lightening the mood in your interactions, such as texting each other "your song for the day" ( I think there is a thread on that here!) building up some chat as to why you each like a particular song and so on. Any new date if you get past the first meet, that can be a topic for building rapport between dates.

maybe on other dates that you go on, look to introduce some lighter topics not have it all so business like, star signs for instance is something women tend to love talking about it.

Yes that kissing and handshake thing, people may be surprised kissing greetings can be hard enough for a guy who is tense and not much experience with women, Your probably going to need a bit of luck, to meet the right woman who will give you a little help ease the awkwardness as it were,

how could you be less tense and more relaxed on dates I wonder, a more chilled vibe will definitely boost your chances

I know your not a drinker- but maybe a little shot of brandy or something try and settle you a bit,

otherwise I think massage was something we spoke about before, I think that could help relax you and it also introduces that bit of physical intimacy with a woman get your juices flowing,  

you dont have any obvious vices or that either or baggage , well other than a shaky self-esteem, so you know your still a decent catch for someone,

Anyway as always , good luck. (buena suerte)

 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

Is the door completely closed with these two?

Yes. The door is definitely closed with both women. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Foxhall said:

Is the door completely closed with these two,

If I was you Id be still working on them, something along the lines of lightening the mood in your interactions, such as texting each other "your song for the day" ( I think there is a thread on that here!) building up some chat as to why you each like a particular song and so on. Any new date if you get past the first meet, that can be a topic for building rapport between dates.

maybe on other dates that you go on, look to introduce some lighter topics not have it all so business like, star signs for instance is something women tend to love talking about it.

Yes that kissing and handshake thing, people may be surprised kissing greetings can be hard enough for a guy who is tense and not much experience with women, Your probably going to need a bit of luck, to meet the right woman who will give you a little help ease the awkwardness as it were,

how could you be less tense and more relaxed on dates I wonder, a more chilled vibe will definitely boost your chances

I know your not a drinker- but maybe a little shot of brandy or something try and settle you a bit,

otherwise I think massage was something we spoke about before, I think that could help relax you and it also introduces that bit of physical intimacy with a woman get your juices flowing,  

you dont have any obvious vices or that either or baggage , well other than a shaky self-esteem, so you know your still a decent catch for someone,

Anyway as always , good luck. (buena suerte)

The door in dating terms is very much closed with both of them, though I still believe I got more nice experiences from both of them than I have had with anyone else. I am happy K is happy with her bf and A has apparently found someone fantastic, again I look at those guys and its easy to quantify why I was not chosen, its very obvious why so I just live with it.

I'll be quite honest pretty much nobody will compare with A because she ticked almost all of my boxes, what I did not like was so minor to be almost irrelevant. Now I chat to people on sites and I find I actually find very little about them attractive. For me attraction has always been a combination of things not just one thing. Mostly for me its based on feel which is ironic considering I rarely show any sort of feeling at all. Finding that combination of attributes is extremely hard and probably near impossible for me  so I start looking at other things, trying to convince myself I like those attributes but I simply do not.

When I think back I have always found the same things attractive, the first person I ever liked who I asked out and got rejected in front of 20 odd people, she had the same attributes I still find attractive today, she eventually landed up with an older hedge fund manager. When I say I simply go on dates and feel nothing, this is what I mean, these people simply do not have attributes/personalities I find attractive, the co worker I tried to charm for years, again the same attributes, I lost out there too.

I am actually pretty relaxed on dates and I try put some humour into it but to be honest 99% of dates I go on are with people I really do not find attractive, I simply go hoping I can fool myself enough to find them attractive. Lighter topics are fine but again the people I am sitting with do not interest me from the outset but I have stopped going on dates for this reason, I am simply wasting my time.

One thing I do need to live with when it comes to K and A is the fact I was simply not good enough for either of them and that is not a great feeling. The yoga instructor was another good example of this but there were some fundamental compatibility issues so while I miss her I do know there was no possible long term possibility, much like the trance party loving women I met once, she was more interested in me than most but that lifestyle is no compatible with me at all.

Aspects of my life do hurt, next weekend I am going to a stunning resort, not a place many people get to go to and it would be nice to share that experience with someone but unsurprisingly there is nobody to share it with. While I may enjoy the experience I know I would enjoy it considerably more sharing it with someone. Even when I have met people with similar interests that does not work either and to be honest my overriding feeling 99% of the time is "I am not good enough so wont get anywhere" which is why I look very acutely at people who do succeed with the sort of people I like, I look at what they have that I do not and its the usual things I keep going on about. 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Forget about your looks holding you back.
None of these traits listed are conducive to attracting and having a good relationship with  most women.
Even if you did attract anyone, you are the kind of emotionally unavailable guy most women on here complain about and want to leave.
You need to try and sort yourself out with some professional help before it is all too late.

Looks are the biggest problem because sadly looks get you in the door, success opens that door wider and charm, well that takes you to the balcony and you get to watch the sunset. I have seen people put with ridiculous fundamental failings for the sake of looks and here I am talking about both men and women so they do matter. 

I am capable of being very soft, very caring, generous but I often ask myself why I bother because I just get taken advantage of 99% of the time so its a lot easier to walk around unemotional, quiet and generally just exist because there is not much reason to show my softer side.

As for too late, I'd argue I walked through that door a while ago, just something else I live with. A was maybe an indication of what I could have had in a different life, there really was very little I disliked about that scenario, I genuinely loved spending time with her and the small kid because I could be all the warm, caring, thoughtful, kind that I know I can be but hide away because there is actually very little reason to be those things when I do not really find the person attractive, was I taken advantage of, maybe a bit but on balance I got out of the experience what I wanted, the years of wondering how nice certain aspects would be was worth it because those things were very nice.

Reality is though, the people who find me attractive offer nothing I am even remotely interested in, the number of these people is also very few. So yes I do walk around businesslike because why would I be anything else, I'll sit at the bar at the function, surrounded by charming, good looking guys with tons of confidence, those women do not care I would probably be the most dependable, they want the best looking with the best charm with the biggest wallet, fair play. In that situation being soft caring would get me nowhere because that is not what is deemed desirable. It MIGHT work with single mothers but again the average single mother does not interest me either so what I effectively do is date vicariously, I know enough people who date people they really like and I hear about the good and bad  and in some way just rationalise my own lack of any sort of attraction.

 

[Weezy1973]

49 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

When I think back I have always found the same things attractive, the first person I ever liked who I asked out and got rejected in front of 20 odd people, she had the same attributes I still find attractive today...

It's almost as if you think that by dating this type of woman, the pain, shame and humiliation that you still carry with you today from that event will dissolve into the ether...

[Foxhall]

On 10/16/2021 at 7:50 PM, ZA Dater said:

Perhaps this sums me up best: I want more than I am wanted.

Or "you want what you dont want,"

I suppose yes the lure of that socialite lifestyle remains an attraction however unobtainable. You are at least getting in the door but at the same time not really part of it.

You do write some very interesting posts articulating your thoughts very well, and a lot of what you describe on the challenges of dating is very relatable, while some of the contradictions that arise in your thoughts are equally fascinating,

I am sure there will be plenty of twists ahead , definitely some spirit or spark in you.

 

[bene]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Looks are the biggest problem because sadly looks get you in the door, success opens that door wider and charm, well that takes you to the balcony and you get to watch the sunset.

Rest assured it’s not your looks.

But it’s definitely a convenient thing to tell yourself because hey, looks cannot be changed, right, so I don’t have to do anything.

[elaine567]

I did not say looks do not matter of course they do, but  if what you stated is true about how you generally present yourself, your looks are the least of your problems.
What you describe is not attractive or sexy.

Your looks are average, but average looks can be transformed by a great smile, a friendly disposition and an outgoing personality.
Many people considered very attractive, are not blessed with the symmetrical features of true  beauty, but they shine due to how they conduct themselves.
You seem to have taken on board a whole lot of unattractive behavioural traits and are kind of surprised no-one who is attractive is attracted to you.

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It's almost as if you think that by dating this type of woman, the pain, shame and humiliation that you still carry with you today from that event will dissolve into the ether...

 I  think we all do things in the hope the number of positive outcomes outnumbers the negative outcomes. At the time it was a gutsy move which nobody else attempted so I get some credit for trying. Having said that I have never forgotten that so if I had to ever do it again I want to know I had a pretty good chance of not being rejected.....

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I did not say looks do not matter of course they do, but  if what you stated is true about how you generally present yourself, your looks are the least of your problems.
What you describe is not attractive or sexy.

Your looks are average, but average looks can be transformed by a great smile, a friendly disposition and an outgoing personality.
Many people considered very attractive, are not blessed with the symmetrical features of true  beauty, but they shine due to how they conduct themselves.
You seem to have taken on board a whole lot of unattractive behavioural traits and are kind of surprised no-one who is attractive is attracted to you.

They get me through the day just fine. Smiling, I have never forgotten the advice someone gave me here and I do try to smile from time to time and inevitably end up thinking about that advice but it would be true to say I do not smile often. 

Today I once again got the usual Monday morning array of social pictures "you know these women would be perfect for you" and sure some of them look ok but when they are at some dance party I simply know I am not compatible with them. In a sense there is a attractive and then there is attractive compatible which is like finding a diamond in ones garden. 

 

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Or "you want what you dont want,"

I suppose yes the lure of that socialite lifestyle remains an attraction however unobtainable. You are at least getting in the door but at the same time not really part of it.

You do write some very interesting posts articulating your thoughts very well, and a lot of what you describe on the challenges of dating is very relatable, while some of the contradictions that arise in your thoughts are equally fascinating,

I am sure there will be plenty of twists ahead , definitely some spirit or spark in you.

 

I could tell many a story about the doors I walk through the people I have met and I hate to say this but the person who has her pick of who to date has a very different outlook to the person who does not, yes there are issues on both sides of the coin but ask yourself how you would feel if nobody ever gave you any sort of attention, probably quite bad. Every time I meet these people I can sense they see my story and they do, they are exceptionally kind and that warmth, confidence and assuredness rubs off on me and yes I can find some sort of game, not enough but some. I guess they probably see me as just a guy rather than some player trying to take them home for the night, this has good and bad points.

The fundamental problem I have is there needs to be more to the person than just good looks....

Again the cat fish experiment put into context how poor my dating experiences have been, what I thought was OK actually was not, its tough when I have to try make the person like me as opposed to starting from a point of view, "she likes me let me try make her like me more" 

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, bene said:

Rest assured it’s not your looks.

But it’s definitely a convenient thing to tell yourself because hey, looks cannot be changed, right, so I don’t have to do anything.

You its everything about me, frankly I do not think they like one single thing about me, as a whole I am just incredibly unattractive to anyone I find attractive so its a case of trying to market something which is not marketable and is something nobody actually wants. Sure I can polish what I have but its like taking a brick and polishing it and hoping it will turn into a diamond, which is will not. Frankly I have spent most of my life in one way or another attempting to prove people wrong and prove myself wrong, everything has been a struggle like it is for most people but the idea of getting it right keeps me going.

 

[Prudence V]

On 10/16/2021 at 7:50 PM, ZA Dater said:

Do you understand how difficult that is to change, to change your very personality?

Nobody is saying you have to change your personality - just your behaviour. 
 

On 10/16/2021 at 9:54 PM, ZA Dater said:

I am simply not a love able person to most, too robotic, too removed, too quiet, too unemotional, thinks to much, not warm enough, not affectionate enough

This is a common perception for people on the spectrum. We don’t come across as warm and fuzzy because we’re not, in a neurotypical way at least. Yet we are very warm, very sensitive and very engaged with people we know and trust. 
 

But most of us manage to find partners, despite all that. I’ve posted several ideas upthread, many of which have worked for me personally, but since you don’t fancy anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone, you’ll never know what might work for you. 
 

Your other option is to mask. Masking is exhausting, and not really sustainable without periods of downtime to recharge, but it can be effective in making connections. And, since you tried your hand at catfishing, you might not be totally opposed to the idea. The best way to approach that IMV is to take a class in acting. Learn the basic skills of inhabiting, and projecting, another character. People who are naturally introverted and introspective are usually the best actors, so you should find it pretty easy to gain that skill set. Then, design a character - the suave, cool dude whose charm wins the women over - and develop the character as you would a role you were playing for a stage play or a movie. Think about his backstory, his habits, how he walks, how he dresses, his manner of speaking, etc. You know the kind of guys who fit the bill, so you can draw on their habits etc in fleshing out the character. 
 

Then, when you got out and meet someone, put on that character. Pretend it’s a scene from a play, and act as him. Leave yourself at home, and just be this other dude. The more authentically you can pull it off, the easier it will become slipping into that skin. It’s kind of “fake it till you make it” on steroids. 
 

If you get rejected, the bonus is, it’s not you being rejected, it’s your character. And if you have some luck, then you can slowly progress things and over time allow yourself into any relationship that develops. And when it feels safe enough, you’ll find that you’re allowing yourself to engage as yourself.