Catfish

[ZA Dater]

24 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I think that goes to show you are hanging around the wrong people, or fishing in the wrong pool.  Basically the social circle is not your "tribe" as has been said before. 

Or in the wrong country.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Or in the wrong country.

Yes I’m pretty sure some of us have mentioned this…

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Or in the wrong country.

Perhaps, but hard to imagine everyone is like your current social circle.  Can you get assigned to another country for your job to try it out, or go take a holiday there?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Lets just say maybe I have proven to myself I am attractive to some I find attractive, even if they do not live in the country I live in

Attractive in what sense?  🤔    If you weren't actively dating and at least kissing and canoodling, it wasn't in a romantic sense.

[basil67]

To clarify, people don't need to find a person attractive in order to have them as a friend.   

Edited June 15, 2021 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Attractive in what sense?  🤔    If you weren't actively dating and at least kissing and canoodling, it wasn't in a romantic sense.

Well actually getting Tinder matched with people I find attractive. Just this is enough to raise my spirits quite a bit to be honest, at least I know I am not ONLY attractive to those I find unattractive.

[elaine567]

A change of country will not solve the core issue.
ZA Dater cannot make the move from platonic friend to lover. 
Until he can do that, then nothing will change.
No normal full blooded woman whatever her nationality, is going to hang around being best friends forever with a guy who is supposed to be her lover.

[dramafreezone]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

ZA Dater cannot make the move from platonic friend to lover. 

Most men can't.  There's a reason why he's been labeled platonic, because she's not attracted to him.

Doesn't matter what he looks like or what he has.  SHE doesn't see him as a viable romantic partner.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Most men can't. 

Pretty sure most men can. Married, in a relationship, dating, having sex. All those things. 

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

SHE doesn't see him as a viable romantic partner.

Even if she did, he wouldn't know what to do with her. 
That is the huge, and very fundamental issue here.
He doesn't know what to say, how to act, what to do past platonic friendship, so that is always his strategy of choice.

[ZA Dater]

On 6/17/2021 at 8:55 AM, elaine567 said:

Even if she did, he wouldn't know what to do with her. 
That is the huge, and very fundamental issue here.
He doesn't know what to say, how to act, what to do past platonic friendship, so that is always his strategy of choice.

Indeed it is and the one thing I missed is the sense I am attractive to people I find attractive , I have managed to overcome that which has changed things for the good and I have the calm feeling back again. Actually I had a 25 year old here who was crazy about me, she was certainly far more attractive than I usually match with and maybe I was a bit quick to pour cold water on the whole thing but its not exactly fair me wasting her time when fundamentally there are more important things I am busy with at the moment. That is the thing, through a combination of things I have actually found myself in quite a happy space at the moment, the sense of there being something missing is far less. 

Of course the above is correct for the most part because I have learnt feelings are things best left unsaid because well, nobody really values them, best to just keep walking along the road of life. Still chat with A so that is nice and some will be pleased to know I am adopting a different conversation style. 

Does it really matter I am single, not really to be honest, if I keep myself busy.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

e who was crazy about me, she was certainly far more attractive than I usually match with and maybe I was a bit quick to pour cold water on the whole thing but its not exactly fair me wasting her time when fundamentally there are more important things I am busy with at the moment. That is the thing, through a combination of things.

Ok so you had an interested attractive 25yo crazy about you and you are too busy... Busy with what? What could possibly be more important than something.you have waited 20 years for?

Edited June 20, 2021 by elaine567

[basil67]

ZA, this sounds more like a deliberate act of self sabotage on your part.  What are you afraid of?

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Does it really matter I am single, not really to be honest, if I keep myself busy.

Am I reading this right - you finally found your unicorn, an attractive 25 year old who wants to go on a date with you - and you are “too busy” to spend time with her. Too busy with what? And since when do you worry about wasting her time… you followed the last woman around like a puppy dog, quite happy to waste both of your time and that had much less potential. 

If this isn’t fear and self sabotage, I don’t know what is - 

Edited June 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

if this isn’t fear and self sabotage, I don’t know what is - 

It could be love..

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Still chat with A so that is nice

 

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Am I reading this right - you finally found your unicorn, an attractive 25 year old who wants to go on a date with you - and you are “too busy” to spend time with her. Too busy with what? And since when do you worry about wasting her time… you followed the last woman around like a puppy dog, quite happy to waste both of your time and that had much less potential. 

If this isn’t fear and self sabotage, I don’t know what is - 

Lack of attraction in part I suppose. Call it my inner sense, if something seems to be good to be true it usually is. Busy with quite a few new work related projects which are taking lots of my time and generally just in a happier more positive space at the moment and that space is not as dependent on dating as I thought it might be.

I suppose my great weakness at most thing is coming up with an idea in my head and chasing that idea to the extent that no other idea will suffice. Look I will go and meet this 25yo but part of me wonders what is so fantastic about me and maybe yes part of me prefer chasing an idea versus living a reality. 

Ok and for the first time here I will say my type is more the sporty athletic rather than the more curvaceous ladies.

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

part of me prefer chasing an idea versus living a reality. 

Do you think? 

Because, any woman that shows any legitimate interest you dismiss - including the attractive 25 year old who is in your words “crazy about you.” 

Given the fact that you have redirected the topic of conversation back to a theoretical discussion of what you do/do not find attractive in a woman, I would say that you most definitely like talking about dating more than you like dating. So carry on…

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Do you think? 

Because, any woman that shows any legitimate interest you dismiss - including the attractive 25 year old who is in your words “crazy about you.” 

Given the fact that you have redirected the topic of conversation back to a theoretical discussion of what you do/do not find attractive in a woman, I would say that you most definitely like talking about dating more than you like dating. So carry on…

Its easy to dismiss what I does not really wholly appeal to me. Being crazy about me is not really enough to be honest if I am not crazy about her, I am not in such desperate need for attention. The hope of course is one day I find someone who does interest me as much as I interest them.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The hope of course is one day I find someone who does interest me as much as I interest them.

This won’t happen unless you deal with your unresolved issues. You’re the male equivalent of a woman that’s only attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It’s a defense mechanism.

[chillii]

 

The 25yr is pretty well a no brainer, if he wasn't into her he wasn't. Can't make that happen. Personally if l was in za's shoes though l still would've given it more of a chance bc sometimes those things could change as you got to know someone. At least tried seeing her a few more times . Would depend though on just how low the just not into her was, to the faking it degree would've been pretty cruel.

[ZA Dater]

On 6/22/2021 at 4:12 PM, Weezy1973 said:

This won’t happen unless you deal with your unresolved issues. You’re the male equivalent of a woman that’s only attracted to emotionally unavailable men. It’s a defense mechanism.

Not really, I look at it like this, if I am going to let someone into my life and mind then I need to be pretty sure I find them attractive enough. To be honest since I found people who do find me attractive who are attractive themselves I do not feel this massive need to rush out and date, COVID puts the brakes on that anyway so arguably I have suffered less than most with isolation. Again I can think most guys on this forum would be all over this 25yo, she is not unattractive, she just is not the athletic I find attractive. 

The real truth is I am not sure dating is the value add in life I thought it might be, A was different because her son created something which I really enjoyed very much and she is the athletic I find attractive.

[ZA Dater]

20 hours ago, chillii said:

 

The 25yr is pretty well a no brainer, if he wasn't into her he wasn't. Can't make that happen. Personally if l was in za's shoes though l still would've given it more of a chance bc sometimes those things could change as you got to know someone. At least tried seeing her a few more times . Would depend though on just how low the just not into her was, to the faking it degree would've been pretty cruel.

I'll meet her but I suspect my armor will be up and will turn into a business like interview, I am still pretty suspicious about someone who suddenly finds me on Bumble and I am the "most handsome man" yeah right, if I were I'd have got other matches before, call me cynical.

[basil67]

@ZA Dater I think you're right to be cynical.  I wouldn't respond to a guy who seemed too good to be true and called me 'most beautiful woman'

[chillii]

 

Ah right well that'd be weird alright . l thought you'd met and spent time with her.

[ZA Dater]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

@ZA Dater I think you're right to be cynical.  I wouldn't respond to a guy who seemed too good to be true and called me 'most beautiful woman'

Yip is why I am cooling things quite a bit, I should add she has just moved to the city too, the arrangements of which seem quite odd to me. I have spoken to her on the phone quite a bit which is odd for me to be honest. The thing I am trying each day now is to find something good about me and just be a bit easier on myself in general. I think the thing I probably want most in life is the family dynamic which I guess is odd to say but getting to experience a bit of it did change my point of view quite a lot.