Catfish

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What, try to date people I am not interested in. You are right I have no intention of trying that and would never suggest anyone else so that either.

You've talked about wanting a WOW factor.   For all my dating and two marriages, I've never, ever been wowed by someone when I first met them.  Instead, I'd start off at the point of "this person is really easy company and I really want to see them more.  Then things just keep getting better, the sex is great, the time spent together is great and I want to be with them more and more.  

If I'd waited for a WOW, I would be still single now and never have had the wonderful experiences (and the not so wonderful) which have made up my love life.

So yeah, it's totally understandable that you don't want to be with someone who really doesn't do it for you.  But this whole thing of wanting to be blown away is a pipe dream.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You've talked about wanting a WOW factor.   For all my dating and two marriages, I've never, ever been wowed by someone when I first met them.  Instead, I'd start off at the point of "this person is really easy company and I really want to see them more.  Then things just keep getting better, the sex is great, the time spent together is great and I want to be with them more and more.  

If I'd waited for a WOW, I would be still single now and never have had the wonderful experiences (and the not so wonderful) which have made up my love life.

So yeah, it's totally understandable that you don't want to be with someone who really doesn't do it for you.  But this whole thing of wanting to be blown away is a pipe dream.

Well unfortunately for me if someone does not interest me no amount of time spent with them will make them anymore interesting and yes I have tried this! 

I spent 2 hours on tinder yesterday, looking and reading profiles, changing my own profile and yet...

Someone who is unattractive to me when I meet them will not become more attractive over time just like those who find me unattractive don't bother giving me your benefit of time. I read somewhere that in reality a guy has the first 10 minute's to impress.

I have been wowed by people, be it their intellect, their outlook on life, their experiences, their passions in life, their looks so what wows me is very broad indeed. 

My guess is my lack of good dating experience is 50% me and 50% me never actually going on dates with people I find attractive. It's beyond irritating to continually never ever being able to swipe right and actually getting a match, never actually being able to go out with people I want to go out with, probably 75% my problem this for not being good looking enough to attract those people. 

The gap between what I can get and what I actually like is simply too big. 

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

The gap between what I can get and what I actually like is simply too big. 

Amen.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I have been wowed by people, be it their intellect, their outlook on life, their experiences, their passions in life, their looks so what wows me is very broad indeed. 

Curious that I am not one to be wowed, yet have had some great relationships and now, a long marriage.   Yet you are more easily wowed and can find nobody.   🤔

 

[jspice]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Curious that I am not one to be wowed, yet have had some great relationships and now, a long marriage.   Yet you are more easily wowed and can find nobody.   🤔

 

But remember, basil you settled. No wow, no contentment. 🤦🏽‍♀️

[jspice]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

What, try to date people I am not interested in.

I’ve never seen such kak reading comprehension and reasoning in my entire life. 
Nobody. Said. That. Ever! 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well unfortunately for me if someone does not interest me no amount of time spent with them will make them anymore interesting and yes I have tried this! 

My understanding is that “K” essentially did become more attractive over a very short period of time. She’s not your typical physical type - not slim and athletic. But it was her personality that made her attractive to you. 

[ZA Dater]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

My understanding is that “K” essentially did become more attractive over a very short period of time. She’s not your typical physical type - not slim and athletic. But it was her personality that made her attractive to you. 

I found K wow the first time I met her.

[Weezy1973]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I found K wow the first time I met her.

But not from her looks. Tinder profiles you’ll only be wowed from looks.

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

What, try to date people I am not interested in. ...

That is not the only advice you are getting...

[SumGuy]

22 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok so by some miracle someone wants to be my friend, then what? What do I do with someone who wants more than that? How do I just keep it friends?

You just say you don't feel about them that way.  You have direct expereince of how woman tell you no in such situations...use something like that.  Women generally take that much, much better than men.

Quote

I am just not seeing how being friends gets me any closer to what I actually want, people here told me to avoid that friend zone. So which is it?

As said before friend-zone and friend are two different things.  My blunt advice is people who say you can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender are just flat out wrong if they mean that as some universal statement.  Granted it seems that many just can't; that is their loss.   I could go on and on why, but that is irrelevant.  My and another posters point is the women you want and who may want you value a man who can have such friendships, it bespeaks a world view and character that they find attractive.  It is a world view few transactional people hold, and transactional people are those they seek to avoid.  

It gets you closer by getting you closer to being the person these women want.  Yes, it is asking you to change how you see things, to have a change of heart.  It is character, the easiest and hardest thing to develop.   You say you like to help people, then stop viewing friendships as transactions...trigger that altruistic side of you.   If nothing else this is enlightened self interest.

Quote

Honestly I am not looking for so called perfect person, just someone I like. I am happy to compromise for someone actually feel something for, both K and A I could chat for hours to. Both are really easy to spend time with. 

I'm not one to judge if what you seek is too perfect or not.  I'm just going off of what you have described and my expereince with women like that.   If you feel for them there is no compromise, it is all a package, and in the end it is feelings not objective checklists.  If you can spend time with K and A as a friend, truly look at you desire to be more, accept it make friends with that desire but let it go and enjoy the friend part then you are a long way their.  If you can enjoy just the platonic side in and of itself, without expectation of more, you are a long way their.  

I do not imagine this is like flipping a switch.  When times come and you wonder if how you are acting is more orbiter or friend, then ask how you would react if this was a male friend. 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

You just say you don't feel about them that way.  You have direct expereince of how woman tell you no in such situations...use something like that.  Women generally take that much, much better than men.

As said before friend-zone and friend are two different things.  My blunt advice is people who say you can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender are just flat out wrong if they mean that as some universal statement.  Granted it seems that many just can't; that is their loss.   I could go on and on why, but that is irrelevant.  My and another posters point is the women you want and who may want you value a man who can have such friendships, it bespeaks a world view and character that they find attractive.  

It gets you closer by getting you closer to being the person these women want.  Yes, it is asking you to change how you see things, to have a change of heart.  It is character, the easiest and hardest thing to develop.   You say you like to help people, then stop viewing friendships as transactions...trigger that altruistic side of you.   If nothing else this is enlightened self interest.

I'm not one to judge if what you seek is too perfect or not.  I'm just going off of what you have described and my expereince with women like that.   If you feel for them there is no compromise, it is all a package, and in the end it is feelings not objective checklists.  If you can spend time with K and A as a friend, truly look at you desire to be more, accept it make friends with that desire but let it go and enjoy the friend part then you are a long way their.  If you can enjoy just the platonic side in and of itself, without expectation of more, you are a long way their.  

I do not imagine this is like flipping a switch.  When times come and you wonder if how you are acting is more orbiter or friend, then ask how you would react if this was a male friend. 

Lots of this I agree with. I get value from K and A, much more value than I get from dating, especially when the dating experience is so poor in general. I can do that friend thing with both, I have known K for 5 years. Most people say I am very loyal, thoughtful good friend. I have had more good times shared experiences with K than any date. 

From my perspective I am trying stupidly to take those good friend qualities to dating but that does not work. 

On the one hand I have K and A both of whom really bring lots of good and I would date either but realised I can't. I then actually try date and not only am I finding none of that good I am not finding anything I am good at has any value.

Realistically it's very difficult to find any sort of middle ground because to me there has not really been anyone who just adds more. Yea I don't get the physical, yea I don't see either too often but when I do it's good, very good. 

Spent another two hours swiping today, nothing, not one match. I know from my co living with A that it can be lovely to have someone around but then I go on these dates and it's like " I can't spend time with you". 

When you do the friendship thing how do you honestly say dating is actually better? Is it better? 

Where I sit with the matches I get, I'd rather see K once a month because I get more out of it, she knows my story, gets me and we can talk about anything. 

[basil67]

So if I have this right, K does not have the body shape you'd like, but she's so awesome you'd date her if you were able. 

Out of curiosity, would you have swiped left on her profile had she been on Tinder?   If so, this is why I keep saying to be more flexible and give people a chance.  Yes, there will be a lot of duds, and you're hardly alone there.  But you might find another K who knocks your socks off.

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

What, try to date people I am not interested in. You are right I have no intention of trying that and would never suggest anyone else so that either.

That’s not what I am saying at all.
My point was that you continue to acknowledge advice, and then continue along with your own agenda… 
My comment was in no way a response to whether you should or should not date someone you are not interested in dating. I know you have no intention of doing that. 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

So if I have this right, K does not have the body shape you'd like, but she's so awesome you'd date her if you were able. 

Exactly. @ZA Daterhad to get to know her personality before being wowed, even if that happened the first night he met her. 
 

And since he absolutely refuses to put himself in situations where he can let a personality wow him, he’s stuck relying on looks and a profile write up to be wowed. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/17/2021 at 9:54 PM, ZA Dater said:

My options, accept something lesser, accept nothing at all, do more catfishing for company, look at that so called grey area which considering the attributes I have seen hard to find, wait for the next transactional friendship, pay for dates which does not really interest me as it accomplishes nothing, read more dating blogs and try find a narrative that works, pay for intimacy which is another unappealing idea and simply just keep believing in a idea however remote the possibility is.

Or, like others have suggested, dump OLD which is by nature visual and superficial, and use other avenues to meet people. We’ve given you loads of suggestions that are feasible in CT, for people who are shy / introverted / neurodiverse, that don’t involve investing large amounts of money to “buy” someone’s attention, but you just dismiss those (or refuse to engage with them at all) and cling to OLD even though it’s clearly not working for you, and then whine about it not working for you. 
 

 

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

So if I have this right, K does not have the body shape you'd like, but she's so awesome you'd date her if you were able. 

Out of curiosity, would you have swiped left on her profile had she been on Tinder?   If so, this is why I keep saying to be more flexible and give people a chance.  Yes, there will be a lot of duds, and you're hardly alone there.  But you might find another K who knocks your socks off.

K is attractive, far more so than the matches I am getting on Tinder. I am very flexible when it comes to Tinder, swiping on body types I do not sometimes find attractive but I liked the bio or I found one of the pictures interesting so I am not totally inflexible, the problem comes that even then I get no matches so I boost my profile and the matches I get then are ALWAYS unattractive in totality.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Exactly. @ZA Daterhad to get to know her personality before being wowed, even if that happened the first night he met her. 
 

And since he absolutely refuses to put himself in situations where he can let a personality wow him, he’s stuck relying on looks and a profile write up to be wowed. 

K.

I went to a lunch and a friend of mines wife brought her co worker with her, the co worker was K. I found her attractive before I ended up spending the entire afternoon speaking to her and yes I was wowed pretty much instantly and yes I did actually take K on a date of sorts, in hindsight the wrong sort of date but nevertheless.

I have been on plenty of dates with people who I really did give the benefit of the doubt to and thinking about it, I know why I never get that, because the people I find attractive do not need to give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

[ZA Dater]

23 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Or, like others have suggested, dump OLD which is by nature visual and superficial, and use other avenues to meet people. We’ve given you loads of suggestions that are feasible in CT, for people who are shy / introverted / neurodiverse, that don’t involve investing large amounts of money to “buy” someone’s attention, but you just dismiss those (or refuse to engage with them at all) and cling to OLD even though it’s clearly not working for you, and then whine about it not working for you. 
 

 

I have looked at these many a time and I sense you know CT well so you will also know that this is clique city, it is very challenging to get into that. I know lots of people who have had good OLD experiences so its not impossible to have good experiences. 

People do not really go out to be friendly in Cape Town, around this point I suspect I will get crucified but I have met people from other parts of the SA who are far more friendly and when tourists could actually come here I had a fair number of good dates with tourists, those were probably the most "successful" dates I have had in terms of ticking the boxes.

I'll have a look at your suggestions again and see if there is anything that jumps out at me. 

 

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

K is attractive, far more so than the matches I am getting on Tinder. I am very flexible when it comes to Tinder, swiping on body types I do not sometimes find attractive but I liked the bio or I found one of the pictures interesting so I am not totally inflexible, the problem comes that even then I get no matches so I boost my profile and the matches I get then are ALWAYS unattractive in totality.

So you're not set in stone needing 'athletic' types?  This is excellent.

 

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you're not set in stone needing 'athletic' types?  This is excellent.

 

I do like tall athletic but that is not the be all and end all. Point I am making is not matter how variable I make this criteria I am still not getting attractive matches so when people tell me there is a grey area, sure there must be but I simply rarely find anyone in that grey area. 

 

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I do like tall athletic

IIRC you are 5 foot 9. which is about average, but a taller girl may be excluding you on height alone.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

…so when people tell me there is a grey area, sure there must be but I simply rarely find anyone in that grey area. 

 

Gray area means no first impression “wow”. If you’re holding out for “wow” on a first impression, then by definition you’re going to bypass the gray area - or in your case “rarely find anyone”. 

 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

IIRC you are 5 foot 9. which is about average, but a taller girl may be excluding you on height alone.

I believe he’s just over 6’. 

[elaine567]

50 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I believe he’s just over 6’. 

Where did it say that?

[Miss Spider]

On 5/3/2021 at 3:41 AM, luiscasabuena said:

The way I see things...

* When I'm using OLD, I tend to swipe right when a woman has an interesting personality even though she may not be physically attractive so, based on my experience, personality is also a factor in the dating world.

 

 

I know this was written in May and you might not even be here any more, but I thought it was worth it to say I didn’t even know men like you existed. But I’m glad you do. 

Edited July 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough