Weezy1973 Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: …I have pretty much done 75% of what I want to do with dating so the results are from my point of view much better. You’ve never had a second date. What metrics are you using to determine that your dating results are much better? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, elaine567 said: I believe the blast from the past i.e. your thread from 2015 linked to here this week should have been a wake up call for you. Except, it wasn’t a wake up call. 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I have pretty much done 75% of what I want to do with dating You say that because you have no idea what it is to cook dinner and spend the night with the person you love, to have sex, to fall asleep in their arms and wake up together, to travel together, have children, to watch your children grow as you grow old together… The truth is, you have experienced 2% of what it is to be in a romantic relationship with another person. And while there is merit to the argument that true friendships can be emotionally fulfilling, and life as a single person can be full of joy and fulfillment - your attempt to sell people on the idea that you have experienced most of what you want from dating/having a romantic relationship with a woman falls flat. Those of us who have had romantic relationships know that this is not true. The only person who believes what you are saying is perhaps - you. Edited July 22, 2021 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 14 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Because I actually want to date people I find attractive or because I simply wont subscribe to the "that will do" philosophy of dating? Why do people decide not to date, what motivates that decision? I am told continually how easy it is to date so why would someone not want to do that? People have their reasons. IMO, if a person is saying society demands it, it sounds like that person just doesn't want to be with someone. Wanting to date isn't supposed to feel like that. Like it's commanded and you just "have to." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 7 hours ago, ZA Dater said: the other flip side I have pretty much done 75% of what I want to do with dating so the results are from my point of view much better. Luckily there are things in my life I really do enjoy and put a smile on my face so the scale is mostly balanced. I live with the regrets but most of those are simply because I am never attractive enough for the people who really make me feel something. Not much I can really do about that or the fact what I have means I can never effectively compete with others. So then you're just saying what I've been saying. You've never gotten past a second date, haven't been intimate, etc. yet you say you've done 75% of what you wante4d to do with dating. So what you wanted to do was have the occasional date with no need to get close to the person or go farther. It's what I've been saying. You don't want to be WITH someone. It's so obvious. Why do you keep going round and round? The key to me really is in your attitude about how you "have to" date and "conform," etc. That is said with such distaste. Why do you keep up with the charade? It's okay not to want to be with a woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 4 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: So then you're just saying what I've been saying. You've never gotten past a second date, haven't been intimate, etc. yet you say you've done 75% of what you wante4d to do with dating. So what you wanted to do was have the occasional date with no need to get close to the person or go farther. It's what I've been saying. You don't want to be WITH someone. It's so obvious. Why do you keep going round and round? The key to me really is in your attitude about how you "have to" date and "conform," etc. That is said with such distaste. Why do you keep up with the charade? It's okay not to want to be with a woman. Yeah and l''m pretty sure he must have very low to zero libido bc a male libido will usually get him over the line just through shear lust and need under just about any circumstances eventually . But intamcy seems to be the last thing za is missing and that's ok , so what. But it means he can afford to just go round and round just like in these threads , pretty well forever really. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 1 hour ago, chillii said: Yeah and l''m pretty sure he must have very low to zero libido bc a male libido will usually get him over the line just through shear lust and need under just about any circumstances eventually . But intamcy seems to be the last thing za is missing and that's ok , so what. But it means he can afford to just go round and round just like in these threads , pretty well forever really. Trust me I have absolutely no interest in sleeping with people I do not find attractive and I have had that chance before actually. Attractive people yes but lets be frank what are my chances with those people if I cannot even get a date with them. I have to be realistic too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 10 hours ago, BaileyB said: Except, it wasn’t a wake up call. You say that because you have no idea what it is to cook dinner and spend the night with the person you love, to have sex, to fall asleep in their arms and wake up together, to travel together, have children, to watch your children grow as you grow old together… The truth is, you have experienced 2% of what it is to be in a romantic relationship with another person. And while there is merit to the argument that true friendships can be emotionally fulfilling, and life as a single person can be full of joy and fulfillment - your attempt to sell people on the idea that you have experienced most of what you want from dating/having a romantic relationship with a woman falls flat. Those of us who have had romantic relationships know that this is not true. The only person who believes what you are saying is perhaps - you. I am sure those things are fantastic, I really am and I want them as much as the next person but not if the route to them is simply going along the "that will do" approach. IF I can date the people I find attractive, the people I find interesting, the people I enjoy spending time with, the people who make me think a bit more, smile a bit more, laugh a bit more, sure thats a different matter. You simply forget I did/do want that but what is the point when every time I try and get any of that I get a kick in the face or worse yet simply end up being attractive to people I have ZERO interest in. All I really do is try find pieces of all of that, mere scraps and they are actually quite good so yes I do know how good all those things you list might be, I am acutely aware of that but I am also acutely aware of the near impossibility for me to find the complete experience. The truth if I convince myself I have done most of what I want to do waking up to that reality is just a bit easier, most days at least. I am really not trying to sell anyone on any idea I am merely saying what I do to make the reality just a bit easier. Almost everything I do is done alone all of the time so I do hold the good things close because without them I really have nothing at all. To go one step further I have even broken this down further to want versus need. I want a relationship with someone I really like but do I need one, well based on my ability to actually get to that point, probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 6 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: So then you're just saying what I've been saying. You've never gotten past a second date, haven't been intimate, etc. yet you say you've done 75% of what you wante4d to do with dating. So what you wanted to do was have the occasional date with no need to get close to the person or go farther. It's what I've been saying. You don't want to be WITH someone. It's so obvious. Why do you keep going round and round? The key to me really is in your attitude about how you "have to" date and "conform," etc. That is said with such distaste. Why do you keep up with the charade? It's okay not to want to be with a woman. Again I need to spin myself a good story here because it just makes spending every moment alone a bit easier. What has been good has been really good, sure like everything it was never ever going to work because well I am bottom of the pile in desirability, I used to feel bad about that, now I just accept it. I have frankly given up trying to convince people to find me attractive, its pretty pointless. I am who I am , if they do not like that person so be it. I wanted more than scraps of attention and nice time spent with people, unfortunately I cant dictate what I want, perhaps I simply get what I deserve? In short I wanted a lot more out of dating than I have managed to accomplish and I think I had a lot of positive attributes which people may actually like but what I have learnt from all of you who have taken time to advise is that what I see as positive actually has little to no value and makes little to no difference to how people perceive me and oddly this has provided some degree of comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
bene Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 Look up “just-world fallacy”. You keep arguing that why should you do this if they don’t do that etc. The truth is, nobody needs to do anything and there is no calculation where strangers owe you exactly the amount of effort you are making. People just are the way they are. They are just going on with their lives and it’s not always mathematically logical why people find each other. The woman you meet tomorrow doesn’t have a spreadsheet that you already made effort yesterday with another woman and now it’s her turn. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 So I’ve been thinking. Maybe you do you do need need to just give up. I think giving up on dating would probably be the best thing for you. Because I noticed when people care a lot about dating, at least as much as you seem to, with long thread after thread, they typically aren’t as successful at it. They don’t have their priorities straight. That’s a large reason why people who complain a lot about dating fail. They don’t have enough drive or direction elsewhere, so they often come off undesirable. The people you’re interested in will be able to smell the desperation on you. A person with a focus outside of dating is much much more attractive. That’s why are you here guys often say that when they stop caring about women that’s when the women come? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 23, 2021 Author Share Posted July 23, 2021 35 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: So I’ve been thinking. Maybe you do you do need need to just give up. I think giving up on dating would probably be the best thing for you. Because I noticed when people care a lot about dating, at least as much as you seem to, with long thread after thread, they typically aren’t as successful at it. They don’t have their priorities straight. That’s a large reason why people who complain a lot about dating fail. They don’t have enough drive or direction elsewhere, so they often come off undesirable. The people you’re interested in will be able to smell the desperation on you. A person with a focus outside of dating is much much more attractive. That’s why are you here guys often say that when they stop caring about women that’s when the women come? Quite a good suggestion, I do not let dating define my life but there are an increasing number of times I would like some of what Bailey had described. For the most part I live a pretty invisible life which heavily revolves around work and work feeds into hobbies and vice versa and its all really in the same circle, some would say transaction circle. My problem I suspect is what I want is pretty specific and that creates it own set of issues. Mostly I am just irritated with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Alfano Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 On 7/22/2021 at 9:59 AM, ZA Dater said: Well it would seem MILLIONS of people find it easy to find a match, I am not being sarcastic but simply pointing out the obvious. Maybe I am just too particular for my own good or I look for things which are maybe not important to many. I still consider myself to be lucky in my dating search. You've got nothing to sell that anyone wants or you're unable to sell what you do have that someone might want You're inflexible and unwilling or unable to change and and adapt and learn from past mistakes. You're likely to continue to repeat the same mistakes and experience the same failures for the rest of your natural life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 8 hours ago, chillii said: a male libido will usually get him over the line just through sheer lust and need under just about any circumstances eventually I agree, the need, whether it be for sex or affection or validation or ego boost or companionship... (or all of the above)... propels so many on, to try and meet, date and sleep with members of the opposite sex. Even the shy, awkward, and unsociable will become more outgoing, they will frequent parties, gigs, events... they will try OLD, join matchmaking services...in fact they will try anything that may increase their chances of meeting another. Their needs spur them on, they want to experience as much life and passion as they can before they get old and tired and start overthinking and get boring.... At only 37 ZA Dater is rigid and set in his ways, he is going to regret big time all these "wasted" years... once he wakes up... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: My problem I suspect is what I want is pretty specific and that creates it own set of issues. You have literally no experience to inform your wants. 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Mostly I am just irritated with myself. But not irritated enough to change anything. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 23, 2021 Share Posted July 23, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, ZA Dater said: My problem I suspect is what I want is pretty specific and that creates it own set of issues. Do you think? We have been long telling you that your “wants” are pretty specific - shall we say, unrealistic - and you have long argued that you were not being unreasonable. You just didn’t want a woman who was overweight, who couldn’t contribute to a conversation, and who wasn’t a single mother with an ex-husband circling… That’s not terribly “specific.” But again, here you are agreeing with us that what you are really looking for is something very specific. You talk in circles ZA Dater, you contradict yourself. It’s one of the reasons these threads go on and on… Edited July 23, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 7:41 AM, bene said: ...The woman you meet tomorrow doesn’t have a spreadsheet that you already made effort yesterday with another woman and now it’s her turn. Well they do exist, but when you meet them run, Forest, run! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 5:50 PM, elaine567 said: I agree, the need, whether it be for sex or affection or validation or ego boost or companionship... (or all of the above)... propels so many on, to try and meet, date and sleep with members of the opposite sex. Even the shy, awkward, and unsociable will become more outgoing, they will frequent parties, gigs, events... they will try OLD, join matchmaking services...in fact they will try anything that may increase their chances of meeting another. Their needs spur them on, they want to experience as much life and passion as they can before they get old and tired and start overthinking and get boring.... At only 37 ZA Dater is rigid and set in his ways, he is going to regret big time all these "wasted" years... once he wakes up... I guess it largely depends who you can attract and how much "that will do" or how much alcohol is involved and in what state ones judgement is. I have done the bar and OLD thing, the former has no interest for me, the latter is pretty useless. Oddly I do not regret much, I only regret what I cannot get. Virtually everyone I know has had a relationship with someone that really liked and love spending time with. Me, I have chased what I want and 17 odd years later am no closer to getting it, just a fact I suppose. If I was able to fish in the pond where the fish interest me then it would be another matter but sleeping with someone I find unattractive has no particular allure for me at all. I'd simply rather just wait till I can find someone who is attractive. Was sitting yesterday with a friend and his friend, neither of these people struggle getting dates, one had three different dates, three days running. There are people out there with lots of choice and importantly choices that they actually LIKE. All three of us had been on/are on dating apps and my results were by far the worst which is no real surprise. You make an interesting point brain versus heart, I always think with the former and VERY rarely with the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 11:05 PM, BaileyB said: Do you think? We have been long telling you that your “wants” are pretty specific - shall we say, unrealistic - and you have long argued that you were not being unreasonable. You just didn’t want a woman who was overweight, who couldn’t contribute to a conversation, and who wasn’t a single mother with an ex-husband circling… That’s not terribly “specific.” But again, here you are agreeing with us that what you are really looking for is something very specific. You talk in circles ZA Dater, you contradict yourself. It’s one of the reasons these threads go on and on… I do not think the BASIC want of someone being attractive to me is unreasonable, really I do not. I am specific in the things I absolutely do not want but those are not set in stone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted July 25, 2021 Author Share Posted July 25, 2021 On 7/23/2021 at 6:35 PM, Weezy1973 said: You have literally no experience to inform your wants. But not irritated enough to change anything. Overweight: Do not want Poor Manners: Do not want Poorly spoken: Do no want Apathetic: Do not want Incompatible: Do not want. Easily intimidated: Do not want I think I have been around long enough to discern what I do not want. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 29 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Overweight: Do not want Poor Manners: Do not want Poorly spoken: Do no want Apathetic: Do not want Incompatible: Do not want. Easily intimidated: Do not want I think I have been around long enough to discern what I do not want. That’s a fine list, but it’s not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2021 Share Posted July 25, 2021 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Easily intimidated: Do not want By what exactly? You? 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 26, 2021 Share Posted July 26, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: By what exactly? You? Generally when he says this he means by high net worth clients from work. Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted July 26, 2021 Share Posted July 26, 2021 Man, this imaginary woman is going to have to carry a heavy weight on her shoulders 🤣 She exists only in fairy tales and Lifetime Christmas movies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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