Catfish

[ZA Dater]

38 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

They probably are, unless they also have few or no options, and in that case they may give an unpopular guy a chance.
People size up each other pretty fast, given a crowd they can easily pick out the stars, plenty options, the no hopers, no options, and in the middle, the average.
Based on looks, charisma, entertainment value, class, education, wealth etc...

Most quickly learn where they stand in that pecking order and set their sights accordingly.
They get fed up of being rejected continuously if they set their sights too high, and so become realistic in their goals or give up altogether, OR they decide to keep on bashing their head up against a brick wall, anyway...
ZA's rigidity, his stubbornness, his pertinacity, his refusal to accept reality,  his refusal to "change", puts him into the latter "head bashing" category,,,

This is not totally wrong. Just it would seem I am not allowed to size people up apparently . 

My question to you is very simple. You tell me how someone who lowers their sights would ever be happy with that? 

[basil67]

As a woman who's only ever used dating as a stepping stone to seeing if it can develop into a relationship, I would not call being tricked into dating a cad as a 'success'.   Why do you see tricking a women into dating as a 'success'?

And further, why do you associate with such men?

11 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My approach has always been, find someone I find attractive, get to know them, get comfortable around them and see from there. Logically there is nothing exciting about that approach, really there is not, in a world full of instant gratification that approach offers very little gratification at all, being bluntly honest here. 

There is an absolute bucket load of instant gratification in getting to know a person and getting comfortable if both parties also know how to flirt and have fun.   I'm talking fireworks!  Granted, we found lost furry schnapps glasses under the sofa six months later, but the combination of being interested and flirting is a winner.  An excellent, roll in the hay and still together 30 years later winner.

Regarding the 'happy go lucky player', the attraction is that he's lighthearted rather than earnest.   

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The reality is where I sit there are MUCH more ladies who actually want that player guy than those who are interested in me. I have been saying this all along, it does not seem to matter what one brings to the table, its automatically worthless because it seems to me the player lifestyle is just more exciting. Yes, some of them have three week or 3 month relationships but from the outset they are not interested in anything long term.

Why are you interested in women who want to be used and dropped?

[basil67]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

This is not totally wrong. Just it would seem I am not allowed to size people up apparently . 

My question to you is very simple. You tell me how someone who lowers their sights would ever be happy with that? 

I'm going to jump in here:  When one is open to all possibilities - as opposed to shooting for the moon - they don't have to lower their sights because they are open to potential from many quarters

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My approach has always been, find someone I find attractive, get to know them, get comfortable around them and see from there. Logically there is nothing exciting about that approach, really there is not, in a world full of instant gratification that approach offers very little gratification at all, being bluntly honest here. 

Is that not the approach these guys take too, only with a bit more excitement, fun, pizzazz and sexiness thrown in?
SOME women will fall for players and get hurt, SOME women will take what a player has to offer and enjoy the fling...
SOME women may break his heart...
There is no black and white.
"Women" want this, "women" don't want that,,,  is nonsense, it is about time you realised that.
The women who would be wowed by your approach are not the women who frequent the easy come, easy go, player world.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The reality is where I sit there are MUCH more ladies who actually want that player guy than those who are interested in me. 

BUT as you have said these guys are fit, good looking, charming, fun and sociable, so "desirable".
Why wouldn't a woman want a guy like that?
If you were also fit, good looking, charming, fun and sociable and women chose the player guy instead, then the comparison could be made but by your own account you do not possess these attractive qualities... so it is apples and oranges...

[elaine567]

33 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Just it would seem I am not allowed to size people up apparently . 

You can do as you please, but with choices come consequences and if your preferred choice of a partner excludes ~99% of the female population and the other 1% are not interested in you, then it is not going to lead to happy days, is it?

[Prudence V]

On 7/21/2021 at 1:08 PM, jspice said:

You shouldn’t. You’re absolutely right. Don’t. 
Don’t give anyone a chance who requires anything of you. Hold out for the

tall

thin

worldly

White

model,

who can have her pick of men but will choose you. Don’t come back here till you find her. 

How did I miss this post?!? And suddenly it all makes sense…

On 7/21/2021 at 1:44 PM, ZA Dater said:

By the way the first 4 above would be sufficient, thanks for asking!

OP wants a woman who is:

Quote

tall

thin

worldly

White

in a country where white people less than 9% of the population, where average height for a woman is 159cm (5’ 2.5”) and average BMI is 27.1 (above 25 is considered overweight; above 30 is considered obese). He wants someone “worldly”, which I’m reading as code for wealthy, ie grew up with enough resources to amass significant cultural (and likely other forms of) capital. So we’re talking a really, really small pond here - more of a puddle, really. I’m guessing he also has age limits, narrowing it still further. This puddle is looking more like a splash. 
 

But here’s the thing. South Africa has had a long and traumatic past infused with crude racism. And here is a guy expressing interest only in white women. Perhaps this is something people from elsewhere wouldn’t pick up, but “white people who only want to associate with white people” in a SA context signals “maybe just a little bit racist”…. Which is no doubt very attractive to other people who are themselves “maybe just a little bit racist”, of which there are plenty in CT, but ZAD is wanting someone “worldly”. I’m guessing “worldly” includes “sophisticated”. Sophisticated people aren’t usually attracted to “maybe just a little bit racist”, as they see that as crude and unsophisticated - certainly not “worldly” - so that’s likely excluding even more of the splash. ZAD is going to be fishing in a droplet, it seems…

[5x5]

On 7/21/2021 at 10:08 PM, jspice said:

Hold out for the

tall

thin

worldly

White

model,

who can have her pick of men but will choose you.

Fortunately for me I don't share ZA's restrictive criteria.

Otherwise I wouldn't have been with my ex wife. Who was taller than I, thin, more worldly than I, and is a also a black woman from an island off Africa who is the daughter of a former model. Now in the long run it didn't work out with my ex-wife, yet I don't regret being with her for what we shared when things were great.

[jspice]

57 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

How did I miss this post?!? And suddenly it all makes sense…

OP wants a woman who is:

in a country where white people less than 9% of the population, where average height for a woman is 159cm (5’ 2.5”) and average BMI is 27.1 (above 25 is considered overweight; above 30 is considered obese). He wants someone “worldly”, which I’m reading as code for wealthy, ie grew up with enough resources to amass significant cultural (and likely other forms of) capital. So we’re talking a really, really small pond here - more of a puddle, really. I’m guessing he also has age limits, narrowing it still further. This puddle is looking more like a splash. 
 

But here’s the thing. South Africa has had a long and traumatic past infused with crude racism. And here is a guy expressing interest only in white women. Perhaps this is something people from elsewhere wouldn’t pick up, but “white people who only want to associate with white people” in a SA context signals “maybe just a little bit racist”…. Which is no doubt very attractive to other people who are themselves “maybe just a little bit racist”, of which there are plenty in CT, but ZAD is wanting someone “worldly”. I’m guessing “worldly” includes “sophisticated”. Sophisticated people aren’t usually attracted to “maybe just a little bit racist”, as they see that as crude and unsophisticated - certainly not “worldly” - so that’s likely excluding even more of the splash. ZAD is going to be fishing in a droplet, it seems…

EXACTLY!!!

This is why I keep posting in his threads. He paints a very inaccurate picture of life in SA and non-South Africans don’t realise what his euphemisms mean. 
He always talks about

“same culture and background”

his dates’ accents and how they speak  

he ONLY hangs out in Camps Bay and surrounding. 

So much more,  his posts are littered with these bread crumbs that have told me EXACTLY who he is but when I say anything I get “reprimanded “ 🤣

 

 

 

[bene]

14 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The dates I want is someone I can share life with, take an interest in their life, be there for, listen to them after a bad day, hug them to make them feel better, do things with and laugh and smile with.

But these player types don’t have that (even if by choice) so why use them as some kind of proof how life works? Their ability to attract one night stands doesn’t say anything about their ability to build a real relationship.

Honestly, if you ever meet this kind of woman like you imagine in the quote above she will run to the hills if you bring her to the company of players who brag about getting laid and moving on. It would be understandable in 20-year olds but I assume your friends are around your age where people usually have developed more substance. 

I have asked this before, but do you know any people in real relationships like the other one you desire? What do they have to say?

 

[ZA Dater]

45 minutes ago, bene said:

I have asked this before, but do you know any people in real relationships like the other one you desire? What do they have to say?

 

Not one.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

How did I miss this post?!? And suddenly it all makes sense…

OP wants a woman who is:

in a country where white people less than 9% of the population, where average height for a woman is 159cm (5’ 2.5”) and average BMI is 27.1 (above 25 is considered overweight; above 30 is considered obese). He wants someone “worldly”, which I’m reading as code for wealthy, ie grew up with enough resources to amass significant cultural (and likely other forms of) capital. So we’re talking a really, really small pond here - more of a puddle, really. I’m guessing he also has age limits, narrowing it still further. This puddle is looking more like a splash. 
 

But here’s the thing. South Africa has had a long and traumatic past infused with crude racism. And here is a guy expressing interest only in white women. Perhaps this is something people from elsewhere wouldn’t pick up, but “white people who only want to associate with white people” in a SA context signals “maybe just a little bit racist”…. Which is no doubt very attractive to other people who are themselves “maybe just a little bit racist”, of which there are plenty in CT, but ZAD is wanting someone “worldly”. I’m guessing “worldly” includes “sophisticated”. Sophisticated people aren’t usually attracted to “maybe just a little bit racist”, as they see that as crude and unsophisticated - certainly not “worldly” - so that’s likely excluding even more of the splash. ZAD is going to be fishing in a droplet, it seems…

No posts on this forum make me angry but this one certainly has.

I suspect this is walking a rather dangerous and high assumptive line. In fact the entire post is one huge assumption and actually have a pretty big issue with what you are implying especially considering you know actually nothing about me. "Worldly" actually means not wealthy but someone who is not apathetic, has nothing to do with wealth or race. 

You jump to the massive assumption I have only had dates with "white" ladies, again this is untrue but you jumped to that assumption immediately for reasons not in evidence. 

What you imply is dismissed out of hand and my high opinion of you has dropped significantly.

[ZA Dater]

53 minutes ago, jspice said:

EXACTLY!!!

This is why I keep posting in his threads. He paints a very inaccurate picture of life in SA and non-South Africans don’t realise what his euphemisms mean. 
He always talks about

“same culture and background”

his dates’ accents and how they speak  

he ONLY hangs out in Camps Bay and surrounding. 

So much more,  his posts are littered with these bread crumbs that have told me EXACTLY who he is but when I say anything I get “reprimanded “ 🤣

 

 

 

Frankly this is all total nonsense, I don't like an Afrikaans accent, is there an issue with that? Ah there goes your theory right out the window. I do not like extremely conservative religious people, again there goes your theory. In fact I have not set foot in Camps Bay in 5 years but as you were.

Its amazing what you read and choose to interpret in a particular way.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Why are you interested in women who want to be used and dropped?

Why not? I am told I need to broaden my criteria so why not be open to these people, the fact everyone wants them must mean they must be desirable, surely I mean guys like me nobody wants so as people have pointed out I wont be desirable because of that.

Added to this there seems to be plenty of women want to be used and dropped, far more in fact that those who would want to get to know me.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is that not the approach these guys take too, only with a bit more excitement, fun, pizzazz and sexiness thrown in?
SOME women will fall for players and get hurt, SOME women will take what a player has to offer and enjoy the fling...
SOME women may break his heart...
There is no black and white.
"Women" want this, "women" don't want that,,,  is nonsense, it is about time you realised that.
The women who would be wowed by your approach are not the women who frequent the easy come, easy go, player world.

Sure, I agree just from where I am sitting it would seem many are quite happy with short term gratification over getting to know someone long term. I reckon the ones who might be wowed by my approach will be the ones will will not wow me.....

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

BUT as you have said these guys are fit, good looking, charming, fun and sociable, so "desirable".
Why wouldn't a woman want a guy like that?
If you were also fit, good looking, charming, fun and sociable and women chose the player guy instead, then the comparison could be made but by your own account you do not possess these attractive qualities... so it is apples and oranges...

Yes and the fact they are short term players apparently does nothing to dull that shine they have to a great many people, this is telling.

It clearly works for them and gets them exactly what they want which again is the opposite of my method which gets me nothing I actually want seemingly ever. The qualities I have that they do not are proven to be mostly irrelevant. Perhaps the problem for me is I am around people who can seemingly date whoever they like which is not really representative of most people so the entire viewpoint is skewed.

I have always gone with the view of it being an equal playing field which is perhaps wrong on many levels. 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

They probably are, unless they also have few or no options, and in that case they may give an unpopular guy a chance.

I guess we just picture @ZA Dater differently. While most people can pick out the most attractive and least attractive in a room, the vast majority of people are average and I think @ZA Dater is in the average group. You seem to think he’s in the least attractive group. Neither of us really knows though.

[jspice]

57 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Frankly this is all total nonsense, I don't like an Afrikaans accent, is there an issue with that? Ah there goes your theory right out the window. I do not like extremely conservative religious people, again there goes your theory. In fact I have not set foot in Camps Bay in 5 years but as you were.

Its amazing what you read and choose to interpret in a particular way.

I merely use your own words. Your problem is you say so much to argue with people that you forget what you said and when 🤣🤣🤣

 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

the one does try look for meaningful relationships but finds far greater success looking for flings,

 

This likely because the women that are relationship oriented aren’t interested. As you say, it takes two to tango. Casual with casual. 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This likely because the women that are relationship oriented aren’t interested. As you say, it takes two to tango. Casual with casual. 

Well looking at it from the other side of the coin, why be relationship orientated and have to jump through hoop after hoop if you can get most of what you want with a player who is going to lavish you wish attention versus having to bother to get to know someone. 

My view on this has changed to be fair, I still do not like the game but I cannot dispute that it does seem to work very well....for some.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

This likely because the women that are relationship oriented aren’t interested. As you say, it takes two to tango. Casual with casual. 

 I am starting to question if I have ever met one these women....

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, elaine567 said:

With very  limited options, you are only really desirable to others in the same boat...

The trick many try to employ is to find "damaged goods" in the hope of repairing them... She is so damn hot but she is "crazy", he is very good looking but he is a violent thug when drunk... Their flaws limit their options, so they become available to "lesser" beings...
That was essentially what you tried to do with A, the tragic widow with a fatherless infant, but she wasn't damaged or desperate enough to discount the huge disparity in leagues...

I do not have an issue with this if I saw potential. The irony is I am effectively the damaged good! I still do not see people as being lesser or greater just attractive and less attractive.

[Weezy1973]

34 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

! I still do not see people as being lesser or greater just attractive and less attractive.

Exactly!! Yay a breakthrough! That’s the crux of leagues. Not better and worse human beings. Just different levels of attractiveness.

 

And you’re shooting out of your league.

[Weezy1973]

49 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 I am starting to question if I have ever met one these women....

Most women are relationship oriented. I’m beginning to question whether you have an accurate grasp of reality. Most adults are either in a relationship or married. You can actually find these stats pretty easily. 
 

But if the women you’re seeing are limited to Tinder and ones frequenting bars and clubs, then perhaps that explains your distorted reality.

Edited July 27, 2021 by Weezy1973