Catfish

[bene]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Another guy I know had two different dates on the same day and these people are actually going on dates with people they find attractive, they are not having to "well ok lets go and see".

You might be surprised.

I suspect that people with many dates do exactly that - go and see.

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, bene said:

You might be surprised.

I suspect that people with many dates do exactly that - go and see.

Yeah I am sure they do but at least they find the person physically attractive.

[Love Yourself First]

I would say probably 8/10 of women I meet from online look nothing like their photos, just gratifying angles, make up, filters, flattering clothing... A video goes a looooooooooooong way these days.

Maybe this goes for guys as well, I don't know, but I basically don't meet anyone without a face time first.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

.

I wish the system was more as you describe.

The system is exactly as she described. Immediate attraction can fade. Initial “meh” can turn into attraction. You likely have been given a chance - perhaps even by “A” and “K”, but you went into the “no” pile after they got to know you. Such is life. Doesn’t mean you’re repulsive, just not what they’re looking for.

 

And when I say seeing the same people over and over again, I don’t mean going on dates with people you’re not attracted to over and over again to see if your attraction grows. I mean, for example, joining something like a cycling club, where you get to know people with a similar interest, and you’ll naturally bond with some people more than others, and as everybody starts revealing more about themselves over time, you can connect with them. And maybe even experience mutual attraction. 

Edited July 30, 2021 by Weezy1973

[ZA Dater]

10 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The system is exactly as she described. Immediate attraction can fade. Initial “meh” can turn into attraction. You likely have been given a chance - perhaps even by “A” and “K”, but you went into the “no” pile after they got to know you. Such is life. Doesn’t mean you’re repulsive, just not what they’re looking for.

 

And when I say seeing the same people over and over again, I don’t mean going on dates with people you’re not attracted to over and over again to see if your attraction grows. I mean, for example, joining something like a cycling club, where you get to know people with a similar interest, and you’ll naturally bond with some people more than others, and as everybody starts revealing more about themselves over time, you can connect with them. And maybe even experience mutual attraction. 

Sure but I am hardly what anyone I find attractive is looking for lol .

I think to climb the scale of attraction one does need some sort of physical attraction to begin with but you will probably disagree with me. My problem is a fundamental lack of attraction and a very high bar in terms of what I find attractive. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

I think to climb the scale of attraction one does need some sort of physical attraction to begin with but you will probably disagree with me.

 

I don’t disagree with you. It just doesn’t have to be a “wow”. Think of food. While some dishes you might love, and some foods you might hate, a lot of foods are still really good. Steak dinner might be a 10. Pizza is a 9. Roasted chicken an 8. Braised lamb shank a 7. Etc. You think a braised lamb shank tastes good while a steak is amazing. But if you can’t afford the steak, you’ll still be perfectly happy with the lamb because it still tastes good. And it’s in your budget.

 

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My problem is a fundamental lack of attraction and a very high bar in terms of what I find attractive. 

Yup. Although I’d say you likely have an average level of attractiveness, but if you can’t have the steak dinner, you’re choosing to starve.

[Alfano]

On 7/28/2021 at 4:54 PM, ZA Dater said:

All I can do each day is be the best person I can be, judge myself by that standard and improve the things I can.

 

That is not all you can do, but it's all YOU can do.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I don’t disagree with you. It just doesn’t have to be a “wow”. Think of food. While some dishes you might love, and some foods you might hate, a lot of foods are still really good. Steak dinner might be a 10. Pizza is a 9. Roasted chicken an 8. Braised lamb shank a 7. Etc. You think a braised lamb shank tastes good while a steak is amazing. But if you can’t afford the steak, you’ll still be perfectly happy with the lamb because it still tastes good. And it’s in your budget.

 

Yup. Although I’d say you likely have an average level of attractiveness, but if you can’t have the steak dinner, you’re choosing to starve.

Which is exactly why its quite nice to sometimes get quite close to actually having that steak dinner because once you have had the steak things which seemed so good before are not quite as good as they used to be. 

I made the decision to starve years ago because I have a very good idea what I really liked, never really expecting to ever find a scenario where I would get some of it but for whatever reason I did and  lot of puzzle pieces clicked together. It was a mere fleeting glimpse but that was enough to confirm I was not wrong to starve. Will I ever see it again, who knows but the odds do not favor me at all.

Can I live with that, sort of.

[Alfano]

From Wikipedia

An incel (/ˈɪnsɛl/ IN-sel), a portmanteau of "involuntary celibate", is a member of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to find a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. Discussions in incel forums are often characterized by resentment and hatred, misogyny, misanthropy, self-pity and self-loathing, racism, a sense of entitlement to sex, and the endorsement of violence against women and sexually active people. At least seven mass murders, resulting in a total of 46 deaths, have been committed since 2014 by men who have either self-identified as incels. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

, never really expecting to ever find a scenario where I would get some of it but for whatever reason I did and  lot of puzzle pieces clicked together.

You didn’t get any of it. You spent time with a woman who had no interest in you and you fantasized about what it would be like to be with her as a couple. But at no point was that a thing. 
 

But you’ve made it clear, that you’d prefer the fantasy of the thing you’ll never have, than actually experience any kind of connection in the real world.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you’ve made it clear, that you’d prefer the fantasy of the thing you’ll never have, than actually experience any kind of connection in the real world.

You are right I do because what is available to me I have zero interest in. It would be a vastly different matter if I actually had some degree of choice. I keep certain apps until the subscription expires and I am completely underwhelmed by the "choice" available to me on these apps which I reckon would probably mirror my choice in person so yes a fantasy is FAR preferable to that. Not sure what is so wrong with that.

The point is if I wanted "any kind" of connection I would find "any kind" of connection appealing which I simply do not, there have been perhaps a handful of people over the years who seemed to find me attractive but NOT one of them I found attractive at all. 

Cannot understand what the issue is with this, I get it you all experienced connections in different ways with different people and I am glad you did. Like I am glad those I really liked found people who seemingly make them very happy. I have gone out and tried, over and over again, I like what I like and nothing else will suffice which is an inherent problem but is it really when other people seem perfectly able to date people they really like, why should I not do the same?

I make excuses for the fact I like physically attractive people, I like people who make me feel something, I like people who in some way challenge my beliefs, people who make me want to be the best I can and I like people who I can see some sort of long term future with. When ALL of these combine for me its exactly what I want and the near constant void I have disappears and I can be the best version of myself, we were not built to do life alone and undoubtedly for me having some of that re enforced that fact.

All of you who crow on about leagues have hardened my resolve to not settle for anything less than what I want, other people don't so why should I.

 

[GorillaTheater]

It's reassuring that even after having been gone for a while due to general life craziness, there are still some constants in the universe.

[jspice]

So WHAT do you want from people here??

We don’t know how you’re going to get a tall, thin woman who is extroverted but will want you and will be happy that you have no dating or romantic ability. 
We don’t have someone in our back pockets, who will be the envy of all your friends and will make them accept you as one of them. 
 

She’s not on Tinder and we don’t know how to make those tens on Tinder swipe right on you. 
We can’t improve your looks or your personality which you think are fine, but they’re not getting you dates that you find desirable. 
You did not have any dating experience with A. She was nice to you because she needed you. She also felt pity for you because you’re inept at romance. 
K did not date you. She uses you to listen to her boyfriend drama and whatever else you help her with at work. 
 

You don’t know what a real relationship is and what a date is because you haven’t been on a real one. And nobody here can help you with that. 
 

If one of us decided to make a “ZADater2” account, we could perfectly pretend to be you because we know everything you think about dating and how it works and how you think it should work. Any one of us can post here as you because you repeat the same erroneous conclusions post after post. 

last year I applied to three universities in the US to do a Ph. D. They were my top three schools. I wanted them with everything I had. But they’re  competitive and sought after and due to covid had even less spots and funding. They were also all in the same state. 
 

One offered me a course I don’t want to do. The other two rejected me. 
If I apply your logic, I’m going to apply to those same three schools this year with the exact same application and only change the dates on the forms. I’m not going to expand my search to other states or maybe even look in Canada. Oh no. I would believe that School  was CRAZY for rejecting me! Did they NOT see my recommendation letters? Did they NOT look at my brilliant thesis? 
 

Turns out the professors interests didn’t really match mine right now. There were also others who had more experience with the US academic system than I did. They had more research experience. They got the  2 available spots. 
 

I’m damn sure going to apply again and get help from someone who knows the system. Getting into my Masters programme was a less demanding feat but now I need to level up in whatever way those schools need. 
And oh! I’m going to apply to every university that offers my programme. In the Us. In Canada. Maybe in Europe. I have my requirements like they have theirs  

 

I’m not going to sit in the corner and cry because A, B and C didn’t want my application package. I’m not going to submit that same package to A, B and C and then shout out into the world how unfair they are. Can’t they see what I have?? That’s life  

We don’t know how to help. Despite your daily insults to and about people who are represented on this board and in your threads, there are still some kind souls who look past that and try with you. I’m not that kind anymore. 
 

We cannot keep doing this same thing day after day. 
You’re entitled and whiny and sarcastic and if you don’t fix that, no woman is going to date you. Not the fat ones, the loser singles with kids, the non-white ones, and definitely not the models you want. 
 

You’re submitting the same application package and waiting for your choice to accept you, but you are not a viable candidate. 
You’re still going to be here when you’re 40 moaning about how unfair the world is. 
 

Go and travel. Make yourself interesting. You want women who travel, but do you ever go anywhere? You never talk about where it is YOU’VE  been. You don’t need a partner to travel with. As a woman I’ve been to several countries and a few continents by myself. I sat in a Parisian park enjoying the sun and watching the world go by. I met men who stopped me in the street to invite me to lunch. I took a cooking class in Malaysia and met wonderful people. You can do that too but all you’ll be doing is watching all the couples go by and lament that you’re single instead of enjoying the city. 
 

You don’t even possess the qualities that you want women to have so you can’t attract them.  🤯🤯

We. Don’t. Know. Anymore.

What more is there to say???
 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

[I've dated] More than a handful [of single mothers}

how many?   If you're talking about a group of say 10, that's hardly enough to draw a statistically significant conclusion.

Edited July 31, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Once again within spending 10 minutes with her I knew I liked her and we got along well enough to talk for hours and every time I see her that feeling is the same, this is someone I really enjoy spending time with. I really do not see that as being unrealistic, I have become pretty irritated going out with people and sitting there for an hour two and there is just a feeling of complete nothingness.

Yet, when we posters have this experience, you accuse us of settling, or having no options, or being happy with someone we aren't attracted to.   Why do you dismiss us when we are describing the same kind of connection you experienced? 

 

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You only need to date one single mother and you'll learn everything you need to...

Do you understand the idea of sample size? Or anecdotal evidence? Thinking you’re learning anything with a sample of one is foolhardy…

 

4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I don't blame @ZA Dater for not wanting to date single moms. 

Case in point. @ZA Dater would happily have dated “A”, a single mom…

[Happy Lemming]

39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Case in point. @ZA Dater would happily have dated “A”, a single mom…

Until he got to know her and actually dated her, he would have no idea what he was in for...  He didn't... so he doesn't know what he was in for.

39 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you understand the idea of sample size? Or anecdotal evidence? Thinking you’re learning anything with a sample of one is foolhardy…

I know if I bite into a lemon... all lemons are pretty much going to be exactly the same.

Edited July 31, 2021 by Happy Lemming

[Miss Spider]

Don’t have to if you don’t want to.  ZA wants his idealistic checklist to be crossed off, otherwise he’’d rather die a kissless virgin , that’s what he’s been trying to say 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Don’t have to if you don’t want to.  ZA wants his idealistic checklist to be crossed off, otherwise he’’d rather die a kissless virgin , that’s what he’s been trying to say 

And if he was happy with that choice, none of these endless threads would exist. He’s not remotely happy with that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Which is exactly why its quite nice to sometimes get quite close to actually having that steak dinner because once you have had the steak things which seemed so good before are not quite as good as they used to be. 

I made the decision to starve years ago because I have a very good idea what I really liked, never really expecting to ever find a scenario where I would get some of it but for whatever reason I did and  lot of puzzle pieces clicked together. It was a mere fleeting glimpse but that was enough to confirm I was not wrong to starve. Will I ever see it again, who knows but the odds do not favor me at all.

Can I live with that, sort of.

Then what is the question here? You've made up your mind. And that's that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

3 hours ago, jspice said:

So WHAT do you want from people here??

We don’t know how you’re going to get a tall, thin woman who is extroverted but will want you and will be happy that you have no dating or romantic ability. 
We don’t have someone in our back pockets, who will be the envy of all your friends and will make them accept you as one of them. 
 

She’s not on Tinder and we don’t know how to make those tens on Tinder swipe right on you. 
We can’t improve your looks or your personality which you think are fine, but they’re not getting you dates that you find desirable. 
You did not have any dating experience with A. She was nice to you because she needed you. She also felt pity for you because you’re inept at romance. 
K did not date you. She uses you to listen to her boyfriend drama and whatever else you help her with at work. 
 

You don’t know what a real relationship is and what a date is because you haven’t been on a real one. And nobody here can help you with that. 
 

If one of us decided to make a “ZADater2” account, we could perfectly pretend to be you because we know everything you think about dating and how it works and how you think it should work. Any one of us can post here as you because you repeat the same erroneous conclusions post after post. 

last year I applied to three universities in the US to do a Ph. D. They were my top three schools. I wanted them with everything I had. But they’re  competitive and sought after and due to covid had even less spots and funding. They were also all in the same state. 
 

One offered me a course I don’t want to do. The other two rejected me. 
If I apply your logic, I’m going to apply to those same three schools this year with the exact same application and only change the dates on the forms. I’m not going to expand my search to other states or maybe even look in Canada. Oh no. I would believe that School  was CRAZY for rejecting me! Did they NOT see my recommendation letters? Did they NOT look at my brilliant thesis? 
 

Turns out the professors interests didn’t really match mine right now. There were also others who had more experience with the US academic system than I did. They had more research experience. They got the  2 available spots. 
 

I’m damn sure going to apply again and get help from someone who knows the system. Getting into my Masters programme was a less demanding feat but now I need to level up in whatever way those schools need. 
And oh! I’m going to apply to every university that offers my programme. In the Us. In Canada. Maybe in Europe. I have my requirements like they have theirs  

 

I’m not going to sit in the corner and cry because A, B and C didn’t want my application package. I’m not going to submit that same package to A, B and C and then shout out into the world how unfair they are. Can’t they see what I have?? That’s life  

We don’t know how to help. Despite your daily insults to and about people who are represented on this board and in your threads, there are still some kind souls who look past that and try with you. I’m not that kind anymore. 
 

We cannot keep doing this same thing day after day. 
You’re entitled and whiny and sarcastic and if you don’t fix that, no woman is going to date you. Not the fat ones, the loser singles with kids, the non-white ones, and definitely not the models you want. 
 

You’re submitting the same application package and waiting for your choice to accept you, but you are not a viable candidate. 
You’re still going to be here when you’re 40 moaning about how unfair the world is. 
 

Go and travel. Make yourself interesting. You want women who travel, but do you ever go anywhere? You never talk about where it is YOU’VE  been. You don’t need a partner to travel with. As a woman I’ve been to several countries and a few continents by myself. I sat in a Parisian park enjoying the sun and watching the world go by. I met men who stopped me in the street to invite me to lunch. I took a cooking class in Malaysia and met wonderful people. You can do that too but all you’ll be doing is watching all the couples go by and lament that you’re single instead of enjoying the city. 
 

You don’t even possess the qualities that you want women to have so you can’t attract them.  🤯🤯

We. Don’t. Know. Anymore.

What more is there to say???
 

Standing ovation.

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Don’t have to if you don’t want to.  ZA wants his idealistic checklist to be crossed off, otherwise he’’d rather die a kissless virgin , that’s what he’s been trying to say 

Exactly. I really do not think what I am I looking for is unreasonable.

[ZA Dater]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

And if he was happy with that choice, none of these endless threads would exist. He’s not remotely happy with that.

Who would be happy with that, like many I will lean to adapt and live with it. 

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yet, when we posters have this experience, you accuse us of settling, or having no options, or being happy with someone we aren't attracted to.   Why do you dismiss us when we are describing the same kind of connection you experienced? 

 

The point is I did not need to spend 10 dates with her to experience that, she was physically attractive when I first saw her which helped pique my interest. Case in point of the reverse this afternoon, I spent it at a function with a friend and a lady he is interested in, she is very attractive but after 30 minutes I had had enough so good looks are not an automatic "yes" for me. She of course lapped up all of his player charm.

All I am saying that with no connection the entire idea of dating is totally pointless.

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Until he got to know her and actually dated her, he would have no idea what he was in for...  He didn't... so he doesn't know what he was in for.

I know if I bite into a lemon... all lemons are pretty much going to be exactly the same.

There is a lot about me which is heavily slanted toward caring despite the general view her that I am truly awful person so that scenario had a lot of appeal to me, I have endless levels of patience and I loved spending time with both of them, sure it would have been challenging but I tend to run toward challenges than away for them.

One thing I know, I'll always look back fondly on these weeks as some of the best I have had.