Catfish

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

These guys jump through no hoops whatsoever

Of course they do.
They have no doubt spent years perfecting their technique.
They will be able to identify likely "candidates" easily.
They will then know what works, and what doesn't.
They will know what to say, when to say it, when to escalate, when to wait.
When to press forward, when to give up altogether...
 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Of course they do.
They have no doubt spent years perfecting their technique.
They will be able to identify likely "candidates" easily.
They will then know what works, and what doesn't.
They will know what to say, when to say it, when to escalate, when to wait.
When to press forward, when to give up altogether...
 

I totally disagree. For them its a lot easier because they are attractive. Miss A says no, well there is easy to find Miss B and so on and so forth, attraction means choice, the less attractive one is the less choice one has.

Fact of the matter for them anyone they find attractive is a go, most of the time they get exactly what they want too, not much of any compromises needed and the biggest difference of all, ladies chase them so little chasing required either. 

Sure they have experience which the above illustrates. 

Lesson here never underestimate the massive advantage good looks give you.

[bene]

I think we have already established that you look fine and you don’t have physical defects that would objectively hold you back. Yet somehow you insist that there is something inherently wrong with the way you look.

Confidence and feeling at ease of course comes across in the way people carry themselves. This is the part where you can actually do something.

[Alfano]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well it was a good call on the waitress, seems there is a BF so at least my radar was not too wrong on this one

Seems?

That doesn't sound very certain.

 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well it was a good call on the waitress, seems there is a BF so at least my radar was not too wrong on this one. No real loss...

Did you ask her or did she volunteer the info?

[ZA Dater]

On 8/31/2021 at 1:03 AM, elaine567 said:

Did you ask her or did she volunteer the info?

I tried my luck and even tried to flirt but that got closed down very quickly so I will leave it at that. Honestly I am just irritated with the concept of dating, I had three reasonable Tinder matches this week and all three ghosted me then again what did I expect, even after conversing for hours with them. I am sure someone better simply came along and well, that is that, easy come and easy go. 

Also I need to say all three of these were attractive, common interests and they were actually physically attractive which is a change but I just get angry with myself because I do not have the skills other guys have and that becomes apparent quite quickly.

I'll stick to cars and work I think.

[Happy Lemming]

@ZA Dater saw this news article and thought of your earlier encounter.  I guess these instagram models occasionally get unwanted attention from bad people.

"Popular Instagram model found dead in Richmond apartment was strangled"

Source: https://abc13.com/mercedes-morr-death-jenae-gagnier-instagram-model-killed-kevin-alexander-accorto/10990239/

[ZA Dater]

Just now, Happy Lemming said:

@ZA Dater saw this news article and thought of your earlier encounter.  I guess these instagram models occasionally get unwanted attention from bad people.

"Popular Instagram model found dead in Richmond apartment was strangled"

Source: https://abc13.com/mercedes-morr-death-jenae-gagnier-instagram-model-killed-kevin-alexander-accorto/10990239/

I think that is tragic.  I am quite sore today, spent a few hours chatting with someone who did seemingly tick most of my boxes and then get ghosted and unmatched after "well I suppose you are not interested anymore" would it be so difficult for people to just be honest? Clearly.

Oh and the same last week, why I bother I have no idea, perhaps on the misguided notion that it would be nice to actually share thing with someone. I am going to a really great place for lunch, its booked up months in advance because its so popular and the setting is beautiful. As ever "why don't you bring a plus 1" , this causes endless issues that statement because I then need to find a plus 1!

My usual lark with K wont work this time so that idea is out. A does not live in the same city.........off to OLD to try and find a plus 1.....with the same predictable results!

I'll just go alone. 

[Alfano]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I tried my luck and even tried to flirt but that got closed down very quickly so I will leave it at that

It doesn't naturally follow that she's got a boyfriend- she just isn't interested in YOU.

The women on the dating sites who reject you probably don't have boyfriends either.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think that is tragic.  I am quite sore today, spent a few hours chatting with someone who did seemingly tick most of my boxes and then get ghosted and unmatched after "well I suppose you are not interested anymore" would it be so difficult for people to just be honest? Clearly

I feel there was typo above and you sent the bolded after being ghosted and she then unmatched you.   If this is the case, how long had she been ignoring you before you sent this response?     

Or is what you wrote accurate and you said this while she was still conversing with you?   If this is the case, it was a massive piece of self sabotage and of course she ghosted and unmatched you.  

 

 

[elaine567]

Most women reject guys they are not interested in, whether they have a bf or some other romantic interest in their lives or not.
You seem to think you always lose out to some other guy, when women are quite capable of deciding who they want to date or reject without another man or men, being involved.
Women, like you do too, often have a check list.
If you don't match up, you don't match up.
Simple.

As you seem to have a problem matching up with every woman you meet, then you need to seriously ask yourself, why is that?

[elaine567]

I hope you are not telling these women you are useless at dating, you have no experience and everyone rejects you for better men...

[mark clemson]

There is such a thing as "too much honesty" IMO, particularly right at the start where it can be a bit like a job interview in the sense that there's a lot of "assessment" going on.

It's too bad that you are talking (online chatting) with these women and then they are rejecting you. Could it be they are interested at first but then you "fail the job interview"? IF that might be the case, perhaps consider how you might try to improve that.

[elaine567]

19 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

There is such a thing as "too much honesty" IMO, particularly right at the start where it can be a bit like a job interview in the sense that there's a lot of "assessment" going on

 Job interviews are boring, so I think that is why many people keep it light and end up joking and bantering and telling interesting stories and anecdotes.
They are sussing out sense of humour, friendliness and basic social skills.
Can I get along on with this person? or am I bored and irritated?
Does he make me feel good or is he making me annoyed or angry or upset even...?
Do we feel comfortable together, or should we just go our separate ways?

[mark clemson]

^^ yeah. I mentioned job interviews because of the "assessment of the other person" aspect that often happens early on. But certainly a big part of a first few dates is how well you get along, social skills, similarities in personality, etc, etc. All the things you mention. Men are often looking at these things as well I think. So if you really screw up/don't align on these aspects it's similar to screwing up a job interview. You're unlikely to get "hired".

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

I feel there was typo above and you sent the bolded after being ghosted and she then unmatched you.   If this is the case, how long had she been ignoring you before you sent this response?     

Or is what you wrote accurate and you said this while she was still conversing with you?   If this is the case, it was a massive piece of self sabotage and of course she ghosted and unmatched you.  

 

 

When someone speaks to me for like 4 hours and then cannot even be bothered to greet for an entire day and a half then yes that is ghosted, at the end the end of the day Tinder is like shopping, he with the most wins and ladies can pick and choose at will, especially when they are tall, slim, 32yo and attractive.

Same as another one, same story, all interested and then zero communication at all. That one I just blocked on WhatsApp. 

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Most women reject guys they are not interested in, whether they have a bf or some other romantic interest in their lives or not.
You seem to think you always lose out to some other guy, when women are quite capable of deciding who they want to date or reject without another man or men, being involved.
Women, like you do too, often have a check list.
If you don't match up, you don't match up.
Simple.

As you seem to have a problem matching up with every woman you meet, then you need to seriously ask yourself, why is that?

Pretty easy because unlike me they have loads of options and loads of potential interest. I look at dating as a competition of sorts because it is, sure I do not bother competing in the conventional way because that does not interest me, I compete on my own terms. If she likes me, well that is unlikely but anyway, the fact of the matter is in my mind I am in the race and the motivation is to one day actually get it right. How bitter I'll be by then is another matter but I carry indifference pretty well, it makes me care less but makes me more irritated.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I hope you are not telling these women you are useless at dating, you have no experience and everyone rejects you for better men...

I do actually. I could not care less, really I could not because when they meet me they are going to see that anyway so why bother trying to even hide it. I have been called any number of insults in my life and they actually are about as important to me as a whether it rains in Washington today.

Do I use some degree of tact, sure but the reality is if someone cannot accept me who I am then should I be really interested in that person to begin with?

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

 Job interviews are boring, so I think that is why many people keep it light and end up joking and bantering and telling interesting stories and anecdotes.
They are sussing out sense of humour, friendliness and basic social skills.
Can I get along on with this person? or am I bored and irritated?
Does he make me feel good or is he making me annoyed or angry or upset even...?
Do we feel comfortable together, or should we just go our separate ways?

All very good and well, except for the fact that for the most part NO date I seem to go on puts any degree of effort into making me feel good, its almost exclusively about them and yes that annoys me usually after the fact. I walk into this coffee shop, order some food, have about 5 min of banter, leave with a smile on face and enjoy the rest of the day, crucially I am not annoyed or irritated versus sitting chatting to someone for hours and spilling my soul. All i get, ghosted a few hours later. Why bother putting in the effort. I derive great benefit from 5 min of banter ordering food than I do 5 hours of communication with the hope the person will go out with me.

Add the fact that miss and so with the bikini pic probably has 500 other matches I am competing with so it becomes a challenge of well somehow being better than the other 499.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^ yeah. I mentioned job interviews because of the "assessment of the other person" aspect that often happens early on. But certainly a big part of a first few dates is how well you get along, social skills, similarities in personality, etc, etc. All the things you mention. Men are often looking at these things as well I think. So if you really screw up/don't align on these aspects it's similar to screwing up a job interview. You're unlikely to get "hired".

I agree with you, apart from the fact I have NEVER EVER had ANY lady actually arrive and make an effort with me, its one way traffic on my part, must carry the entire conversation and pass all the compliments, do you know how many times a date has complimented me: ONCE. 

Can you really blame me for looking at the entire thing on some transactional level?

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, Alfano said:

It doesn't naturally follow that she's got a boyfriend- she just isn't interested in YOU.

The women on the dating sites who reject you probably don't have boyfriends either.

Sure, point taken but guess its very easy to pick and choose when you have tons of options which lets face it ladies on Tinder do.

See the above makes me think I should ask myself this question: why would she want to go out with me and when I do there is not much of an answer which I guess is why I cant really date over and above there is never mutual attraction. Sure I go to nice places, enjoy some of the nicer things in life from time to time but when I look around at the VERY few examples of people in what I would term good relationships it just seems they have glue which I do not have. 

 

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I do actually. I could not care less, really I could not because when they meet me they are going to see that anyway so why bother trying to even hide it. I have been called any number of insults in my life and they actually are about as important to me as a whether it rains in Washington today.

Do I use some degree of tact, sure but the reality is if someone cannot accept me who I am then should I be really interested in that person to begin with?

And you wonder why they ghost you?
SMH
Who wants a man no other woman wants?
"Spilling your soul" is something you do in therapy, NOT on a first date or before they have even met you...

[ZA Dater]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And you wonder why they ghost you?
SMH
Who wants a man no other woman wants?
"Spilling your soul" is something you do in therapy, NOT on a first date or before they have even met you...

I mean talking about the things I like, selling my good attributes. Of course expecting them to so the same, well that never happens.

[elaine567]

52 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

When someone speaks to me for like 4 hours and then cannot even be bothered to greet for an entire day and a half then yes that is ghosted, at the end the end of the day Tinder is like shopping, he with the most wins and ladies can pick and choose at will, especially when they are tall, slim, 32yo and attractive.

Same as another one, same story, all interested and then zero communication at all. That one I just blocked on WhatsApp. 

OK, so all interested and then they firmly shut you down.
I would guess something you did or said turned them off, and NOT that they found a better option. 
There will always be better options but if a person likes YOU, then the other options are immaterial.
I never felt I was in a competition. 
Thank God for that, or I would never have had the courage to date anyone, the world is full of "better" people.
Your problem is that you cannot seem to get women to like YOU well enough to want to date you.

I would forget fishing for compliments. Women tend not to compliment strange men.
Also be careful about giving out compliments to women you don't know well or who are showing little interest.
Complimenting women can be seen as obsequious, disingenuous and creepy  or even sexist and objectifying, so may not be received well.
I would also forget the term "ladies". I don't know how it is in South Africa or in your particular demographic, but many modern Western women hate being called "ladies"...

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I mean talking about the things I like, selling my good attributes. Of course expecting them to so the same, well that never happens.

NO. I said

"I hope you are not telling these women you are useless at dating, you have no experience and everyone rejects you for better men..."
and you said "I do actually."
Why on earth would you do that?