Catfish

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Some good advice. On balance I think I am probably better off focusing on the things I am good at and walking away from the ones where lets face it, I am so far behind the curve I could never really catch up.

So despite the advice being good, you’re choosing to just continue doing things the same way (and getting the same results). 

 

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The unfortunate thing is I sacrificed dating to work on myself and actually that was a fundamental mistake  because its not something one can put aside and pick up on later.

Many, many people do this. One can focus on school / career etc. and forego dating and then start dating once those things are in order….

 

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Am I wrong to compare myself with other, yes I am but when I am taking loss after loss its very hard not, its very hard to keep climbing up but I do because for better or worse giving up is not something I do often. I wish I could give up on dating completely.

This sentence doesn’t make sense. But you haven’t taken “loss after loss”. You’ve been an adult 20 years. How many women that you’ve been attracted to have you asked out on a date in those 20 years? Not including OLD…..

 

And you can give up on dating completely. You’ve already done it to “focus on yourself”. Just do that again.

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So despite the advice being good, you’re choosing to just continue doing things the same way (and getting the same results). 

 

Many, many people do this. One can focus on school / career etc. and forego dating and then start dating once those things are in order….

 

This sentence doesn’t make sense. But you haven’t taken “loss after loss”. You’ve been an adult 20 years. How many women that you’ve been attracted to have you asked out on a date in those 20 years? Not including OLD…..

 

And you can give up on dating completely. You’ve already done it to “focus on yourself”. Just do that again.

I think you miss the part where I gave up dating when most were actually "learning" how to do it so I don't actually know how to do it. For reasons I have stated many times I use OLD exclusively, sorry to say the outcome would be absolutely no different IRL versus OLD. I love how a distinction is made when OLD and IRL when there really is not one. Frankly the chances of looking like an awkward idiot are considerably larger IRL than they are on OLD and well if someone does not find my picture attractive on OLD they certainly are not going to find me any more attractive when I am standing in front of them, unless you reckon women are less inclined to reject someone in front of them.....

Loss after loss means absolutely no mutual attraction ever but I suppose I am to blame for this, everyone else seems to find this about as easy as walking down the road. Frankly I don't see why I must do all the work and figure out if someone is interested (they never are that I can discern) and then get a kick in the face when I am rejected, I might as not ever bother to begin with but hey I can preach from the rooftops people simply do not get it, you get rejected over and over again, you never get much interest and you tell me your outlook would be different to mine. 

I get it spend time with people I see over and over and yes I have tried that, let me tell you what happens I simply get used, often for the tasks their supposedly wonderful BF's wont. "I am moving my bf cant help can you help me" "hi my car is broken down can you help" and more and YES I helped because I wanted to but I was often left staggered as to what exactly made these men so fantastic. No I have the purpose of the guy who can actually help and the interest shown in me is to that end only. Dating, nah there are better guys than him but there are few more reliable guys than him, he is always there for me. 

I am fast reaching the point of not giving a .......

[bene]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I get it spend time with people I see over and over and yes I have tried that, let me tell you what happens I simply get used, often for the tasks their supposedly wonderful BF's wont. "I am moving my bf cant help can you help me" "hi my car is broken down can you help" and more and YES I helped because I wanted to but I was often left staggered as to what exactly made these men so fantastic.

This is why you shouldn’t orbit women who you don’t actually see as friends. If you don’t show any romantic interest they are going to interpret your friendship as friendship.

I understand that you might downplay your interest to stay around and enjoy female companionship but as you said yourself it will hurt you eventually.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Frankly the chances of looking like an awkward idiot are considerably larger IRL than they are on OLD and well if someone does not find my picture attractive on OLD they certainly are not going to find me any more attractive when I am standing in front of them, unless you reckon women are less inclined to reject someone in front of them.....

@ZA Dater, I am not sure why I am continuing to post, it appears anything anyone advises gets immediately shot down by you. 

Why was it you created this thread again?  Rhetorical question.  Whatever.

Perhaps you should create a blog and just vent and allow folks to focus on helping those who truly value their input.

But anyway, I will give it one last shot.

Yes there is a huge difference between OLD and REAL life.   With OLD it's all about LOOKS.

And with REAL life it's about one's energy, one's vibe, their presence, their essence, how they carry themselves, how they verbally articulate themselves, their voice, AND yes appearance, but it's all those things combined that determines a person's overall attractiveness.  And that can only be determined in person.

Why are you focused solely on looks?  I don't get it.  I posted in previous post it's your ENERGY that is turning these women off, NOT your looks.

I mean no disrespect I am actually trying to help, but your energy is piss poor and THAT is why you continue getting rejected.

You can improve your energy by improving yourself, your state, your frame, how you value yourself.  It's clear your self-esteem is in the gutter!  It's become a vicious cycle because the more you get rejected the more down on yourself you become, the less you value yourself and the more negative your energy becomes.

And believe you me, women can sense a man's piss poor energy a mile, 100 miles, away!

You are not bad looking ZA.  There is another reason why women are not finding you sexually appealing/attractive and rejecting you.

From your avatar, you could probably use to buff up a bit, as explained in my previous post which again was shot down by you.  In addition to improving your appearance, it will increase your testosterone levels which in turn increases your sexual attractiveness.  There has been research done about this, I suggest you google, read and learn. 

You do not have to allow yourself to become an orbiter or white knight to these women.   Just say no.  They need to see you as a sexual masculine man, THAT is what will attract them.  Not this "oh poor me, nothing I do works, I am doomed to be single the rest of my life" BS. 

Again, that cry me a river, piss poor attitude is reflected in your energy, your vibe, your presence.   NOT your looks, in fact it has nothing to do with your looks.  You are focusing on the WRONG thing.

Just my final $.02, take it or leave it.

All the best.

Edited September 10, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

On 9/10/2021 at 7:33 AM, ZA Dater said:

I think you miss the part where I gave up dating when most were actually "learning" how to do it so I don't actually know how to do it.

That was a long time ago. Sounds like that was the excuse at the time not to take the risk, very similar to now, just different excuses. 

 

On 9/10/2021 at 7:33 AM, ZA Dater said:

Loss after loss means absolutely no mutual attraction ever

And what exactly do you lose when there’s no mutual attraction? 

[elaine567]

On 9/10/2021 at 3:33 PM, ZA Dater said:

...let me tell you what happens I simply get used, often for the tasks their supposedly wonderful BF's wont. "I am moving my bf cant help can you help me" "hi my car is broken down can you help" and more and YES I helped because I wanted to but I was often left staggered as to what exactly made these men so fantastic. No I have the purpose of the guy who can actually help and the interest shown in me is to that end only.

You seem to think that by doing stuff for these women you are better than their bfs and you can't see why they do not appreciate your worth.
BUT my guess is that by doing things for these women they no doubt see you as the guy who will do menial tasks for them that their bf wouldn't dream of doing.
You put yourself in a "servant" type role and that is not attractive to women who would rather their man hired a mechanic to fix his car and a removal guy to move his stuff, rather than for him to do it himself.
There are women who  are impressed by guys that are self sufficient and can "do" stuff but obviously not the women you know...
Of course with the platonic vibe you give off, they may just not  ever see you as "dating material". 

[ZA Dater]

22 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Yes there is a huge difference between OLD and REAL life.   With OLD it's all about LOOKS.

And with REAL life it's about one's energy, one's vibe, their presence, their essence, how they carry themselves, how they verbally articulate themselves, their voice, AND yes appearance, but it's all those things combined that determines a person's overall attractiveness.  And that can only be determined in person.

Why are you focused solely on looks?  I don't get it.  I posted in previous post it's your ENERGY that is turning these women off, NOT your looks.

I mean no disrespect I am actually trying to help, but your energy is piss poor and THAT is why you continue getting rejected.

You can improve your energy by improving yourself, your state, your frame, how you value yourself.  It's clear your self-esteem is in the gutter!  It's become a vicious cycle because the more you get rejected the more down on yourself you become, the less you value yourself and the more negative your energy becomes.

And believe you me, women can sense a man's piss poor energy a mile, 100 miles, away!

You are not bad looking ZA.  There is another reason why women are not finding you sexually appealing/attractive and rejecting you.

From your avatar, you could probably use to buff up a bit, as explained in my previous post which again was shot down by you.  In addition to improving your appearance, it will increase your testosterone levels which in turn increases your sexual attractiveness.  There has been research done about this, I suggest you google, read and learn. 

You do not have to allow yourself to become an orbiter or white knight to these women.   Just say no.  They need to see you as a sexual masculine man, THAT is what will attract them.  Not this "oh poor me, nothing I do works, I am doomed to be single the rest of my life" BS. 

Again, that cry me a river, piss poor attitude is reflected in your energy, your vibe, your presence.   NOT your looks, in fact it has nothing to do with your looks.  You are focusing on the WRONG thing.

Just my final $.02, take it or leave it.

All the best.

Alright I will attempt to do as you say. I still contend that in my opinion looks matter irrespective but I will defer to your experience.

I simply do not have apparently good energy so its probably better I just stick to the things I can sort do because changing my energy seems pretty much impossible. Make no mistake my looks put them off equally so its a loss loss situation, lets just be candid here because if I sort of decent looks I would at least get an opportunity which I seldom do.

You are 100% right it is a never ending cycle, absolutely true and correct which is why I tend to try and looks for some sort of win to reverse that cycle. I do work out simply to try and work away from the day to day stress of life and because well it makes me feel good some of the time.

So tell me what sort of presence should I project? 

Again I do not disagree with you, its just really, really difficult to actually get into this game, so I go to a function, for arguments sake there are say 5 guys and 6 ladies, the 5 include me and I really do try to be outgoing and I really do try to be friendly but guess where all the attention is given, the other four guys, bucket loads of it in fact and yes again you are right I simply have a choice here either let it take me down the cycle or I simply harden my resolve and ignore it but I cant really ignore it but I can make it bother me less. 

I am trying to think how to best describe this but to be fair most of the time I know I am not really in the game so its better for me to  just be the best version of me which is the helpful, thoughtful guy, I am pretty good at that, though I know that is not ever valued. 

The other flip side to the cycle you mentioned is when I continually get very unattractive matches, sure one should not determine ones worth like that but I do think one can determine ones attractiveness to an extent. 

Let me try and explain this, say I meet someone this waitress for example, I'll try be friendly, I'll try be light humorous, though bear in mind my humour is pretty dry, I'll try show positive body language, heck I will even try smile,  I have always done these things but whether its a waitress or someone at a function I ALWAYS end up taking a loss to some joker type guy, I cannot and will never be that super charming, super flirt guy, I do try though.

The point I am making is I do actually try but after so many years of no interest its a case of "well why bother it will just be the same", you try and actually think about that and again I am not disagreeing with your post above, its very very difficult to win from a position of near absolute loss.

Yes spending time with A and K makes me feel good, far better than trying to make awkward conversation with someone at a function, the weeks I spent with A, almost everyone commented how different I was, it felt really good to have someone around who while not romantically interested in me does care to some degree and takes some interest in me, that for me is a win of sorts. 

Yes I will try and work on what you say, as hard as it is. 

 

[ZA Dater]

33 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Of course with the platonic vibe you give off, they may just not  ever see you as "dating material". 

It does not matter really because we all know I like the unattainable idea a great deal more than I like the "well she is not really that attractive but" idea.  In all honesty I would not know how to give off any other vibe than the friend vibe. 

I have learnt there is a great deal I do not understand and maybe will never understand either, it probably more natural for me to be useful rather than lovable. Perhaps I just thought that useful and different could actually be attractive. Yesterday was another one of those awkward social events where I just had no real game whatsoever and was irritated with myself as a result but I looked around and well even at the best game I had it would not make any difference. 

I'll be quite honest I do crave the attention of someone I find attractive but the band aid for that is to put everything into the hobbies I have and work, it sort of takes some of that feeling away some of the time. Yes, I was never really in the game with A but it was nice for a moment to think I could sort of compete.

Maybe I am simply just not dating material at all.

[chillii]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Alright I will attempt to do as you say. I still contend that in my opinion looks matter irrespective but I will defer to your experience.

I simply do not have apparently good energy so its probably better I just stick to the things I can sort do because changing my energy seems pretty much impossible. Make no mistake my looks put them off equally so its a loss loss situation, lets just be candid here because if I sort of decent looks I would at least get an opportunity which I seldom do.

You are 100% right it is a never ending cycle, absolutely true and correct which is why I tend to try and looks for some sort of win to reverse that cycle. I do work out simply to try and work away from the day to day stress of life and because well it makes me feel good some of the time.

So tell me what sort of presence should I project? 

Again I do not disagree with you, its just really, really difficult to actually get into this game, so I go to a function, for arguments sake there are say 5 guys and 6 ladies, the 5 include me and I really do try to be outgoing and I really do try to be friendly but guess where all the attention is given, the other four guys, bucket loads of it in fact and yes again you are right I simply have a choice here either let it take me down the cycle or I simply harden my resolve and ignore it but I cant really ignore it but I can make it bother me less. 

I am trying to think how to best describe this but to be fair most of the time I know I am not really in the game so its better for me to  just be the best version of me which is the helpful, thoughtful guy, I am pretty good at that, though I know that is not ever valued. 

The other flip side to the cycle you mentioned is when I continually get very unattractive matches, sure one should not determine ones worth like that but I do think one can determine ones attractiveness to an extent. 

Let me try and explain this, say I meet someone this waitress for example, I'll try be friendly, I'll try be light humorous, though bear in mind my humour is pretty dry, I'll try show positive body language, heck I will even try smile,  I have always done these things but whether its a waitress or someone at a function I ALWAYS end up taking a loss to some joker type guy, I cannot and will never be that super charming, super flirt guy, I do try though.

The point I am making is I do actually try but after so many years of no interest its a case of "well why bother it will just be the same", you try and actually think about that and again I am not disagreeing with your post above, its very very difficult to win from a position of near absolute loss.

Yes spending time with A and K makes me feel good, far better than trying to make awkward conversation with someone at a function, the weeks I spent with A, almost everyone commented how different I was, it felt really good to have someone around who while not romantically interested in me does care to some degree and takes some interest in me, that for me is a win of sorts. 

Yes I will try and work on what you say, as hard as it is. 

 

 

What you don't get and l said something about it threads and threads and threads ago because l could see way way back what was probably happening pretty well on sight . Energy , vibes, personality , feel , looks , they're all one and the same. This is why we tried to talk you into having a beer or something before hand, or during, to loosen you up a bit. They're picking "you" up on sight and all that negative and doom and gloom inside and body language .

Tell you something, had a customer yesterday morning, he wasn't a pretty man that is for sure, made you look like Fabio . But it wasn't even that , he just had this look, his way,  a look that on sight l see now and then in someone and just do not like. But, he was here 3hrs while we were getting his job organized and over that time he loosened up and l tell ya what , by the time he left l really wound up liking this guy and we were getting along pretty good, few jokes and all. Turns out he's married got a family and was a really nice guy but on sight he gave of a couldn't be more opposite vibe until he loosened up . It wasn't he's looks even though as l say he sure wasn't a pretty man, it was his way, vibe. But it all changed though as his personality started coming out. That exact same thing can happen with women or men meeting.

Your down and doom black and white , attitudes, all of it energy come through so strong even in your threads they're literally hard to read and l'd be betting as l would've threads and threads ago , that's what's turning them off on sight, not your looks, but that stuff is looks, as much as looks are, they'll feel that from 100 paces.

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

Your down and doom black and white , attitudes, all of it energy come through so strong even in your threads they're literally hard to read and l'd be betting as l would've threads and threads ago , that's what's turning them off on sight, not your looks, but that stuff is looks, as much as looks are, they'll feel that from 100 paces.

Yup - @ZA Dater is so convinced that he’s going to be rejected that he’s basically guaranteeing that he will rejected.  Zero confidence. Every woman you meet that you’re attracted to you won’t even ask out on a date, or let her know you’re interested in her romantically. Not “A”, not coffee shop lady. What he seems to aspire to is just getting to know them so he can fantasize about it being more. He can stay safe in the friend zone, but at least he had the fantasy. And it’s those fantasies (what he calls experiences) that he really doesn’t want to lose.

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, chillii said:

 

What you don't get and l said something about it threads and threads and threads ago because l could see way way back what was probably happening pretty well on sight . Energy , vibes, personality , feel , looks , they're all one and the same. This is why we tried to talk you into having a beer or something before hand, or during, to loosen you up a bit. They're picking "you" up on sight and all that negative and doom and gloom inside and body language .

Tell you something, had a customer yesterday morning, he wasn't a pretty man that is for sure, made you look like Fabio . But it wasn't even that , he just had this look, his way,  a look that on sight l see now and then in someone and just do not like. But, he was here 3hrs while we were getting his job organized and over that time he loosened up and l tell ya what , by the time he left l really wound up liking this guy and we were getting along pretty good, few jokes and all. Turns out he's married got a family and was a really nice guy but on sight he gave of a couldn't be more opposite vibe until he loosened up . It wasn't he's looks even though as l say he sure wasn't a pretty man, it was his way, vibe. But it all changed though as his personality started coming out. That exact same thing can happen with women or men meeting.

Your down and doom black and white , attitudes, all of it energy come through so strong even in your threads they're literally hard to read and l'd be betting as l would've threads and threads ago , that's what's turning them off on sight, not your looks, but that stuff is looks, as much as looks are, they'll feel that from 100 paces.

I agree with much of the above. As they say first impressions do really count. 

Unfortunately I am pretty intense, its just who I am, I try put a humorous spin in it to try and lighten things up. What I am doing now is investing even less into dating in the sense, I'll check OLD every so often but its far from the centre of my life, I have friends who go through dates like I eat dinners, each one better looking than the last and I get to hear all the stories, all of which are far more pleasant than any of  my own.

Someone here is right, maybe I need to care less.

[ZA Dater]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yup - @ZA Dater is so convinced that he’s going to be rejected that he’s basically guaranteeing that he will rejected.  Zero confidence. Every woman you meet that you’re attracted to you won’t even ask out on a date, or let her know you’re interested in her romantically. Not “A”, not coffee shop lady. What he seems to aspire to is just getting to know them so he can fantasize about it being more. He can stay safe in the friend zone, but at least he had the fantasy. And it’s those fantasies (what he calls experiences) that he really doesn’t want to lose.

Alright. Pick whatever sport you like, a player low on confidence is likely to play pretty badly, would you agree? Ask yourself why I only dip my toe into the water as opposed to diving in, its a near total lack of confidence from a total lack of success. I nearly did actually ask the coffee shop lady out but when I tried to get her name the cold shoulder I got suggested that all the friendly banter over a period of days had not been very effective. There was nothing but a loss to be had there.

You are not wrong, the friend zone has considerable advantages for me which is why I am not really adverse to it, especially if its someone who realistically would not give me the time of day ordinarily. 

Where you and I disagree, confidence comes from many things but it primarily comes from success at something, I have never had any success with women so tell me where that confidence is supposed to come from? It would be one thing to get rejected over and over again, let is wash off like water if I could say "well I have kinda got this right before, there is no reason I cant do it again", rejection itself does not bother me so much when its from people I did not particularly like to begin with but its harder to shrug off when its people I did like.

Have you ever considered I struggle with asking people out, I struggle how to show interest in them, my default is to take interest in them. Likewise I cannot see if they are interested in me, mostly it would seem few/none are which I guess is fine. 

Add in the problem is I have no qualms showing these weaknesses and any interest is gone, even if I tried to hide this away it becomes pretty clear to any women who meets me. Add in someone who is pretty emotionally closed off and this is not a winning combination at all. 

[SumGuy]

On 9/11/2021 at 1:40 PM, elaine567 said:

...
You put yourself in a "servant" type role and that is not attractive to women who would rather their man hired a mechanic to fix his car and a removal guy to move his stuff, rather than for him to do it himself.
There are women who  are impressed by guys that are self sufficient and can "do" stuff ...

Must be lucky, most of the women I've dated love I can fix stuff, kind of a rarity it seems...My GF loves it when I fix something, clean the gutters, do some yard work especially if have to take my shirt off...and being there to "serve"

[elaine567]

34 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

kind of a rarity it seems

Not a rarity in general, but in the "top tier" superficial type women ZA covets,  I guess it may be a rarity.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not a rarity in general, but in the "top tier" superficial type women ZA covets,  I guess it may be a rarity.

What makes them so called top tier? Is it because they are deemed attractive by many men? 

I'll try work on some of the things which have been suggested and maybe I might actually liked that challenge even if I get no real reward at the end of it. Maybe the answer is to care less.

 

[chillii]

On 9/13/2021 at 2:09 AM, ZA Dater said:

I agree with much of the above. As they say first impressions do really count. 

Unfortunately I am pretty intense, its just who I am, I try put a humorous spin in it to try and lighten things up. What I am doing now is investing even less into dating in the sense, I'll check OLD every so often but its far from the centre of my life, I have friends who go through dates like I eat dinners, each one better looking than the last and I get to hear all the stories, all of which are far more pleasant than any of  my own.

Someone here is right, maybe I need to care less.

 

lntense is ok , l'm very intense , but l also purposely keep things light , even around LS , l can't be bothered with detail and trouble so many posters will go to, forums in general l purposely keep things light , l have much bigger things in life..

l worked out in my 20s though, my depth and thoughts, perceptions, were way too much for most people and it tended to make them edgy , and it didn't really make me happy either, it actually brought me down . l found peace in saving the important things to me , for the important times and people that mattered, but they didn't matter 24 7 anyway. Luckily for me l was also blessed with a light hearted sense of humor from my dad , and it was nice to laugh. But eh , l wasn't all negative and down on myself the way you are and that's what l was taking about you sound like you live it , that'll show, feel.

ps, how do you know a large part of it is your looks too, have people said stuff ? Anyway, my point was that all that crap comes out in your look too, not only in your physical energy.

Anyway , l'll check out of this one again from here , make of it what you do.

 

 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by chillii

[SumGuy]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Not a rarity in general, but in the "top tier" superficial type women ZA covets,  I guess it may be a rarity.

oohh I meant the rarity is having those skills to fix things.  I've encountered plenty of the "upper class" disdain for such things...people who are proud they know next to little about anything in the realm of anything except social status maintenance and seeking.  To be honest only have encountered it in those born to money.

[ZA Dater]

I think maybe there is a time where some things do start to make some degree of sense. Last week I met someone really nice, we chatted well, lots of voice notes and we agreed to meet at a food market. The day before the meet up I got blocked, quite oddly because the conversation the previous day had ended well.

The previous week a similar thing happened, in both instances there was quite a lot in common, in that instance she told me she was busy with work so I just left it, I waited a few days and wished her well with the presentation she was doing, did not hear another word.

There was nothing else I could think of to add to these two conversation but what I did sense was these people were not really "into" me, there was no real initiation on their part. Are women supposed to show any sort of interest? It would seem when no interest is shown its akin to trying to climb a mountain with no mountain climbing equipment. Sure, the fact the person matched showed some degree of interest but that not really enough seemingly.

With both these interactions I tried to build in some what I have been taught here. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Are women supposed to show any sort of interest?

Interested women will show interest. You’ve experienced this already, although you weren’t interested in them back.

 

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

It would seem when no interest is shown its akin to trying to climb a mountain with no mountain climbing equipment.

Same as you right? If you don’t find someone attractive for whatever reason, there’s not much they can do to change your mind.

 

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure, the fact the person matched showed some degree of interest but that not really enough seemingly.

Nope. You were a “maybe” before you met then a “no” after meeting you. Very common with OLD. Most people won’t be a match. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

. Are women supposed to show any sort of interest?

Of course.
 

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The day before the meet up I got blocked, quite oddly because the conversation the previous day had ended well.

The previous week a similar thing happened, in both instances there was quite a lot in common...

If |I were you I would look very carefully at these conversations.
Is there anything you said that could have put them off meeting you?

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Interested women will show interest. You’ve experienced this already, although you weren’t interested in them back.

 

Same as you right? If you don’t find someone attractive for whatever reason, there’s not much they can do to change your mind.

 

Nope. You were a “maybe” before you met then a “no” after meeting you. Very common with OLD. Most people won’t be a match. 

Never met either of them, one set up a date and simply vanished on the day of the date, odd to say the least. She was friendly and nice to to that point. I doubt I put her off and one thing I have learnt from here is I can't go back and wonder about what I said.

Other well I suspect she is just after a big wallet so I wasn't surprised at the lack of interest. 

Frankly the interest I have had is pretty overstated to be fair. 

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Of course.
 

If |I were you I would look very carefully at these conversations.
Is there anything you said that could have put them off meeting you?

I don't think I said anything really untoward. It's just disappointing because instead of going to a nice market with some good conversation I sat at home and worked. 

I loaded no expectations on either of these people but I guess dating really is like shopping. 

Perhaps the thing I am learning is the sense of just being at peace with the inevitable conclusion. Either I see it as negative or I just move on.

The sadness I just feel sometimes is less to do with the rejection but all the things I an missing out on, that's a harder thing to reconcile.

[ZA Dater]

I then decided to try look at arrangements again and I thought I could do that but I cant, it does not sit well with me and morally its not what I really want to do. Sure, its the easiest way for me to get some "experience" but I just cant reconcile the idea of paying for it, its wrong on so many levels. Granted as usual I had a better conversation and it was nice to at least be found attractive even if that interest was fake.

Basically as is usual none of the recent matches even went beyond a conversation barring the one above which simply disappeared. Any other interest is frankly not the interest I actually want, a 49 year old wants to go for a walk, honestly I ask myself "why", I am not interested in her even slightly.

[Foxhall]

the idea of "networking" that you hear about in the business world,

that could be applied to dating- even this "arrangement" girl she might have a friend who would be interested in meeting you for real,

or what about the traditional way- would any of your friends know someone and set you up with an introduction,

the more women you meet ,even if you dont fancy them or vice versa, they might have another friend who could be suitable and so on,

sometimes staying friendly with a woman despite there being no romantic chance, that could have long term benefit,

you never know down the line she could have a single friend and say well maybe Za Dater could be a decent option for this girl.

some women get stung with "players" and then they might change their tune a little- "ok Ill try a more solid type of guy" next time and if you happen to have a few contacts built up- you could be in right place at right time

 

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Foxhall said:

the idea of "networking" that you hear about in the business world,

that could be applied to dating- even this "arrangement" girl she might have a friend who would be interested in meeting you for real,

or what about the traditional way- would any of your friends know someone and set you up with an introduction,

the more women you meet ,even if you dont fancy them or vice versa, they might have another friend who could be suitable and so on,

sometimes staying friendly with a woman despite there being no romantic chance, that could have long term benefit,

you never know down the line she could have a single friend and say well maybe Za Dater could be a decent option for this girl.

some women get stung with "players" and then they might change their tune a little- "ok Ill try a more solid type of guy" next time and if you happen to have a few contacts built up- you could be in right place at right time

 

You are not wrong with this line of thinking, I have just found it quite difficult to actually be "good enough" to be introduced to people I may actually like, instead its usually the ones the player guys are not interested who to put it bluntly are not very attractive. This experience can be a horrible one for me and for them. 

When I got sucked into this part of the game it just made me bitter because I pretty much saw the "bones" of this, being money, status and looks being the be all and end all so I did what only thing I could and removed myself from the "he is single lets introduce him" scenario and rather moved to the "leave him alone, he isnt good enough" scenario which I am actually more comfortable with because I means I never get my hopes up and I look at miss brunette and I pretty much know there are 100 guys ahead of me. 

But yes I agree in a different environment what you propose would certainly work for many people assuming everyone actually wanted the other to succeed, in my world its a kick to the face and another kick for good measure when you are on the ground so the best way to deal with this is to never get into the ring. Sadly I have met many people stung by players, the go right on back for me, rinse and repeat.

Mostly people who know me tend to get more out of me than I actually get from them so the scales are always unbalanced. But you know what I have the freedom to approach each day with a clear mind and that helps re balance those scales.