Catfish

[Weezy1973]

52 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Question is dodged. Would you date someone you do not find attractive because the people you do find attractive will not date you?

The question was not dodged. The majority of people do not settle because they find people of their same attractiveness level attractive. 
 

You don’t. And you don’t put yourself in positions where the possibility of growing attracted to someone over time can happen. It won’t happen through OLD.

 

Also attractive traits aren’t equal. You being slim and fit isn’t equal to a woman being slim and fit. Just like a woman being wealthy and successful isn’t equal to man being wealthy and successful. And age plays into it a well. As far as I remember, you’re only really interested in women younger than you. 
 

But as long as you refuse to change your life in any way, yes you’re forced to settle. Either you settle for a life of solitude, or you settle for a partner that doesn’t tick all your attraction boxes. 

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The question was not dodged. The majority of people do not settle because they find people of their same attractiveness level attractive. 
 

You don’t. And you don’t put yourself in positions where the possibility of growing attracted to someone over time can happen. It won’t happen through OLD.

 

Also attractive traits aren’t equal. You being slim and fit isn’t equal to a woman being slim and fit. Just like a woman being wealthy and successful isn’t equal to man being wealthy and successful. And age plays into it a well. As far as I remember, you’re only really interested in women younger than you. 
 

But as long as you refuse to change your life in any way, yes you’re forced to settle. Either you settle for a life of solitude, or you settle for a partner that doesn’t tick all your attraction boxes. 

Wow ok so what stage in life are we supposed to be told  "well you know Johnny, Samantha is too attractive for you but how about Anne instead, that is your level", I am being ridiculous yes. Attraction over time, I have thought about this a fair bit, is this just a way we try convince ourselves someone is attractive?

No course nothing is equal. Well seeing as most women my age have kids that pretty much rules them out, especially as few are genuinely self supportive. 

Elaine has just basically confirmed my point of view that a large number of people fine ABC attractive but cant get that so XYZ is deemed attractive by virtue of there being no alternative. Does not seem to be a fantastic way to live to be honest.

As for someone who does not tick those boxes, again why compromise like this when there are people who do, makes no sense to me.

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Wow ok so what stage in life are we supposed to be told  "well you know Johnny, Samantha is too attractive for you but how about Anne instead, that is your level", I am being ridiculous yes.

Most people figure it out themselves. I was in my early 20s when I “got it”. It wasn’t a sudden epiphany or anything. Just saw that couples matched for the most part. 

 

17 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Attraction over time, I have thought about this a fair bit, is this just a way we try convince ourselves someone is attractive?

No. The attraction is genuine. I’ve given the example before, but I will again. When I was in college I had a group project and the group was me and two women. Right away I found one of the women very attractive and didn’t really notice the other one. By the next week the roles were reversed. The first woman faded into the background and the second women was extremely attractive to me. By the end of the semester we were dating. The attraction was real.

 

20 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

As for someone who does not tick those boxes, again why compromise like this when there are people who do, makes no sense to me.

Because they’re not interested in you. Again either you compromise, or you settle for a life of solitude. What do you choose?

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most people figure it out themselves. I was in my early 20s when I “got it”. It wasn’t a sudden epiphany or anything. Just saw that couples matched for the most part. 

 

No. The attraction is genuine. I’ve given the example before, but I will again. When I was in college I had a group project and the group was me and two women. Right away I found one of the women very attractive and didn’t really notice the other one. By the next week the roles were reversed. The first woman faded into the background and the second women was extremely attractive to me. By the end of the semester we were dating. The attraction was real.

 

Because they’re not interested in you. Again either you compromise, or you settle for a life of solitude. What do you choose?

 I do not think I ever "got it" to be honest for me I approached it more with the view of attraction for me being defined by physical and compatibility, both need to be present for me to be interested. Sure, growing up I had attractive people interested in me but I was focused on other things so I let those things go on the basis "I'll pick it up when I am ready", big mistake that was.

Your example I can sort of relate to in the sense I probably had that maybe once but even then she was never that keen on me, though thinking back now I should have made more of that opportunity. 

I think in the past I may have compromised but I ask myself why when there are people I do like, why compromise for the sake of it for someone I do not really like that much. Compromising would be a LOT easier if there was good reason to do so but in this instance there just never is. I really do not think going through the motions with someone is going to put me in any better place than simply having nobody at all because going through the motions, sure I will have someone but every time I look at them I will know its not really the person I wanted and that is not fair. This is the exact reason I turned two people down who basically asked me out on dates in the past year, neither is what I want.

This is probably where I differ from many, sure I want to sleep with someone but not just anyone, she has to actually be someone I find attractive, most guys within reason will sleep with anyone. 

Each month and year I know the ship sails further away and this year in particular its a lot further out to sea but I also find myself caring a little less though the realities of it are never easier to live with, I need to actually find a sort of coping mechanism for that reality, there is probably more value to that than searching for dates. At least I do know that somewhere in world I am actually found attractive so clearly I am not too frog like in appearance. There is some comfort in that at least.

Its tough reality to live with, maybe every so often I'll find some random good interaction and for the sake of friends and family I will go through the motions but I am today was just typical I walk past a lady and greet her, she looks the other way and keeps walking. 

The fact that apparently all dating is about is compromising and settling makes it very unattractive to me, sitting here I honestly cannot think of one thing appealing about that, imagine having to sleep with someone you find repulsive...no thanks.

[elaine567]

In order to "settle" you need to first find someone who is actually interested in you past the first date and second who you can take to the next level - kissing cuddling, making out, sex....
As both of these things, are a bit of a challenge for you,  any argument about you "settling" is rendered moot.
You have got nowhere near "settling" for anyone.

Concentrate on being able to attract and speak to a woman first, as that is where you are failing spectacularly.

[Weezy1973]

54 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The fact that apparently all dating is about is compromising and settling makes it very unattractive to me,

For the vast majority of people, dating is not about settling. For you it would be (as long as you keep living your life the same way). And again, you’re either going to have to settle for a partner that doesn’t have all the traits you like (which you don’t want), or you’ll have to settle on being alone (which you also don’t want). That’s you.

Most of us have a partner that we love, we’re attracted to, and who feels the same way about us. 

[bene]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

but I must bend over backward to do the same

You don’t have to do anything. You don’t need to date if you don’t want to. It’s ok not to be attracted to women. At this point you are convincing yourself not us, aren’t you?

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

In order to "settle" you need to first find someone who is actually interested in you past the first date and second who you can take to the next level - kissing cuddling, making out, sex....
As both of these things, are a bit of a challenge for you,  any argument about you "settling" is rendered moot.
You have got nowhere near "settling" for anyone.

Concentrate on being able to attract and speak to a woman first, as that is where you are failing spectacularly.

There have been a handful of those people over the years but they are never what I actually want. As for speaking to women, I'll speak if spoken to, otherwise I'll just go about life in the background. 

You have taken time to explain to me that frankly I cannot attract what I want so why bother trying to attract what I do not want? I have had some really uncomfortable incidents over the years where I had to reject people and it was not pleasant at all.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

For the vast majority of people, dating is not about settling. For you it would be (as long as you keep living your life the same way). And again, you’re either going to have to settle for a partner that doesn’t have all the traits you like (which you don’t want), or you’ll have to settle on being alone (which you also don’t want). That’s you.

Most of us have a partner that we love, we’re attracted to, and who feels the same way about us. 

No matter how I live life I wont suddenly find people attractive who I find unattractive, there really are very few scenarios where that would happen. Its not a case of ticking all boxes but the positives need to outweigh the negatives which is quite difficult to find.

I really cannot speak for anyone who has accomplished more than me at this and frankly that is almost everyone on this forum. Maybe over time I have simply come to look at dating like going shopping for groceries, for me its a largely emotionless activity where I am climbing the side of a mountain, never really getting further than the base camp before I fall yet again. 

Maybe I simply enjoy very little of the process of dating, I like the idea of intimacy but I absolutely detest the idea with someone I do not find attractive, yes someone can intellectually interesting but its almost never enough to make up for a lack of physical attraction. 

In short I am simply defeated.  Just about the only thing I have left is an idea and a few grains of experience of how nice it would potentially be and its that which provides a modicum of comfort. 

Maybe the idea is indeed better than the reality.

Edited October 25, 2021 by ZA Dater

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I really cannot speak for anyone who has accomplished more than me at this and frankly that is almost everyone on this forum.

The majority of folks on the planet in fact. You’re not alone though. A lot of people on this forum with the same struggle you’re having, just dressed up differently. A woman on this forum used to post very regularly and had essentially the exact same issue. The men she was attracted to didn’t want a relationship with her (although they would have casual sex with her). And she fully acknowledged that when those men did commit, it was with women that were younger and prettier than she was. And like you, she chose to stay alone rather than settle for a man she wasn’t attracted to you. I suspect she’s come to peace with that as she posts way less now. 
 

Hopefully there is some solace there. Eventually perhaps you will come to peace with choosing to live a life alone. 

Edited October 26, 2021 by Weezy1973

[chillii]

ZA , holy mother of God . What 47 pages, how many other 20 pagers. Yet you still just twist argue and have no clue what anyone's wasted all this energy and time on you trying to explain. It's mind boggling. Your exactly where you would've been first thread. Just up there somewhere you even asked someone after 47 pages of them already telling you, how do you go about doing whatever it was ?

To top it off , in just about every post you write , the very first of, often the "only" thing you mention, is " attractive ". You must've said it a few 100 times just in this thread.  Supposing you even got it, what are you even gonna do with her after that, you haven't listened to one damn word in 47pages, your possibly more rigid now than you've ever been. Why don't you just give up on women man, or do you want another 20 or 30yrs of this bs first.

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

The majority of folks on the planet in fact. You’re not alone though. A lot of people on this forum with the same struggle you’re having, just dressed up differently. A woman on this forum used to post very regularly and had essentially the exact same issue. The men she was attracted to didn’t want a relationship with her (although they would have casual sex with her). And she fully acknowledged that when those men did commit, it was with women that were younger and prettier than she was. And like you, she chose to stay alone rather than settle for a man she wasn’t attracted to you. I suspect she’s come to peace with that as she posts way less now. 
 

Hopefully there is some solace there. Eventually perhaps you will come to peace with choosing to live a life alone. 

Simply put I simply cannot reconcile just settling unless I was absolutely sure what I was settling with is the best I can absolutely aspire to. In hindsight if I had lived in a world where I did not see the most attractive people overall the average settling route may have had some appeal. In many ways this thread has just really solidified my views particularly when it comes to settling and my issue with settling is its akin to just giving up in my opinion. 

I just wish dating was not so sugar coated or the process not to romanticized because what is really romantic about it if you simply just give up. Maybe its the pretty hard nosed attitude I adopt at life, its difficult for women to see the softer side and thus difficult to connect with me on that level. Equally I hold a certain degree of malice toward a dating process where the narrative is all about so called love, romance when in fact it mostly about settling to some degree, tangible attractive characteristics and a certain degree of nonsense to get the person interested. In hindsight my belief that this playing field can be played in a sort of David versus Goliath manner is wrong, I have pretty much viewed dating like that, I am always competing against Goliath and when I look at the women I had interest in, its fair to say that was exactly the case. The thing about that is I liked that, I liked playing the odds looking for that result. 

You can understand against that, why settling has no appeal to me, there is no sense of accomplishment with settling. My view has always been this, dating back from when I had my first crush in school, it was about identifying what to me was the most attractive person and then simply being different to everyone else in the sense being different means one stands out from the crowd and on paper at least this works, in reality it does not because time and time again what I have learnt is going against the grain gets me respected but it does not render me attractive, there is a certain degree of comfort associated with conforming.

In short I need to feel like stepping out of my comfort zone is worth it and settling is not really worth it, A, K and any of the others would be worth it but for all the hard slog life has been perhaps the mere fact I got to spend time with these people was a blessing. 

Elaine is right, dating is not a charity shop, people are not interested in projects, they want the finished article which at 37 most people actually should be, I need to live with the fact I am not and probably will never be.

Thanks to everyone for offering advice, apologies to those of you who may have been cheering my on, great to have helped those of you having a laugh at me. Thanks again.

Edited October 26, 2021 by ZA Dater

[Weezy1973]

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Simply put I simply cannot reconcile just settling unless I was absolutely sure what I was settling with is the best I can absolutely aspire to.

But you are settling. Settling on staying the single the rest of your life instead of being in a relationship. You’ve acknowledged you want a partner to spend your life with. So clearly you are capable of settling…

 

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You can understand against that, why settling has no appeal to me, there is no sense of accomplishment with settling.

Dating, love, relationships don’t  have anything to do with a sense of accomplishment. It’s all about connection with another human being. Your thoughts / beliefs about it are wrong, and your lack of success is a direct result.

 

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

it was about identifying what to me was the most attractive person and then simply being different to everyone else in the sense being different means one stands out from the crowd and on paper at least this works, in reality it does not

Different would work better if you were also attracted to women that were different. Like attracts like. 
 

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In hindsight my belief that this playing field can be played in a sort of David versus Goliath manner is wrong,

Bingo. You want to compete with Goliath, you have to become a Goliath. Being David will not cut it..

 

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 

 

[Prudence V]

On 10/26/2021 at 9:01 AM, ZA Dater said:

Simply put I simply cannot reconcile just settling unless I was absolutely sure what I was settling with is the best I can absolutely aspire to.

That’s not settling - that’s getting what you want. 
 

Settling is when you resign yourself to making do with less than you want. Like, you want a partner. You decide you no longer want to go out and find one, so you settle for being alone. That is settling. 
 

On 10/26/2021 at 9:01 AM, ZA Dater said:

I hold a certain degree of malice toward a dating process where the narrative is all about so called love, romance when in fact it mostly about settling to some degree

I’ve never done dating because dating isn’t something that works for me. I’m also neurodivergent, and I prefer to meet people in spaces where I’m more likely to find “my tribe”, whether for a hookup or for something longer term. I’m also not someone who subscribes to outdated gender norms and roles, like women just have to hang about and signal discreetly if they’re interested, and rely on some guy to approach them (or die sadly waiting if no one does). I’m much more upfront - if I’m interested, I’ll approach. I’m not into flirting or silly games so I’m pretty direct, too. Dating isn’t something id ever be any good at, so I skip that step and get to the bit I am interested in. That’s an option that’s been suggested for you, too, but you seem to think it’s got to be OLD or nothing. 
 

On 10/26/2021 at 9:01 AM, ZA Dater said:

dating is not a charity shop, people are not interested in projects

We’re all projects. But while some people are happy to spend their Sunday trying to figure out the instructions to assemble a flat pack bookcase, others would rather buy one ready made and just stain / paint / distress it to fit the decor in their home, or get one from a vintage store that already has the right aesthetic. At 37, what you might consider a “finished article” might look to someone else like shoes worn in by someone with feet much broader than yours, and thy might prefer something less “finished” so they get a chance to mould it to their own preference. Different strokes for different folks. 
 

On 10/25/2021 at 9:43 PM, ZA Dater said:

I like the idea of intimacy

I think this is, in part, the problem. You’ve built up the idea so that the reality can’t match up. 
 

No one is saying you must shag someone you find hideous. What (almost) everyone is saying is, take off the blinkers that keep you focused on a particular type only (model type) and allow yourself to get to know other options in a lower-stakes environment, and maybe one day you’ll find yourself attracted to someone who reciprocates the attraction. 

There are very few 5’9” women in CT. Worldwide, average height for women is 5’4”, and in SA it’s a bit less because of malnourishment and stunting. If you want women who are 5’9”, you’d be better off in NL or Kenya, where average height is taller. All the 5’9” women I know, though, are partnered with men who are minimally 6’ as they don’t want to feel like giraffes in a relationship.  Or you could “settle” for women who are less tall, but have other things going for them. 
 

 

[elaine567]

On 10/26/2021 at 9:01 AM, ZA Dater said:

Elaine is right, dating is not a charity shop, people are not interested in projects, they want the finished article which at 37 most people actually should be, I need to live with the fact I am not and probably will never be.

I didn't actually say that. Some women love projects, some women will take on "lesser" men and hope to turn them into superstars. Some get involved with bad guys and hope he turns into a good guy, some love the mother/teacher role.., some are just looking for no hopers to make them feel better about themselves,
BUT in your case you want a  woman who IS the finished article, beautiful, desirable and with the wow factor.
She will not want a project, she doesn't have to rummage around in the bargain basement shelf, hoping to find some treasure. 
She will be offered treasure, her job is then to decide which bit of treasure she actually wants.

Edited October 27, 2021 by elaine567

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, Prudence V said:

That’s not settling - that’s getting what you want. 
 

Settling is when you resign yourself to making do with less than you want. Like, you want a partner. You decide you no longer want to go out and find one, so you settle for being alone. That is settling. 
 

I’ve never done dating because dating isn’t something that works for me. I’m also neurodivergent, and I prefer to meet people in spaces where I’m more likely to find “my tribe”, whether for a hookup or for something longer term. I’m also not someone who subscribes to outdated gender norms and roles, like women just have to hang about and signal discreetly if they’re interested, and rely on some guy to approach them (or die sadly waiting if no one does). I’m much more upfront - if I’m interested, I’ll approach. I’m not into flirting or silly games so I’m pretty direct, too. Dating isn’t something id ever be any good at, so I skip that step and get to the bit I am interested in. That’s an option that’s been suggested for you, too, but you seem to think it’s got to be OLD or nothing. 
 

We’re all projects. But while some people are happy to spend their Sunday trying to figure out the instructions to assemble a flat pack bookcase, others would rather buy one ready made and just stain / paint / distress it to fit the decor in their home, or get one from a vintage store that already has the right aesthetic. At 37, what you might consider a “finished article” might look to someone else like shoes worn in by someone with feet much broader than yours, and thy might prefer something less “finished” so they get a chance to mould it to their own preference. Different strokes for different folks. 
 

I think this is, in part, the problem. You’ve built up the idea so that the reality can’t match up. 
 

No one is saying you must shag someone you find hideous. What (almost) everyone is saying is, take off the blinkers that keep you focused on a particular type only (model type) and allow yourself to get to know other options in a lower-stakes environment, and maybe one day you’ll find yourself attracted to someone who reciprocates the attraction. 

There are very few 5’9” women in CT. Worldwide, average height for women is 5’4”, and in SA it’s a bit less because of malnourishment and stunting. If you want women who are 5’9”, you’d be better off in NL or Kenya, where average height is taller. All the 5’9” women I know, though, are partnered with men who are minimally 6’ as they don’t want to feel like giraffes in a relationship.  Or you could “settle” for women who are less tall, but have other things going for them. 
 

 

Sure but realistically the only dates I get are ones I do not really want so going on those is settling in a way. At to me it would seem to be that.

I get the tribe thing and I am sure it works really well for people and as an aside your approach is refreshingly different, admitting you skip to the parts which interest you! Alright I conceded people look for different things but do you not really think fundamentally everyone is looking for the same thing: company.

You are right the reality never matches up to the idea, well not never but very seldom and that in itself makes me ask why I even bother because for the most part the reality does not really entice me at all. I think I need to put this model story to rest, I do not only focus on models but I do focus on slim people, that is the reality, I like an athletic build, some guys like a curvy build, I like an athletic build. Models do interest me more than just looks because by usually live fairly interesting lives, though this is subjective I guess.

I disagree there are a fair number of tall ladies in CT, honestly height is pretty irrelevant to me for the most part, slim build is far more important. 

 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I didn't actually say that. Some women love projects, some women will take on "lesser" men and hope to turn them into superstars. Some get involved with bad guys and hope he turns into a good guy, some love the mother/teacher role.., some are just looking for no hopers to make them feel better about themselves,
BUT in your case you want a  woman who IS the finished article, beautiful, desirable and with the wow factor.
She will not want a project, she doesn't have to rummage around in the bargain basement shelf, hoping to find some treasure. 
She will be offered treasure, her job is then to decide which bit of treasure she actually wants.

I simply do not feel like rummaging around the bargain basement shelf either, that is exactly why for the most part I cannot be bothered to go on dates because it just more of the same and as time goes on my patience is running a bit thin. 

Its telling I had a 20 min conversation with A today and while dating will never happen there I got more value from that I am get from actual dates I go on. When I did the catfish idea I at least got decent conversation so again the quality of the conversation seems to be aligned to the quality of the looks. 

Lets be honest most people at some point make poor dating decisions, I have tried convince myself to find people attractive on too many occasions and yes its true to say wow is important to me, perhaps one of the most important attributes. To put this into some sort of perspective, every day I run along a river, in the distance is an amazing mountain range and each day this view wows me. I could run along a plain road but I would not have that same feeling.

At the end of the day I accept I will probably never be able to get the dating experience I actually want and no other experience will actually be a proper substitute for that but what I can do is keep the idea fairly close because no matter of futile I can believe in an idea, especially when its better than the reality.

I made this bed, I'll have to sleep in it. Alone.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

honestly height is pretty irrelevant to me for the most part, slim build is far more important. 

this would open the door to small and petite then, they dont necessarily have to be tall??

Otherwise what surprisingly might be good for you now is a complete break from dating, or specifically online dating,

keep talking to women in the community,  but maybe just be happy with being alone for the next few months and take a step back from the mental strain of trying to find a partner.

Sometimes when some subject is not going great,  switching off it completely for a period of time, can help one see things clearer or rekindle the enthusiasm again at a later stage,

and also bring about unexpected improvements.

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

but do you not really think fundamentally everyone is looking for the same thing: company.

 

No. Company can be had with friends, family, colleagues, well anyone really. People fundamentally are looking for connection. That is someone that loves them warts and all, and someone they love warts and all. 
 

Your attention is so focused on attraction, that in all your posts you’re missing what really matters. Connection.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

No. Company can be had with friends, family, colleagues, well anyone really. People fundamentally are looking for connection. That is someone that loves them warts and all, and someone they love warts and all. 
 

Your attention is so focused on attraction, that in all your posts you’re missing what really matters. Connection.

As mentioned I do not really connect with people in that sense. Both A and K, a lot of the intellectual attraction with them is that they bring out the better parts of me, I do open up, I do actually show some sort of emotion and that is because they engage with me and I have a certain degree of incentive to open the book rather than just present the cover. I can take off the business hat and just be me. 

I focus on attraction and compatibility because for those are relatively speaking easier to find, near impossible but connection is truly impossible most of the time. Its also not like people are lining up to engage with me and connect with me. 

There are other people like me who live lonely lives, they seem to manage so there is no reason why I cant, its never going to be what I really want but the bottom line is we cant always get what we want.

[Weezy1973]

28 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

As mentioned I do not really connect with people in that sense.

Yes this is clear. And to me this is the huge disconnect with how you relate to dating / love / romance and how most of us posting in this thread relate to those things. It’s really no surprise that you don’t actually take any of our advice because what you want out of dating is so different from what most people want.

Most people are more than happy to have a relationship with a less attractive person (although still finding them attractive) for that connection. They don’t feel like they missed out on the most attractive people because that wasn’t what they were looking for. They want connection. 

38 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

There are other people like me who live lonely lives, they seem to manage so there is no reason why I cant, its never going to be what I really want but the bottom line is we cant always get what we want.

Indeed. 

[bene]

Some thoughts about looks. You are all over the place with insisting on a very specific look that is conveniently unattainable and on the other hand wanting someone with slim build and able to exercise and do physical activities. The latter is a completely reasonable expectation. 

You often mention night clubs and models as some kind of benchmark. But have you considered that a lot of the looks is also a matter of lifestyle and vibe? You could take a woman and style her as goth, girl next door, ig model etc, she would look completely different each time. A woman you consider plain can actually have nicer natural facial features than a social media influencer wearing heavy makeup. 

Same with the players that you keep in high regard. As a woman I don’t care for the player look at all, I consider a more outdoorsy and ragged type attractive and I’m sure I’m not alone. I’ve seen women raving about “dad bodies”, apparently it’s a thing.

What I’m trying to say is that looks matter but it’s not nearly as one-dimensional as you insist.

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes this is clear. And to me this is the huge disconnect with how you relate to dating / love / romance and how most of us posting in this thread relate to those things. It’s really no surprise that you don’t actually take any of our advice because what you want out of dating is so different from what most people want.

Most people are more than happy to have a relationship with a less attractive person (although still finding them attractive) for that connection. They don’t feel like they missed out on the most attractive people because that wasn’t what they were looking for. They want connection. 

Indeed. 

You would be surprised how much of the advice I get here I do actually try.....but yes you are right the way I look this is quite different, I did not always have this viewpoint, I too once had the idea of family, kids and the joys/challenges that brings to life but truthfully after years of being rejected I simply gave up on that ideal and chose to pursue something that gives me the most superficial gratification. 

You need to understand I went into dating with perhaps a very idealist point of view where I had as much chance of succeeding as anyone else. Time proved this to be quite a stupid approach and rejection after rejection just confirmed it. I looked around me and realized that actually a lot of people simply care about looks and not much else, this seemed like a better way to go about things because looking for someone who actually connected with me was pretty impossible and still is to a large extent because even when I do find these people there is usually something else wrong with me.

Thus the disconnect is due to my own experience and the fact I have been forced to change what I am looking to get out of dating. Yes, I have made some pretty stupid mistakes, not said things I should have, regretted things I did say.

Having said all that there are things which I do enjoy which at times make up for all of this.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, bene said:

Some thoughts about looks. You are all over the place with insisting on a very specific look that is conveniently unattainable and on the other hand wanting someone with slim build and able to exercise and do physical activities. The latter is a completely reasonable expectation. 

You often mention night clubs and models as some kind of benchmark. But have you considered that a lot of the looks is also a matter of lifestyle and vibe? You could take a woman and style her as goth, girl next door, ig model etc, she would look completely different each time. A woman you consider plain can actually have nicer natural facial features than a social media influencer wearing heavy makeup. 

Same with the players that you keep in high regard. As a woman I don’t care for the player look at all, I consider a more outdoorsy and ragged type attractive and I’m sure I’m not alone. I’ve seen women raving about “dad bodies”, apparently it’s a thing.

What I’m trying to say is that looks matter but it’s not nearly as one-dimensional as you insist.

That is all I want really, my height would be nice. 

Absolutely looks can be vibe, the yoga class for example would probably have many attractive people. Oh and I left out the pretty face part, see I am quite specific. I detest heavy makeup, its really not a look I like, yes for a dinner of something formal but overly made up people do not appeal to me.

I can look past so called ideal looks in many instances, someone well spoken catches my attention, someone with a pretty face, someone with confidence. All those things I notice.

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I can look past so called ideal looks in many instances, someone well spoken catches my attention, someone with a pretty face, someone with confidence. All those things I notice.

So just, slim, fit, taller than average, a pretty face without makeup, confident and well-spoken.

 

But you can get past ideal looks. Got it.

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Weezy1973